In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript – Interview with Michael Moore

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…
Brian Kilmeade: You have to admit, it’s quite a controversial stance.
Michelle Malkin: I’m just doing research and reporting the facts.
Steve Doocy: But first you defended Japanese internment in your new book, and now you’re defending slavery.
Malkin: You have to keep the real story out there in light of the terrorist threats. If we had taken those suspected terrorists and made them pick cotton and compose folksy songs about Jimmy cracking corn and their nonchalant attitude about it, 9/11 would have never happened.*
Brian: You do have a point there.
E.D. Hill: Well, it’s been great to actually have you in studio this time, Michelle.
Malkin: Thanks, but – not to be rude – it kind of smells here.
Steve: That’s our next guest. You might want to clear out before him.
Malkin: Yeah… I’m thinking so.
E.D.: She is so smart.
Brian: And to balance that out, our next guest is Michael Moore.
E.D.: That was mean to say.
Michael Moore: Thanks for inviting me to your right-wing propaganda show.
Brian: We’re fair and balanced, you fat, liberal bastard!
Moore: Hey, I… AHHH! I thought you said you’d steel-reinforce the chairs for me.
Steve: We did.
E.D.: Someone get him some cinderblocks to sit on.
Moore: Now, as I was saying… AHHH! Cheap cinderblocks!
Brian: At least the floor seems to be supporting him.
E.D.: Now, you are quite a controversial figure.
Moore: Lies! The majority is with me!
Steve: Do you make that majority by including all wacky liberals’ imaginary friends?
E.D.: You have to admit, you didn’t seem popular in your Oscar acceptance speech last year. You were almost booed off stage… and that was Hollywood.
Moore: More lies and propaganda! They were booing the booers!
Brian: How do you respond to critics who say you are extremely fat?
Moore: Again, lies! I’m normal sized… everyone else is extremely malnourished!
E.D.: Anyway, what we have you here to talk about is your documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s grossed over one hundred million dollars, and some say it led the way to more documentaries making money, such as Supersize Me.
Moore: That idea was stolen from me! I ate nothing but McDonald’s food for over two months… I just didn’t think of filming it.
Steve: About your movie…
Moore: Ham!
Steve: What?
Moore: You promised me hams! No more questions until I consume a ham!
Brian: Someone toss him a ham.
Moore: (gurgle)(slurp)
E.D.: Eww. I never saw someone eat a ham whole like that.
Moore: There, I’m nourished; now you can ask me more questions.
Steve: Now some say your movie is nothing but propaganda.
Moore: Lies!
Steve: But one of the assertions you made, that Bush made special favors to get the bin Laden family out of America, was directly contradicted by Bush critic Richard Clarke.
Moore: Hey, it’s a movie. Not everything has to be true. What important is the contention that Bush made war for corporate interests – which is a fact – even if I don’t have facts to support. All the film critics understood that.
Brian: But that doesn’t make any sense.
Moore: Ham!
Brian: Hey! You have to answer more questions before you get another ham!
E.D.: Camera 2 is shaking around.
Steve: Ed is sick today, so they had a last minute replacement as cameraman. I guess he’s having some trouble.
E.D.: He doesn’t look like a cameraman at all. He looks more like an angry dog.
Steve: A very angry dog.
Moore: No! Not again! AHHH!
Brian: Wow, he sure doesn’t like Michael Moore.
Moore: THE PAIN!!!
E.D.: Now I remember him. He was from when Steve Irwin visited. That’s Chomps, the world angriest dog.
Moore: SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Steve: You’d think it would be hard to inflict pain on Moore with all that fat to bite through, but Chomps really seems to be giving it his all. He’s completely frantic.
Moore: STOP SITTING THERE TALKING AND GET HIM OFF ME!!!
E.D.: Maybe we should help him.
Brian: A lot of people would say he deserves to be savagely bitten by the world’s angriest dog, though.
E.D.: But I liked him so much as that Scottish guy in the Austin Powers movies.
Moore: That wasn’t me… AHHH!!! NOT MY GROIN AGAIN!!!!
Steve: It’s time for a commercial break. Do you think you can wait through it, Michael Moore?
Moore: NO!! PLEASE END THIS NOW!!!
Steve: More of Moore and the weather after the break. Heh heh… “more of Moore.” That’s funny.
Moore: SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!!!
* Apologies to Michelle Malkin at the cheap shot, but I am a slave to the humor muse. As penance, I’ll buy her new book and read it; this excerpt has really intrigued me.

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  20. Awwwww….. I wanted Michelle to hang around. Then plant the flag in Jabba’s wrecked, sundered and bleeding ass. Aided by the Fox crew. Similar to the Marines planting the flag on Mt. Suribachi!

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  24. just in reading this, I couldn’t help but envision Michael Moore as Rob Reiner was portrayed in that one anti-smoking episode of South Park… did anyone else get that same image? it certainly would make it so much funnier too, not to say this wasn’t great in and of itself… call it a compliment…

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  26. Dear FrankJ (I keep wondering how that’s pronounced…)
    A world without monkeys… That was a very good starting point to engage me in an amiable sort of suspension of contempt.
    Fusion bombs on our precious moon… Took a few minutes of panel-beating my brain to encompass that.
    Puppies in blenders…Yeah, with some gin and Prozac, I can deal with that concept. As long as it’s POODLE puppies.
    BUT (and here I have to resort to harsh ejaculations like “YOU STINKING SON OF A BITCH” because I really take a lot of comfort in having doggie friends, who NEVER criticize me for driving the same old car for the last decade, or for how frumpy I look today…)
    You are disgusting, to even SUGGEST the idea of a dog being required to place his mouth in contact with the leprous mass of maggot-flesh that is Michael Moore.
    I hope you will go somewhere and have a period of very strenuous self-examination and see if you can understand my outrage and behave yourself in the future.
    David March

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