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Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
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"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

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Q. What is IMAO?
A. IMAO is a magical wonderland of humor. Blessed you are for having found it. The humor is mainly political, but funny trumps making any political point.

Q. I mean, what does it stand for?
A. Well, the 'I' is for "Team". The 'M' is for loves lost. The 'A' is... uh... I forget what the 'A' stands for, but it has to do with dingoes. The 'O' is simply ballast.

Q. Do you think you are the reincarnation of Chairman Mao?
A. I think lots of things.

Q. How much of this should I take seriously?
A. The purpose of IMAO is for humor, so don't take anything seriously... unless I happen to inadvertently say something wise. If that happens, praise your gods for having found my site.

Q. Why did I once come to your site and find a bunch of weird Korean stuff?
A. That's IMAO.com. This is IMAO.us.

Q. What is a muckadoo?
A. A muckadoo is a mindless follower of wacky liberal ideas (the yelling sign-wavers). The phrase comes from "Monkey see, monkey do." I hate monkeys.

Q. Why do you hate monkeys?
A. I can't believe you even have to ask me that! Monkeys are bad!

Q. Where do you live?
A. I live in Florida (FLOOR-EE-DUH) in the great United States of America.

Q. What's your job?
A. By day, I'm an electrical engineer, by night I am a vigilante crime fighter. In between, I blog.

Q. How old are you?
A. As of writing this (8/28/04) I am a quarter century.

Q. Where can I find pictures of you?
A. They're around. They're on my About Me page, in the Peace Gallery, and with every Editoral.

Q. You look twelve.
A. Shut up... and that's not a question.

Q. What are your political beliefs?
I'm an extremely partisan conservative Republican (hell, I'd vote for a retarded mule if it had an 'R' next to its name and promised to cut my taxes). If you want more specifics on some of my views, look here.

Q. Did you spread rumors that Glenn Reynolds blends puppies for energy drinks?
A. It's true! He is a puppy blender! I have many false memories about it!

Q. What is Frank Answers™?
Frank Answers™ is where I use my super smarts to answer questions of any kind sent in by readers. All answers are final.

Q. Do you make up questions?
All questions have been real questions sent in by readers... so far.

Q. What is Know Thy Enemy™?
Know Thy Enemy™ is where I send my crack research staff to find out all they can about a subject so my readers can be prepared. It's a public service I do gladly. No need to thank me.

Q. Who are your crack research staff?
They're... uh... researchers who are... uh... crack.

Q. Why do you always make fun of Aquaman?
Because he's Aquaman. Come on; his powers are being able to breathe underwater and talk to fish. That might make him a decent lifeguard, but superhero?

Q. Aquaman saved my father.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.

Q. How are you so funny?
My humor comes from a special drink I made by mixing anti-freeze, Drano, motor oil, and Shasta. I always feel extra funny after drinking that, and a hospital bed is a great place to focus on humor.

Q. What's the story behind your t-shirt babe?
I did some in-depth market research to find that men click on pictures of pretty women, so I had a contest for t-shirt babe. SarahK won and is the bestest t-shirt babe ever.

Q. What is your funniest post?
Opinions may differ, but probably a plurality think it's this one.

Q. What's with the random quotes?
The random quotes are a way for me to get mileage out of older posts that new readers may not have seen. I've been going through my archives in order and adding to the quotes, but I'm quite behind. Thus the quotes are over a year lag (the quotes are from posts over a year old). If you want my random quotes on your webpage, add this line to your html:
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://imao.us/docs/quotes.txt"></script>

In My World™ Questions

Q. What are the In My World™ posts?
A. The In My World™ posts are basically Bush administration fan fiction. They started as parodies of newspaper reports on press conferences, but I eventually gave up that format and made them full short stories. I just go by all the stereotypes of the different politicians, so they have sometimes been mistaken for Bush or Rumsfeld bashing.

Q. Who is Chomps?
A. Chomps is a rottweiler who is rated by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Angriest Dog" and is diagnosed with a severe anti-social personality disorder. There seems to be an intelligence to his constant anger, though. He was adopted by Donald Rumsfeld, the world's angriest Secretary of Defense, soon after his first appearance. I've lost count of how many times he's savagely attacked Michael Moore.

Q. Who is Buck the Marine?
A. Buck the Marine is just your average Marine in that his job and his favorite hobby is killing for'ners. He often gets picked to do a little too much by himself, but he takes it in stride. First appearance is here. If you look around, he has also written a couple editorials for me.

Q. Who is Zatoichi?
Zatoichi is a blind samurai I blatantly stole from old Japanese movies of the same name. He works as a Secret Service Agent for Bush (he had to hire either a woman or someone who is handicapped). I recommend watching the old Zatoichi movies which are now on DVD (there is a new one made recently with a different actor, but I haven't seen it yet). Zatoichi's first appearance is here.

Q. Who is Melinda Hawkish?
Melinda Hawkish is one of the many attractive, blond FOX News reporters. Some might say she has a right-leaning bias.

Q. Who/what is the "Rumsfeld Strangler"?
A. A mysterious serial killed whom D.C. police have never caught up with yet. First appearance is at the end of this post, and he keeps popping up every now and then.

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