Many of you have seen this story about a monkey walking exclusively on its hind legs. I just want to tell you not to panic. Yes, a mutant virus has caused a monkey to spontaneously evolve, but this doesn’t mean they will all overthrow us yet ala Planet of the Apes. It’s just one monkey so far – one monkey that must immediately be killed and have its body burned.
For the rest of us, just go under normal precautions, i.e., keep a shotgun handy and listen for monkey jabber.
That is all.
First!
Hmm… Israel? Walking monkeys? Sounds like a bad B movie or something.
MUTANT MONKEYS TAKE OVER HOLY LAND – UN and France Surrender
Cursed monkeys, begone!
Ben, you are a repugnant,shallow jerkoff. That’s all you have to contribute? The gun lovers of this site should use you for target practice.
Go to F***edcompany.com to be first.
Immediately loads up shotgun and assorted pistols on wall behind self
I’m ready you motherf***s
It’s all a trick using video equipment. Like the Death Star and Jimmy Carter, it’s just a product of the Hollywood machine.
It’s obvious that the Space Monkeys have landed and have mated to produce
Mutant Offspring.
It’s also obvious that Frank’s SMITE Space Laser needs all the Congressional Black Ops Funding and Gummi-Bears it can get to STOP THIS ABOMINATION!!!!
mmmmm….. gummy bears.
That’s just creepy looking.
I work with a guy similar to the pictured Space Monkey Mut-O.
Same thick brow. Same sloped forehead. Those his head is shaved. Same thick pelt of fur and stooped shoulders.
…………………………………
Besides being yummy.
Gummi-bears are very important to the SMITE Space Laser, sarahk. As Frank will tell you.
Once exposed to High Voltage, Mega Amperage Burst Electricity. The Gummi-Bears begin to Plasma, Fuse and Focus. Producing the pretty purple/red color of the SMITE’s Laser Beam.
she had a stomach ache and almost died.
It must of felt better to stand, now she’s afraid to walk like a monkey.
It’s all pretty tragic really.
Only apes could operate a gun, scarry thought really.
monkey’s would fall over from the recoil, they are not balanced for that sort of thing.
So no worries bout monkeys taken over, but now apes…..
Dean Koontz wrote a great book about super intelligent animals, used of course as weaopons and intelligence gathering, awesome story. It’s called Fear Nothing.
It’s not a completely new occurance. Previously there was a chimp named Oliver who not only walked upright, but had all manner of human-like behaviors. He started showing ‘interest’ in his human female caretaker & was sold, which eventually lead to genetic testing to see if he was part human. Unfortunately, this is the only link my 10 second search on Google came up with.
http://www.n2.net/prey/bigfoot/creatures/oliveru.htm
Was Oliver sold outside the town of Springfield, Jenno?
Did Oliver show a preference for Pork Chops and Applesauce while being poked and prodded by Dr. Marvin Monroe?
Did he have a blue haired, loving wife named Marge?
Enqiring minds want to know!
Excellent, everything is falling into place exactly as planned. Muwuahahahahahhaa
I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but i could have sworn I saw a monkey practicing some Ninja moves. Be scared. be very very scared.
Ooops. false alarm. Turned out it was just a neighbor. Damn he has a hairy back.
“One possible explanation is brain damage from the illness, he said.”
Well, brain damage and walking upright fits the human equation. At least in California.
I just hope she doesn’t do like Oliver the chimp, and latch onto some lonely male caretaker for a night of sweet, sweet monkey loving.
OK,
As a precaution, we need to practice our lines…
Now everybody, in your best Charleton Heston voice:
“Get your filthy hands off me, you damned dirty ape”
Shotgun? Shotguns are for burglers and the like. For invading monkies, nothing beats the M1 Garand… other than perhaps an M60, but I don’t have an M60 and my Garand has already proved its worth during some minor hippie uprisings… And yes, gummy bears are a viable way to make lasers. No joke. Jello works, too. The trick is that the gummy bears have to be replaced often or they will caramelize… So you get a laser and lots of gummy bears to eat that all warmed up and soft.
Speaking of upright monkeys, here is a nose-cam video of some Iraqi insurgents getting their dues:
http://www.steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=13150&type=1&page=1
WARNING!
Before you copy & paste the link I just put up, be aware that the site has all kinds of ads for “adult” websites, so make sure the kiddies aren’t around if you go there. I’ll see if I can find a way to just go directly to the video.
Alright, try this instead:
http://www.steakandcheese.com/downloads/evaporating_the_insurgents.wmv
Frank, if you would please delete the website from my other post please.
The guy that did the music in Planet Of The Apes just died. I love that soundtrack.
Davd, you talking about Goldsmith? He also did some of the Star Trek movies music. I don’t think my better half has found out yet. I didn’t want to depress him.
That monkey is my cousin so shut up!
Now, now, fellow humans. This is not the time to panic. I’m sure our genetically enhanced, monkey friends mean you er, us, no harm. Especially if you do not resist. Relax, and welcome them with open arms and fresh bananas. Many fresh bananas. Ook.
Frank, your Fan Club–Mu.Nu Division was all over that days ago. You could at least visit us every now and then–if you did you’d see the video that demonstrates what your katana will do to you if you abuse it.
I shot my first achery 3-d tournament today. One target was a baboon, I shot a 12 (the highest score).
I was happy I finally got to shoot a monkey, Tennessee doesn’t have enough for killing, too bad this one was foam though.
Oh, BTW, if you want to do your part killing foam monkeys you can find the target here: http://www.rinehart3-d.com/targets2.html
Dear Friends,
Let us call this little missive “Shock and Awe”. Much has been said about Oliver, including some interesting comments and observations on this very forum. At no time has the real truth about Oliver been revealed, except now as I have been authorized to share a small, but interesting aspect of Oliver previously guarded as ABOVE TOP SECRET MJ-12 EYES ONLY CODE DELTA. Although it is true and well known that Oliver drinks beer, smokes cigars, feeds the dog, defecates in a flush toilet, and has had relationships with several human female partners, there was a time in his career when he was engaged in research work critical to the security of the world. Nothing before or since can be compared to this event. In the 1980’s, Project GIFTKUCHE was formed under the NSA to investigate certain technologies made available by Dr. Werner von Braun just prior to his death in 1977. This involved alien technologies that the Germans had obtained from a UFO that experienced a catastrophic propulsion failure and crashed in the Baltic during October of 1944. The wreckage was recovered and sent to Peenemunde for analysis. The war situation became hopeless before the Germans could gain any real benefit from this wreckage and Von Braun had it transported by submarine (U-977 commanded by Schaeffer) to South America just as the war in Europe ended. The wreckage remained untouched in isolated storage in Argentina until its location was divulged by Von Braun on his deathbed in 1977. The goal of Project GIFTKUCHE was to analyze this wreckage and develop new technologies if possible. As the project progressed, it soon became abundantly clear that faster-than-light travel was indeed possible and a test vehicle was constructed. Failure after failure resulted and it became clear that a pilot for the vehicle was needed so a call went out for volunteers. Several human pilots were involved, all died or went completely insane. Several chimps were tried, they too suffered similar fates. Finally, Oliver was called forth. While the nerves of many normal chimps and even some humans participants shattered under the strain, Oliver rose above the rest and succeeded. More specifically, Oliver is the only living creature to have piloted a faster-than-light vehicle and survive with a normal mental state. Other chimp and human pilots assigned to test this vehicle returned in a state of total mental collapse or were expired upon return. Oliver was the only one to complete the journey. Obviously, this technology is considered to be “impossible” and the governments of the world have fostered this view in a coordinated effort to keep the vehicle and the technology involved absolutely secret. Previously to the test piloted by Oliver, telemetry collected during the failed tests defied all explanation. Upon his return Oliver was able to augment the telemetry with his own personal observations which lead to an overall explanation and understanding of faster than light travel. During the Cold-War, certain nations became aware from intelligence intercepts that Oliver accomplished something astounding and made attempts to seduce him with human female operatives. To his credit, Oliver did not reveal important information although he did indulge himself repeatedly with these women (everyone knows of his mighty sexual appetite) and consumed great quantities of expensive liquor and cigars involved in the seduction scenarios. These attempts to gain his confidence did alarm his handlers so they began to create a cover for Oliver as a beer drinking, cigar smoking oddity. Basically something like a Russian circus freak. Having to choose between this or a full frontal lobotomy, Oliver went along with the cover story and slipped into obscurity for many years. Following approval from MJ-12, this information is now being made public in accordance with Executive Order 29-2004-X.