Archive of entries posted on 18th August 2004

Frank Answers: Middle Eastern, Jug O’ Money, Movies Make You Fat, and Anomalous Matter

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Wolf’s Dawn writes:
Sorry I took so long to submit but I felt this pressure to come up with a clever math/science question so you could impress with your out-of-this-world knowledge. And I’m not being snarky! However, I just found myself getting a headache from trying to come up with something brilliant so I decided to stick to the low-brow comedy I know best.
I am from the eastern part of the Mid Atlantic region. Does that make me middle eastern?
You are given a chance to ask the fountain of knowledge – me – any questions, and this is what you come up with? Your question is stupid, and thus you have reflected poorly on all middle easterners who are already having a PR problem with their terrorism and murderousness and what not. I hope you die in a jihad… but don’t get martyrdom.
Heh heh, martyr-dumb. They should use that as a slogan to stop people from being terrorists. Why don’t try that out since you’re in the Middle East, Wolf Dawn?
I forgot to write down who wrote this, but here it is:
If you could fill a 5 gallon water jug with dimes or quarters, which would you choose to get the most money?
Quarters, duh, because quarters are worth more and now have wacky pictures on the back (collect them all!). Also, you can’t use dimes in arcade machines. Dimes are worthless. If I had a jug of dimes, I’d just chuck handfuls of them at people. And people would be like, “Stop that!” And I’d be like, “No!” And they’d be like, “Ahh, you got me in the eye!” And I’d be like, “Hooray!” And they’d be like, “Now you stop or… erk… ack!” And I’d be like, “Ha ha! I got them right down your throat! Now you die! Ha ha!”
On second thought, I’ll take the jug of dimes.
RP from Australia writes:
One of my university professors says that we should all go see Fahrenheit 9/11. I am scared; is it possible to catch obesity or communism from watching too many Michael Moore movies?
Yes, studies show that people coming out of Fahrenheit 9/11 tend to be fatter and more inclined to stupidity than when they entered. Instead, see Alien vs. Predator. That one will only make you dumber.
Damn, another one where I forgot to write who asked the questions:
I have 2 questions to Ask Frank:
A. Which is more slippery, anti-gravity or Teflon?
2. Which is harder to find, a brave Phrenchman or a pound of anti-matter?
Enquiring minds want to know.
A. Teflon is slippy; anti-gravity pushes you away and has nothing to do with friction. So you don’t want it. If you have anti-gravity, please give it to me.
2. There’s probably at least a pound of anti-matter that could be found at an anomaly at the center of our galaxy. As for a brave Frenchman, none is known to exist anywhere in the space-time continuum.

Frank Answers™ is now invitation only, so don’t send me your stupid questions. I hate you.

Do You Know Who I Am? …Because I’m a Bit Confused

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John Kerry seemed to have gotten confused and thought he was Bob Kerrey when he responded to Bush attacks on his record by saying he was Vice Chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. Then I found this statement where Kerry tried to respond once again, but now he seems even more confused:

“The Republicans have come at me with countless attacks, and will not take them standing still. This is not just about myself, but about the American people. It reminds me of the time I performed “The Vault,” injuring myself and ruining my chance for an individual gold medal while securing the gold for the team. We the American people are all a team, and I will sacrifice myself for you.
“My opponents slur me as being rich and out of touch, but I can sympathize with those of you who are downcast. My life has not always been easy for me. I once had a dead-end job in Cleveland, constantly being mocked by an obese woman with too much makeup. But I worked hard, eventually having a hit single every year of the 90’s. That was not an easy thing to do, and that is the kind of work and dedication I will have for you as president.
“Yes, there are those who have tried to discredit me, but listen to the American Kennel Club which says I’m affectionate, absolutely loyal to my family, friendly, and intelligent. I am a man of the people, having for years led my fellow baseball fans in “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” in the seventh inning stretch. And, ask anyone, and they will tell you they enjoy my Dingle peninsula!
“That’s why the NRA has gotten laws passed in most states to keep me concealed, but I will not stay hidden! Others try to distract you with silly issues such as my hair, much like the overdone controversy when I cut my curly hair short– but these are not the issues the American people care about. They want someone with honor, someone like me who has helped samurai from disgracing their families. A messy job, yes, but that is my dedication. It is true I have made mistakes in the past, just as anyone has, and, admittedly, I was overzealous when I burnt down my prom using my telekinetic powers, but these are mistakes I have learned from. In the end, my life experiences have given me courage, and it is seared – seared – in my memory when I stood up to Grand Moff Tarkin and said, “The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” And just as I stood up to him, I will stand up for you against any enemy who threatens us.
“And, one last thing: I served in Vietnam!”

Krazy Kerry Konfusion Fun: See if you can name each “Kerry” John Kerry had confused himself with. I’ll post the answers later.