How To Make The Olympics Cool Again

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Hi Gang,
RightWingDuck here filling in as one of your Guestbloggers. I’d like to talk to you about an event that I just can’t seem to get off my mind, or the TV for that matter. THE OLYMPICS.
Are the Olympics cool? Are they a waste of time?
The Olympics started not too long ago, and what have we heard from the Blogosphere? Whine, whine, whine. We whine like a Frenchman wanting more Iraqi Oil. We whine like the a Democrat in Florida.
We whine about the Olympics being boring. We complain about unfair judging. We groan at the idea of steroids and their impact on sports. We pretend to be shocked that some Olympians are posing nude before they ever even compete.
Listen. I wave the flag for the good ol’ US of A everyday, but more so at the Olympics.
Here’s my gripe. I believe we’re taking this Olympic thing in the wrong direction!
Have you ever watched those cool car overhaul shows? Like Dude, Pimp My Ride or Overhaulin’? They don’t try to just change the paint a little or tweak it here or there. They go all out! They redo, repaint, and replace virtually everything!
And that ladies and Gentlemen is exactly what the Olympics need.
You see, we need MORE STEROIDS. We need more ACTION. We need MORE nude Olympians!
I want a juiced up sprinter. I want to see them popping pills just before the race and watch the foam. I want them so juiced up you think they’re about to outrun a locomotive! Whooooosh.
I want them to measure the 100 yard dash with that measuring thingy from the Dragster Races. I want to see these people go so fast that parachutes come out to slow them down. I want them so fast that instead of those stupid flower tattoos these people have racing stripes and chrome on their running shoes.
Heck, we could combine the sprint and the archery events into one. It would give a challenge to the archerers by having moving targets – and let’s face it – nothing motivates a sprinter more than knowing somebody is targeting their butts.
“Here they come, it looks like the Canadian is in front, yes, there he goes BAM whoa – nice shot by the Bulgarian. And it’s the American by a nose!”
Yes- ACTION!
I really don’t care if most of the swim teams are taking performance enhancers. You want to enhance performance, make the events more interesting. Speaking of swimming, how about making these events more for the masses?
How about having Budweiser sponsor a ‘Drink and Dive’ event? The swimmers get loaded then they have to walk across the diving board as best they can and then do their dive. I want to have the divers get so loaded they miss the swimming pool and land on the papparazzi table. I want to see sombody do a cannon ball. I want to see some diver get so stinkin’ drunk he pulls down his trunks and pees off the high diving board. How many points would he get for THAT? Not only would it be funny, it would have something for the ladies as well.
Can I get a YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
We need to crank this baby up and have fun with it.
Ask yourself, do you want to see a weightlifter train for years and years just so he can beat his personal best record from 4 years ago by 10 pounds? Of course not. I want these athletes cranked to full power and tweaked to maximum capacity. I want them so pumped full of steroids, we get to see what the human body is REALLY capable of doing? Don’t just tweak the car – load it up and press the pedal to the metal.
I want a weightlifter that has so much pharmacia in him that not only does he have breasts, but he has THREE of them! I want a guy who can move so much weight he has a sponsorship from Caterpillar! Guys who are so amped that if their arms broke they would just keep on lifting because they didn’t even FEEL it.
Can I get a WOOHOO!?
And while we’re at it? Why not have pharmaceutical sponsors? That’s an official sponsor I’d like to see. Sure “Offical Film of the Olympics” is nice and “Official Airlines of the Olympics” is cool.
How about, “Flexoor, Official Drug of the US Weightlifting Team – less Testicular Shrinkage – more Muscle!”
Or better yet, something along the Mastercard commercial: “Flight to the Olympics – $500. Cost to attend the 100 yard dash event $35. Cost to run like a bat out of hell – $20 per vial”.
See, this competition could be fun? It’s just that some of the events lack Zip. How about a Fear Factor type of Olympic event where people have to eat gross bugs? Sure, we’d have to disqualify anyone from a country where bugs are standard fare on a menu, but that would still be cool.
“Here we see the Australian Athlete about to eat a Tarantula. Oops, missed a leg – oh, he’s gonna lose points for puking!”
And what’s with the complaining about the athletes posing nude? So what? You don’t like it, don’t buy the magazine! I want these athletes to pose nude. I want to pose the Women’s Chinese swim team next to the Men’s Weightlifting squad and see who has bigger private parts!
Folks, the problem is that the Olympics are really a TV sport. Sure, it’s nice to attend an Olympic event and collect pins and all of that other 0ld-lady crap: but when all is said and done, the Olympics are viewed from home.
TV has changed – but the Olympics really haven’t. We need to form a new Olympic Committee – one where we look at what is fun – what works – and what has a chance to be seen and attended.
See, this thing could be fun. I should pick up the ball and run with it. First, I need an official sponsor.
I can’t wait for 2008.
Rightwingduck has a blog at www.rightwingduck.com. He is the writer of this post and not much else.
So chime in! What event would you “enhance” and how would you do it?

No Comments

  1. Fool! Don’t you realize that you’re playing directly into Aquaman’s hands? If we let dopers into the games, we’ll have to let mutants and Atlanteans into the game.
    He would rule the acquatics events with an iron Trident-clutching fist!
    Frank will have your hide when he gets back.
    Although, come to think of it, if we let Aquaman in, we’ll have to let Namor in too, and we all know he’d whup ol’ gill head in a straight up competition.

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  3. Well, since apparently you can’t actually remove any “sports” from the olympics, it makes sense to at least change some of the sports.
    Add rabid electric eels to synchronized swimming?
    Or hungry polar bears to curling?
    TV coverage could be better too. I think they should televise more of the sports that matter. Any of the gun sports, and the fencing sports would hold my attention.
    Honestly, I don’t watch anything on tape delay anyway, and haven’t paid much attention to the Olympics ever since it became apparent the IOC was as corrupt as the UN.

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  5. I wanna see dodgeball as an official event. Not the sissy crap like in the Ben Stiller movie – I’m talking about dodgeball like in the arcade game from the late 80s / early 90s called “Super Dodge Ball.” Remember that one? You had three midgety guys on your team and three giant guys. The giant guys could throw the ball and make it streak across the court, or split into three balls, or fly into orbit and come down and conk a guy on the head, and when somebody got eliminted, they didn’t walk off the court, they DIED and turned into a little red cross angel and floated off the top of the screen. THAT’S what I want to see in the Olympics. And I think they should move the IOC from Lausanne to someplace a little more connected to reality, like Dallas. And I think that anybody who trains in America should be banned from competing on a foreign team. But most of all, Super Dodge Ball.

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  6. Why not combine the swimming events and the nude pictures? Have the swimming events done completely in the nude!!
    OTOH, absolutely no nude track and field events for the guys. Some things are not meant to be seen.
    Also, I don’t want to see those swollen hemorrhoids on the weight lifters. Although it would be good for the kids to see the lack of genitalia so they wouldn’t do the steroids themselves.
    If you are going to have bears in curling, how ’bout sharks in swimming events?
    Instead of a little birdie for badminton, how ’bout a live grenade? That would definitely motivate me!

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  7. Instead of individual or team sports, competing in a particular specialty, the Olympics should pit entire nations against eachother, in the ultimate test of overall human ability. This test would require strength, endurance, intelligence, courage, economic and political skill.
    Yes, every four years, let’s all compete in the new Olympic sport known as “global war.” That would be cool.

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  12. Hrmmm….
    1) Get rid of those sissy little fencing foils and give them choices between real swords (ie. Katanas, Claymores, Bastard swords, &c.)
    2) If our Shooting teams are going to be coming from the military, they should use calibers they would use in the field… like .50. And give them Frenchmen as targets.
    3) Figure Skating… two words… Tanya Harding.
    4) Add bar fighting to the list of martial arts used in the Olymipics.
    5) More fights to the death… the Greeks used to love ’em back in the day.
    6) The French man feed. This would be a new sport created only for the French to compete in. They would be tied to huge wooden posts and have wild dingos, monkeys, baby bunnies, and other horrible animials set on them. They would be graded on the type of surrender used, pants wetting, and white flag construction. When they get their medals, the American Shooting teams should show up and just take them for themselves.
    Thats all I can think of off the top of my head.

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  14. You guys think too small…
    Here are my ideas:
    Track and Field enhancements: Electrify the hurdles and add sniper zones and minefields to any running events over 100 meters. Speed up shot put by making it explosive and putting a timer on it. Javelin throwing could be combined with pole vault. Extra points if the javelin thrower can spear the pole vaulter before he clears the bar.
    Swimming events — one word: sharks. OK, 4 words — hungry, pissed off sharks. Don’t know about you but I’d shave about 45 seconds off a 100 meter freestyle with a great white on my ass. The mind boggles at the possibilities with syncronized anything and sharks.
    Soccer – base teams not on countries but on ethinic and/or religious beliefs so you can get some REAL rivalries going. Also divide up the stadium into alternating sections of fan support. Your team wins extra points for every section of the stadium your fans are able to take over.
    Actually you could add that last part to any stadium based event.
    Baseball – All infielders wear catchers outfits. Base runner gets to bring the bat with him as he rounds the bases. Tackling is permitted. Add in the fan fighting part above. Obviously, some European soccer hoodlum fans will have a starting advantage in that area.
    Hockey – real lakes, thin ice.
    Basketball – add explosive timer to basketball. Combine with team orientation and fan base as described above. Maybe allow body checking to players attempting to dunk.
    Golf – Instead of being quite on tee offs your opponents should be allowed to taunt you and try to screw up your shots. After the last player tees off you then race in the golf carts demolition derby style down the fairway. Get to your opponents ball first and you are allowed to hit it any where you want. Also could add mines to sandtraps, sharks to water hazards and make every Par 3 have a hidden sniper but with rubber bullets.
    Just a few off the top of my head…

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  16. There are so many ways to spice up the existing events.
    All nude Olympics would be cool. If the ancient greeks could do it, so could the rest of the world now.
    Additions:
    1. A ring of fire on the vault
    2. Uneven bars and rings suspended over a crocodile pit. Don’t fall!
    3. Arrow catching!
    4. Surround the balance beam with 12″ spikes, except for a 2′ diameter circle for a landing area.
    5. Roller F*cking! (sorry Mr. Carlin)
    6. Random trap door pits during the floor excercise
    7. 1 word…Gladiators!

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  17. Or…how about instead of all performance enhancing drugs, you have all performance degrading drugs!
    Athletes on LSD might add a little something to that ribbon floor dancing crap.
    I think crack and the uneven bars would be fun to watch.
    Angel Dust High Dive?
    Weed could cause the Marathon to last 4 days and the winner is the first person to find the finish line.

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  20. Good one Ducky!! I like the idea of the amped up weight lifters. It would be like that Saturday Night Live skit where the guy trys to lift the weight and his arms come off and there blood pumping out and his bones and muscle are just hanging there. Ew. I like that one.
    Hey Chris! Instead of athletes on LSD, how about if they’re on LDS? They could all ride around on ten-speeds with crisp white shirts and black ties and the one with the most converts gets the gold??!

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  24. Monster Kabasue: Never underestimate the power of a wife.
    Beo: Spewed Hawaiian Punch everywhere when I read, “they didn’t walk off the court, they DIED.”
    Faith+1: Can’t stop laughing over visual of batter trying to get to first while swinging bat at first base man who is ducking and diving while trying to tag batter with ball.
    Ducky: Thanks for starting this!

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  25. Perhaps we should return to the ideas of yore. Back to the origional Olympics. But this time instead of feeding Christians to the lions, we could feed hippies to the lions. Or, we could feed hippies to the Christians!

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  26. OK, you guys have missed one that is readily apparent and I think Frank J. would really appreciate it….
    Beach Volleyball, and here’s the catch….
    Randomly placed land mines are throughout the court. Now that’s a challenge!!
    As a twist, the land mines are removed and replaced each match so the next teams don’t know where they are. And yes, we’ll allow each team to have replacement players when one takes it for the team!!!

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  28. Get rid of that sissy table tennis event and replace it with full contact 8-player Jungle Pong.
    Also, Ultimate Frisbee should be an event. Again, the full contact variety that we play around these parts. Kind of like rugby, but the scrums happen in midair.

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  29. Oh yeah, and there was another old video game that would make a great Olympic event: Ninja Golf. You pick your club and take a swing just like a normal golf game, but then you have to fight your way up to where your ball lies as ninjas jump out and attempt to destroy you.
    Also Calvinball. We should definitely have a Calvinball event. Of course the French would accuse us of cheating and making up the rules as we go, but so what. Calvinball rules! “You just landed on a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down!” “Sorry, this vortex spot is in the opposite zone. You spin.”

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  31. Announcer: “And now the French team is standing perilously close to the edge of the cliff. Let’s see what Mother has for them now…”
    Mother: “French team! Take one giant leap!”
    France: “Mother May I”
    Mother: “Yes you may!”

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    1. Biathlon: A combination of cross-country skiing and target shooting with wimpy .22’s? Nah, super-deadly biathlon! Participating athletes cross-country ski with modern, high powered sniper rifles and target each other; surviving athlete wins gold. No silver and bronze medals. “There’s no silver and bronze super-deadly biathlon!”
    2. Rhythmic gymnastics: Skinny girls with twirling ribbons to pleasing elevator music. Exciting? No way, dude! Pump-up the volume sexnastics! Porn stars and strippers using gym equipment in all sorts of ways never dreamt by their builders or normal hetro-men. Extra credit scoring for team play.
    3. Javelin and Fencing: Who can chuck a wimpy spear the farthest or lightly tap an opponent with the tip of a little foil? What is this, France or the Olympics? Hoplite full-contact warfare! Teams compete to the death using Bronze Age weapons, amour and the tactics of the ancient Greek Hoplite armies. Obviously, the heavy favorites this year would be the actual Greeks followed by the Macedonians. In future Olympic years, the host country would substitute its’ most favored ancient form of warfare and carnage into the games. Thus, Norway would have Viking raids with bezerkers, Italy would host legionary violence, England, Dark Age or medieval bloodbaths and the USA, civil war close quarters combat. The games would never be held in France again, since no real country, except France has learned how to out surrender another country to death.
    4. Soccer??: Metric football? Wimpy and whinny euros and other backward civilizations kicking a ball around with no skull crunching, bone breaking, stick slashing, board checking, tackle busting action? Where is the fun in that? Real American football against their metric football! How about the Ravens or the Bucks take on Manchester United or some other lame metric team? You play your “game” and we play ours? What mischief and funnery that would entail!
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  52. In Pythonian fashion…
    Anyone remember the Monty Python bit about the “Being Eaten by a Crocodile Competition”?
    “Anything can happen in this sport where today’s champion is tomorrow’s crocodile shit.”
    Super Smash TV? Hell yeah… And while we’re on the subject of video games that could be better Olympic events, How about Toobin’? Floating down rivers throwing beer cans at bears, fly-fisherman, and stuff. Much better than team kayaking.
    And how about Blades of Steel style hockey? Fights are encouraged and the losers goes to the penalty box.
    And let’s not leave out Mario! We could have the Olympic “Jumping On and Shooting Fireballs at Turtles” event!
    Or how about Olympic “Hogan’s Alley” where the targets shoot back!
    And on reconnecting the games to the war training origin:
    Olympic “Marching on Paris” (Germans favored in this event due to their vast experience and knowledge of all the shortcuts)
    Olympic “Tank Duel” and “Dogfighting” (must use tank/aircraft from your country’s military. Live ammo. No silver or bronze awards)

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  53. For team sports, strip poker rules. Ice strip dancing. The biggest nipple contest to follow. The light the fart contest, color, noise, size, and casualties for points. The mixed drinking contest, Vodka, Beer, Mead,
    Wine, Jack Daniels, repeat. The clearing rooms with a submachine guns and handgrenades contest extra points for those who had just finished the mixed drinking contes, four rooms two grenades and three clips, max thrity rounds each, ammo power factor of 170 minium, per contestant. All grenades must be fragmentation, no sissy concusion stuff, wounding yourself double point penalty. Followed by the projectile vomiting contest. Gambling contest on outcomes. Those caught trying to fix a contest are automatic for the outrun the lions event. For the last sport, the Grand Melee.

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  57. Faith+1,
    The difference is that (from what I’ve heard) in real hockey, both (or the one who starts the fight) are punished. This way confrontation is encouraged, and may even make it worth watching. Definitely so if we also incorporate your idea of “real lakes, thin ice…”

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  61. Red Light, Green Light … using motion sensors!
    …and computer controlled sub-machine guns.
    The Calvinball suggestion was a classic, Calvin and Hobbes is by far my favorite comic strip.
    I agree that CQB scenarios should be included, but then again, we know that either the SAS, Delta, or the HRT would win every single year (maybe GSG9 too).
    I think someone mentioned it earlier, but why aren’t video games seriously considered for the Olymics? They require split second timing, years of practice, and true dedication to your sport. Just imagine, we could have such wonderful events such as rocket jumping, time trials (Quake Done Quicker anyone?), and freestyle Dance, Dance Revolution (although the Japanese might always win that last one).

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  62. OK, let’s see here, we all seem to want:
    Drugs and Booze
    Nudity
    Blood Sports
    Farts
    Video Games and Video based games
    French Targets
    And the most important
    CALVIN BALL
    Now who should we get for coaching of the US Calvin Ball team. Former US President Bill Clinton might be useful for the making up a new rule on the spot coach.

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