Getting A Feel For It

Hi, I’m Harvey of Bad Example (formerly of Bad Money). I’m not Frank, and I don’t even play him on TV. However, I have been an IMAO reader for over 18 months, and I once beat Frank in his own permalink contest so I have some theories about what his readers like.
To test those theories, I’m starting off by cross-posting, in a slightly modified form, a recent entry from Bad Example. My next post will be original material.


KERRY’S POST-WAR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
No matter what question you ask John Kerry, he’ll somehow manage to mention his Viet Nam service in the answer.
“Where will you be campaigning this week Senator Kerry?”
“I’ll be in Florida where President Bush has just finished misleading a hurricane into devastating the countryside, much like I devastated villages with my Zippo when I served in Viet Nam.”
Personally, I don’t understand that. I served in the Navy for 6 years. You don’t hear ME referring to THAT every time I open my mouth:
“Don’t you think the sky is a lovely shade of blue today, Harvey?”
“Yes, but not as blue as the shirt I wore during my 6 years in the Navy.”
Just let it go, man.
Besides, it’s not like Kerry doesn’t have lots of post-war accomplishments to brag about, like… um… er… well…
Screw it. I’ll just make stuff up:
When the Krypton Criminals invaded Earth and Superman had given up all his powers, John Kerry personally stopped General Zod by using his laser vision.
My cat was stuck in a tree last week. John Kerry stood under it and told war stories until Fluffy passed out from boredom and tumbled to the ground.
When terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001, Kerry said that people shouldn’t do that. You’ll notice that no one has attacked the WTC since then.
Kerry finally got that THING removed from his face, so he doesn’t have to keep picking at it like he did during the Winter Soldier hearings.
He bravely married Teresa Heinz so that no one else had to get stuck with her billions.
He lets Secret Service Agents relieve pent up frustrations by pushing him down. Which is why the phrase is “going Postal” and not “going Secret Service”.
Defying the predictions of all the political experts, Kerry found a way to out-dork Michael Dukakis’s tank picture.
He stopped the Borg from assimilating Earth by inventing the warp drive.
He ended the argument over whether it’s possible for a 60 year old man to look sexy in spandex by proving it’s not.
He made Michael Moore stop peeing on the rug by whacking him with a rolled up newspaper.
He rescued important-looking hair from the fashion taboo list.
He made man-on-man public displays of affection socially acceptable outside of San Francisco.
He found Jimmy Buffet’s lost shaker of salt.
He gave Bluto the ass-whuppin’ he so richly deserved. Yay spinach!
He turned down that job as Viagra spokesman, thus saving the nation from the incaluculable psychic anguish that the mental picture would’ve caused.
My apologies for the psychic anguish caused by that last mental picture.
He restored America’s pride by winning the coveted “Waffle King” title back from the hated Belgians.
He walked across America barefoot with a metal pot on his head, planting apple seeds wherever he went.
He was brilliant as Captain Jack Sparrow in “Pirates of the Caribbean”.
Hmmm… I might have to re-Google those last two.
In the last three years, he once went a whole day without saying the words “Viet Nam”. Which is more than you can say for the major media outlets.
And most important of all, he’s accepted the Democratic party’s nomination as “loser of the 2004 election” so that Hillary is free to get her ass kicked in 2008.


So, on the Frankly Amusing scale (10 being “Frank J.” and 1 being “Al Franken”) where does that sit?
Oh, and if you enjoyed that, I’ve got an entire category of Precision Guided Humor posts which may or may not be of a similar caliber.

John Edwards in the US Hair Corps

IMAO Readers, RightWingDuck here. Okay, so the media is still focused on George Bush’s Vietnam Record and are still refusing to discuss John Kerry beyond his press releases and glossies. Where is the research on John Edwards?
I have tried everything (except actual research) but cannot find reference to any military service by John Edwards. So I did a John Kerry War Story Embellishment – I’ve made some up.
See, I don’t see John Edwards as a soldier, and definitely not as a Marine. Air force? Nope. Navy, hey, I’m ex-Army but I have SOME respect for the Navy guys. Nope he didn’t quite fit into any of the standard branches of service..
So without further ado, I give you..
The Adventures of John Edwards in the US Hair Corps!
Hair Corps Theme Song (Sung to the tune of the Air Force Song)
Off we go, making them blonde and blonder
Sitting them high, into the chair
Hear the roar of the blow dryers thunder
At’em boys, let’s have some fun!
Here we comb, and brush and style in wonder
Those split ends, hitting the floor
We live with flames, and work with flames
Nothing can stop the US Hair Corps!
We join our hero John Edwards at a small medical outpost in Vietnam. The sun is starting to set on this dreary sight, as all around us we see brave wounded young men. Bleeding. Moaning. Many in their last moments of life. A young nurse holds a dying soldier’s hand. “Nurse, Nurse, I’m dying. Will you..”
In walks John Kerry.
“NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURse. I have a scratch on my arm. Owie! Can I get a Band-Aid and a Purple Heart please?
The nurse gets up to attend to Mr. Kerry. “I’m sorry, Lieutenant, We can give you the Band-Aid, but the purple heart has to be awarded.”
“Fine. Can you give me a bandaid and award me a purple heart?”
From the tent corner we hear: “Nurse. I’m dying. Can you?” gag. Gag.
“I’m sorry I need to take care of this soldier.”
“Why? He’s gonna die anyway. Listen, this scratch really hurts, embarrassing too. It’s no fun when you shoot yourself, no way, ma’am. Damn kids in loincloths. I’ll get them, and their little village pets, too.”
A young man taps Kerry on the shoulder. “Excuse me. While you’re waiting for your Band-Aid maybe I could touch up your hair. You look a frightful mess and I think you have split ends.”
Kerry examines this tall drink of champagne. He sees a skinny kid with long light brown hair – tied in pigtails.
“Who are you? And what in the name of JFK’s yacht are you doing here?”
The young man snaps of a sharp salute. “John Edwards. Stylist First Class. US Hair Corps.”
“Air Force?”
“Goodness no. The have entry requirements. US Hair Corp. We’re a top notch organization dedicated to solving hair issues.” He reaches into a mauve colored rucksack and pulls something out. “Here’s a brochure and a free shampoo sample.”
“Is that a rucksack?”
“Yes, standard Hair Corps Issue.”
“Hmm. Never seen one in Purple.”
“Really, well, it’s not purple Mr. Longface — it’s mauve.”
“Well, Hmmm. Nice brochure. Maybe I’ll take a cream rinse.”
Shreeks. “Wonderful.”
Our nurse comes back. “Well, I hope you’re happy! Poor kid died. Kept trying to share some kind of secret, not that I could hear because of you, Mr. Yakity-Yak. Now what’s your problem — oh goodness, what happened to your chin?”
John Kerry is miffed, “Nothing. I just have a naturally long chin.”
“Well, I can help with that, too! All we need to do is create some balance.” Edwards goes to work on Mr. Kerry’s hair. Five minutes later..
“See? By adding 5 inches to the height of your hair, we create the illusion of balance. Sometimes, illusion is more important than reality, I say.”
“Really? What are you some kind of Hollywood director?”
“Oh no. I’m just an average kid who’s trying to find himself. So I joined the Hair Corps to get some direction — and to learn how to cut hair.”
“Thanks kid, my hair looks great. I’ll be doing some filming later today -mostly just reenacting all of my heroics. Hey, would you consider running around in a loin cloth? I need to re-shoot some footage.”
Edwards blushes. “Well, I guess I’d consider it – if it’s for a good cause and all.”
“Thanks kid. If I’m ever running for President, I’ll make you my second in command.”
John Edwards beams with pride. A heavenly light shines on John as he smiles.
He’s John. John Edwards. Stylist First class. Hair Corps. Dippity-Do and Dye.
We fade out as we hear the theme from the Hair Corps Academy.
What adventures will our Stylist First Class have? Will wearing a loincloth lead to bigger and better things? Who else will this amazing young man meet in the steamy jungles of Vietnam? Is there a difference between Mauve and Purple?
Stay tuned for the further adventures of John Edwards and the US Hair Corps!
IMAO Readers, parts 2, 3, & 4 are posted at the new RightWingDuck blog site.

How To Make The Olympics Cool Again

Hi Gang,
RightWingDuck here filling in as one of your Guestbloggers. I’d like to talk to you about an event that I just can’t seem to get off my mind, or the TV for that matter. THE OLYMPICS.
Are the Olympics cool? Are they a waste of time?
The Olympics started not too long ago, and what have we heard from the Blogosphere? Whine, whine, whine. We whine like a Frenchman wanting more Iraqi Oil. We whine like the a Democrat in Florida.
We whine about the Olympics being boring. We complain about unfair judging. We groan at the idea of steroids and their impact on sports. We pretend to be shocked that some Olympians are posing nude before they ever even compete.
Listen. I wave the flag for the good ol’ US of A everyday, but more so at the Olympics.
Here’s my gripe. I believe we’re taking this Olympic thing in the wrong direction!
Have you ever watched those cool car overhaul shows? Like Dude, Pimp My Ride or Overhaulin’? They don’t try to just change the paint a little or tweak it here or there. They go all out! They redo, repaint, and replace virtually everything!
And that ladies and Gentlemen is exactly what the Olympics need.
You see, we need MORE STEROIDS. We need more ACTION. We need MORE nude Olympians!
I want a juiced up sprinter. I want to see them popping pills just before the race and watch the foam. I want them so juiced up you think they’re about to outrun a locomotive! Whooooosh.
I want them to measure the 100 yard dash with that measuring thingy from the Dragster Races. I want to see these people go so fast that parachutes come out to slow them down. I want them so fast that instead of those stupid flower tattoos these people have racing stripes and chrome on their running shoes.
Heck, we could combine the sprint and the archery events into one. It would give a challenge to the archerers by having moving targets – and let’s face it – nothing motivates a sprinter more than knowing somebody is targeting their butts.
“Here they come, it looks like the Canadian is in front, yes, there he goes BAM whoa – nice shot by the Bulgarian. And it’s the American by a nose!”
Yes- ACTION!
I really don’t care if most of the swim teams are taking performance enhancers. You want to enhance performance, make the events more interesting. Speaking of swimming, how about making these events more for the masses?
How about having Budweiser sponsor a ‘Drink and Dive’ event? The swimmers get loaded then they have to walk across the diving board as best they can and then do their dive. I want to have the divers get so loaded they miss the swimming pool and land on the papparazzi table. I want to see sombody do a cannon ball. I want to see some diver get so stinkin’ drunk he pulls down his trunks and pees off the high diving board. How many points would he get for THAT? Not only would it be funny, it would have something for the ladies as well.
Can I get a YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
We need to crank this baby up and have fun with it.
Ask yourself, do you want to see a weightlifter train for years and years just so he can beat his personal best record from 4 years ago by 10 pounds? Of course not. I want these athletes cranked to full power and tweaked to maximum capacity. I want them so pumped full of steroids, we get to see what the human body is REALLY capable of doing? Don’t just tweak the car – load it up and press the pedal to the metal.
I want a weightlifter that has so much pharmacia in him that not only does he have breasts, but he has THREE of them! I want a guy who can move so much weight he has a sponsorship from Caterpillar! Guys who are so amped that if their arms broke they would just keep on lifting because they didn’t even FEEL it.
Can I get a WOOHOO!?
And while we’re at it? Why not have pharmaceutical sponsors? That’s an official sponsor I’d like to see. Sure “Offical Film of the Olympics” is nice and “Official Airlines of the Olympics” is cool.
How about, “Flexoor, Official Drug of the US Weightlifting Team – less Testicular Shrinkage – more Muscle!”
Or better yet, something along the Mastercard commercial: “Flight to the Olympics – $500. Cost to attend the 100 yard dash event $35. Cost to run like a bat out of hell – $20 per vial”.
See, this competition could be fun? It’s just that some of the events lack Zip. How about a Fear Factor type of Olympic event where people have to eat gross bugs? Sure, we’d have to disqualify anyone from a country where bugs are standard fare on a menu, but that would still be cool.
“Here we see the Australian Athlete about to eat a Tarantula. Oops, missed a leg – oh, he’s gonna lose points for puking!”
And what’s with the complaining about the athletes posing nude? So what? You don’t like it, don’t buy the magazine! I want these athletes to pose nude. I want to pose the Women’s Chinese swim team next to the Men’s Weightlifting squad and see who has bigger private parts!
Folks, the problem is that the Olympics are really a TV sport. Sure, it’s nice to attend an Olympic event and collect pins and all of that other 0ld-lady crap: but when all is said and done, the Olympics are viewed from home.
TV has changed – but the Olympics really haven’t. We need to form a new Olympic Committee – one where we look at what is fun – what works – and what has a chance to be seen and attended.
See, this thing could be fun. I should pick up the ball and run with it. First, I need an official sponsor.
I can’t wait for 2008.
Rightwingduck has a blog at www.rightwingduck.com. He is the writer of this post and not much else.
So chime in! What event would you “enhance” and how would you do it?

Black Bears – The Original Party Animals

I wasn’t planning on posting anymore until I got back from the trip, but this is hilarious.

My Hat

I didn’t have any time to come up with a post, but I did take a picture of my hat.

I don’t have a cowboy hat yet, but I have a nice Austrailian hat to wear during to the hike to keep the sun out of my eyes.
Now that I talked about my hat, I’ll turn the blog over to RightWingDuck of RightWingDuck and Harvey of Bad Example. If they do bad, tell me so I can have them destroyed.
Be honorable, ronin.