August 21st, 2004
Saturday
“S-s-so c-c-cold…”
We got up that freezing morning and packed up our tents. As we drove towards the trail, SarahK wouldn’t let me look out the window.
“I wanna see the, canyon!” I protested.
“You’ll see the canyon when I tell you to, goofy goof.”
When I finally got to see the Grand Canyon, it was at the North Rim Lodge. It had this glorious overlook of the canyon, and it was one of the most spectacular things I ever saw. I just stood there in awe. I had to take a picture… with us blocking the view.
SarahK Blocking View
Me Blocking View
We then headed for the beginning of the trail and packed our bags. SarahK wanted to make sure we had plenty of food as you should eat twice as much when hiking. She went a bit crazy, though, and filled the bags to capacity with food. She kept saying, “We need more Spam! Let’s take out your mattress so we can fit more Spam!”
“But I don’t like Spam!”
Soon we were loaded up and ready to go carrying 80 lb. packs with enough food to feed a small African nation for a year or Michael Moore for one hour.
Ready to Hike
The hike started out in a wooded area, circling downwards as we dodged donkey pee and poo from the wussy tour of people who couldn’t take hoofing it themselves. It got warm quickly, and I soon took the legs off my zip-off pants and rolled up my sleeves. The hiking was treacherous work, each step threatening to twist your ankle or send you falling into the canyon, but soon we got through the trees to see a spectacular view from the Coconino Overlook. I couldn’t believe it. It was the sort of the thing that changes your soul. To make sure I never forgot the glorious view, I took a picture of the sign.
Coconino Overlook Sign
I had to take pictures.
Me Taking Pictures from the Coconino Overlook
Even though she saw it before, SarahK enjoyed the view too.
SarahK Enjoying the View
As we traveled further into the canyon, it was just more glorious natural beauty atop more glorious natural beauty. It seemed to stretch on forever, and then you’d go around a corner and see another view that stretched out as far as the eye could see. I had to take pictures.
Me Taking Pictures
SarahK was compelled to take pictures, too.
SarahK Taking Pictures
Being more level headed from having been to the canyon before, SarahK reminded me that I needed to keep drinking.
SarahK Drinking
She told me that if I ever got to the point where I was thirsty, it was too late I was already as good as dead. We each had our bladders, and we had little baggies of fruit punch Gatorade powder so we could fill them with sweet sweet Gatorade at water stops.
SarahK’s Bladder
I Have a Bladder!
To also keep me from getting too exhausted, I made sure SarahK carried most of the stuff.
SarahK Loaded
Yah, pack mule! Yah!
Still, SarahK would get ahead of me.
SarahK Waiting
“Hey, I’m stopping to admire the view!” I would tell her, “It is so beautiful and I must take many pictures to show everyone.”
There were problems though: the wildlife. Near the top were cute little harmless chipmunks.
Hello Chipmunk
But, throughout the canyon, there were evil evil ground squirrels!
Evil Ground Squirrel
Sorry for that photo being blurry, but my hands were shaking in fright because they carry the plague (it’s true; check the last bullet of this official government link). Luckily, SarahK, with the help of jonag, provided me with Squirrel Away.
Squirrel Away Front
Squirrel Away Back
If you don’t want to squint to read that, here’s what it says:
FRONT
Squirrel Away
(c) 2004, SarahK Industries, Jonag, Arizona.
proven effective in 0.5% of cases, as attested to by
1 out of 5 dentists and 0 out of 5 SarahKs. For more information on the evils of ground squirrels and liberals, check out our website at www.ifyouseeagroundsquirrelyouregonnadie.us. Have a great day, and an easy plague death.
Directions: If you see a ground squirrel and can’t read the cautions above, you should perform the following, in order. Do not take the steps out of order, or you will die at the hands of Bullwinkle’s little friend.
1) Pretend you are on a hopscotch grid, and hop accordingly, but only hop the odd numbers.
2) Throw salt over your left shoulder while saying “N-A-C-L is C-O-O-L”. If you don’t have salt, fall on your own sword, as you have been defeated by the enemy ground squirrel and can only be honored by taking your own life.
3) Take off both of your shoes, ewwww, put some Odor Eaters in those things and put the shoes back on. If you have no Odor Eaters handy, a handful of red dirt is an adequate substitute.
4) Shake your can… not that can! This one! Shake it vigorously with both hands, then ask your hiking buddy to shake it too. If she refuses, you’re gonna die, sorry Frank.
5) Strip down to your boxers (and if you wear briefs, just give up, because only gross sissy boys wear briefs, and you can’t defend yourself against a ground squirrel in sissy boy shorts).
6) Whatever you do, DO NOT spray the contents of this can on yourself or the ground squirrel.
BACK
Caution: Ground squirrels are vicious and carry bubonic plague. If you get a ground squirrel on you, just give up, because you’re going to die. This spray will do you no good.
Caution #2: Do not feed ground squirrels in the Grand Canyon (if that is where you happen to be), because SarahK will report you to a Park Ranger, and you will be fined up to $5,000. If you see someone else feeding a ground squirrel in the Grand Canyon, report this person to a Park Ranger (unless the person is SarahK, then just look away and pretend you saw nothing). After reporting the lawbreaker to the Park Ranger, run and hide behind a big rock so you don’t get your pinky-toe kicked.
Caution #3: You may think you see a ground squirrel, but if it slithers instead of prancing, has scales instead of fur, and makes a sound like a baby rattle, back away slowly, because that, my friend, is no squirrel. It’s Lord Voldemort, and you’re gonna die unless a nice wizard boy comes to save you.
Caution #4: As wizards are afraid of heights, they don’t go anywhere near the Grand Canyon.
Caution #5: Guard your trail mix with your life. If a fast squirrel sneaks away with some of your trail mix, chase after it with a trekking pole (but only an official trekking pole, a branch broken off a nearby tree is not proper for chasing ground squirrels). When you get within striking distance of the squirrel, give up, because you’ve just chased a bubonic-plague carrier, and you’re going to die. Sorry about that.
I didn’t read any of the directions, though, and just sprayed it on the squirrel. Luckily, I had a voice recorder running so you can hear what happened.
Audio of Spraying the Squirrel
What SarahK was scared of was the dreaded asp, a poisonous caterpillar. Here is one next to my size 10 boot and white hairy leg so you can get a size comparison.
The Asp!
Ooh! So scary (not).
Also, SarahK would stop every so often, sniff the air, and say, “I smell cat pee. There must be a mountain lion nearby.”
And I’d be like, “Whatever, Wolverine.” (we weren’t even attacked by a mountain lion once).
Soon, we came to a bridge. What a great view from the bridge!
Me on the Bridge with the Great View
SarahK is scared of heights, so she crossed the bridge quickly… especially since I was shaking it.
SarahK Crossing the Bridge
“Quick, SarahK; the bridge is going to collapse!” Heh heh.
We then hiked along some cliffs with so many more gorgeous views.
Me Enjoying View from a Cliff
SarahK Likes the View Too
And then I saw a cactus!
A Cactus!
Also, quite expectedly, we cast shadows.
Us Casting Shadows
There were problems though, namely the death plants!
Death Plants
They have little spikes on their sides, but it’s the tip of the leaves that are the sharpest. They’re like little daggers. I still have a little owie worthy of a purple heart on my palm from when I accidentally touched one.
Another weird thing is what I named the death stalks.
Death Stalk
They had what looked like a death plant at the base, and then this huge stalk sticks out of it. Most were dead or dying, though. I wonder why?
I also saw a tree.
A Tree
And electric poles.
Electric Pole
The canyon needs to modernize its electrical system.
Later we came to a stream that terminated to a little puddle. The puddle was so small, I wondered how it could supply water for a stream, but it ended up that water was bubbling up from underneath it.
Bubble Puddle
Then I saw a lizard! A big one!
Big Lizard
I bet it was a gilla monster, and poisonous! That’s why it was so funny when I put it on SarahK’s neck.
Eventually, we made it to Cottonwood where we set up camp. SarahK was like, “I’m tired!”
And I said, “But we must journey to see the unseen!”
Thus we hiked more than a mile further to see Ribbon Falls, and then climbed a treacherous cliff face to get a better picture. It was so beautiful! (sorry, I don’t have a picture of me taking pictures of it)
Man, everything was so beautiful in the canyon. Even the sky!
Canyon Sky
Sorry that a bit of cliff marred that picture. I just wish you could see all I saw. It was a real life changing event.
At night, SarahK and I lay on a picnic table and watched the starry sky. We saw shooting stars and even satellites flying across the sky. One day, S.M.I.T.E. could be one of those satellites.
It was a little chilly, so I told SarahK. “You know, we could share a tent, take off our clothes, and…”
When I was knocked off the table, I landed right on a big snake. I may have crushed him, or he may have always been that flat.
I then went to bed, sure I’d be rested and not sore at all for the hike back up the cliffs tomorrow. What an easy day tomorrow would be.
The fool I was–
COMING SOON – ESCAPE FROM THE CANYON!
UPDATE: Here’s SarahK’s version.
Does this mean the newbie is the first one here? #1!!!!!!!!
You can’t go propositioning a girl if you haven’t even taken her out for dinner.
And new shoes.
Now for a real comment. Wow. I thought I was the only person that took pictures of clouds and the ground. My Husband laughs at me, but I love your pictures and look forward to seeing more in the “Coming Soon”.
Thanks for the credit on the “Squirrel Away”. Although I noticed Sarahk didn’t put in my line that read “If you happen to encounter a squirrel, the first thing you must do is cover your nuts.” I though it was funny. Oh well.
SarahK probably saw that line and went, “No no!”
Pfff. That’s not a real cactus. Real cacti are like 6 feet tall and have two arms making an almost French-like “we surrender” shape. I’ve seen lots of them in cartoons.
The lizard is pretty cool though – way bigger than our Florida lizards. Then again, our lizards are much more numerous. Hmmm … when the inevitable War of the Lizards comes, I wonder which species will win?
S
“You know, we could share a tent, take off our clothes, and…”
Frank, at times you’re a lecherous scumbag. Why don’t you just marry her and quit getting rejected like this?
P.S. I too have felt the sting of the evil Death Plants… congratulations on surviving.
Wow, thanks to your descriptions (and pictures) it’s just like being there, without the plaugue ridden squirrels.
One question though, after this date of a lifetime, how can you top it for the next one? My suggestion…Arby’s.
the Arby’s in Albequerque had free high speed internet!
Seriously man, chicks dig curly fries.
jonag, i forgot about your line (i sorry) until after i got back and was sifting through our old emails. i was sad for having left it out.
Are my eyes deceiving me, or do your clothes match in those “blocking view” pictures — yellow tops, green bottoms?
BTW, that was a lame cactus. Y’all need to visit us in SoCal and explore Joshua Tree to see more life-changing beauty and real cacti.
Matching bladders – must be love.
I was going to complain about your lack of pictures of actual scenery, but then I read Sarahk’s version and all those pictures looked the same. So instead I congratulate you for creativity.
Also, you’re a nut.
Frank and Sarah sitting in a tree,
H-I-K-ay-I-N-G….
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes global domination and a ba…
global domination?
Uh-oh.
Global domination.. can I be an Evil Henchman? Maybe even a Trusted Lieutenant?
You two are adorable! Finally got to see a picture of you together.. I feel like I’m reading a romance novel..Ahhhh..young love..
In the global domination scenario, can I be the Official Baking Wench, creating yummy morsels of truth and logic? Conversion via chocolate!
If Dave gets to be a henchman, can I be a Minion?
Frank, I’m sure there’s an explanation for this, but SaraK’s pack looks much larger than your. Is this just because she carried the rolled up foam sleep mattresses, fluffy pillows, and a supply of cotton candy – while you carried all of the food, water, and cast iron weight set (for your morning work-outs)?
“Frank, I’m sure there’s an explanation for this, but SaraK’s pack looks much larger than your.”
No, it’s one of those weird perspective distortion things that happens in the desert because of the heat rising off the ground….
Frank’s scary plant is, in fact, a bayonet yucca – got ’em all over my place. Fun to watch the skateboarders crash and impail themselves.
I am convinced you two eloped and this your honeymoon trip. Team Building my ass. LOL
Either way it looks like you guys had a lot of fun!
Hey I don’t get this.
She’s hot, she’s well-written, she’s intelligent and she’s hiking with Frank?
You fed her drugs, didn’t you…
Hi, my name is Frank and I dont know what to do with my arms.
Cmon Frank, uncross those arms and let us in.
Bloodspite, “Team Building my ass” is what happens in prison, not in the grand canyon
I dunno. I’m beginning if this whole trip wasn’t just a big hoax like the moon landing!
Frank J’s run-in with the squirrel reminded me of this:
http://joecartoon.atomfilms.shockwave.com/pages/gerbilgeno/
Frank, I got those same hiking shoes from costco.
I bought two pair.
Yours are in allot better shape though.
So I guess skydiving is out for SK?
Death plant= Aloe Vera
tree=mesquite
lizard= gila monster (I think)
You cad!!
About those pictures…has anybody ever told you you might have A.D.D?
It’s not an aloe vera plant. It’s a yucca plant. We had several in our yard when I was a child…I lived in mortal terror of one falling on me. And those spikes sting like the dikkens…I guess, since I don’t really know what dikkens are.
I’m thinkin you better watch your back on the squirrel thing.
Those little bastards are everywhere.
Pam,
Yes.
Sounds like a fun trip. And if both of you were actually trying for a little cuddling, make that “a VERY fun trip” 😉
Seriously though, this sounds like the sort of story that will become a family legend among your grandkids. Needless to say, I’m getting more than a little ahead of myself, but hell – everyone else is doing it, and it’s fun speculation. So get to it, I don’t want to be disappointed here and have to find another random person to live vicariously through.
Yucca. And boy do those suck you get stabbed (they’ve a mild poison, so the cut hurts like mad)
…and speaking of squirrels… http://cuagain.manilasites.com/discuss/msgReader$287
Ah hah, SarahK had the interesting pictures. 🙂 So wait a second, one observation no one has made yet…you both went hiking without at least a consealable .22 pistol? Please tell me I’m wrong.
Yucca? Around here we call them Agave or colloquially, Century Plants. Most definitely not an Aloe Vera though. The reason the ones with stalks appeared dead is that they were. After they bloom (put up the stalk) the main plant dies. Often smaller plants shoot up around the base to carry on the next generation. They’re called century plants because some people believe they grow for 100 years before blooming and dying. It’s actually only 20-30 years.
The lizard was not a Gila monster. They have blunt tails like a club. That fella had a pointy tail.
“The fool I was–”
BTW I know what is coming tomorrow. I have climbed out of that dad-blasted canyon twice now since I moved here. I really thought I would die before I got out, both times!
Canyons are so deceiving. The easy part comes first. Then you wake up the next day with hamstrings and calves frozen solid, realizing that despite the non-functional legs, you still have to climb OUT somehow.
Mountains are much kinder.
when I go walking in the woods around here I also carry the Tennessee version of “Squirril away”. Mine wieghs about 550 grains, travels at about 180 ft/s, and has a blount end with some wires around it (called a judo point). Squirrils go away when it hits them (bird, frogs, rabbits, and other small animals go away when it hits them also, for large animals it is known as “Piss off the bear”).
One year while hunting out of a tree stand a squirril decided I looked soo much like a tree it was going to jump on my leggs and climb me. Me frantically waving my arms around and shouting didn’t phase it (I guess trees here regularly do that or something). Since I had forgotten my squirril away that day I had to bean the squirril in the head with my razor blade tipped arrows (broadheads for shooting deer, the squirril was almost within arms length from me, I was in a forked tree). That worked but wasn’t quite as satisfying as normal squirril away.
I also once fell asleep waiting on my ride back to camp to eat lunch. Being in full camo on the ground it was quite difficult to see me and a squirril decided I was a likely place to bury a nut. Since it was gun season I couldn’t carry my normal squirril away or the gun powder propelled kind (Tennessee game law would have fined me for deer hunting with a small caliber bullett and I physically can not carry both the gun and bow into the woods). The squirril was only a few feet behind my head. I jumped up to my feet as quickly as possible. I swear the squirril sounded like a woman screaming as it shot up a tree into a hole – I have never heard one make that noise before or since. I guess if the ground erupted into a giant hulking form a few feet infront of me I would do the same.
You have a kelty backpack? What’s its volume? Looks like 4000 cubic inches to me. Mine’s got a good 5400.
That big lizard is a collared lizard, and from the looks of it, it was in the process of shedding its skin. They’re neat little guys.
haha, great stuff. I think Franks version is abit more true sounding than Sarahs. Especially the Squirrel Spray and all… haha
chase – his is either 36 or 3800. i can’t remember what mine is, but it’s at least twice what he carried.
dave – frank lies.
I have a Kelty backpack … it holds a child up to 40 lbs or so … but I guess that is for a later trip?
6709 How can this all be right? Check out my site http://www.pai-gow-keno.com