Scientist have now genetically enhanced monkeys to make them workaholics. Are they insane? Stop enhancing monkeys! I heard a while ago about scientists making it so that monkeys can control a robot arm with their brains. Combine these two and know what you get? Monkeys with Doctor Octopus like arms working tirelessly to destroy us all!
While talking about weird stuff, I should mention that Russian scientists, while digging up an alien device that crashed in Siberia, found a rock!
Archive of entries posted on 12th August 2004
Frank Answers: Impressing Women, Socks, Sea Monkeys, SarahK, and Robots vs. Monkeys
Beo writes:
I hate it when people incessantly ask idiotic questions like, “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? (Of COURSE it does, you ninny! The universe does not depend on your perception of it!)”
And then they act all smug, like they just said something intelligent.
So, my question is this: when you consider the effects of parallax, and the difficulties involved in the relatively infinitesimal length of the base used for ASA triangulation in which errors as small as one-millionth of a degree can result in a measurement error of tens of thousands of light years, why do some scientists pretend that they actually know how far away stars are? Are they all just a pack of liars, or are they just trying to impress women or something?
Since the beginning of time, everything man has ever done was to impress women. Topple empires, invent computers, shower daily – all to impress women. Why did John Kennedy vow to send men to the moon? Because one day Marilyn Monroe probably said something like, “I bet it would be neat to go to the moon.”
Probably one day some woman said to a scientist, “I wonder how far away those twinkly things in the sky are?” Thus the scientist ran out to do some hasty calculation (and I bet he still didn’t get any). So keep that in mind when reviewing any scientific data.
Reed the Viking writes:
1. Sandy Berger was caught putting documents in his pants and in his socks. Bill Clinton had a cat named Socks. Was the Cat somehow involved, or was it coincidence? Sam Berger got caught because the truth came out cause he couldn’t keep his pants on. Bill Clinton also had problems keeping his garments on. Is Sandy Berger having relations with an intern? How is Hilary involved? Is she an Avatar of Evil?
2. Are sea-monkeys bad like land monkey’s? If so, what are they plotting? Can Aquaman speak to them and convince them of good? If not, who would win in a fight; Aquaman vs. Sea-monkey’s? One last thing; What would you do for a Klondike bar?
1. Hillary is the Avatar of Evil, but that has nothing to do with the rest of the question. As for Socks the cat, I don’t trust cats and think he was probably involved. As for what Sandy Berger was up to, he was probably just stuffing his pants to impress women.
2. Sea monkeys are just stupid little shrimp sold to gullible children. Even Aquaman can beat them by just drinking one of those little aquariums they come in (and he could understand their screams of terror– muh ha ha).
As for what I’d do for a Klondike bar, I’d go to the store and buy one… but only if I was already going to the store to pick up a few other items.
Carl from Timonium, MD asks:
So when are you and SarahK meeting in real life?
That reminds me, didn’t I have an announcement or something to tell you people…
right wing duck writes:
Lately I’ve been reading about monkies that can walk on two legs. I also saw the movie I-Robot. I’m concerned. What if they monkies and the robots take over. The robots are logical and would vote republican. Monkies are stupid and throw their own feces, much like democrats. However, monkies can reproduce. Therefore they would outnumber the robots. Eventually, we would have a whole congress and senate full of democrat monkies. help me Frank. I lose sleep over this every night.
But robots build more robots. Isn’t that what I, Robot was about? I didn’t go see that movie because it looked stupid.
Frank Answers™ is now by invitation only, so stop sending me questions because I hate you.
Almost There… (Stay on Target!)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today’s wisdom comes from an eight-year-old Shyna who is well on his path to being a wise samurai:
There should be no monkeys in the world.
Ken Wheaton has the full context.
In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript – Interview with Michael Moore
…
Brian Kilmeade: You have to admit, it’s quite a controversial stance.
Michelle Malkin: I’m just doing research and reporting the facts.
Steve Doocy: But first you defended Japanese internment in your new book, and now you’re defending slavery.
Malkin: You have to keep the real story out there in light of the terrorist threats. If we had taken those suspected terrorists and made them pick cotton and compose folksy songs about Jimmy cracking corn and their nonchalant attitude about it, 9/11 would have never happened.*
Brian: You do have a point there.
E.D. Hill: Well, it’s been great to actually have you in studio this time, Michelle.
Malkin: Thanks, but – not to be rude – it kind of smells here.
Steve: That’s our next guest. You might want to clear out before him.
Malkin: Yeah… I’m thinking so.
E.D.: She is so smart.
Brian: And to balance that out, our next guest is Michael Moore.
E.D.: That was mean to say.
Michael Moore: Thanks for inviting me to your right-wing propaganda show.
Brian: We’re fair and balanced, you fat, liberal bastard!
Moore: Hey, I… AHHH! I thought you said you’d steel-reinforce the chairs for me.
Steve: We did.
E.D.: Someone get him some cinderblocks to sit on.
Moore: Now, as I was saying… AHHH! Cheap cinderblocks!
Brian: At least the floor seems to be supporting him.
E.D.: Now, you are quite a controversial figure.
Moore: Lies! The majority is with me!
Steve: Do you make that majority by including all wacky liberals’ imaginary friends?
E.D.: You have to admit, you didn’t seem popular in your Oscar acceptance speech last year. You were almost booed off stage… and that was Hollywood.
Moore: More lies and propaganda! They were booing the booers!
Brian: How do you respond to critics who say you are extremely fat?
Moore: Again, lies! I’m normal sized… everyone else is extremely malnourished!
E.D.: Anyway, what we have you here to talk about is your documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s grossed over one hundred million dollars, and some say it led the way to more documentaries making money, such as Supersize Me.
Moore: That idea was stolen from me! I ate nothing but McDonald’s food for over two months… I just didn’t think of filming it.
Steve: About your movie…
Moore: Ham!
Steve: What?
Moore: You promised me hams! No more questions until I consume a ham!
Brian: Someone toss him a ham.
Moore: (gurgle)(slurp)
E.D.: Eww. I never saw someone eat a ham whole like that.
Moore: There, I’m nourished; now you can ask me more questions.
Steve: Now some say your movie is nothing but propaganda.
Moore: Lies!
Steve: But one of the assertions you made, that Bush made special favors to get the bin Laden family out of America, was directly contradicted by Bush critic Richard Clarke.
Moore: Hey, it’s a movie. Not everything has to be true. What important is the contention that Bush made war for corporate interests – which is a fact – even if I don’t have facts to support. All the film critics understood that.
Brian: But that doesn’t make any sense.
Moore: Ham!
Brian: Hey! You have to answer more questions before you get another ham!
E.D.: Camera 2 is shaking around.
Steve: Ed is sick today, so they had a last minute replacement as cameraman. I guess he’s having some trouble.
E.D.: He doesn’t look like a cameraman at all. He looks more like an angry dog.
Steve: A very angry dog.
Moore: No! Not again! AHHH!
Brian: Wow, he sure doesn’t like Michael Moore.
Moore: THE PAIN!!!
E.D.: Now I remember him. He was from when Steve Irwin visited. That’s Chomps, the world angriest dog.
Moore: SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Steve: You’d think it would be hard to inflict pain on Moore with all that fat to bite through, but Chomps really seems to be giving it his all. He’s completely frantic.
Moore: STOP SITTING THERE TALKING AND GET HIM OFF ME!!!
E.D.: Maybe we should help him.
Brian: A lot of people would say he deserves to be savagely bitten by the world’s angriest dog, though.
E.D.: But I liked him so much as that Scottish guy in the Austin Powers movies.
Moore: That wasn’t me… AHHH!!! NOT MY GROIN AGAIN!!!!
Steve: It’s time for a commercial break. Do you think you can wait through it, Michael Moore?
Moore: NO!! PLEASE END THIS NOW!!!
Steve: More of Moore and the weather after the break. Heh heh… “more of Moore.” That’s funny.
Moore: SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!!!
* Apologies to Michelle Malkin at the cheap shot, but I am a slave to the humor muse. As penance, I’ll buy her new book and read it; this excerpt has really intrigued me.