Sorry to not have political humor; I have something in draft form, but I haven’t had time to finish it. I will soon. In the future, I’ll try to have guest bloggers during times like this. Also, I will be posting this weekend since they’re just more work days for me. BTW, I forgot to mention that In-N-Out Burger was excellent; thanks for pointing out that they’re nearby.
Anyhoo, today, it was get up and go to the conference, and, by the time I got back, it’s so late that there’s no time left except for drinking and gambling.
Well, not quite, actually. When I get back to my hotel, the power is out. For our little impromptu meeting, I needed my laptop, so I headed to my floor and had to find my room in pitch black, which meant letting my hand feel the walls as I walked until I reached a room number which I then had to read by touch.
When I got back to the lobby, no drinking and smoking for our meeting because they decided to stop serving drinks until the power was back (don’t want drunks stumbling around in the dark) and I forgot to bring cigars.
Luckily, power comes on half-way through our meeting. Then I decided to play more of that Monopoly game. After I was up $43.85, I got tired of it; the damn thing just keeps spitting money at me. Time to play some blackjack like a big boy.
Put eighty bucks on the table (got carded), bet the minimum of five, and got two black jacks in a row. I my total jumped up and down a lot during the night (though never far below what I started with), and they kept serving me drinks until I couldn’t do simple addition.
Luckily, the dealer was really nice and told me what to do… especially with the dreaded 16. She told me you either hit on a sixteen everytime or you stay everytime. I decided I’m the guy who hits everytime. I also happened to lose everytime I had a sixteen. Well, that’s statistics.
I got a ton of blackjacks, and I seemed to get them everytime I got frustrated and bet more than usual. When I finished what I decided to be my last beer, it was time to end the night. So I put on the table all I was up plus forty bucks… my logic being that, even if I lost I, would still be up a couple bucks for the night from the Monopoly game. I don’t know how many chips were risked, but it was a large stack.
And I got a sixteen.
Dammit. Well… I always hit on sixteen. That’s what I decided earlier on, so that what I did.
And I got a four.
Yeah, baby! Doubled that stack, tipped the dealer a $25 chip, and cashed out. $165 dollars (up another $85).
Gambling results so far: Up $190.35
Since I started out only risking ten bucks of my own money (I simply didn’t have it in the budget to risk more than a couple bucks gambling), I think that’s pretty good.
Also, I would like to defend my frick’n retard coworkers. The Ford F150 has an exteneded bed and is longer than your average bus. And, while Dr. J has hit a curb on pretty much every turn, he has never actually hit another car or person (though he came within milimeters of a baby carriage). My other coworker, the Greek, at least bought me a shot of whiskey yesterday after the combination of his navigation and Dr. J’s driving almost got me killed.
I’ll close the comments to the caption contest and pick a winner when I’m less tipsy. Until later, be honorable, ronin.
Archive of entries posted on July 2004
Frick’n Retards
Just let if be known that the two coworkers who came with me to Vegas are frick’n retards. One seems determined to hit every curb in Vegas with the rented F150 and the other couldn’t navigate his way out of his own hotel room.
Frick’n retards.
That is all.
UPDATE: Now that I’ve had a night’s rest, I want to clear things up. My coworkers are all right guys… just frick’n retards.
I Haven’t Seen This Much Crap on T.V. Since that Discovery Channel Special on Dung Beetles
Man, these Democrats won’t shut up. Is anyone buying this? I think I’ll need to do a write up on Democrats so everyone irrationally hates them as much as me.
Sorry I have’t had time for proper posts, but I’ve been quite busy. One conference just ended, and maybe I’ll have more time during this next one. Then there is another one still (you’ll have to keep tuning into IMAO to see where Frank J. pops up next!). I have something brewing in my head, but need to type it out.
BTW, I never did plug the Casual Conservative; make sure to check them out through their blogad. Also, The Manchurian Candidate has paid for another week; I hear Denzel Washington himself said that the movie must be advertised on IMAO.
Off to In And Out Burger; one of my coworker is paying since he made $160 playing blackjack last night. Catch you foo’s later.
One last thing: It’s kinda interesting that the video biography for John Kerry that his daughters introduced barely mentioned anything about his nineteen years in the Senate. Seems to be his whole argument is: “I was in Vietnam and then married a rich woman. Elect me president.”
I Also Like to Live Dangerously
I have no idea how those video slot machines work, but I put $5 in a penny one and cashed out with $10.40 and put $10 in a nickel one and cashed out with $26.90. Add that to the rest and…
Gambling results so far: Up $61.50
Maybe I’ll be adventurous tomorrow night and put that all down on the blackjack table. One of these days I’ll have to learn my lesson…
This Man Will Be Our Next President?
Is this the man you want to be your next president?
Do you want some Oompa Loompa making the decisions that affect your life?
This message was approved by President Bush… who is not a total dork.
Edwards is on T.V. right now talking about all these nice things he wants to do for people – do you think he’ll get a 50% cut if he accomplishes them?
Anyway, first day of my conferences ended with gourmet food as far as the eye could see and an open bar. Holy. I need to do more business travel. Well, doubt I’ll get that again over the next eight days.
Hey, Edwards just made some reference to Kerry serving in a war; which one was it?
Seriously, someone should keep a Kerry war reference count.
Well, I called another meeting over drinks and cigars which I need to head down for soon. Maybe I’ll do some more gambling while I’m down there and tell you how I do. Hopefully, I’ll have some time soon to do some real political blogging. ’till then, caption the picture above.
Oh, and by everyone’s recommendation, I’m going to try the In-And-Out Burger tomorrow for dinner.
He just mentioned Kerry was in the military again. That’s twice…
Civilized Business
Just conducted a meeting with my coworkers over cigars and adult beverages – this is the way things should be done.
Anyway, I had gambled twice, putting a quarter in two machines, and was up $0.50 as previously reported. After the alcohol, I decided to try my luck again. Soon, five singles were squirrled away and I was down $4.50. Frustrated, I put a Lincoln into a nickel Monopoly game. I had no idea what meant what as the digital dials spinned, but I soon landed on free parking and got a ton of bonuses.
Gambling results so far: Up $39.25
In other words, I have not yet learned the evils of gambling.
Well, have to get up for at 8am breakfast tomorrow, which is like 11am since I’m still jet-lagged. Now I head to bed for more than eight hours sleep. See y’all later.
BTW, I was bad and didn’t get my entry in on time, but here is Right Wing News’s list of history’s biggest impact players.
Live From Las Vegas… It’s IMAO!
Hey everybody. Just resting up in my hotel room before some conference stuff starts. Damn am I tired, too. I got up at nearly 4am ET and now have a little get together at 6pm west coast time. Plus, I just did a bunch of walking around checking out the nearby casinos and ate at the priciest food court I have ever seen.
Gambling results so far: Up $0.50
I haven’t seen the news today; did the Democrats say anything or did they wise up and stay quiet so we won’t make fun of them?
Well, I’m going to take a nap and look into it later. Since I will have internet access from my hotel room, I’ll try to do some updates each day. Got a few things brew’n in the noggin…
Link of the Day
A reader questioned my advertising of the movie The Manchurian Candidate, and Kim du Toit has a post appropos to that.
Announcements (Important – You Read)
The winning entry of the Sandy Burglar joke contest is
What’s the big deal? Lots of guys wear briefs…
Submitted by No One of Consequence. He has earned the privilege of sending me questions for Frank Answers™.
If you want some more caption fun, Michelle Malkin has a caption contest (I already entered one).
Now some bad interesting news. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be business tripping until August 5th (week from Thursday). I should have downtime and internet access, so who knows how much posting I’ll be doing? Maybe I’ll have more posts than usual… maybe none! And where will I be posting from? You’ll have to tune in each day to find out!
Hopefully I can finally get the new About Me, FAQ, and a Reagan’s Ronin page done if I have time.
Later, foo’s.
Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: Curious George Visits the Democratic National Convention
Above the Democratic National Convention floated the Halliburton Dirigible of Evil.
“Don’t you think ‘Zeppelin of Evil’ would sound eviler?” Bush queried.
“I didn’t name it,” Cheney responded.
Rumsfeld glared down at Boston. “All our enemies in one place – seems like the time for a tactical strike to wipe them out once and for all!”
“No murder!” Bush said, “or Laura will make me sleep on the couch again.”
Chomps jumped up to look out the window, and then wouldn’t stop snarling and barking.
“We could infiltrate them,” Condi said, “find out what they’re up to.”
“Can’t we just watch one of the news stations for that?” Scott McClellan suggested.
“Someone hit Scott,” Bush commanded.
Rumsfeld stared at Scott menacingly until Scott finally punched himself, knocking himself to the ground.
“We’ll get in there and sow seeds of discontent,” Bush chuckled, “or, at least, get some free snacks if they have any. Let’s go.”
“Why does it have to be us two doing the infiltrating?” Scott asked Bush as he made sure his fake goatee was on right.
“Because everyone else has too much important stuff to do,” Bush answered as he brushed his porn star mustache.
“I also have important things to do,” Scott complained, “I do the press conferences!”
“I got you a good replacement.”
“What does Bush think of his Democrat challengers?”
“Awk! No comment!”
“How much longer are troops expected to be in Iraq?”
“Awk! No comment!”
“What’s Bush’s reaction to the 9/11 report?”
“Awk! Polly want a cracker!”
“Ha! Now we’re getting somewhere!”
“Bush is Hitler! How are you guys doing?” Bush said as he inserted himself amongst a group of Democrats.
“We’re handing out fact sheets on Kerry and Edwards so people get to know them better,” said one as he gave some pamphlets to Bush and Scott.
“Facts about John Kerry,” Scott read aloud, “He served in Vietnam.” Scott turned the pamphlet over, but couldn’t find anymore text.
“Facts about John Edwards,” Bush said, “He’s purty looking. P.S. Bush is evil… Hey! No I’m not… I mean, right on!”
“So what’s the plan?” Scott whispered to Bush.
“We’ll get back stage and change the speaker prompts to embarrass the Democrats,” Bush answered, “Follow me.”
They snuck through the convention until they got to the backroom. “Now we just need to find where the prompt is programmed,” Bush said, “Then we can…” Bush froze. “Don’t look up, Scott.”
Scott stopped moving too. “Why?” he whimpered.
“There are ninjas up in the rafters,” Bush uttered, “I just knew the Democrats were conspiring with the evil ninja conglomerate!”
“So what do we do?!”
“We’ll have to fight them to the death using items we can find in this room.” Bush saw a mop and bucket nearby. “I’ll use the mop as a bo, and you can use the bucket as a… well, just try not to die too quickly.”
A throwing star then struck the wall near Bush’s head. He shrieked and ran for the nearest exit. Catching his breath, he looked around to see he was on stage.
“It’s the next speaker!” called out one of the crowd.
“Uh, hey everybody,” Bush said as he walked to the microphone. He then uttered to himself, “Think like a Democrat. Think like a Democrat.” Bush cleared his throat. “Who here hates Bush more than they love America?”
Everyone cheered.
“Republicans are evil!” Bush continued, “They eat babies… who all should have been aborted!”
More cheers.
“Man, I’m on a roll,” Bush said to himself while smiling. “Well, when we’re in power, we’ll change many things. We’ll set taxes to make sure no one is ever rich again!”
The crowd erupted with more clapping and yelling.
“And we’ll make sure poor kids stay in their poor schools where they belong! And all marriages will be gay marriages!”
The crowd was frenzied in cheering now.
“And we’ll never exert force against our enemies again… and make the national language French!” Bush shouted, making his mustache fall off.
The cheering stopped.
“That’s not a porn star! That’s President George W. Bush!” one yelled.
“Let’s kill him!”
Everyone started to climb on to the stage, but Scott then ran out. “Everyone, calm down! We can’t let partisanship rot our minds! We all need to have some understanding and sanity!”
“That guy with the goatee is promoting understanding and sanity!” one of the crowd shouted, “Let’s kill him too!”
As the crowd closed in on Bush and Scott, ninjas crept towards them from behind, ninja swords ready in hand. A new speaker then walked on stage, wearing a suit and glasses.
“Let’s see what the real speaker has to say about this,” one said, and the crowd stopped for a moment.
The speaker trotted to the podium, jumped up, and bit off the microphone. He then chewed it up and spat it out.
“Hey,” one person said, “That speaker looks an angry rottweiler.”
“Not just angry rottweiler,” said one of the ninjas, his sword shaking in his hand, “Very angry rottweiler.”
Chomps made a hacking sound. Finally, he coughed up a Birkenstock.
“I told you not to murder Democrats!” Laura yelled at Bush.
“I didn’t, honey!” Bush protested, “I just stood back and laughed as Chomps did.”
Laura pointed to the couch which already had a pillow and blanket on it.
“But, honey, Lincoln haunts this room at night and he’s mean!”
“That’s between you and Lincoln,” Laura said angrily and then marched up stairs.
“Aww,” Bush groaned to himself as he sat on the couch.
“You’re not going to get to sleep for four score and seven years!” a voice echoed throughout the room, “Muh ha ha ha!”
“Can’t you go haunt a log cabin somewhere?”
A book flew through the air and hit Bush in the head.
“Ow!” Bush rubbed his head as he got under the blanket. “Stupid, rail-splitting poltergeist.”
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today’s wisdom is from samurai Shiba Yoshimasa:
Many men feel that they should act according to the time or the moment they are facing, and thus are in confusion when something goes beyond this and some difficulty arises.
The man whose profession is arms should calm his mind and look into the depths of others. Doing so is likely the best of the martial arts.
Yes, touchy-feely crap can help you kill others.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Planet of the Apes at Hand?
Many of you have seen this story about a monkey walking exclusively on its hind legs. I just want to tell you not to panic. Yes, a mutant virus has caused a monkey to spontaneously evolve, but this doesn’t mean they will all overthrow us yet ala Planet of the Apes. It’s just one monkey so far – one monkey that must immediately be killed and have its body burned.
For the rest of us, just go under normal precautions, i.e., keep a shotgun handy and listen for monkey jabber.
That is all.
What Happened to Frank
Sorry not to post today (until now). I had the day off and was getting the A/C fixed on my car… but then I ended up buying a new car (a Sante Fe V6 – Hyundai has made a loyalist out of me). Then I had a doctor’s appointment – 3 weeks to live.
Anyway, I owe all of you some Frank Answers™ and a winner for the Sandy Burglar joke, but that will have to wait.
Oh, and one more thing – SARAHK IS MINE! NONE SHALL CHALLENGE ME FOR HER!