“Sir, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have set the east wing of this house on fire,” John Kerry’s butler told him.
“Bah! It will take hours until it reaches here, Jeeves,” Kerry answered, “I wonder why they hate me so. I remember my years in Vietnam as a great experience. In fact, it’s seared – seared – in my memory.”
Kerry leaned back in his chair to reminisce.
“I thought we were going to patrol the beach,” John Kerry complained, “This jungle climate is a hazard on my skin.”
“This is where the enemy are,” answered one of his crewmates, “We need to hunt them down.”
“There are some chickens on the shore,” Kerry pointed out, “Let’s shoot them and say they were Vietnamese.”
“We can’t waste ammo! You replaced most of our supplies with skin and hair products.”
“I hate it here,” Kerry grumbled as he applied cherry flavored lip balm. “I can’t wait to get back to the states and marry a rich woman.” He handed the lip balm to one of his crewmates. “Hold this for me, Jimmy, while I check on the other boats.”
Suddenly there was an explosion as a mine hit one of the boats. “Ahh! Noise! Flee!” Kerry shouted as he took the helm, turned the boat around, and hit full throttle. One crewman fell off the boat in the ruckus.
“Jimmy is in the water!” a crewman yelled, “Since there isn’t even any enemy fire, we need to go back and get him!”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kerry answered, enraged, “I’m serving in Vietnam!” He then thought for a moment. “Wait. He had my lip balm!” Kerry quickly turned to boat around. He then ran over to the side of the boat and reached to pull Jimmy out of the water.
“You saved my life!” Jimmy exclaimed.
“Now where is my lip balm!”
“I… uh… dropped it.”
“Idiot! Don’t you know who I am?” Kerry lifted his hand to strike Jimmy, but then noticed something on his arm. “I’ve been wounded!”
“I don’t see anything.”
Kerry quickly covered it up. “I need to preserve it to get another purple heart!”
“I even wrote about that day in my diary, Jeeves.” Kerry opened his diary and read to his butler. “The Vietcong were firing on me from both sides of the river, and I took three bullets as I reached for Jim Rassman with one hand while firing back in the other, killing 32 Vietnamese. I was the only one to have any kills, since all the other boats cowardly fled.”
“Excellent story, sir.”
“You suck, Kerry!” a voice yelled from outside.
“Why are they so angry at me?” Kerry asked, “Is it because I tried to get their book Unfit for Command suppressed? Hey, I tried to get my own book The New Soldier suppressed, so I am even handed, right, Jeeves.”
“Certainly, sir.” Kerry’s butler looked out the window. “There seems to be some dog sniffing around outside, too.”
“I don’t care who they have with them. They just didn’t like my protesting after the war, but it was very principled!”
“Hey, you’re a fellow veteran!” Kerry exclaimed, “Can I see your medals for a moment.”
“Sure.”
Kerry then ran in front of some cameras. “This is what I think of the medals awarded to me!” he yelled as he chucked the medals over the wall.
“Those are my medals!”
“And this is what I think of my ribbons!”
“That’s my wallet, you bastard!”
Kerry walked to his window and yelled at the Swift Boat vets, “Don’t you know who I am!”
A brick flew through the window and hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground.
“I think they know who you are, sir,” Kerry’s butler replied, “That’s part of the problem.”
Kerry picked himself off the ground. “I don’t deserve this! I’m married to a billionaire! They’re just jealous because I got all the T.V. coverage.”
“I would just like to say that there were many war crimes,” Kerry told congress, “Soldiers were baby killers, even. Why we once came upon a town filled with nothing but babies and slaughtered them all!”
“Mr. Kerry,” said one of the congressmen, “could you please not get your hair styled while testifying to us?”
“But I want his hair to be fabulous!” exclaimed Kerry’s hairdresser.
“I just can’t believe these Swift Boat Veterans protesting me!” Kerry yelled, “I served in Vietnam! They can’t speak up against me, right, Jeeves?”
Jeeves didn’t answer, so Kerry looked towards him.
“You don’t have your butler uniform on properly, Jeeves. You need to fix that.”
The butler just stood there.
“And why are you down on all fours… and showing your teeth like that. You look angry.”
Kerry stared at him further.
“Very angry– AHH! I SERVED IN VIETNAM!”
This is pretty funny. I think you should e-mail it to John Kerry.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kerry answered, enraged, “I’m serving in Vietnam!”
Hahahaha
Chomps is the dog from the movie “Where the Buffalo Roam.” Hunter S. Thompson (played by Bill Murray) says to the dog, “NIXON!” and it goes for the crotch.
Damn, Frank, you are ON with this one 🙂
The “I’m Serving in Viet Nam” present tense is HILARIOUS Frank…you oughta get awards for this stuff (other than the ones you make up yourself i mean.) Maybe….um… (sounds of rusty gears turning) HEY! Wait a minute! YOU could write your OWN after action reports and submit them through channels for awards and then YOU, the great and honorable FrankJ, could RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!! I figured it out!
(What am i anyway….fifth?)
I’m in awe…and if I wasn’t at work, I’d really be able to laugh..
Frank, you bring an entirely new meaning to “Unmedicated.”
Frank would put me out of a job…
Who would need the Army after nuking the crap out of the moon? 😉
Oh, yeah, Frank, don’t forget to mention the Congressional Medal of Honor Kerry won that he got while he was in Cambodia, on a secret mission, so the citation is still classified and the records are sealed to be opened at the same time the John Kennedy autoposy reports become public in 2942, so he can’t let us see it…(but where did he throw away that medal?)
“And this is what I think of my ribbons!”
“That’s my wallet, you bastard!”
Ha ha ha… that cracked me up! Excellent job. I especially liked the reference to ‘getting my own book supressed.’ Har har har. Kerry’s got a lot of skeletons in his closet…
“I’m serving in Vietnam!”
ROFL
Apparently Chomps averted the deadly heartworms and is back on the job. Go Chomps!
Two Gold Medal Laughs
“And this is what I think of my ribbons!”
“That’s my wallet, you bastard!”
PLUS
“We can’t waste ammo! You replaced most of our supplies with skin and hair products.”
He’s BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Hurray!
The team-building activity was obviously good for Frank. His stuff is back to “top shelf quality”. Maybe we ought to take up a collection and send him and SK on a vac…..uh, I mean, team building seminar every month or so.
Those vac… uh… team building exercises do cost money considering the distance between the two of us.
You could meet in LA (lower Alabama). That’s about halfway I’d guess. I’d guess that there’s plenty of things for young people to do in Alabama.
Wait he had my lip balm!
That was definitely a gold medal laugh from me. Liberal bashing should be an olympic sport.
Ah, yes, nothing I like seeing more than Chomps give the ol’ Frenchurian Candidate a good ol chewin’.
Next is Edwards Hair – oh, maybe not, it might be considered a chemical weapon.
Better every time Frank.
You should make these into cartoons.
Sticky B!!! LA would put them in my neck of the woods…we could put them up (with our four children, dog, cat…uhhh, maybe not). But they could stay at the beach. Pretty sunsets, really romantic and stuff. Frank wouldn’t have to worry about getting cold, and SarahK could wear a bikini, (Frank definitely wouldn’t have to worry about being cold seeing that)
(Apologies to SarahK…but I would wear a bikini if I was still the PYT you are.)
at last, Chomps meets the Frenchurian. I think this account is probably more accurate than Kerry’s ‘official’ version (in his Brinkley biography, e.g.). the one line says it all; allow me to quote it again…”I’m Serving in Viet Nam!!!”
Good boy, Chomps, good boy (pats Chomps on head)
Frank, you should publish these, they are hilarious!
“We can’t waste ammo! You replaced most of our supplies with skin and hair products.”
“I need to preserve it to get another purple heart!”
ROTFL
I’m enraged! How did you get ahold of John Kerry’s personal diary? How dare you publish its contents! He better be getting his royalties. He’ll sue!
This is just another example of the vast right-wing conspiracy to discredit John F. Kerry by presenting him as he actually is. A person cannot be held accountable for the things they say and do, such an assertion is absurd.
Enough of this. Mr. Kerry’s yacht won’t polish itself.
Jeeves is really mrbigsack.
I clicked his name.
IMPOSTER!!