Archive of entries posted on July 2004

Linda Ronstadt Hates Michael Moore?

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Linda Ronstadt, known by most for how she infamously supported the Plow King and slandered Mr. Plow, has allegedly been supporting Michael Moore by dedicating the song “Desperado” to him. I happen to have the Johnny Cash version of the song, though, and it doesn’t sound too flattering. If you actually look at the lyrics, apparently Ronstadt thinks very little of Moore:
DESPERADO
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? (She already starts out saying Michael Moore is senseless)
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now (This is just silly; no fence could support Moore’s weight)
Oh, you’re a hard one (actually, I’ve heard reports that he’s really squishy)
I know that you got your reasons (money)
These things that are pleasin’ you (fried cheese)
Can hurt you somehow (high cholesterol; heart attack)
Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy (don’t be so focused on money; the reference to a “queen” is probably implying that Moore is a homosexual)
She’ll beat you if she’s able (as would most people, though Moore’s blubbery hide is a natural protectant)
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet (don’t be such a heartless bastard)
Now it seems to me, some fine things (stacks of money for your movies and books)
Have been laid upon your table (amongst empty packages of Oreos)
But you only want the ones that you can’t get (no matter how much money he makes, he can’t get what he really wants: everyone to mindlessly hate President Bush)
Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger (or slimmer)
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home (especially hunger)
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’ (is this another paranoid reference to the Patriot Act?)
Your prison is walking through this world all alone (because of your intensely displeasing personality and smell)
Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? (again, layer of blubber protects from this)
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine (his flatulence affects global weather much like cows)
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day (because you block out the sun, you fat bastard)
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? (Michael Moore is an unfeeling bastard)
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? (again, Michael Moore is senseless)
Come down from your fences, open the gate (again the image of some fence supporting Moore’s weight is just too ridiculous)
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you (rainbow – another instance of Ronstadt implying Moore is gay)
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late (too late being the inevitable heart attack from eating fatty foods and shouting angrily all the time)
Apparently, Ronstadt thinks that Moore is a horrible, heartless, fat man and is using this song as a sort of intervention. Good for her.
Now apologize to Mr. Plow.

Ronin Thought of the Day

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Heed these words from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:

Stance in Strategy
Adopt a stance with the head erect, neither hanging down, nor looking up, nor twisted. Your forehead and the space between your eyes should not be wrinkled. Do not roll your eyes nor allow them to blink, but slightly narrow them. With your features composed, keep the line of your nose straight with a feeling of slightly flaring your nostrils. Hold the line of the rear of the neck straight: instil vigour into your hairline, and in the same way from the shoulders down through your entire body. Lower both shoulders and, without the buttocks jutting out, put strength into your legs from the knees to the tops of your toes. Brace your abdomen so that you do not bend at the hips. Wedge your companion sword in your belt against your abdomen, so that your belt is not slack – this is called “wedging in”.
In all forms of strategy, it is necessary to maintain the combat stance in everyday life and to make your everyday stance your combat stance. You must research this well.

The true warrior is prepared every moment for battle.

How Am I Doing?

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I made changes to my blog templates over the weekend, and now I hear that some in Mozilla (didn’t he fight Mothra?) can’t see the right sidebar. I pretty much exclusively use IE even though I know better, so I’d like to hear if any of the other browsers are having problems displaying my webpage.

Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes

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Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.
Now I can finally sleep nights again.
So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES
* A black hole is made by the combination of “black” and “hole.”
* Gravity is also involved.
* The name “black hole” is somewhat of misnomer; they’re more of a dark gray.
* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them – but that’s just black hole propaganda to scare you.
* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form – much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.
* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.
* If you think you see a black hole, don’t touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.
* Just because a hole is black doesn’t mean it’s a “black hole.” Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.
* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there’s no escape – but that just sounds like loser talk to me.
* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can’t beat that for convenient storage.
* Black holes will suck anything into them… except for Jews because they’re virulently anti-Semitic.
* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it’s a trick! You’re near the event horizon!
* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.
* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don’t take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you’ll totally fail.
* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you’re about to experience.
* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you’ll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, “That guy is totally screwed! Let’s get lunch.”
* A black hole can’t even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don’t know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.
* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.
* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, “Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere.” He won’t admit to that now.
* If a black hole is acting like it’s “all that,” flip it the bird while saying, “Collapse this into a singularity!” That’ll show it.
* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.
* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion – that’s why I’m talking about black holes.

Hollywood Comes to the Blogosphere

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On my blogads, you may notice my first movie ad ever, The Manchurian Candidate. I never saw the original (it’s on my Netflix list), but this one has Denzel Washington, so hopefully it will be good. Check out the trailer.
Also, I have a new advertiser with lots of pro-Bush merchandise and anti-Moore and anti-Kerry stuff. Check them out as well or you are a dishonorable ronin.
Finally, there probably isn’t going to be another reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt, so buy the last of them before they’re all gone. Previously sold out sizes on the others are orderable again.
BTW, I now have a full color version of Chomps and… well… it kicks pinkie toe but you guys will have to wait to see it.

Don’t Get Mad, Laugh Your Ass Off
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 The muckadoos have been out in force for sometime. They’re either protesting us defending ourselves, calling everything that moves Hitler, hating everything America, or promoting sham documentaries as gospel. Now they can’t even stand one news station not having a huge liberal slant, so they’ve made Fox News their target with a smear documentary called Out-Foxed and then tried to sue them claiming Fox News’s “Fair and Balanced” slogan is inaccurate.

 And unreasonable actions like that can make a reasonable person such as me mad.

 Then I thought, “Why am I mad?” (that’s called being “introspective”) Sure these people are redefining that phrase idiot, but how are they affecting me? It’s true that Fahrenheit 9/11 has made around a hundred million in the box office, but the people lauding it are those who are already completely lost into madness and hatred. It hasn’t moved the polls, and, personally, all it’s done is help me learn to spell “Fahrenheit” correctly. Sure these people have their wacky protests and get their press coverage, but no one other than themselves look at it and say anything other than, “What a bunch of idiots.”

 Now they’re ignoring all the stations with all the years of liberal bias to single out the popular Fox News, but their little “documentary” is only getting shown around in their own sewing circles so they can pat each other on the back and say how smart they are.

 Yes it’s grand foolishness and blind partisanship to the point of insanity. It’s also aimed at people like me to show how moronic I am for believing what I believe. And, I have to admit, some of it has made me pretty mad initially. But, when you look at it, these people have no effect on anything. It’s like if a retarded kid at school came up and yelled at you, “You’re ‘tupid!” You might be insulted if it weren’t so damn pathetic. The real Christian response would be to show pity for these leftists and how far-gone from reality they are.

 But I’m not the best Christian, so I’m going to laugh my ass off at them. Come on, they’re little yiping dogs that don’t even come up to our knees trying to intimidate us. Everyday they shake their tiny fists in impotent rage, and their biggest possible accomplishment is to annoy us – so why let them succeed? The opportunities for fun are endless if you’re creative. One idea is to take them very seriously, and keep asking them questions of gradually increasing ridiculousness until they finally figure out you’re making fun of them:

 “So do you think Bush did a lot of this on behest of the Saudis?”

 “What do you think Halliburton’s involvement was with Abu Grahib? I just know they had a hand in that.”

 “It’s not just blood for oil; the glass consortium wants all that sand.”

 “Let’s not stray too far from the main point: How does this Iraq war relate to the Roswell cover up?”

 Another idea is to play the stereotype of a conservative that is in their fevered minds:

 “I think oil is worth a lot more than foreigners’ lives. Come on; when was the last time an Arab baby did anything for you? If I can save a few pennies at the pump, then I say saturation bomb all the playgrounds we can.”

 Ever since 9/11, liberalism in America has felt itself dying at the hands of reality. Instead of going out with either a whimper or a bang, it’s found an even more pathetic way to die out. Just don’t let it get to you; no matter who wins the election, these wackos will have no significant influence over anything.

 Life is just too short to get angry over little things and little people, so have a laugh. I believe God made everything for a purpose, and what purpose could there be for wacko leftists other than our amusement?
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such political books as “Never-Ending Debt: The American Deficit and Its Affect on Various Political and Socio-Economic Factors” (includes a recipe for “The Ultimate Nachos”) and “‘Ted Kennedy’s Head is Ginormous!’ and Other Observations of Modern Politics”

In Five Seconds These Pants Will Explode…

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I had to work really late yesterday, so I didn’t have any time to come up with a post yet. I’ll try to have something later if I can make time, but, until then, it’s entertain yourself day!
Hooray!
So, Sandy Berger stuffed classified documents down his pants, and I just know there is a joke there somewhere. Put your best crack at it in the comments section, and I, the arbiter of all humor, will pick the winner.

Our Military XXIV

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Here are more military stories. I’d like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you’d like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Thanks.

Colton writes about his recent signing up with the Air Force:

There are two reasons that I joined the Air Force. One is that I’ve always wanted to fly. So why not get paid to do it? I can’t really explain why I didn’t do that right away after college. Instead I moved to Arizona for a few years and worked for a printing company. Then the second reason happened. September 11th probably sounds like a clichéd reason, but it really was the event that spurred my decision. It wasn’t immediate, though. A little while after the attacks I found myself at work talking with a fellow employee, and heard myself say, “I just wish that there was something I could do”. It struck me as a very hypocritical thing to say. I was 25 (at the time), healthy, and not particularly enthralled with my job. I COULD help, and so I decided to do it. I bought myself a pilot’s license, submitted my application, and now I’m in Navigator school here in Texas.

Scott writes about jumping (and what happens when you refuse to jump):

I’ve often joked with friends that the initial training I received in the Army (Basic, AIT and Jump school) was the best fun I ever had that I’d never want to repeat. It was during basic paratrooper training that one of my favorite Army Moments ™ happened.
The third and final week of jump school is appropriately called “Jump Week.” Candidates are expected to make five successful (!!) jumps over five days to earn the coveted wings of a paratrooper. Two weeks of preparation on the ground and in the training towers are meant to provide sufficient mental conditioning to override any natural resistance to throwing one’s self out of a high-performance aircraft at 1500′ during the final week. To accomplish this, the regimen includes a seemingly endless repetition of the steps performed aboard the aircraft prior to the actual jump. Falling is the easy part of an airborne operation; gravity does most of the work. It’s getting out of the plane that takes some skill.
My stick and I (jumpers are broken down into 12-person groups called “sticks”) were on the last load of the day. We’d spent more than 12 hours on the airfield enduring the heat and humidity of a Georgia summer, the whole while laden down with jump gear and with nothing to divert our minds from what we were about to do. Sweat, fatigue and nerves would take their toll on one of our number shortly.
The aircraft reached jump altitude and we were on heading to the release point. As the Jumpmasters opened the doors on either side of the aircraft, the anxiety level shot off the scales. Both Jumpmasters turned to their sticks (one on each side of the aircraft) and began issuing the final instructions:
JM: “Check equipment!”
Jumpers: *nervously touching everything associated with their chutes and harnesses to make sure nothing looked out place, and not really knowing what an out-of-place item would actually look like*
JM: “Sound off with equipment check!”
At this point, the last jumper in each stick is supposed to yell “Okay!” and smack the jumper in front of him on the helmet, ass, or arm. That jumper then shouts “Okay!” and smacks the jumper in front of him. This goes all the way to the front of the stick, with the first jumper being expected to look the Jumpmaster in the eyes, point at him and yell, “All okay, Jumpmaster!” From which point the Jumpmaster can order the first jumper to “Stand in the door!” and await the green light to “Go!”
That’s what’s supposed to happen.
We had made it to the equipment check, and the chorus of voices relaying the “Okay!” status got to the first jumper in my stick. He looked the Jumpmaster dead in the eye, pointed to him and shouted, “All okay, Jumpmaster! But I’m not going!”
The Jumpmaster’s mouth fell open in a look of shock and disbelief. He glanced over to the Jumpaster at the other door, who had a similar look on his face. A glance back at the offending candidate, another look to the other Jumpmaster and then a look of well-controlled, angry determination settled on his face. He peeked out the open door, took a step toward the candidate, and before we could register what was happening, grabbed him by the harness and threw him out into the sky. Jumpmaster settled back into his position by the door, looked at the new number-one jumper in the stick, glared at him and issued the second to last command, “Stand in the door!”
When he ordered the command to “Go!”, no one else in the stick had any trouble finding his/her way to the exit.

Exredleg has a story about children’s strange affinity for MRE’s:

Okay … here is a little story for your “Our Military” section! BTW … I was stationed with “DNice” at that Lance Missile Battalion in Germany (2-12th FA! Herzo Base!)
While out in the German countryside during a REFORGER exercise, our field site was practically overrun by little kids seeking chem-lites or our MREs (God knows why!).
One little guy was very persistent. He’d ride his bike through our site asking “MRE? MRE? MRE?” To his credit, he usually brought some REAL food from home to trade (and the occasional bottle of beer).
One day, on what must have been his ump-teenth visit to our site, he rides up again begging us for MREs …
“MRE? MRE? MRE?” the little German kid asked.
“Yeah, I’ll give you an MRE …” said one of our smart-ass mechanics, ” … for your sister!”
We all had a good laugh as the kid sped away from out site.
Not 20 minutes later … the little guy came back with his sister; his BABY sister … in the front basket of his bicycle!
We gave the kid a bunch or MREs, and even some bonus chem-lites … and let him keep his sister!
Strange but true!

Is That a Classified Document in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

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Why couldn’t Sandy Berger just steal furniture like the other Clinton people?
Oh yeah; harder to fit down pants.
I still stick by my statement about Sandy Berger I made some time ago – his name would make a horrible menu item at a fastfood joint.
NOTE: His real first name is Samuel, so I guess going by “Sandy Berger” is better than being known as “Sam Berger.” Heh.
Oh, and be careful with controlling classified documents, kids. It’s no laughing matter.
Heh heh… Sam Berger.
UPDATE: I just thought that Sam Berger was being a moron, but now I hear he had notes hidden in his socks!
Those Clinton people, I tells ya, you gotta keep an eye on them.

Don’t Call Us “Girlie Men” or We’ll Cry Like Little Girls

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I love how Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called the Democrat California legislature “girlie men,” and then the Democrats fight back by whining and throwing hissy fits like a bunch of girlie men.
I really could never understand how any self-respecting man could vote for a Democrat.
Well, hear me now and understand me later: I think Arnold should keep up the rhetoric. He should have a press conference to apologize saying, “I am so sorry I upset the Democrats by calling them ‘girlie men.’ To make up, I’ll give them all pretty flowers so they squeal with girlish glee.”
Hell, this seemed to hit a vein so well with the Democrats, we should use it at the national level. President Bush should put out an ad with an Arnold voice over saying, “What if you elect Kerry president, and there is terrorist attack, but he can’t respond right away because he’s spending an hour fixing his hair, the frilly little girlie man.”
In the Vice Presidential Debate, Dick Cheney could just keep bouncing a basketball off of John Edwards’s head while saying, “Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry?”
To which Edwards will answer with a tearful, “Yes.”
Politics have just evolved, my friends. Thank you, Arnold.