“Now that we know Kerry’s VP,” Bush told Cheney, “It’s time you prepare to meet John Edwards in a debate. Just don’t look directly at him so as not to be affected by his southern charm. Also, if things get to hot, we can always send you to an undisclosed location.”
“Go fk yourself.”
“That’s the other thing,” Bush said, “We need to work on that potty mouth of yours.”
The door to the Oval Office exploded into splinters. “WAR!” Rumsfeld screamed as he burst into the room.
“No more wars until after reelection, Rummy,” Bush said, “We already have that 9/11 commission yelling at us for the Iraq war, so I don’t want to make any more waves until we can be sure this election is in the bag.”
“And how would that happen?” Rumsfeld demanded.
“If we got huge leads in the battleground states,” Bush answered, “Though I’m not sure how that would happen.”
“If John Kerry supporters suddenly ended up dead in battleground states, would that help?”
“Sure… but it would have to be a lot of Kerry supporters and…” Bush looked around. “Where’s Rummy?”
“Who cares,” Cheney answered, “and go fk yourself.”
“I’m really getting tired of your attitude.”

“This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News and… I complete forgot my intro. Are we live?”
“All I know is how to point the camera,” the camerawoman answered.
“Anyway, we have Detective Ian Competent here to comment on the recent murder spree in Florida. So, Detective, is that one of your CSI experts you’re talking to?”
“Actually, it’s a real-estate agent. Ends up a lot of prime property have opened up for sale.”
“Have you found any connection between these murders?”
“Well, they were all strangulations… strangulations about the neck. At each crime scene, there was a Kerry/Edwards signs torn up by what appeared to be a very angry animal. Also, a piece of paper written on the Secretary of Defense’s stationery was left on each murder victim.”
“What did they say?” Melinda asked.
“That’s confidential to the investigation.”
Melinda handed the detective a hundred.
“They said, ‘These guys were strangled by me, Donald Rumsfeld, because they support Kerry for president.’ All strange gibberish. So far, we’ve determined these murders are completely random and probably done by alligators. We even brought the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, to help validate that claim.”
“Crikey!” Steve Irwin exclaimed, “Alligators strangling people is the craziest thing I ever heard. All this strangling is probably done by that bloom’n Defense Secretary over there. Look at him strangling a Kerry supporter! Isn’t he beautiful?”
Melinda and her camerawoman ran over to Rumsfeld just as he dropped a man. “Secretary Rumsfeld, what do you think of this series of murders?”
“I think I don’t like cameras in my face! Rarr!”
“Can we film something else,” the camerawoman asked, “This man scares me.”
“Fine.” Melinda walked over to a man changing signs on his lawn. “I see you’re switching your Kerry/Edwards sign with a ‘Please don’t strangle me and I’ll vote for Bush’ sign.”
“Yes,” the man said, “I thought the economy and the war were important issues, but ends up that not being strangled is the most important issue to me over all others.”
Detective Ian Competent walked over. “Are you done interviewing me? There’s a grieving widow nearby who probably doesn’t need that Corvette anymore and I’m thinking of haggling.”

Chomps dragged the man by his leg until he lay directly under Rumsfeld. “You were thinking of voting for Kerry, weren’t you?” Rumsfeld growled down at him.
“No! Never!”
“But your car has a Kerry bumper-sticker on it!”
“Uh… it came with the car.”
“So does this strangling! Rarr!”
Rumsfeld found himself grabbed by Laura Bush just before he could get to his strangling. “There you are!” Laura exclaimed, “Always seemed to me that the only reason someone would go on a murder spree is because he has too much time on his hands. I think it’s time you stop this strangling and help teach children to read.”
“Chomps! Eviscerate her!”
Chomps growled fiercely at Laura who then hit him on the nose. “Bad dog!”
Chomps growled even louder, but Laura stared him down. “You just keep it up, and you’ll only think you know what anger is.” She then pulled Rumsfeld along. “Now let’s teach children to read.”
“But I hate children!”

“Bush’s strangling strategy is working!” Terry McAuliffe hissed, “We need something new to combat it with.”
“Maybe if I switched position on more issues,” John Kerry suggested.
“There’s none left!” Terry exclaimed.
“I know what to do,” John Edwards said, “I’ll use my trial lawyer skills to make everyone scared to be a Republican. We always say they’re for dirty air and water and starving poor children, so let’s do a class action lawsuit against all Republicans.”
“But what court would allow a case with so little merit and that goes against any principle of justice?” Terry asked.
Edwards smiled evilly. “The Hague! Muh ha ha ha!”
“My voice is hoarse, Jeeves,” Kerry told his butler, “Laugh evilly for me.”
“Certainly, sir – Muh ha ha ha!”
TO BE CONTINUED…