Today’s wisdom is from venerable samurai Thomas Paine:
Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.
Man, I thought I was original in calling government a necessary evil. Stupid people before me already having the good ideas before I even get a chance.
Anyway, as I always said, one should consider using government to achieve an end with the same gravity as considering burning down an orphanage to achieve an end.
Unbelievably, I still have not gotten any government grants to build my space laser, S.M.I.T.E, even after my original spiel for it, my detailed plans of it, and showing its domestic applications. To further display its usefulness, I now have produced a graphical representation of its non-lethal uses.
Well, I guess its targeting and power output still have to be worked on. More arguments for why I need the funding!
For the caption contest of SarahK’s picture, I asked SarahK to pick the winners. Here is what she wrote:
honorable mentions:
“Gross incompetence and laziness eventually led to the firing of all Leprachauns; southern conservatives – reportedly cuter and better armed – have taken up responsibility for gaurding pots o’ gold in the US.” — sandor at the zoo
“Girls Gone Republican!” — 007
“This peaceful and idyllic scene brought to you by the letters I M A and O. IMAO, we kill people so you can live peacefully in your little foo-foo *** village” — SuperBiff
maybe i’m just happy to see beo say something other than “first”, but he gets fourth place with…
*knock knock*
“Hi, I’d like to know if President Bush can count on your vote this November.”
rightwingduck scores third place with a “Welcome to the Frank J.
Summer Camp, here is your counselor… Sarah K.” and “After having dispatched a squad of protesting tree huggers.. a happy rainbow appeared. And Sarah shot it.” haha.
In second place is Wolf’s Dawn with “That’ll teach those happy little bluebirds to fly over MY rainbow.” and “When I say be home by six for dinner, Frank, I MEAN IT!”
Reed the Viking would have been disqualified for calling me a lesbian, except that this one made me cackle, so he’s the winner… “In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair.” he also gets points for kissing up: “8th wonder of the world” and: “Hey Wizbang, my t-shirt babe can beat up your t-shirt babe!” (it’s really not as funny, but i support the war on wizbang and his babe.)
Everyone listed get to send me one question for Frank Answers™, except for Reed the Viking who can send two. Choose your questions wisely.
The Peace Gallery has been updated, with all the pages moved to the new template and a number of new ones added. There is my brother Joe foo’ the Marine, mighty Leibhusar who is stuck in France, my first celebrity in the gallery (other than me), SarahK and her little sizzle, SarahK herself, Bearhunter, and a new addition to the Chomps page.
I plan to eventually move all material to the new template, and, while I’m at it, make a new FAQ with actual answers (put question suggestion in the comments), a new About Me page, and an official page for Reagan’s Ronin. Also, I’ll get to adding more random quotes (it’s more than a year lagged right now).
Be honorable, ronin.
“Excuse me, foreign person,” Buck the Marine said, “I am not currently here to kill you. Could you please point me in the direction of The Hague?”
The confused foreigner complied.
“Thank you kindly.” Buck chambered a round into his M-16. “Ooh-rah!”
“Be careful taking the cuffs off,” Detective Ian Competent told the police officers, “Those hands of her are what she uses for strangling.”
“I never strangled anyone!” Laura Bush protested, “I just once choked Jenna a little.”
“And be careful with Barney, the world’s angriest dog,” the detective said, “Reportedly he’s ripped people apart with his bare teeth.”
The little Scotty dog was placed in a tiny kennel, to which he responded, “Yipe! Yipe!”
“Barney has never hurt anyone!” Laura yelled, “His jaws aren’t even large enough to get his teeth around someone’s arm.”
“Save it for the judge, Rumsfeld Strangler!” the detective responded.
“This is ridiculous. The Rumsfeld Strangler is Donald Rumsfeld. He even leaves notes saying so.”
“Don’t try and confuse me with your feminine wiles,” the detective answered.
“Do I at least get a phone call?”
“Sure, but you’ll be in load of trouble if you use the cord to strangle anyone.”
Laura groaned and then made a phone call. “Hey, Barbara, is your father there? …What do mean he’s been abducted by the Hague? That idiot is always getting into trouble. Anyway, I need some help; these silly people have arrested me for the being the Rumsfeld Strangler… No I won’t tell you my methods of killing because I am not the Rumsfeld Strangler! …No I don’t need tips from you and Jenna on being in prison! Whenever your father gets back from The Hague, remember to tell him that I’m in prison… Write it down so you don’t forget… Are you writing it? …Well, find a piece of paper and a pen now and do it; I’m not trusting you not to forget… Don’t you use that tone of voice with me!”
“Has the president been abducted by the Hague?” a reporter asked.
“That’s the craziest thing I ever heard,” Scott McClellan answered, “He’s simply at Camp David.”
“Were you beaten up by Bush’s cabinet?”
Scott touched one of the bandages on his head and grimaced. “No. I fell… multiple times.”
“Is it true that Laura Bush has been arrested for being the notorious Rumsfeld Strangler?”
“I don’t even know where to begin on describing how crazy that is,” Scott answered.
“Then why is there a press conference scheduled for right after this where Detective Ian Competent will announce that he’s arrested Laura Bush as the Rumsfeld Strangler?”
“Well… uh…” Scott started sweating. “Screw this. I’m heading to a bar.”
Scott walked off, and the detective took his place at the podium. “I just want to announce that all hippies, evil foreign diplomats, and violent criminals can sleep soundly tonight without fear of strangling as the Rumsfeld Strangler has been captured. It ends up, all this time it was Laura Bush. That may surprise some, but these serial killers usually tend to be the quiet, librarian, First Lady types.”
“What makes you so certain the Rumsfeld Strangler is her?” asked one reporter.
“An intended victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler reported seeing her and Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld before escaping. We then talked to Secretary Rumsfeld, and he confirmed that Laura Bush was around when someone was about to be strangled.”
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News stepped forward. “Isn’t it true that you recently stayed a weekend at one of John Kerry’s luxurious homes – well, Teresa Heinz’s homes – and were bribed to embarrass the Bush administration.”
“You’re a crazy person to say that!” the detective said indignantly, “Perhaps criminally crazy!”
“Then why do you have a canvas bag sitting next to with a big dollar sign on it and the words ‘Property of John Kerry – Who Served in Vietnam – on Loan from Teresa Heinz’?”
“I knew I should have made my bank deposit before the press conference,” the detective grumbled. “This press conference is over!”
“Bush is evil! He guilty!” shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
“Please wait until the trial starts,” the judge said. “Senator John Edwards, you can start.”
“Republicans have plagued the earth for years now, destroying the environment and causing wars and being mean to people,” Edwards said, “Thus we must make them all pay 8 trillion dollars in damages – of which I get 30% to cover filing expenses.”
“Bush is evil! He guilty! He like jooos!” shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
“You can say something now,” the judge told Bush, “Perhaps an apology for Republican evil.”
Bush stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, and straightened his tie. “You’re all a bunch of stupid irrelevant foreigners and I don’t have to listen to anything you say. Screw you… screw you all.” He then sat back down.
“Jury, what do you think?” the judge asked.
“Bush evil! He guil…”
An explosion sounded in the building. “We’re under attack!” a guard yelled.
“Then implement our defense plan!” the judge said.
“But all our plans are for multilateral attacks! This one is unilateral!”
A wall blew open and in walked Buck the Marine. He looked all about the room and quivered with anger. “For’ners!”
“Yay! Now you dummies are going to get it!” Bush shouted.
“I brought your hat,” Buck said and tossed a cowboy hat to Bush.
Bush put it on. “Now it’s time for an old-fashioned Texas ass whup’n!” He grabbed the nearest foreigner and started pounding while Buck threw grenades and fired his rifle.
“Eek!” Edwards squealed and ran away.
The Judge fled too, and was glad to see a blue helmet in the hallway. “Yes! U.N peacekeepers have come to save us from the evil Americans!” He stared for a second longer. “Why are you walking on all fours?”
“Bush has escaped the Hague!” Terry McAuliffe yelled as then gnashed his teeth and stomped his feet.
“We’ll get him yet!” John Kerry vowed, “Or I didn’t serve in Vietnam… which I did. Now I’m tired, so, Jeeves, please shout my enemies name into the air while shaking your fist for me.”
“Certainly, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered. “BUUUUUUSH!”
“So was your trashing the Hague retaliation for them kidnapping you?”
“We just did it just because we felt like it,” Bush answered the reporter, “The Hague is too irrelevant to respond to anything they do or say.”
“Do you think your pardoning of Laura Bush for being the Rumsfeld Strangler shows nepotism?”
“Nep-a-what?” Bush asked as he furrowed his brow, “Anyhoo, Laura has promised not to strangle anyone every again.”
“I never did strangle anyone in the first place, gosh darn it!” Laura shouted.
“See, she is very sorry,” Bush said, “Now all you reporters scram; we have White House stuff to do.”
Bush headed to his office with his staff. “I’m just glad everything is back to normal. I’m still surprised to find that Laura is the Rumsfeld Strangler and that Barney is such a vicious killer.”
“Yipe! Yipe!”
“I strangled all those people!” Rumsfeld growled.
“Sure you did, Rummy,” Bush laughed and then slapped Rumsfeld on the back.
“You do that again… I’ll strangle you!”
“That’s my Rumsfeld,” Bush chuckled. He then looked around. “Hey, where’s that rascal Chomps.”
“Judge, I think the invasion has ended,” John Edwards said as he sneaked into the judge’s chamber. “It might be safe to escape now.” Edwards looked at the judge for a moment. “Something seems different about you. You have the robes and the white wig… but you look a bit like an angry rottweiler.” Edwards looked more closely. “A very angry rottweiler.”
“YAHHHH!”
THE END
From Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
If you cut a face lengthwise, urinate on it, and trample on it with straw sandals, it is said that the skin will come off. This was heard by the priest Gyojaku when he was in Kyoto. It is information to be treasured.
What this means is… Holy crap! What was in this guy’s sake?
Eww…
Let us once again consult Sun Tzu:
Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.
Therefore the clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy’s will to be imposed on him.
We must hold the offensive to succeed.
Man, there’s like so much stuff that happens and I can’t cover it all. Like, I keep hearing about how the “Bush lied, people died” thing was blown out of the water when they found out that Joe Wilson is the liar about something about yellow cake. But I’d have to read more to understand that, and I’m not that interested in yellow cake; I like chocolate.
Luckily there are other blogs to cover the issues I don’t.
This is why I don’t like professionals entering the blogosphere. There is this huge thing over a reported dry run of a terrorist attack on an airplane, and Michelle Malkin was actually able to get in contact with the woman who saw and wrote about it to confirm the incident. If I didn’t like Michelle Malkin so much, I’d hate her.
RightWingDuck has how he thinks the NAACP meeting went. Hey! I do the funny here!
Serenity has more on Moore (a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat). Apparently, Michael Moore broke some law in Canada. I actually sympathize with him on this. Some years ago, I went with my family for a couple hours to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and I was totally freaked out! Here I was in a country that didn’t understand freedom like ours, and I could inadvertently break some Mickey Mouse law without even knowing it. I sure kissed the ground when I got back to American soil.
It tasted like tar.
Rumor has it that the Iraq PM is personally executing insurgents. That kicks ass! I wish our president would personally kill more people.
And to me, it’s just hilarious that Derbyshire would write this.
Since he’s so into math, I pulled out my statistics book, and, after a couple hours of calculation, I determined there is a 0.5 probability that Derbyshire would be rated as the same Olsen twin as Jonah Goldberg. Luckily it’s not the Olsen triplets, or the problem would have increased exponentially.
I’m getting tired of people who admit there may be flaws to Fahrenheit 9/11 but say people should see it to help stimulate debate. This reminds me of “Gay Jeans Day” at Carnegie Mellon University (we had two college funded gay and lesbian groups – three if you included the Womyn’s Center – but us college Republicans had to scrounge for our own funds since we were “political”). The idea of “Gay Jeans Day” was that a random day would be chosen on which wearing jeans was either proclaiming you were gay or in support of gays and this would cause people to think about gay issues before they put on their pants that day (there is a joke there somewhere…). Some people thought this would foster discussion… and it did. Everyone spent a lot of time talking about what a retarded idea “Gay Jeans Day” is and pretty much nothing else.
In the same vein, Farhenheit 9/11, with all its lies, distortions, and wacky conspiracy theories is fostering lost of discussion about how retarded that film is and what a fatass Michael Moore is. People might as well drop a big pile of manure on the floor and say, “Let’s use this to foster debate about political issues!”
And those who keep saying they want a debate anyway are really just mindless Bush-haters who want to do nothing but yell. Fine, let’s accommodate them by putting them in straight jackets and throwing them in padded rooms where they can yell all they want. Have your discussion with your imaginary friend Flippy the seven-foot tall anteater.
By the way, this reminds me of one my favorite jokes during my college years. The wacky feminist Women’s Center was judged non-political so it got funding (i.e. my money), to which I would say, “Why do we need a Women’s Center? We have women’s rooms all over campus.”
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children’s books as “Baby’s First Quantum Physics Textbook” and “President Harding’s Pop-up Book Adventure.”
Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions… but, whatever.
Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!
Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.
As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
“I’d rather be reading IMAO”
“Back off, muckadoo!”
“Dammit! There’s a sticker stuck to my nice car!”
The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?
I’m not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.
Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?
As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.
Cap’n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?
I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.
Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?
I’d probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.
Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn’t send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they’d be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I’ll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they ‘re good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?
Get a decent caliber (it should start with a ‘4’); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don’t worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.
Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That’s where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?
I’d trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He’d decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I’d decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he’d get back to see what I had done, I’d have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.
Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.
Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.
You know, he’s one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I’ll get him one of these days…
Yeah, I’m big into patricide.
Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word “French Looking” and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.
“French-looking” comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry “the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam” for a long time now.
As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I’d like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don’t hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.
Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!
If you have questions for Frank Answers™… then win one of my contest. Ha ha!
Okay, I write some long list basically calling Michael Moore fat and disgusting in every sentence, and look what someone writes me:
Picking at details and not looking at the big picture in the message that Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrates is the downfall of Moore’s opponents. MichaelMoore never states that America is not great, only that George Bush and his goons are dragging down that same America into his dictatorship, environment-killing, oil-mongering reality, and that we want to get rid of that blemish. By simple analysis of facts that are in our face we can make a sincere determination as to the types of dynamics that motivate Bush in office.
By harping on alleged lies of Michael Moore, shouldn’t we look at the list of much larger lies that our PRESIDENT has proven himself to state so offensively to the public of the United States?
Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas> Gracias,
Aaron Carapella
This muckadoo has chosen me for a intelligent debate? Oy. So I write back:
Huh? You serious?
And he writes back:
Wow! What an articulate attempt to confront the content of my message, using displacement as your answer. It is so ironic that those who purport to be able to support such a strong stance fall to non-answers.
Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas Gracias,
Aaron Carapella
So this guy is about a hundred miles south of Clueville and head in the wrong direction.
I respond:
Who is doing what now?
And he persists:
Really intelligent. People just like you will vote for Bush.
Sad. Too bad he’ll lose.
Oh, he trying to draw me out by making me angry. We know how that always works. And if this guy is so convinced Bush is going to lose, why is he getting his panties in a bunch trying to argue with me? Probably should have asked him that, but instead I wrote:
You’re right. That would be bad, but I think he has a good chance for reelection since Kerry is such a goober (maybe I could write a documentary on that…).
Thanks for writing IMAO. I hope you keep enjoying the site.
And muckadoo says:
I hope you reflect upon whom you are supporting a little bit more.
Take care
The guys parroting the mindless talking points of the left (i.e. being a total muckadoo), and he tells me to “reflect”? So says I:
I have. Bush kills terrorists and anyone else in our way and Kerry is a goober. It’s a stark choice for the voters that should make for a healthy election.
Keep in touch.
Quoth the muckadoo:
Bush is a tyrannical terrorist himself, preemptively attacking nations who have never attacked the US until pushed into defensive mode-not to defend Saddam, but why don’t we “liberate” people who are in countries without oil?
If Bush would have said,”I want to attack Iraq for oil domination” I would have at least respected his candidness. He is a scary felloe hellbent on the world bowing to him. He’ll go out prematurely as his father did.
Crikey! That muckadoo is mad now! Look at him thrash about! Isn’t he beautiful?
And says I:
You’re right; Bush should invade Cuba (or does that have oil). Then maybe he can get reelected. It sure beats being goverened by a goober (though that’s a neat phrase).
And that seemed to get rid of him.
Muckadoo.
Dan wants help adopting a cute puppy that looks like a baby chomps. Aww…
Via Crypto-Grams, I found this list pictures of concealable weapons for airport screeners to look for. My first reaction was, “Damn! I gots to get me some of these!” My other was that there is no way a screener could stop some of these from being sneaked in. The only solution may be to sneak in a weapon of your own to fight back! (NOTE: IMAO or it’s subsidiaries – of which there are none – do not condone or recommend sneaking weapons onto airlines. Only do so if advised by your lawyer or a lawyery looking person.)
Thanks for the advice on buying computer parts. To the one who recommended getting a MAC, the people at red vs. blue (Yay! I can watch season 2 without squinting with my new monitor!) has a good response to that with this hilarious parody of those Mac commercials they use to run.
