- Rumsfeld deals with Al Qaeda threats against him!
- The Chomps predesigns and then final t-shirt design will be revealed!
- New comic!
- New Frank editorial!
- Hear the adventures of Frank J. and SarahK into the Grand Canyon!
- And maybe – just maybe – the return of Yvonne’s Ashes!
All that, and wacky weekend fun. See you later, ronin!
Archive of entries posted on 27th August 2004
The IMAO Employee Team-Building Trip 2004 – Destination: Hole in the Ground
August 20th, 2004
Friday
Got up early and turned on CNN’s poor substitute for FOX and Friends. Started some coffee brewing in the little coffee maker most hotel rooms have and took a shower. Then I dressed in the same clothes I wore the day before and tried to use the Delta overnight pack to make myself decent. I wasn’t able to figure out the weird comb/brush it came with, and it seemed to do nothing to my head except annoy my scalp. Also, the poor razor in there ended up making my neck look like it had a close run in with Freddy Krueger.
Got to the airport and onto my flight with no problems. Actually, I got the exit row which had me board with the first class passengers and gave me plenty of leg room. The legs liked that (poor fools; they had no idea what was in store for them).
After landing in Albuquerque, I quickly made my way past security. I wondered if I would easily be able to spot SarahK, my only mental image of her being wearing a black t-shirt. We spotted each other immediately though. We had a platonic handshake and then proceeded to on with our completely platonic IMAO Employee Team-Building Trip 2004. We were out of the airport pretty quickly; apparently my luggage made the connection and was waiting for me.
First stop was to get the last of the needed hiking gear. SarahK already had most things together as it was her job, but I still needed a pack. So we headed to REI, SarahK making about three laps around ‘querque before finding the destination. During that drive, she talked to a friend of hers on her cell phone. My keen cryptographic knowledge made it obvious they were talking in code about me. Nasty trickies women!
Once we went in the REI store, it became quite apparent that the ‘K’ in SarahK stands for Klutz as she tripped into about every supply rack in the store. While she kept picking herself off the ground, I got a bandana (you wet it to keep yourself cool or put it over your face to rob trains), a Thermorest mattress, and a two-day pack so I could carry plenty of stuff (the fool I was).
When I got to the cashier, I decided to ask him a question that had been vexing me.
“So, this ‘New’ Mexico – what exact improvements does it have over the previous Mexico?”
The clerk stared at me dumbly while SarahK seemed to have buried her face in the counter. Perhaps she fell on it. I then asked the clerk where the nearest Indian restaurant was so we could have some lunch. He drew us a map so exact it only took SarahK two laps around the city to find it.
Picture of Indian Restaurant
“I love Indian food!” SarahK exclaimed, “Let’s get the buffet!”
“It looks expensive, but okay,” I replied.
After about three bites from one plate, SarahK said, “Okay, I’m full.”
“You didn’t even have one plate!” I yelled, “Three plate minimum for a buffet or you’re just wasting your money.”
“Well, I’m full, silly head.”
I filled myself between grumbling and then we headed out onto the open road towards the Grand Canyon.
SarahK Driving
Me in Shotgun (I’m wearing the hat since I was never able to comb my hair right)
On the way, there were plenty of cliffs and mountains, and I thought them so beautiful as to take some pictures. Here are a few of them:
Picture1
Picture2
Picture3
Little did I know that this was but excrement of the greater site we would see the next day.
It was a long drive, but we had plenty of music. SarahK had a large folder of burned, stolen music of the Dave Matthews Band and played some for me so I would be familiar with it in time for the concert. One song she played was “So Much to Say” which I informed her was about being gay.
“No it isn’t, you goofy goof.”
“Listen to the lyrics. He’s singing about being stuck in a closet. He’s practically hitting the listener over the head with the metaphors.”
“Uh-uh. He says ‘baby’ in it so it’s about babies! Now you be quiet, grumpy gills!”
When we stopped for gas, we also went to a Dairy Queen for dessert.
Dairy Queen
“I love Blizzards!” SarahK squealed with glee, “Get me the biggest one they have!”
“Okay.”
She took three nibbles and then said, “Okay, I had enough.”
“Damn you to Hades, food waster!”
It was darker, and there was less to see. SarahK had talked about how she wanted to try out for American Idol, so I asked her to sing. She wouldn’t do it, so I sang the Beatles “Rocky Raccoon.” Now, it would only be proper team building if she sang too. She asked me to name a song to see if she knew the lyrics, knowing very well I hate music and can’t name any songs. I asked her if she knew that overplayed song Celine Dion sang from Titanic that always made me want to claw my ears off every time I heard it.
Ha! She knew it.
SarahK made me put my hat over my face and pretend I was sleeping before she would start singing. Now, I wasn’t expecting too much, having watched the usual contestants for American Idol, but SarahK sang with such beauty that I actually liked that song… whatever it’s called. Her singing was a complete joy… and then a moth the size of a fist slammed into our windshield and got stuck in the windshield wiper.
The Moth
Well, not long after I removed that mess, we were driving along the Grand Canyon, but all I could see was darkness and nothing more. Seemed to be a silly thing to go see, anyway. I mean, when you go to a mountain, you’re at least seeing something – the mountain. For a canyon, you’re going to see what ain’t there.
“Hey, look at all this that should be here but ain’t! Isn’t that beautiful?”
My thoughts on the subject were soon lost in the freezing cold. Apparently, it gets quite frigid at 8,000 feet in August. Not knowing this, I had only packed for the warmth. Hands numb and shaking, we assembled our tents at the campsite at the top of the North Rim. I told SarahK, “You know, if were in the same tent, we could share body heat to keep warm. It would work even better if we took off our clothes and…”
The slap to the face distracted me from the cold for a while longer. I got in my tent on my Thermorest mattress and SarahK gave me a very warm blanket about the size of handkerchief.
“S-So c-c-cold.”
Eventually I fell asleep. Apparently I snored, and SarahK tried to wake me so I wouldn’t attract bears. Luckily, neither her yelling or the bear shaking my tent roused me, and I got some sleep.
NEXT WEEK – INTO THE CANYON
UPDATE: SarahK has her version of the day up.
But You’re Already the IMAO T-Shirt Babe!
Apparently not satisfied with being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, SarahK is going to go to the tryouts for the next season of American Idol and needs your help picking a song.
I say she should sing, “She Bang!”
Ronin Thought of the Day
Samurai philosopher Geroge Orwell was to have said:
All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome.
A fool may as well be a blind man.
In My World: Opening Old Wounds
“Sir, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have set the east wing of this house on fire,” John Kerry’s butler told him.
“Bah! It will take hours until it reaches here, Jeeves,” Kerry answered, “I wonder why they hate me so. I remember my years in Vietnam as a great experience. In fact, it’s seared – seared – in my memory.”
Kerry leaned back in his chair to reminisce.
“I thought we were going to patrol the beach,” John Kerry complained, “This jungle climate is a hazard on my skin.”
“This is where the enemy are,” answered one of his crewmates, “We need to hunt them down.”
“There are some chickens on the shore,” Kerry pointed out, “Let’s shoot them and say they were Vietnamese.”
“We can’t waste ammo! You replaced most of our supplies with skin and hair products.”
“I hate it here,” Kerry grumbled as he applied cherry flavored lip balm. “I can’t wait to get back to the states and marry a rich woman.” He handed the lip balm to one of his crewmates. “Hold this for me, Jimmy, while I check on the other boats.”
Suddenly there was an explosion as a mine hit one of the boats. “Ahh! Noise! Flee!” Kerry shouted as he took the helm, turned the boat around, and hit full throttle. One crewman fell off the boat in the ruckus.
“Jimmy is in the water!” a crewman yelled, “Since there isn’t even any enemy fire, we need to go back and get him!”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kerry answered, enraged, “I’m serving in Vietnam!” He then thought for a moment. “Wait. He had my lip balm!” Kerry quickly turned to boat around. He then ran over to the side of the boat and reached to pull Jimmy out of the water.
“You saved my life!” Jimmy exclaimed.
“Now where is my lip balm!”
“I… uh… dropped it.”
“Idiot! Don’t you know who I am?” Kerry lifted his hand to strike Jimmy, but then noticed something on his arm. “I’ve been wounded!”
“I don’t see anything.”
Kerry quickly covered it up. “I need to preserve it to get another purple heart!”
“I even wrote about that day in my diary, Jeeves.” Kerry opened his diary and read to his butler. “The Vietcong were firing on me from both sides of the river, and I took three bullets as I reached for Jim Rassman with one hand while firing back in the other, killing 32 Vietnamese. I was the only one to have any kills, since all the other boats cowardly fled.”
“Excellent story, sir.”
“You suck, Kerry!” a voice yelled from outside.
“Why are they so angry at me?” Kerry asked, “Is it because I tried to get their book Unfit for Command suppressed? Hey, I tried to get my own book The New Soldier suppressed, so I am even handed, right, Jeeves.”
“Certainly, sir.” Kerry’s butler looked out the window. “There seems to be some dog sniffing around outside, too.”
“I don’t care who they have with them. They just didn’t like my protesting after the war, but it was very principled!”
“Hey, you’re a fellow veteran!” Kerry exclaimed, “Can I see your medals for a moment.”
“Sure.”
Kerry then ran in front of some cameras. “This is what I think of the medals awarded to me!” he yelled as he chucked the medals over the wall.
“Those are my medals!”
“And this is what I think of my ribbons!”
“That’s my wallet, you bastard!”
Kerry walked to his window and yelled at the Swift Boat vets, “Don’t you know who I am!”
A brick flew through the window and hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground.
“I think they know who you are, sir,” Kerry’s butler replied, “That’s part of the problem.”
Kerry picked himself off the ground. “I don’t deserve this! I’m married to a billionaire! They’re just jealous because I got all the T.V. coverage.”
“I would just like to say that there were many war crimes,” Kerry told congress, “Soldiers were baby killers, even. Why we once came upon a town filled with nothing but babies and slaughtered them all!”
“Mr. Kerry,” said one of the congressmen, “could you please not get your hair styled while testifying to us?”
“But I want his hair to be fabulous!” exclaimed Kerry’s hairdresser.
“I just can’t believe these Swift Boat Veterans protesting me!” Kerry yelled, “I served in Vietnam! They can’t speak up against me, right, Jeeves?”
Jeeves didn’t answer, so Kerry looked towards him.
“You don’t have your butler uniform on properly, Jeeves. You need to fix that.”
The butler just stood there.
“And why are you down on all fours… and showing your teeth like that. You look angry.”
Kerry stared at him further.
“Very angry– AHH! I SERVED IN VIETNAM!”