Whitler has posted something!
Archive of entries posted on 22nd July 2004
Cruise’n For a Bruise’n
Someone has been harrassing Emperor Misha I and his family by phone, but Misha was able to track the bastard.
This is why I’m still a firm supporter of the age old concept of the posse.
UPDATE: Time is running out for the dirtbag.
Get the rope.
Linda Ronstadt Hates Michael Moore?
Linda Ronstadt, known by most for how she infamously supported the Plow King and slandered Mr. Plow, has allegedly been supporting Michael Moore by dedicating the song “Desperado” to him. I happen to have the Johnny Cash version of the song, though, and it doesn’t sound too flattering. If you actually look at the lyrics, apparently Ronstadt thinks very little of Moore:
DESPERADO
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? (She already starts out saying Michael Moore is senseless)
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now (This is just silly; no fence could support Moore’s weight)
Oh, you’re a hard one (actually, I’ve heard reports that he’s really squishy)
I know that you got your reasons (money)
These things that are pleasin’ you (fried cheese)
Can hurt you somehow (high cholesterol; heart attack)
Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy (don’t be so focused on money; the reference to a “queen” is probably implying that Moore is a homosexual)
She’ll beat you if she’s able (as would most people, though Moore’s blubbery hide is a natural protectant)
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet (don’t be such a heartless bastard)
Now it seems to me, some fine things (stacks of money for your movies and books)
Have been laid upon your table (amongst empty packages of Oreos)
But you only want the ones that you can’t get (no matter how much money he makes, he can’t get what he really wants: everyone to mindlessly hate President Bush)
Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger (or slimmer)
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home (especially hunger)
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’ (is this another paranoid reference to the Patriot Act?)
Your prison is walking through this world all alone (because of your intensely displeasing personality and smell)
Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? (again, layer of blubber protects from this)
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine (his flatulence affects global weather much like cows)
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day (because you block out the sun, you fat bastard)
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? (Michael Moore is an unfeeling bastard)
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? (again, Michael Moore is senseless)
Come down from your fences, open the gate (again the image of some fence supporting Moore’s weight is just too ridiculous)
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you (rainbow – another instance of Ronstadt implying Moore is gay)
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late (too late being the inevitable heart attack from eating fatty foods and shouting angrily all the time)
Apparently, Ronstadt thinks that Moore is a horrible, heartless, fat man and is using this song as a sort of intervention. Good for her.
Now apologize to Mr. Plow.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Heed these words from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:
Stance in Strategy
Adopt a stance with the head erect, neither hanging down, nor looking up, nor twisted. Your forehead and the space between your eyes should not be wrinkled. Do not roll your eyes nor allow them to blink, but slightly narrow them. With your features composed, keep the line of your nose straight with a feeling of slightly flaring your nostrils. Hold the line of the rear of the neck straight: instil vigour into your hairline, and in the same way from the shoulders down through your entire body. Lower both shoulders and, without the buttocks jutting out, put strength into your legs from the knees to the tops of your toes. Brace your abdomen so that you do not bend at the hips. Wedge your companion sword in your belt against your abdomen, so that your belt is not slack – this is called “wedging in”.
In all forms of strategy, it is necessary to maintain the combat stance in everyday life and to make your everyday stance your combat stance. You must research this well.
The true warrior is prepared every moment for battle.
How Am I Doing?
Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes
Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.
Now I can finally sleep nights again.
So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES
* A black hole is made by the combination of “black” and “hole.”
* Gravity is also involved.
* The name “black hole” is somewhat of misnomer; they’re more of a dark gray.
* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them – but that’s just black hole propaganda to scare you.
* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form – much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.
* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.
* If you think you see a black hole, don’t touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.
* Just because a hole is black doesn’t mean it’s a “black hole.” Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.
* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there’s no escape – but that just sounds like loser talk to me.
* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can’t beat that for convenient storage.
* Black holes will suck anything into them… except for Jews because they’re virulently anti-Semitic.
* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it’s a trick! You’re near the event horizon!
* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.
* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don’t take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you’ll totally fail.
* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you’re about to experience.
* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you’ll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, “That guy is totally screwed! Let’s get lunch.”
* A black hole can’t even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don’t know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.
* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.
* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, “Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere.” He won’t admit to that now.
* If a black hole is acting like it’s “all that,” flip it the bird while saying, “Collapse this into a singularity!” That’ll show it.
* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.
* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion – that’s why I’m talking about black holes.