Previous Episode

“Excuse me, foreign person,” Buck the Marine said, “I am not currently here to kill you. Could you please point me in the direction of The Hague?”
The confused foreigner complied.
“Thank you kindly.” Buck chambered a round into his M-16. “Ooh-rah!”

“Be careful taking the cuffs off,” Detective Ian Competent told the police officers, “Those hands of her are what she uses for strangling.”
“I never strangled anyone!” Laura Bush protested, “I just once choked Jenna a little.”
“And be careful with Barney, the world’s angriest dog,” the detective said, “Reportedly he’s ripped people apart with his bare teeth.”
The little Scotty dog was placed in a tiny kennel, to which he responded, “Yipe! Yipe!”
“Barney has never hurt anyone!” Laura yelled, “His jaws aren’t even large enough to get his teeth around someone’s arm.”
“Save it for the judge, Rumsfeld Strangler!” the detective responded.
“This is ridiculous. The Rumsfeld Strangler is Donald Rumsfeld. He even leaves notes saying so.”
“Don’t try and confuse me with your feminine wiles,” the detective answered.
“Do I at least get a phone call?”
“Sure, but you’ll be in load of trouble if you use the cord to strangle anyone.”
Laura groaned and then made a phone call. “Hey, Barbara, is your father there? …What do mean he’s been abducted by the Hague? That idiot is always getting into trouble. Anyway, I need some help; these silly people have arrested me for the being the Rumsfeld Strangler… No I won’t tell you my methods of killing because I am not the Rumsfeld Strangler! …No I don’t need tips from you and Jenna on being in prison! Whenever your father gets back from The Hague, remember to tell him that I’m in prison… Write it down so you don’t forget… Are you writing it? …Well, find a piece of paper and a pen now and do it; I’m not trusting you not to forget… Don’t you use that tone of voice with me!”

“Has the president been abducted by the Hague?” a reporter asked.
“That’s the craziest thing I ever heard,” Scott McClellan answered, “He’s simply at Camp David.”
“Were you beaten up by Bush’s cabinet?”
Scott touched one of the bandages on his head and grimaced. “No. I fell… multiple times.”
“Is it true that Laura Bush has been arrested for being the notorious Rumsfeld Strangler?”
“I don’t even know where to begin on describing how crazy that is,” Scott answered.
“Then why is there a press conference scheduled for right after this where Detective Ian Competent will announce that he’s arrested Laura Bush as the Rumsfeld Strangler?”
“Well… uh…” Scott started sweating. “Screw this. I’m heading to a bar.”
Scott walked off, and the detective took his place at the podium. “I just want to announce that all hippies, evil foreign diplomats, and violent criminals can sleep soundly tonight without fear of strangling as the Rumsfeld Strangler has been captured. It ends up, all this time it was Laura Bush. That may surprise some, but these serial killers usually tend to be the quiet, librarian, First Lady types.”
“What makes you so certain the Rumsfeld Strangler is her?” asked one reporter.
“An intended victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler reported seeing her and Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld before escaping. We then talked to Secretary Rumsfeld, and he confirmed that Laura Bush was around when someone was about to be strangled.”
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News stepped forward. “Isn’t it true that you recently stayed a weekend at one of John Kerry’s luxurious homes – well, Teresa Heinz’s homes – and were bribed to embarrass the Bush administration.”
“You’re a crazy person to say that!” the detective said indignantly, “Perhaps criminally crazy!”
“Then why do you have a canvas bag sitting next to with a big dollar sign on it and the words ‘Property of John Kerry – Who Served in Vietnam – on Loan from Teresa Heinz’?”
“I knew I should have made my bank deposit before the press conference,” the detective grumbled. “This press conference is over!”

“Bush is evil! He guilty!” shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
“Please wait until the trial starts,” the judge said. “Senator John Edwards, you can start.”
“Republicans have plagued the earth for years now, destroying the environment and causing wars and being mean to people,” Edwards said, “Thus we must make them all pay 8 trillion dollars in damages – of which I get 30% to cover filing expenses.”
“Bush is evil! He guilty! He like jooos!” shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
“You can say something now,” the judge told Bush, “Perhaps an apology for Republican evil.”
Bush stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, and straightened his tie. “You’re all a bunch of stupid irrelevant foreigners and I don’t have to listen to anything you say. Screw you… screw you all.” He then sat back down.
“Jury, what do you think?” the judge asked.
“Bush evil! He guil…”
An explosion sounded in the building. “We’re under attack!” a guard yelled.
“Then implement our defense plan!” the judge said.
“But all our plans are for multilateral attacks! This one is unilateral!”
A wall blew open and in walked Buck the Marine. He looked all about the room and quivered with anger. “For’ners!”
“Yay! Now you dummies are going to get it!” Bush shouted.
“I brought your hat,” Buck said and tossed a cowboy hat to Bush.
Bush put it on. “Now it’s time for an old-fashioned Texas ass whup’n!” He grabbed the nearest foreigner and started pounding while Buck threw grenades and fired his rifle.
“Eek!” Edwards squealed and ran away.
The Judge fled too, and was glad to see a blue helmet in the hallway. “Yes! U.N peacekeepers have come to save us from the evil Americans!” He stared for a second longer. “Why are you walking on all fours?”

“Bush has escaped the Hague!” Terry McAuliffe yelled as then gnashed his teeth and stomped his feet.
“We’ll get him yet!” John Kerry vowed, “Or I didn’t serve in Vietnam… which I did. Now I’m tired, so, Jeeves, please shout my enemies name into the air while shaking your fist for me.”
“Certainly, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered. “BUUUUUUSH!”

“So was your trashing the Hague retaliation for them kidnapping you?”
“We just did it just because we felt like it,” Bush answered the reporter, “The Hague is too irrelevant to respond to anything they do or say.”
“Do you think your pardoning of Laura Bush for being the Rumsfeld Strangler shows nepotism?”
“Nep-a-what?” Bush asked as he furrowed his brow, “Anyhoo, Laura has promised not to strangle anyone every again.”
“I never did strangle anyone in the first place, gosh darn it!” Laura shouted.
“See, she is very sorry,” Bush said, “Now all you reporters scram; we have White House stuff to do.”
Bush headed to his office with his staff. “I’m just glad everything is back to normal. I’m still surprised to find that Laura is the Rumsfeld Strangler and that Barney is such a vicious killer.”
“Yipe! Yipe!”
“I strangled all those people!” Rumsfeld growled.
“Sure you did, Rummy,” Bush laughed and then slapped Rumsfeld on the back.
“You do that again… I’ll strangle you!”
“That’s my Rumsfeld,” Bush chuckled. He then looked around. “Hey, where’s that rascal Chomps.”

“Judge, I think the invasion has ended,” John Edwards said as he sneaked into the judge’s chamber. “It might be safe to escape now.” Edwards looked at the judge for a moment. “Something seems different about you. You have the robes and the white wig… but you look a bit like an angry rottweiler.” Edwards looked more closely. “A very angry rottweiler.”
“YAHHHH!”
THE END