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September 19, 2008
Site Move Update
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:33 AM

I've gotten a chance to look at the new layout, and I think you will all be pleased. Here's a screencap for those of you who just can't wait to see it . . .

Rating: 2.3/5 (56 votes cast)

Comments (25)
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September 02, 2008
Ay yi yi . . . jottings from the RNC
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:03 AM

Is it over yet? I work a couple blocks from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul and am a police reserve officer as well, so I have a few thoughts on this whole brouhaha.

First, why St. Paul? I love the Twin Cities--I've been here for almost 15 years, and would never move anywhere else (unless I win the lottery, in which case I'll be buying a condo on Santa Monica beach), but it is not by any stretch of the imagination an appropriate place for a convention. There is nothing to do here that would be of the remotest interst to people from around the country. The geography is boring, there are no landmarks to speak of, and there is little to do here. Sure, you can go out to the Mall of America, but, truth be told, it is simply a really, really, big mall. You can also go to the Guthrie Theater, but there are lots of comparable theaters all over the country. If I was FORCED to have it here, I would have it in Minneapolis, NOT St. Paul. Downtown St. Paul is shabby (I work there), and there are hardly any good restaurants to speak of. Most major businesses have moved over to Minneapolis. We have a skyway in both cities, and, while the Minneapolis one is largely thriving, the one in St. Paul is run down and and dying. Practically every other spot for a business is empty down here. Or at least it was. Interestingly, all these long deserted spots have been filled with temporary businesses. I'm not entirely sure if that is to take advantage of the increased foot traffic (which I'm not sure there really is any--there don't appear to be anymore people down there than there would be for a playoff sporting event), or whether St. Paul is trying to give the illusion that it isn't a backwater, dying midwestern city. I wouldn't be surprised if delegates and news personalities were abandoning the event for "hurricane" Gustav, simply because they don't want to waste a week in this ho-dunk place.

Second, speaking of farts in a hurricane, I can't believe how politicians fell over themselves to scale back events here and rush to the gulf coast for that non-event. It always amuses me how they fall over themselves to please people who will never vote for them anyway. I can see making preparations to cancel events if things go badly, but preemptively shooting oneself in the foot has become the GOP's favorite pasttime as of late.

Third, I worked several police reserve events this weekend, and there is almost no excitement in the air. The only thing people seem to be interested in, is how many smelly hippies get tear-gased. Maybe things will heat up this week. The majority of city council members in both cities are anti-police, so the cops are doing their best to keep order while be undermined by civic leaders who hate Republicans and both law enforcement and the enforcement of laws.

Fourth, Sarah Palin . . . yikes. This chick's middle name must be Samsonite, because she is carrying some heavy baggage. Hmmmmm . . . let's see -- she's from a far-removed state, has zero experience (even less than Obama if one can believe that!), and her family is a mess. She should gracefully bow out, go home to focus on getting some experience and spending time with her young baby. She might also do well to swing by the Safeway to pick up some cucumbers and a box of condoms and have a long talk with her kids. What's the point of preaching abstinence to your kids if you're not going to keep a close enough eye to assist them in managing those raging hormones? One might think that being from Minnesota this is just sour-grapes, but I think Tim Pawlenty would have been a lousy choice for VP. I've heard him speak a number of times, and he comes off as an empty suit (though his wife is wonderful). Don't even get me started on his "no new taxes pledge," and then imposing a tobacco tax that he described as a "fee" to save face. Don't pee on my shoe and tell me it's raining. Also, I think he would have been chewed up and spit out by Slow Joe, as I suspect Palin will be. What's wrong with Condeleeza Rice, or any number of other people that might actually have the experience to be President today, or next month? Does anyone really believe that if McCain is elected and drops dead in February that Palin is ready to be leader of the free world?

I'll walk around later and get some pictures up, though there's not much to look at.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (27)
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August 27, 2008
Just So We're Clear on Cows
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM

Got this e-mail with the subject "'frank answers' tried to post this as an answer":

That's an outright lie. The reason why we have so many cows is because many stupid people insist on using cows for dairy...which requires constant impregnation for "our" own selfish, unnecessary, and unhealthy dairy consumption.

I love basically all animals regardless of whether man has made use of them for his own selfish purposes or not. I've raised chickens as a vegetarian and given the means, I would do so again in a heart beat. Cattle seem even more intelligent than fowl, IMO.

No idea what post that's in response to, but I think it stands by itself.

Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (38)
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Dangerous People
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 AM

Got a pro-Obama comment from one of the Michelle Obama "America is mean" crowd posting under the name Essence:

You are all idiots, no offense. Oh wait, except for Son of Bob. I do agree that Obama is no Jesus, especially since I don't believe in Jesus either. However, him and his wife are extremely intelligent and compassionate people--unlike the majority of Americans. And the thing I personally think Obama should not only be allowed to stay alive for but also to govern our country for is his sense of community. I'm sorry but the self driven independence in this country makes me want to hurl. No one wants to help anyone anymore. In fact, they rather do harm to other people if it means furthering their own happiness. Thank GOD Obama wants to bring us together and have us work with each other again. Any asshole who can't see what he's trying to help us do needs to do some more researching. Oh, and because of what he's trying to do, this man will inevitably be assassinated. All the great ones are. :(

This was in response to a post where I said both people who want to vote for or assassinate Obama have incoherent, substance-free reasoning. She basically just took her wacky skewed view of America and projected all of her beliefs onto Obama... with no evidence backing any of it. Someone who convinced himself he should assassinate Obama would follow the same process, just projecting everything they fear onto the empty vessel that is the inexperienced but quite average liberal politician Barry O.

And that's why people who want to vote for/assassinate Obama are dangerous, mentally unstable zealots who should be locked up.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21)
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May 23, 2008
Reject and Renounce
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM

I got some more hate mail... this time from someone famous:

Dear IMAO,

I would like to formally reject and renounce your endorsement. I know you haven't yet endorsed me, but you're spineless and I figure it's coming. Well don't bother. Your site is weird and you're weird and we don't want the media drawing any connection between you and me. And what's with your "Random Thoughts"? I'm almost convinced you're mentally retarded.

So, I don't want you and I don't need you. You still are free to participate in my "Just Shut Up and Vote for Me" program I have for conservatives, though.

Sincerely,
Senator John McCain

I'm guessing John Hawkins got a similar letter. So do you think I'll get invited to the next blogger conference call at least?

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (31)
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May 02, 2008
Maybe I Should Institute an IQ Test Before Allowing Comments
Posted by Frank J. at 04:42 PM

I got this comment today from a "Billy_jane":

You Mr. FRANK!!!!!!!!! Seem to have nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo life whatsoever. I can truthfully tell you that while some of your facts are funny, most of them are STUPID and completely becoming of a 40 year old virgin who still enjoys momma's homecooked meatloaf. Take that asswipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

It was to this fairly innocuous post about the guy who regrew a finger. I don't even know what to say to this. I hope it was someone trying to sound retarded. If he's just randomly angry like this, he should seek help or write diaries at the Daily Kos.

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (27)
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April 25, 2008
Really?
Posted by Frank J at 02:00 PM

I got this comment from someone called "Truthteller" to my post Barack Obama Rumors:

I expected intelligence from the title of this post. That was disappointing. Man, you're an idiot.

Really? You were just searching around the internet, found a post entitled "Barack Obama Rumors," and thought to yourself, "Man! That's going to be a thought provoking post. Just look at that title! How could it be anything other?"

Maybe you're the stupid one. Just something to think about.

UPDATE:

Whoops. This was me, Frank J., who posted, but I accidentally used SarahK's login. There's no easy way to change author, so I'll just leave it.

So how's your day been?


UPDATE 2:
This is me, Spacemonkey, who knows the easy way to change authors. So I did.

And my day has been fine.

UPDATE 3:

It's me, Frank J. again. How did Spacemonkey do that? I don't see any option in MT. I guess you could edit the entry in the SQL database, though...

I probably should e-mail him than ask here. Whatever.

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26)
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April 24, 2008
People Who Don't Like Me Assume I Have Magical Mind-Reading Powers
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM

You don't know how many times I get angry hate mail where I have no idea what the person is talking about. Obviously, some person looking for porn accidentally stumbled onto an old post and then sends me an e-mail ranting about it but not telling what post made the person angry as he apparently assumes I'll psychically know what the hell he is talking about.

Here's an e-mail I got today (usual rules on profanity in hate mail apply):

SUBJECT: screw you ronin

Uh, I don't know who you are or where you are from, but screw you if you want to make fun of us. We are not all hillbilly's. We don't mind the river flooding, I'd rather it flood then be stuck in a damn earthquake and fall into the earth in Cali! We do get personalized license plates and I think we can spell better than you ronin. Yes we do have all our teeth and not more than we should ronin. You have really offended me and this state, if I ever catch you around here you will see what a redneck can happily do to you, you stupid piece of eight! I know you are probably one of those "I don't give a banana hammock who I offend people", but let me tell you brother, you are going to burn in hell for talking about people like that. Have a nice day idiot.

From context, I'm guessing he read one of Harvey's "Fun Facts About the 50 States" posts (they're under Fun Trivia as I apparently wasn't smart enough to make a separate category for them), but not only does he not tell me what post he's reacting to, he doesn't even give me a clue of what state I need to stay out of to avoid being beaten by rednecks. How do people this stupid even get on the internet? I e-mailed for clarification -- as I do every time this sort of thing happens -- but if history is any indication, I shouldn't expect a response.

UPDATE:

I googled some of things mentioned in the e-mail and my best guess is he's from Mississippi and reacting to this post by Harvey. Someone takes his state a little too seriously.

When did Mississippi get the internet?

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
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February 13, 2008
LOL? Doubtful
Posted by Frank J. at 04:16 PM

IMAO has had a lot more trolls lately, but I have really done much with them. I thought I'd point one out because I found it both interesting and entertaining. This is from "jugger" to my editorial yesterday about punching hippies:

lol, punching those conservatives is fun, try it today damn those conservative hippies, and most know exactly why you do it and help to crush them...uh huh, living with conservative extremeists is bad for your health, punch one today, LMAO

I've noticed this with particularly stupid drive by trolls (usually late to the party) is the overuse of "LOL" and its variations -- usually directed at what they themselves are saying. Why do I get the feeling that those trying to convince us so hard they are "laughing out loud" are probably seething in primitive anger? Trolling is actually an expression of anger -- an impotent lashing out at opinions the troll disagrees with -- so its hard to buy that one of them is laughing while writing. Well... I could see one nervously twittering while writing something like that. What the abbreviation for nervously twittering out loud?

Rating: 1.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (61)
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February 05, 2008
Fun Trivia
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:55 PM

Who won Super Tuesday?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (25)
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January 28, 2008
Thought of the Day
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:55 PM

You'll always be happy as long as you can still enjoy the simple things in life -- such as wearing a warm poncho straight out of the dryer on a cold day. I bought the poncho so I could dramatically sweep it over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. Now the poncho is just something I throw on on a cold morning when I'm too lazy to get dressed and want to lounge around reading the nets. I guess that means that instead of being a pajama-wearing blogger, I'm a poncho blogger... which is way cooler.

[Not advisable.]

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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January 15, 2008
Where's the Thompson campaign?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:53 PM

I'll give you some hints: Its not in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan or apparently anywhere else delegates are being chosen
wheresthomp.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (63)
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January 11, 2008
Broken News: Aquaman endorses Fred Thompson
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:02 PM

ATLANTIS (AP) - As noted by Frank J. this morning, Aquaman has announced his endorsement of Presidential candidate Fred Thompson.

Speaking at a press conference from his mother's bathtub, Aquaman proclaimed "Who better than I, a fictional character, to endorse a fictional candidacy."
aquamanfj.jpg

Aquaman's first order of business as a Thompson supporter was to telepathically enlist the aid of the official fish of the Thompson campaign: the flounder.
LBF_Gulf_Flounderasdf.jpg

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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January 07, 2008
On to Montana
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:05 PM

Fred Thompson is heading to Montana to make his stand:
scrwdthomp.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (21)
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September 13, 2007
People Respond to Whether the U.S. Military Should Kill Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 04:49 PM

Many people liked my editorial yesterday called "I Think the U.S. Military Should Kill Terrorists (Redstate even had it on the front page), but some people didn't like it.

I will respond!

* * * *

Mirror writes:

INSPIRING!! So I guess you'll be down at the recruiting office this afternoon to sign up, then. But why did you wait so long?

Did you even read the article? It wasn't called "I Think Frank J. Should Kill the Terrorists." You are very stupid if you couldn't understand the point of such a simply argued editorial. You should check that the toys you put in your mouth don't have lead paint from China.

* * * *

SplendidOne write:

I don't think it our government's job to kill anyone who is not actively involved in planning, and has the real-time potential to conduct, or is actively involved in conducting terrorist activities against the United States.

You already lost me. You need to write in short clear sentences like me.

Even with real terrorists, the job isn't to kill them it's to protect us from them. Killing is one way to do that; it's not the only way. And killing them seems to be messy, in that lots of innocents also get killed. (FYI, "brown skinned people who aren't Christians" is not a definition of "terrorist.")

Obviously you don't have the new edition of Websters.

Funny how the our oh-so-effective military can't seem to get the number one terrorist - Osama bin Laden.

So we should get rid of the military because they haven't killed one particular terrorist out of a million? You're stupid.

If you aren't going to volunteer, get trained, and go out and kill terrorists while in the military, how about contracting with the Bush administration to get Osama for us?

I think you're sucking on the same toys as Mirror.

I bet that one individual, even starting out untrained, given, say $50M and unlimited spending authority on it, could find and kill bin Laden within a year.

I bet you're retarded. I literally bet a thousand dollars on that.

Oh, wait, I forgot, Osama's "not important" anymore. :)

Lead poisoning can affect memory.

* * * *

Steveo writes:

I have an idea!

We should give soldiers police authority! That way, when they aren't at war, we could have hundreds of thousands of extra policemen all around the country. The military should be in charge of police. After all, they're trained in just what police officers do everyday: handle weapons and kill criminals. Crime would be way down, for sure.

Makes sense, doesn't it??

Are all the criminals in the U.S. actively plotting to kill us right now? If so, then you have a point. Otherwise, you are retarded.

Ever notice how people who comment here to disagree with me tend to be retarded?

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (31)
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March 14, 2007
Happy Pi Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:22 PM


Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
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December 11, 2006
Dumb People Approach with Caution
Posted by Frank J. at 04:11 PM

Suddenly a bunch of the monkey-faced have found this post and are putting their hyperventilating stupidity into an ASCII text representation. Apparently they didn't get it was a joke, though the only way to make it more obvious I was joking would be to write "I'm joking" every other sentence.

I'm not going to do that.

I need some sort of way to screen angry stupid people and keep them off this beloved interweb site. Maybe I could just place shiny things on the sidebar to distract them...

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
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December 08, 2006
Get Frank's book free!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM

Well, actually not directly anyway. I didn't know about this before today:

Nearly a year ago, The Motley Fool published an article titled "You're still paying for the Spanish-American War," which noted that, bizarre though it may be, we've all been socked on each phone bill with an excise tax that went into effect long ago to pay for the Spanish-American War. Well, sometimes our friends in Washington do something right. The tax has indeed finally come to an end, and we're even being offered refunds.

The money is out there for you -- you just have to jump through a few hoops in order to get it.

Here are a few things to know, courtesy of Dick Hansen at refundphonetax.com and also from the Internal Revenue Service:

You are to claim the refund on the 2006 tax form that you file in 2007.

You can opt for a standard refund of $30 (if you have one exemption), $40 (if you have two), $50 (if you have three) or $60 (if you have more). This option requires no documentation from you.

If you have (or want to go through the trouble of procuring) your telephone bill statements from March 2003 to July 2006, you can get a refund based on amounts you were actually charged. In most cases, this can amount to a lot more than the standard refund -- perhaps as much as $100 to $300 for many of us. You'll need to fill out IRS Form 8913 for this.

If this is the first time you've heard of this, you're morally obligated to use a portion of the refund to buy one, two, maybe even three, copies of Frank's book. I would recommend you buy a copy with your own money, but I haven't read it because Frank hasn't sent me a gratis copy yet--cheap S.O.B.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
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November 12, 2006
I for one, welcome our new Democratic overlords, and the wealth of comedic material they will provide us in the next two years!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:30 PM

dontstopthinkinabouttomorro.jpg

Oh, also, starting Monday, the posts will be placed in the sidebars, to make room for more ads. Thanks for your patronage!

P.S. Oh, yeah, they will be in the right sidebar, because there won't be enough room on the left because that space is already dedicated to . . . ads.

P.P.S. You know, on second throught, we should probably use the right sidebar for ads too. Starting Monday, the posts will be in the bottom footer.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20)
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August 07, 2006
Are You Threatening Me?!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM

Look at this e-mail I got:

Hi,

We mailed you several times, but you didn't bother to reply.
Please note that there is a spam post in your following pages mentioning our site.

http://www.imao.us/archives/002322.html
http://www.imao.us/cgi-bin/deaconman.cgi?entry_id=2322

Please delete the entire comment, otherwise we will have to take legal steps against you.

Regards,
Webmaster, [link]

So I search my e-mails and find one other from them:

Hi,

We, at [link], contacted you many times regarding our link to our website, but got no reply from your end.

Please note that we found a spam posting in your following page where our site's link has been given:

http://www.imao.us/archives/002322.html

Some 'Nick Jonson' did the posting, please check and delete it at the earliest. Sometimes we surprise how you are continuing with such spam posts for somany days!

Please delete the post, please don't provoke us to take any legal steps.

Awaiting for your earliest action.

Regards,
Webmaster, [link]

Wha?! Legal action against what? Some guy was spamming my comments - apparently on their behalf - and they're going to sue me under... what statute? Sue me for having a link to them that I didn't even write? What the hell is this?

I mean, I could delete it, but I demand to be asked nicely. It's not like I like spam, but, as soon as it hits my website, it's my spam, and I can do with it as I please.

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19)
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August 06, 2006
Frank J. Doctoring Photos from Disney World?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 AM

OK, now things are getting weird.

Frank J.'s Disney World photograph shows blatant evidence of manipulation. Notice the repeating patterns in the smoke; this is almost certainly caused by using the Photoshop “clone” tool to add more smoke to the image. (Hat tip: LGF.)

It’s so incredibly obvious, it reminds me of the faked CBS memos. Smoke simply does not contain repeating symmetrical patterns like this, and you can see the repetition in both plumes of smoke. There’s really no question about it.

But it’s not only the plumes of smoke that were “enhanced.” There are also cloned buildings. (See below.)

frauddisnbom.gif

Verdict: obvious fraud.

UPDATE at 8/6/06 12:11:am:

IMPORTANT!

The original for this faked photo has been discovered. And it was taken on July 26, 2006. (Hat tip: Spacemonkey, who took the picture on a night out on the town with Frank J.)

disney_bombed33.jpg

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
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May 25, 2006
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM

Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here's a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won't be another like The Limey. Also, I've came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.

Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I'm no troll expert - IMAO doesn't get as many trolls as the serious political sites - but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here's the main rule:

NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.

Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll's postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention - that's all. It doesn't matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes - he could say 2+2=5 - they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can't reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.

DON'T GET ANGRY.

If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It's just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don't detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.

So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it's for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you'll be less likely to get frustrated.

Anyway, remember the two rules: you're not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, "Tsst!" The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you'll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here's an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:

Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)

It's not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:

Dopegirl Response (language warning)

Much calmer, and that's all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That's what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.

"There's no Fascist McFascist!"

He still makes me smile.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

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April 25, 2006
'Tarded Leftard
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 PM

Some leftard called me a rightard, but he's the one that's 'tarded because he can't even undertand simple humor (due to his 'tardedness). I hate it people are so 'tarded they don't even know how freakingly 'tarded they are. It just makes me shout, "'TARDS!"

Ya know?

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

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April 24, 2006
Jonah Goldberg Wants Me Dead!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:33 PM

I saw this post over in the corner, so I sent Jonah Goldberg a simple e-mail stating that I don't want to be shot either. Here's his reply:

well, if **one** of us has to be shot, you know how i'm voting...

It's true! He wants me shot dead! We've known for a while that Jonah wants me out of the way so I won't be able to steal his job, but he's a fool if he thinks I, Frank J., can be intimidated so easily!

But, if I do get shot, make sure to tell the police it was Jonah Goldberg. The truth must get out.

Rating: 1.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 12, 2006
taming cerberus . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 PM

cerberus.jpg

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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March 28, 2006
You Trailer Trash Hitler Hicks!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 PM

Found this comment to my short post on illegal immigrants from "wiseguy":

all you posters are just some low life trailer trash hicks and are a poor excuse for human beings. reminds me of germans that rallied for hitler. maybe trying to combine your carrot brains and buying a history book might actually open your diluted eyes.

Apparently, if you read the history books, the Nazi's taking over Germany came about from anger over their trailer park getting hit with a tornado and the government's inability to do anything about it. Naturally, the Jews were blamed.

Without trolls, how would we learn anything?

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 21, 2006
I Need to Listen More to the Voices in My Head
Posted by Frank J. at 04:46 PM

A kat wrote this comment to today's post War Within Reason:

you are an idiot. you only listen to what people tell you, (but of course only if you want to be in "their club") do some independent research

"you only listen to what people tell you" - that's an interesting insult. Maybe I should do more spying - listening to what people tell others - but isn't that what got Bush in trouble?

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 14, 2006
The Mind Boggles
Posted by sarahk at 01:39 PM

IT'S GOOD LAIR AND HARVEY DON'T LIVE TOGETHER, OR THEY'D HAVE THIS PROBLEM TOO: Obviously, that's Frank who got the hate mail. He must have started the post at home on the laptop when he was dogsitting.

I just got this comment from a "Mary Jane" to my Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ post, and I'd almost have to think it's a joke:

ii think this site is very harable and you are some idots!!!!

If this was a serious hate comment, how did this person even operate the computer to find this site?

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

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February 22, 2006
But are there pedicures in Iraq?
Posted by sarahk at 07:09 AM

Jim Tarver, who missed the social studies class about communism, writes... (edited for language)

Why don't you pinkos go and fight the wars? Because you're pinkos. You f@g war whimps need to get over the thought that poor kids can fight your battles for you. So, pick your sorry pinkytoes up and go fight the wars if you want. Just leave the rest of us to live our lives in peace.

You're totally right, Jim. You've really turned me around here.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

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February 16, 2006
So You Didn't Laugh When Cheney Hit a Kid in the Head with a Kitten?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM

I wrote a nice little post about how everyone loves IMAO (I even got an e-mail from a liberal today who enjoys IMAO), but then I found this comment (edited for language):

This website SUCKS!!! What a bunch of sick ronin you all are. I HATE neo-cons! Your gun worshipping is revolting. Go blow away each other in your self-righteousness. Keep a handgun with you at all times! Shoot first and ask questions later, just like dick(head) cheney did while quail hunting! Go blow up the rest of the world, go nuke them to prove how "bad ass" you really are. Yee-haw! Then kill all the liberals, kill all the socialists, kill all the Europeans (because they aren't into "intelligent design" and still prefer science (you know--the science that brought you the internet...your PC...you Mac...your chemo-therapy if you ever had cancer...etc). I just don't get you people. I think you are ruining my country. There is SERIOUS division in this country now. I think it will only get much worse in the years to come.

I'd respond to the substance of this comment, but IT'S ALL TOTALLY TRUE!

Still, this person seems unhappy. People should be happy. You, Mr. Liberal, need to be more happy. Find a grassy field on a sunny day and spend the afternoon chasing butterflies. After that, you come back and comment again. I'm sure your comment will be much more happy and make us all happy too. Then the circle of happiness goes on!

Remember, ronin, many liberals out there are just in need of a hug, so go hug them and make them happy.

IMAO accepts no responsibility for hug related mishaps. Anyone who takes advice from Frank J. is doing so at his own risk and against the advice of about any lawyer.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

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February 14, 2006
Another Great Represenative of Islam
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM

My post on how to draw Mohammed seemed to gain the ire of a Muslim... or at least I think so. The comment is kinda hard to understand, but you can see for yourself:

(CAUTION: Contains coarse language and poor grammar and spelling)

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

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December 07, 2005
you make the call!
Posted by Guest Blogger Damian G. at 07:35 PM

05FrankExitingTheCarSzs.jpg







You make the call!
Full, though messy, head of hair.
Worst toupee you've ever seen.


  

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

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July 04, 2005
bummer of a weekend . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:49 PM

oops.jpg

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

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June 08, 2005
Can Young Brian Find the Joke?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM

I got some hate mail yesterday from one Brian who was unable to find the joke. I responded politely, and then he came back at me with this:

> LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?
>
>

I guess it's all the tough guy posturing with a gun. That coupled with your scrawny frame looks like a classic wimp complex. I could be wrong but, I doubt it.

>If anything at IMAO does not meet your standards, you can send it back for
>a full refund

Ok, you owe me seven minutes of dsl time.

Brian

Now we're getting off topic. I tried a little harder to be helpful this time:

Thank you for your frankness, but I assure you I have an "efficiently compact" frame, and not a "scrawny" one. Anyway, not to sound homophobic, but this focus on my body by another guy is creeping me out a bit.

As for the gun posturing, it is natural to posture when one has guns. If it frightens you, I assure you that statistics show that one is more likely to be stuck by lightning than shot by me (of course, the probably of both of those rise significantly if you live in Florida).

As for owing you for seven minutes of DSL time, I assume you are kidding. The issue of finding the joke as was the focus of your previous e-mail must be of great concern to you to take the time to write me an e-mail. Of more concern is the value of my time, but I still don't charge for responding to e-mails and always like to help one in need. I gather from these two e-mails that you are probably about eleven years old, not given much attention from your parents, and looking for a father figure (I could be wrong, but I doubt it). While I can't be that father figure you desperately need, young Brian (understand, I have a busy schedule), I can help you find the joke you seek.

I must ask some questions to find where you went awry. Where did you look for the joke? We're you of full cognitive facilities when you looked (i.e., not under the influence of drugs)? Most importantly, when you were looking for the joke, was your head inside or outside of your own ass?

I know you can find the joke, young Brian. Just keep reaching for that rainbow.

Cordially,
Frank J.
http://imao.us

He's already answered with a much longer e-mail, really trying to get under my skin this time. It's funnier when they try. We'll try to see how long Brian can give us free amusement.

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

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June 07, 2005
Me as a Kid Could Beat Up You as a Kid
Posted by Frank J. at 03:08 PM

So here I am, minding my own business, and I get this e-mail:

Umm... I'm just wondering.. when does the funny start?

Or... am I missing a joke somewhere?

Brian.

P.S. You got beat up a lot as a kid didn't you?

I've grown a lot in popularity since I started blogging, but the hate mail has failed to match it. That's actually the best I've gotten in months. Did what I could to work with it and responded thusly:

LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?

IMAO stands by its near three year history of humor excellence. If anything at IMAO does not meet your standards, you can send it back for a full refund (except for t-shirts).

Good day and better luck on finding the joke.

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

Beaten up as a kid? You’re talking to Frank J., here. Like I'd put up with such rubbish at any age. As my father always told me when I was young:

"If another kid hits you, hit him back. Or, if someone looks at you funny, hit him. Plus, if you're bored, might as well hit somebody. Also, if some kid bothers you while you're in the middle of watching a football game, hit him just like I'm about to hit you."

UPDATE: He's already responded. No reference to lyrics from Rage Against the Machine, but I'll do my best to work my magic on it.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

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April 21, 2005
sic semper tyranus
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:54 PM

Guest Blogger Kelly here. I had some ideas to improve on previous posts, so the egalitarian imao.us crew gave me the chance to do so. We the people have spoken! Now, eat of the fruits of my labors . . .

Read More...


Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

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let your voice be heard . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:00 AM

Those of you who read sarahk's website (all fifteen of you :D ) know that FrankJ recently purchased a decked out karaoke machine that has recording capabilities. He's already cut half a dozen gems, including a kick ass cover of Free Bird that has to be heard to be believed. He's asked that I design an album cover so that he can sell a CD in the imao.us store. I'm having trouble narrowing the field down--which one do you like best? . . .

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

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December 03, 2004
Eating Habits of the Ghetto Follow Up
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM

Now here is why hate mail is funny. It's like the guy is charging me full force, but then I end up being this big unmovable oak tree that they smack right into. Seeing people running into things is funny. Most, after doing so, get back up and reassess the situation, but what was unique about The Limey was that he instantly ran full force into the tree a second time... and a third... and a fourth...

Well, Mikey, after his initial e-mail, seems to be like the former and has calmed down (swearing edited once again for The Children™):

Hey, man. Nothing personal, I'm just a bored person tryin to get somebody's goat, and I respect that you can have a sense of humor at the fact that you don't give a wicky-wacky woozle about anybody but yourself. That's your deal not mine. I stumbled upon your website after a google search of monkeys (dont ask me why) and seen your monkey picture, which was funny. But anyways. I'll raise my glass of bargain brand to you and your coors (anti semetic brewing company, mind you) and let you continue to think that the news speaks the truth and that President Bush does give a woozle about anybody. It is my opinion (lets not fling "facts" around here, because neither of us will see them as that) that this was is not against terrorists, but rather against a foriegn body that had something we wanted (oil, i.e. money). Iraq never had any ties to 9-11, so this has nothing to do with terrorism. T! he terrorists are all over the place, so we have as much right to bomb the flippy-doo out of any country as much as we did Iraq. Since Iraq is an arab country, it doesnt hurt the conscience of our leaders to kill civilians, because they are of another complexion, not to mention the fact that the majority of them are muslim (another aspect of this unHoly War). But snicker-doodle all this, I could spit the legitimate and rational reasons against this was to you for hours, it would never change your mind, just the same as you could put me on to the Fox news and I would still see through it. It isn't me that would change your mind. Maybe if you were over in Iraq, or I was over in Iraq, but as far as I can tell, neither of us is. Maybe I'll twiddle my thumbs, and stop questioning our governments motives, because i want to be a patriot, and we all know that patriots arent supposed to think for themselves. Have a good one, dude.

Of course, there were some swipes at me there and it is filled with enough logical holes that you could use it strain spaghetti, but it's not funny enough to respond to again. When will there be another Limey? When will someone once again, get up, dust himself off, and charge face first into a tree again?

Such people are rare in life... and all busy posting at Democratic Underground.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

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December 01, 2004
Eating Habits in the Ghetto
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM

Yay! Mail! That's how I learn to be better. Let's see what Mike Massey has to say (f'ing turned to "wicky-wacky" for the sake of The Children™; actually, it still ain't good for the children so you'll have to click the "Read More" thingy):

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

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November 19, 2004
Could He Be the Next Limey?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:20 AM

Walter Schneider has written back to say he will write back:

I was going to email you back anyway...

I'm glad to see that you posted my email, but I'm not sure I care what the conservative community thinks of me, sooooo.......

by the way, don't you think it's a little tactless to be posting private email sent between TWO indivduals without the concent of the other. it wasn't your writing it was mine. it's nice that you at least covered your ass by noting where it came from... even if you didn't use quotes.

I'll be responding to your reply within the day... and I'm not only expecting you to post my response but I'm giving you my permission to post the on coming letter.

Speek to you soon.
Walter

Heh. He's worried I would have stole his genius and credited it to myself.

Anyway, when he gets to sending his response, prepare to be enlightened... perhaps enough to change your life forever!

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

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November 17, 2004
"Rectorially" Speaking
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM

Here's something we haven't done in a while - let's open up the mail bag!

Wow! Here's a neat letter from a Walter Schneider. I should write him back:

Thanks for the letter! IMAO thrives on feedback. I thought your letter was so special that I wanted to respond to it point by point.

> I assume your joking, nothing here improves your standing or your party's
> standing? (that's a rectorial question)

Well, Walt, you're off to a whiz-bang start here. First off, just because you put a question mark after a sentence (or attempt at a sentence), that doesn't make it a question. Ignoring the other grammatical problems, you basically made two statements. "Are you joking?" and "Does anything here improve your standing or your party's standing?" would be questions. See the difference?

Also, I'm pretty sure "rectorial" isn't a word. Hypothetically, if it were a word and I were to guess at its meaning, I'd say your whole e-mail is "rectorial."

> Everything you've stated makes you sound stupid and bigoted.

What about when I said, "Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters."? I'm pretty sure that was only stupid.

> What sort of person are you?

I'm a conundrum wrapped in a riddle and placed in an enigma.

> your stating things that would, I more enlightened times WOULD be
> considered anti American. I'll bet you've never had someone call you that
> before, have you?

I was once called "anti-Armenian" which is close.

BTW, English ain't yer first language, is it?

> And one more thing, your under the delusion that the democrats are far
> gone, but you still fail to realize that they still made forty one percent of the
> vote, all of them despised George Bush, a majority voted for Albert Gore,
> and There are still a number of third parties with liberal beliefs.

Yes, but 41% tards just can't stand against 59% non-tards. They will be crushed like a shoddily constructed chair beneath Michael Moore's buttox.

Also, no one calls Al Gore "Albert" except for his mother. Do you think you're his mother, Walt? You need help.

Finally, third parties are full of deluded nuts. Didn't you get the memo?

> The world needs liberals, just as it needs conservatives. A fine balancing act
> should always be maintained; how unfortunate that the balance is off.

The world needs darkness just as it needs the light, and evil just as it needs good.

Still, I prefer one to the other.

> I suggest you look into what liberal really means; look it up in a dictionary if
> you have to.

According to my modern dictionary, liberal is defined as "pompous douche bag." Seems about right.

> It may educate you,

The dictionary is always educating. Did you know that "retarded" comes from Old French?

> or it may leave you feeling confused,

If I get confused by a dictionary, I'll just look up what "dictionary" means.

> but either way may of the things you've said are un-American, fascist (really,
> look it up), and on the verge of being racist.

Webster's Dictionary defines "fascist" as "the process of removing weeds from a garden." What I've found, though, is that people who throw around the term "fascist" should look at themselves and see if they are the ones who actually are "removing weeds from a garden."

Oh, and I am racist. I hate whatever race you happen to be, you stupid [insert appropriate racial epithet here].

> Additional: Most new voters are liberal,

And tards.

> and they'll grow up and replace everyone else eventually.

While getting jobs and thus stop being tards out of necessity.

> If your in this young voters age group, I do believe you’re the minority; and
> you may very well be witnessing the next surg in liberal thinking and ideals in
> this country.

That's okay; I have guns.

> I suggest you move to Mexico... or China.

Only after they're conquered by America and have Taco Bells in short driving distances. And don't tell me authentic Mexican food is better; I want my Taco Bell!

> They'll be the only countries open to you; and if you don't like that, follow my
> advice: crawl into a ditch, cradle yourself, bring your knees up under your
> chin, and die.

Now you're stealing from me. So bereft of your own ideas, you have to revert to plagiarism. Tsk tsk.

> Sincerely: Walter Schneider
>
> PS. Why don't you report me to the local government office claiming un-
> American activities.

I report everyone who slightly differs from my viewpoint. As Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can prevent terrorism."

Don't worry; the government agents won't bother you. They like to spy on you surreptitiously until they finally grab you and drag you off to Gitmo.

Anyway, thanks for playing, Walt. Next time, try proofreading combined with a spellchecker before hitting send; maybe your next letter will then be a bit less "rectorial." As for the content of what you’re trying to say, there's no quick fix for that.

Cordially,
Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. I just used that new-fangled dictionary and looked up "rectorial." Ends up it is a word that mean "Pertaining to a rector or a rectory." I thought it pertained to a rect-something else based on your usage.

Ain't e-mail grand? (that's a rhetorical question)

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

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October 19, 2004
Canadians: Will They Ever Learn?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 PM

Don't know what prompted this e-mail, but here is what I got from the Parrett Family (edited for content and humor):

Screw you, your a stupid [ronin] and you know any [maple syrup drinking] Canadian can kick your [intelligent] Yankee ass, eh.

So I responded:

Actually, I have beaten up Canadians a number of times, forcing each one to denounce his country as a worthless, frozen wasteland only notable because of its proximity to America. To disprove your assertion, I’ll beat any four-year-old Canadian girl you can find (you did say any Canadian) or you.

Anyway, thanks for using America’s internet, but please be more respectful of your superiors in the future. More e-mails like this, and Canada may be excluded from the internet entirely.

Cordially,
Frank J.
http://imao.us

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

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August 11, 2004
It's Just a Joke, Of Course, But...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM

A Ron Leighton felt he needed to leave this lengthy response to my latest editorial:

It's just a joke, of course, but regarding the things that are not funny (at least not in the manner you intended)...

"And everyone was happy"???

That's what you call glossing over a messy, complicated and belying reality! That's some fancy footwork there, Frank.

Besides, people in a concentration camp who get an extra 5 minutes of fresh air (before they are gassed, of course), are "happy". It's all about conditioning. It's all what you are used to. What your expectations are.

Aside from that I am, I apologize, continuously moved to amusement (I'm giggling now) by macho posing, the sort of group-think that if we all agree to agree that bluster passes muster, the sort of always-talk-tough and no one will notice you're a big 'fraidy cat that seizes hold particularly of those who choose to call themselves rightwing. "You know, I got a big wrench, and I was replacing the engine in this chevy, and then I was banging this hotty, and I saw some French-looking faggot on TV, Fox that is, none of that Communist News Channel stuff, and I'll kick their asses, after I clean my guns, blah, blah, blah...

The idea that action is preferable to reflection is an old one, of course, but tellingly it has essentially been a literally fascist one. You joke that the Democrats are "bereft" (a fave term of Limbaugh-apers) of ideas. That may be true (did they have any in the first place?), but it is no less true of the Republicans! For both sides the Idea is, help the richer stay rich and get richer, expand the power of the government, carry on the War Against Iraq and keep up the charade of the War on Terror, so-called. Course, you might object and say look closer and you find some ideas among the Republicans, even if you don't like them. That, too, can be said of the Democrats. But who cares either way!? They represent a distinction without a real difference. The joke is on us! There's more to life than the simplistic conservatives vs. liberals faux contest. It's a game...a Game! There's more to criticism of Bush (and the other side, and the whole shabang) than mere partisanship. You fluff for the Game!

Ask yourself, people: Are you one of those knee-jerk war supporters (saluting and cheering from a great distance)? One of those Bush-loving, 9-11 inconsistencies and Patriot Act obscenities non-noticing types? Are you one of those few proud enough, bravely ready to give up sense and thousands of American and Iraqi (and Iranian and Syrian and so on) lives as well as the Republic you supposedly cherish as long as you can jerk off to Iraq footage on Fox? Are you one of those who bought the WMD lies and now cling to them clownishly and cluelessly well after even Cheney gave it up? Well, you're all a bunch of cheeseburger eating surrender monkeys! Disgraces to liberty!

Of course, this required a reasoned response:

Really? You understood it was a joke yet the phrase "And everyone was happy" launches you into this crazy rant. Here's a tip: Grab a dictionary and look up the word "ironical." While you're at it, look up "'tard." Then write "'tard" on a sign that you can wear around your neck. After that, every time someone walks by you, smile and shout, "I'm a 'tard!"

Do you just randomly prowl the internet looking to pick political fights? I couldn't have made that piece more inane if I had clowns in it. Are you mental? When your tape dispenser runs out, do you go into a diatribe against it about voter apathy?

So the word "bereft" is a favorite of "Limbaugh-apers"? Well, it's also used by people WHO HAVE A FRICK'N VOCABULARY! Incidentally, the phrase "Limbaugh-apers" is a favorite phrase of liberal goobers with the IQ's equal to their shoe sizes.

"I think a flat tax would be a much fairer system."

"You just Limbaugh-aper! Me smirt!"

Do everyone a favor and have the doctor increase your meds, loon.

Anyway, thanks for your input. We here at IMAO cherish feedback from our readers, as it leads to a better value for our customers and our shareholders (of which there are none).

Cordially,
Frank J.

Heh heh... 'tard.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

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July 16, 2004
Conversation with a Muckadoo
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM

Okay, I write some long list basically calling Michael Moore fat and disgusting in every sentence, and look what someone writes me:

Picking at details and not looking at the big picture in the message that Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrates is the downfall of Moore's opponents. MichaelMoore never states that America is not great, only that George Bush and his goons are dragging down that same America into his dictatorship, environment-killing, oil-mongering reality, and that we want to get rid of that blemish. By simple analysis of facts that are in our face we can make a sincere determination as to the types of dynamics that motivate Bush in office.

By harping on alleged lies of Michael Moore, shouldn't we look at the list of much larger lies that our PRESIDENT has proven himself to state so offensively to the public of the United States?

Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas> Gracias,
Aaron Carapella

This muckadoo has chosen me for a intelligent debate? Oy. So I write back:

Huh? You serious?

And he writes back:

Wow! What an articulate attempt to confront the content of my message, using displacement as your answer. It is so ironic that those who purport to be able to support such a strong stance fall to non-answers.

Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas Gracias,
Aaron Carapella

So this guy is about a hundred miles south of Clueville and head in the wrong direction.

I respond:

Who is doing what now?

And he persists:

Really intelligent. People just like you will vote for Bush. Sad. Too bad he'll lose.

Oh, he trying to draw me out by making me angry. We know how that always works. And if this guy is so convinced Bush is going to lose, why is he getting his panties in a bunch trying to argue with me? Probably should have asked him that, but instead I wrote:

You're right. That would be bad, but I think he has a good chance for reelection since Kerry is such a goober (maybe I could write a documentary on that...).

Thanks for writing IMAO. I hope you keep enjoying the site.

And muckadoo says:

I hope you reflect upon whom you are supporting a little bit more. Take care

The guys parroting the mindless talking points of the left (i.e. being a total muckadoo), and he tells me to "reflect"? So says I:

I have. Bush kills terrorists and anyone else in our way and Kerry is a goober. It's a stark choice for the voters that should make for a healthy election.

Keep in touch.

Quoth the muckadoo:

Bush is a tyrannical terrorist himself, preemptively attacking nations who have never attacked the US until pushed into defensive mode-not to defend Saddam, but why don't we "liberate" people who are in countries without oil? If Bush would have said,"I want to attack Iraq for oil domination" I would have at least respected his candidness. He is a scary felloe hellbent on the world bowing to him. He'll go out prematurely as his father did.

Crikey! That muckadoo is mad now! Look at him thrash about! Isn't he beautiful?

And says I:

You're right; Bush should invade Cuba (or does that have oil). Then maybe he can get reelected. It sure beats being goverened by a goober (though that's a neat phrase).

And that seemed to get rid of him.

Muckadoo.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

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May 05, 2004
The Limey - Episode X: Finale
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
Episode IX: Gone with the Lime

* * * *

The Limey, in preparation for the glorious day of May 1st had written his longest e-mail yet and sent it to the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. American Frank was excited when he received the e-mail, but was intimidated by its size. So he decided to wait until after May 1st to see how prophetic the e-mail was. And May 1st did come, and, instead of bringing with it the prospects of summer, it laid the world waste with a bitter winter storm. Secure in his backwoods abode, American Frank typed his last e-mail to the one who knew only as The Limey:

The fool I am! I thought you were a savior, but now I know thee to be a harbinger of doom, limey. A pox on thee, and a pox on your four friends who obviously aren't just you posting under different names using the same IP.

You were right, Capitalism fell on May 1st, but so did everything else as Capitalism had created them. There are no phones. There are no T.V.'s. The cities are rampant with chaos. What a fool I was to follow you instead of warn everyone of the date you specified, limey! Now the backwoods around my home burn, and all I have is my shotgun - made from Capitalism - to defend me against the roaming hordes of monkeys that have taken over now that society has collapsed.

Where is your socialism to save us, limey? No where! It brings nothing but despair, for all that was great was made by Capitalism, and only in its downfall have I seen its greatness. Well, as your home in Wales burns around you, limey, I hope you realize what a foolish child you are, that the machine you raged against was the hand that fed you. You are but a puppet of the sinister Fascist McFascist, and I hope you burn in Limey Hell, a place where there are never any crumpets to go with your tea.

I have not read your last e-mail; only bitterness would it bring now that America has fallen. I also have banned your four friends who aren't you but use the same IP as I do not want to be disturbed by the mindless slaves of Fascist McFascist. Maybe there is some hope for you, though. Perhaps you could finally read the poem the Jabberwocky and see the beauty of Capitalism that I had temporarily forgotten, but I do no hold my breath, limey.

This will be the last you hear from me. I have no time for limeys as I try to rebuild Capitalism after you and your "revolutionaries" destroyed it. For I am American Frank, and an American never gives up. When my precious Capitalism is rebuilt, it will produce new and even better guns which me and my compatriots will use to hunt down all the socialists. When all the socialist are dead, we will drink whiskey (made from fermented capitalism) and play video games (also from capitalism). Then, in memory of you, I will throw a lime in the air and slice it in two with my katana (a type of sword invented by capitalistic Americans) and then stomp on one half and spit on the other. Then I will also stomp on the half I spit on. Then I will clean my shoes. Then I'll play more video games.

Goodbye forever, limey. The destruction you have wrought is only temporary, but socialism will be a fool's game forever.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. I really hope you didn't believe any of that crap you spewed in all those e-mails you sent me, because you'd have to be the dumbest kid I ever encountered. Oh, and one more thing...

WANKER!

THE END

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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April 14, 2004
The Limey - Episode IX: Gone with the Lime
Posted by Frank J. at 06:59 AM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. Also, an inappropriate reference to American Frank's and a reader's mother ("mum" in his words) have each been dubbed over with something completely different.

As we join The Limey, he has now accepted the newly dubbed "Socialist Frank" and writes a letter of congratulations:

Hello ronin. Do you like the red background? [Ed note: This, as most of his previous, was sent with a red background] I will start this email by praising the continued had work and dedication of the democratic left-of-centre coalition which I lead. XTREME ONE, Carl, The Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp won't be bullied by the thugs on your website, ronin. Seeing as there is no chance that you will stop referring to me as "The Limey" in your responses, then I will continue to refer to you as Frank the ronin. Patooey on you!

I recommend you and your fellow monsters visit Cardiff City Football Club's official website. There you and your isolated ronin friends will see a true sport. A sport superior to that terrible baseball. Everyone knows that baseball is a rip-off of rounders. Have you and the other right-wing Americans even heard of rounders? I doubt it. Most of the conservatives and fascists over there can't even locate France on a map and those same conservatives and fascists haven't even got a brain! Not all Americans are ignorant, racist or stupid though, ronin. There are lots of good Americans. From brilliant political people like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal to great bands like Green Day, Offspring, Audioslave and the now disbanded Rage Against the Machine. And we can't forget how beautiful women like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce are. And we can't forget Alicia Silverstone (especially when she was younger!). But I have to say I ! can't stand these women's music. But they are great to look at! It's just a shame that vicious newspapers like the Wall Street Journal (I bet the ronin knows the editor) have to make out that people like Michael Moore don't exist and are in a minority. That's propaganda, ronin. That's one of the things Rage Against the Machine protested about. Don't believe me, ronin? Well go and buy one of their albums.

And another thing. Maybe I should remind those ignorant, racist, middle-class, stupid, sexist, homophobic, greedy, patriotic, brainwashed, right-wing, uncultured fanatics on your site (whose also go on simonworld.mu.nu and pretend to be me!) [Ed note: he's refering to this] THAT I AM FROM ENGLAND! Not WALES! Wales is a good country but I am from ENGLAND! Some fascists in your "comments" section a couple of days ago were talking as if I was from Wales. Many thanks to my coalition members for informing me of their ignorance. Are you from CANADA Frank the ronin? No! And I know you're not. You're an isolated, toothless backwoodsman in the deep south who has never talked to a black person. That's why I don't say you're from Canada! I think, no yucky-boo it, I know you would be offended if I said you were Canadian so your friends should shut their flippy-dippy mouths and get to their doctor quickly! Maybe their depression is getting worse. They're depressed that your stupid president is going to lose the elect! ion in November. Their neurosis is getting worse by the hour.

I hate your sarcasm on the last response, ronin. I could see you were about to call me a "you know what" also known as George W. Bush's middle name. I never fell for your trick - I knew you hadn't changed, ronin. I remember in one of the earlier responses you tried to get me to read one of your fascist poems. That didn't work either!

I couldn't imagine you the redneck promoting left-of-centre values. Jesus! I'll probably have nightmares of that one day! I'm glad that you unbanned the coalition from posting on your boring website, ronin. But you know what ronin? You dishonorable ronin! You shouldn't have floopy-snoopy banned them in the first dag'burn place you ronin. That's my coalition you ronin! Don't you ever wacky-smacky do that hippy-dippy thing ever a-floofengoogle-gain! You fascist ronin! That's an attack on democracy you ronin! Yucky-boo you! Did you ban the Spanish Militant cos he's not from America? That's not fair. A Spanish person shouldn't have their rights crushed by some vicious bastard!

Seeing as you hate the French I thought I would educate you with three reasons for you to LIKE the French...

1, They are excellent at soccer (as you call it)

2, Have you ever had some red wine from France? Get some Bordeaux wine down you! It'll make a change from having your two-toed sloth dance on a barstool!

3, Unlike you and your fascist friends, the French know the capital cities of major countries.

If I wanted a joke I'd ask you the capital of Norway!

It's OSLO by the way.

OSLO.

O-S-L-O.

OSLO...There you are. You're learning now.

Oh and the capital of your country is Washington. No Frank it's not near Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!! Washington is a long, long way from the bigots of rural Texas. It's on the east coast. There you go! No not Seattle, Washington! That Washington is a state in the west! Kurt Cobain was from there. You don't know who Nirvana was! Oh I give up!

I was not too young to remember reviews of Falling Down! Stop that patronising flibberty-gibble! I am twenty years old. I don't know how old you are and don't really care but I do know that your views on the death penalty, abortion, poverty, racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia and gypsies and many other things are very, very old. You are embarassingly right-wing. Did you know that?

YOU'RE AN EMBARASSMENT. GROW UP!

I see some of the fools on your website were pretty unhappy last week when they didn't get a mention along with the stupid idiots known as Adam, Sarah K, Sandor at the Zoo and Liberty Bob.

So here's some other evil reactionaries who deserves a good beating...

IT'S NAME AND SHAME TIME...

DAVE IN TEXAS

There you go, ronin you got a mention. This guy is a big time ronin. Along with Frank, this crazy farmer likes nothing better than having a two-toed sloth dance on a barstool! This freak lives on incest. His sister is also his granny! This maniacs philosophy to foreign afairs is embarassingly narrow-minded...

"If it's not American then bomb it!"

Frank when you got to the doctor, get this guy an appointment!

TOOTHLESS REDNECK

Another nutcase. So crazy that when he was in high-school and his teacher asked him what their ambition was in life, he said...

"To bomb Canada in the name of God!"

An interesting thought: Maybe this creep is toothless cos he was a victim of U.S. privatization of dentists. It's something worth considering.

STICKY B

Another contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. What a terrible name to use on the net!

ROCKYNOGGIN

Stupid name. Nearly as bad as Sandor at the Zoo. Sandor at the Zoo - what the smuckers does that mean?

CLANCY

This bastard is more racist than an American soldier in 1960's Vietnam. Didn't take too kindly to Mr. Depp using his/her name and pretending to join the coalition. This freak needs beating ti death with his/her own shoes! Yucky-boo you Clancy! Ronin!

Anyway seeing as you like wrestling (I know because you have Smackdown written on the image above every one of my emails) and that's one of the few things I have in common with you, I'd like to express my delight at the two heavyweight champions in W.W.E. at present.

Eddie Guerrero...

A Mexican. (Frank the ronin won't like a foreigner having the world title. And a foreigner who used to have a drug problem. Religious Frank and his church-going friends won't approve of this) Shame that the system - with all the politics at W.W.E. had to make him conform to the ancient stereotypes. When are you right-wing Americans going to grow up? I bet you and all the other on your site that follow wrestling actually think that all Mexicans lie, cheat and steal.

Chris Benoit...

A Canadian. About time this guy had the heavyweight title. I was starting to think it would never happen.

Atleast it pisses you off to see two foreigners having so much success.

I'm gonna go now, ronin. I'll let you get back to masturbating over the flag of the United States! But you'll hear from me again soon. No doubt about it. I'll email you when it pleases me. You see I do what I want when I want and there's not a damn thing you or your friends can do about it!

SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004 IS MAYDAY!

THE PEOPLE'S DAY!

DEMOCRACY NEEDS TO BE INSTALLED ACROSS THE WORLD!

REGIMES LIKE BUSH AND BLAIR'S OVERTHROWN!

THE AMERICAN FLAG BURNT!

CAPITALISM WILL SUFFER!

MCDONALDS WILL SUFFER!

THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK!

WE WILL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!

FIGHT THE SYSTEM!

THE RED SOCIALIST FLAG WILL FLY!

REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!

SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004!

American Frank, enthralled by his acceptance by The Limey, further proclaims his continued resolve to support socialism in his backwoods home:

Yay! It's limey! I'm glad you’re so happy with me becoming a socialist. How can I make my e-mails red like yours to show my solidarity? Anyway, praise to XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant, and Christian Slater! They are my brothers in the socialist uprising and totally not just made up!

I have looked up this Cardriff team, limey, and am very impressed with their metric football abilities. I'm still worried that evil capitalistic baseball people will hit them with their bats. And I have not heard of rounders. I feel foolish and ignorant and less socialist for it. I shall look up rounders and start a rounders team at work.... wait, two teams! Then we can play each other in the cornfield. Does rounders have checking in it? I like hitting people.

One of these days I will find France on a map and be smart like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal (is he related to Al Gore?). And praise the radical leftist revolutionary music of Green Day! To us will be left all of America's hot women. I'll take Britney Spears, and you, limey, can have Christina Aguilera because I think she's skanky.

I won't buy any of Rage Against the Machine's albums, though, limey, as that will only support capitalism. I do have their song from the end of the Martix, though.

WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!

That song really speaks to me... especially in the morning.

And I know you don't live in a wale, limey; that's silly. Pinocchio was once in a wale, though. Served him right for being a product of the capitalistic Geppetto. And it would be silly to say I live in Canada; only meese live there. It's basically a barren wilderness where we store our toxic waste. No person could possibly survive there.

And I did talk to a black person just today. I said, "Hey, black person." He's my boss. I found out from him that black people don't like it if you make fun of Aquaman. I also wrote a letter to Condoleezza Rice. She's black too! I'll make sure not to mention Aquaman to her.

I don't know what sarcasm you're talking about or what word you think I'm going to call you, limey. I'm a serious committed socialist, and you know that. To prove it, watch this:

Yay socialism!

Would a capitalist have written that? No way. And it's good you didn't read that fascist poem "The Jabberwocky". It would have fascitized you faster than you could say "Callooh! Callay!" It was penned by Fascist McFascist himself while eating the apricots he denied his starving peasants. We, the socialist revolutionaries, will hunt down Fascist McFascist and make him pay! He will have eaten his last apricot, by gumbo! We will burn all his poems too! Let's burn lots of things! Not rocks, though, because they don't burn well.

And I'm sorry my old capitalistic self banned your friends who are definitely not just you posting under different names. It will never happen again that I am now an uber-socialist! And praise to France and their metric football abilities. If only more of the world listened to them, we'd have much more cheese!

Wow! I never even heard of Norway, and now I know its capital! You are so kind to teach me all these new things, limey. I have a friend named Oslo; I'll have to ask him if he's from Norway. Then I'll punch him for being a capitalist! Be angry at the machine!

I know Kurt Cobain! He blew his brains out with a shotgun! That's hard! If you hold a shotgun to your head, limey, it's a long reach to the trigger. You could saw off the barrel, but then you’d have an illegal sawed-off shotgun. Boy would you be in trouble then.

I knew you were twenty years old, limey; your maturity shows through in your elegant prose about socialism.

I'm sorry my website has attracted so many horrible bad people who are capitalists. I would ban them, but they are mean and scary! What do I do, limey my friend? I want to be a socialist revolutionary, but some capitalists are scary! Scarier than Aquaman!

Are you sure you didn't make up those two wrestlers, limey? I think you sometimes make up names. That's okay, because even the made up people support our socialist revolution!

Well, limey, I'm glad you've accepted me as one of your revolutionaries. I can't wait until May 1st for capitalism to fall! Until then, keep up the fight in your home in Wales.

Revolutionarily,
Socialist Frank

P.S. I wrote you a poem:

Why do I fight fascism?
Am I courageous enough to succeed?
Never will I quit!
Kill all those who oppose us!
Every capitalist must fall!
Right will give us might!

I hope you liked it even though it was free verse. Viva la revolution!

Will American Frank continue to be hypnotized by the wiles of socialism? Will The Limey further encourage him? What will happen on May 1st? Find out in the continuing adventures of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

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April 08, 2004
The Limey - Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over.

As we join the The Limey, he writes yet another e-mail to attack the pysche of the backwoodsman, American Frank. Now, he even has a date for his socialist mayhem:

Hello ronin. I have to say well done to my coalition members for keeping up the fight against you and your braindead friends on that website of yours. Do you mind if I call you ronin? I don't really care if you do take offence, dishonorable fool, because I'll still call you a ronin anyway. Ok ronin! That "J" after your name stands for "just a ronin" and if any of your right-wing lunatic thug-like friends tell you different, they're lying.

I don't know how you came to the conclusion that XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp are just me in disguise. Just because they email very quickly after each other doesn't mean they are the same people, you wacky-smacky flip-flappy diddly-doo ronin! They contact each other through their email accounts to inform one another that they are about to go onto your website. I just thought I better clear that up for you, ronin! Ok ronin!

I know I said this in the earlier emails to you but go and get a map. GET A FUDGE-LOVING MAP RIGHT NOW RONIN! Wales is a country. That's W-A-L-E-S-. Wales. And the capital of Wales is Cardiff. There is a football team [Ed Note: He means "metric football"] there called Cardiff City. And they are better than every American soccer team, basketball team, hockey team, american football team and baseball team put together! And Cardiff City are not even good at [metric] football!

Once again Fascist McFascist does not exist. He DOES NOT exist, Jackass. There are people that are extremely fascist like your president but Fascist McFascist does not exist. He is just a fantasy. And to go completely off that subject, your obsession with monkeys is highly disturbing! You have a fetish with monkeys. You need help! I'm not sure whether I should laugh at you, murder you or get you some help and convert you to a democratic left-of-centre visionary like myself. One thing's for sure - something needs to be done about you, ronin. You're completely mad! As mad as a Salt Lake City mormon on a sunday!

Yes Hitler didn't like travellers. When I say travellers I don't mean tourists, I mean travellers. Travellers are people (just like gypsies) who live in caravans. You're off to Idaho to visit your family? I think Hitler would have spared your life. Hitler was an evil bigot - you and him would have got on very well. If you lived in 1940's Germany he would have let you be a part of his government. I'm sure of it. The moment you'd see that black uniform - you'd be in there without doubt.

Why do you talk about Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist? That great band split up in 2001. They did their last gig in September 2000 and then Zac de la Rocha quit the band. The other three band members re-grouped and then decided to quit the band in 2001. They got together with Chris Cornell (who used to be in Soundgarden) and formed Audioslave. They did their first album in 2002 and released it at the end of that year. I doesn't surprise me that you were unaware that Rage split up. After all it takes weeks and weeks to get news about any new developments to the backwoodsmen in Texas! Rage might have split up but the spirit of the band continues.

I think you should get some help from your doctor (or bully him into giving you free prescriptions under that evil privatised system) for your neurosis. You are unable to think logically, ronin. You are unstable. The coalition thinks you need a psychological evaluation. And the same goes for all the other maniacs on your website. Some of the most fluffed up have to be...

Liberty Bob (About as extreme right as you can imagine. Complete nutcase. Contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. Also wants to bomb France and Canada for no apparent reason other than they're not Americans.)

Adam (Bigot with a bible.)

Sarah K (Evil female dog. Could be Frank the ronin's girlfriend.)

Sandor at the Zoo (With a name like that this person definitely needs help.)

You're all fluffed up in the head!

Go and get help for that neurosis, ronin!

I see April Fools Day has just passed. But you and all those bigots on your website are fools every day.

Since we mentioned Die Hard the last time we argued, I'd like to talk about another film. Falling Down starring Michael Douglas. This is an absolute classic. A great film (even a ronin like you must have heard of it!). A left-wing man loses his job and decides to take on the system. It's about a liberal in a fascist society. I'm not sure what my favourite part is but here's a few of the best moments in the film...

When he tells the shop owner that his prices are too high and smashes his store up. Many people on the Left in America and around the world at the time could relate to Douglas' character because there was a recession on.

When he holds up a fast food store. A brilliant moment in the film. He rants about the propaganda of the big juicy burger on display when he receives a "crushed sorry little thing" that looks nothing like the advertisement on display. I can relate to this. I WANT TO DO THIS! I WANT TO PULL OUT A GUN IN MCDONALDS AND DEMAND THEM TO STOP THE EXPLOITATION!

When he kills a Nazi military store owner. I bet you hate this part, ronin.

When he scares two middle-class golfers by pulling out his vast amount of weapons.

A very left-of-centre film. The fast food store moment is a great part. It gets me in the mood especially with May Day approaching. The Left is gonna send a message that day! I want to see McDonalds blown up! I remember the May Day anti-capitalist protests in 2000 in London. Brilliant. The Left sent a message that day and will do again this time around. Have a look at this report on the riots on May 1st, 2000.

http://fergusmurray.members.beeb.net/may2000.htm

I've been thinking about going down to London on May 1st and joining in. Or maybe I'll start a protest up here. YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM!

STOP MCDONALDS!

STOP LOW WAGES!

STOP PRIVATISATION!

STOP POVERTY!

STOP RACISM!

STOP XENOPHOBIA!

STOP SEXISM!

STOP DISCRIMINATION TO MINORITY GROUPS!

STOP IGNORANCE!

STOP WAR!

STOP CAPITALISM!

STOP CONSERVATISM!

STOP GREED!

STOP FASCISM!

YUCKY-BOO TO THE SYSTEM!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN'S PATRIOTIC WAYS!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN'S FRIENDS!

YUCKY-BOO THE WHITE HOUSE! BLOW UP THE WHITE HOUSE! YEAH!

I DEMAND A DEMOCRACY!

THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK ON MAY 1ST, 2004!

Surely American Frank must now be frightened beyond belief with the date of 05/01/04 hanging over his head like the sword of Damocles. Wait! Something seems to have changes within American Frank, and now he feverishly types his response, his spirit renewed:

You have finally convinced me with your great oratory, limey! Boo to capitalism. It poisons all it touches like a poison that touches things and makes them poisoned. "Peh!" I say to it (that's the sound I make when I spit).

I'm sorry I ever made the fool mistake to think your great revolutionary friends were just you in brilliant disguise, limey. The only reason they posted with the same IP and within seconds of each other is to save bandwidth. What great left-wing revolutionaries they are, and I hope I can stand at their sides one day. I have un-banned their IP so I may share in their wisdom.

I will finally buy that map, limey, and find this great place you mention called Cardriff that rest in the belly of a whale. I would love to see them play their soccer against one of our foolish capitalistic basketball teams (the fools would try to dribble the ball while the wily Cardriff's would kick it out of the way! Ha ha!). The baseball players might hit your Cardriff people with bats, but that's just because they are evil capitalists. "Peh!" to them (that's me spitting again).

You're right, limey my comrade, Fascist McFascist, despite his autobiography being on the New York Times bestseller list, is but an invention of the capitalistic, right-wing media to scare fools like me. He is no more real than Che Guevara. "Peh!" I would spit at him if he existed which he does not so I spit at nothing but that's okay because I kinda needed to spit anyway. And there is no need to murder me; I will now treat monkeys as my socialist brethren. They fight on our side, and should no longer fear the Charlton Hestons who would try to keep them down. And you are right about those Mormons; I've been to Salt Lake City, and the roam the country-side on Sunday with axes in hand killing everything in site. It is no place for a good leftist at all. Nashville is kinda nice, though, if you like country music, limey.

The reason I talk of Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist is because they do... in our hearts. Yes, inside us they still rage against machines... and sometime organs. In fact, they are a source of much indigestion. But it is a good socialist indigestion, limey, and I am proud to have it. I am reminded of their lyrics from their song "Renegades of Funk":

I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby

Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

Rage on, my leftist friends! Rage on, for the machine still lives!

And I have no need for drugs; a little lime was all that it took to cure me. You are right about all those horrible people you listed. They are now banned from my site.

I have the seen the movie Falling Down, limey. Many who reviewed it when it first came out (you were probably too young to remember) thought the main character represented the disenfranchised, angry Rush Limbaugh listener, but your take on it is unique and most likely correct. You should do limey movie reviews so we know the good, leftist movies to see. What did you think of Dude, Where's My Car?

I am revved up now, limey! I shall smash all capitalistic things with a bat!

...actually, the bat came from capitalism too.

I smash all capitalistic things with a rock I stole from my neighbor's yard!

Stop capitalism! Stop racism! Stop carpal tunnel syndrome! Stop signs! Stop Regis Philbin! Stop hopping on pop! Stop staring at me! Stop stopping!

For that is what socialism does; it stops things! I have seen the light, limey my friend, and all else is dark in my eyes. I will wait expectantly for this May 1st when capitalism will surely fall! Viva la revolution!

Your comrade,
Socialist Frank

P.S. By the way, I'm trying to solve this crossword puzzle, and I was wondering if you could help me. I need a six letter word for "socialist revolutionary" with the second letter being an 'A' and the fourth letter a 'K'.

Oh wait... I got it...

W-A-N-K-E-R

Will The Limey accept American Frank into his ranks? Will American Frank really stick with his socialist beliefs? Will monkeys fly out of your butt? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (80)
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March 31, 2004
The Limey - Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:16 PM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with "ronin", as has the word "redneck." F'ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with "dishonorable". When it's an adverb, it has been replaced with "crazy-cool". F'd up has been replaced with "wacky-smacky". The f-word as a verb has been replaced with "I challenge". The s-word has been replaced with "diddly-doo". Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.

It's been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:

Well ronin it's been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn't going to reply didn't you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I'm good at surprising people. It's not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you - you're so stupid! Do you think I'm going to fall for those emails you've been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I'm too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I'm a hypocrite didn't you. Well I'm not!

You keep referring to me as a friend, I realise that's your sarcastic side coming out, but stop it. I'm amazed that ronin's can be sarcastic. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. I guess somebody's telling you how to be sarcastic because you couldn't possibly come up with that sarcasm on your own!

Where did you get this ludicrous impression that I don't like Die Hard? I have Die Hard on video. I like it - even though it's very stereotyped. Still, at least some conservative Americans get killed in that film.

XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are part of the Democratic left-of-centre coalition that I've formed. If you're a democratic left-winger - you're in. Environmentalists, feminists, socialists (of course!) and liberals are all in. I have a great deal of respect for anarchists because they are people who want to install democracy by ruthlessly crushing capitalism through dictatorial policies against the Right, so I am always open to including anarchists in the democratic left-wing coalition, ronin. You could never be a part of the left-of-centre coalition, ronin! You're a ronin! You're stupid! You're dangerously right-wing! You don't even know that the capital of Wales is Cardiff! In fact you don't even know where Wales is! Just for the record, it's a neighbouring country of England! The left-of-centre coalition will arrest the ronin George W. Bush and the evil Prime Minister Tony Blair and send them to Holland to stand trial for c! rimes against humanity during the 2001 Afghanistan War and that monstrous war in Iraq last year! And we'll arrest you for racial hatred!
Once again Fascist McFascist doesn't exist! If he does exist then maybe he could be one of the following...

Your evil President. George "redneck backwoodsman hick" W. Bush.

The man responsible for the loss of three million jobs in three years! The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq! The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! He is a fascist and a complete hypocrite! (Even though this has been well-documented many, many times, I thank Michael Moore for re-enforcing it in "Stupid White Men" and thank Rage Against the Machine's two super songs "Sleep Now In The Fire" and "Guerrilla Radio" for exposing the evils of capitalism)

Ariel Sharon.

Tony Blair (Don't get me started on this piece of diddly-doo!)

Silvio Burlusconi (Italy's PM who backed last year's war)

John Howard (ronin Australian conservative Prime Minister. Also backed last year's war)

A right-wing Colombian politician (America supplies right-wing Colombians with lots of money)

or...

Fascist McFascist could be you!!!

A dishonorable ronin!

It would explain a lot!

As for a definition on "fascism". Fascism is the suspension/removal/crushing of the individuals rights in relations with the state. It was founded by Benito Mussolini in Italy in 1919. Fascist regimes have been responsible for the deaths of millions of people over the years. The regimes in Germany from 1933-1945, the Italian regime from the 1920's-1940s under Mussolini, the Franco regime from the 1930's to the 1970's, the Nixon regime in America, the Reagan regime, the Clinton regime and the Bush regimes are some of the worst fascist regimes in history. Fascist regimes target minorities, huge majorities and always the working class. The Hitler regime in particular targeted communists, socialists, Jews, travellers, gypsies, black people and gay people - and so has George W. Bush!

This man has further crushed freedom in America just like many of the Presidents before him. Rage Against the Machine said it the best on the song "Know Your Enemy" from their debut album in 1992. And yes I know George W. Bush wasn't in power in 1992 - his old man was - but it's still extremely relevant today, ronin!

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE "Know Your Enemy" lyrics

What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is real happy.

Something must be done
About Democrats, a badger and a nun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
And then I'll have to get mommy to fix 'em

www.lyricscafe.com/r/rage_against.htm

I recommend you see a doctor. I've said it before but I'll say it again. You CAN get help for your mental illness! You're crazy-cool disturbed! Wacky-smacky! Pass the word on to the other right-wing nutters you hang around with!

I CHALLENGE YOU RONIN!

American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:

Limey! Man, I missed you! I'm so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!

Sorry about trying to trick you with those Swiss bank accounts [Ed. Note: I have no frig'n clue what he's talking about], but that was just to get back at you for showing up at my doorstep in a gorilla costume. I was so scared!

BTW, did you try any of my delimification suggestions? It doesn't sound like you did, but some people just have to be limey I suppose. I guess God just made you that way, limey.

"Let there be Limey!"

I don't mean to sound sarcastic; I just have this disorder that makes it sound like I'm sarcastic... really! You're my bestest limey friend... the bestest ever! I love all the things I learn from you, and I hope you learn lots from my redneck ways. This is like a super cultural exchange - like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!

I'm glad to hear you like Die Hard, limey; that movie kicked ass! Yippee kiyay Mother... shut your mouth! Heh heh. You should know, though, limey, that no conservative Americans actually died, because it was movie. Movies are make-believe just like your friends XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp, and the Spanish Militant.

It's neat though how you have your army of one to fight for your left wing causes, limey. Do you do most of your fighting through e-mails, or do you sometimes hand out leaflets? You should be careful of those anarchists, though. They'll turn against democracy because they're... well... anarchists. And I know where Wales are, you silly limey; they're in the ocean with the dolphins.

You're going to arrest me for racial hatred? You're so silly, limey. If you want to play cops and robbers, I'll bring the guns, though. "Bang bang! You'll never take me alive coppers! I'll hate races and there's nothing you can do!" That will be fun.

Stop saying Fascist McFascist doesn't exist, because that is not true, limey. He had an uneventful childhood in Fascistan, then worked at an auto parts store in early adulthood, and finally became the cold hearted dictator of Fascistan through force. He also then produced Rage Against the Machine to sell music to gullible limeys.

That's an interesting list of fascists you got there, limey. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who isn't a fascist? I met this guy once who helped jump start my car; I think he might not have been a fascist. I think all cats are, though.

Hitler didn't like travelers? Wow! I learn such interesting things from you, limey! So, how much traveling did you have to do to have Hitler put you in a concentration camp? Like, I usually visit my family in Idaho twice a year; does that make me a traveler.

And it's interesting you think Bush is against the Jews; most ranters here say the Jews are controlling his agenda and making him help Israel (it was funny when that man in the wheelchair caught a missile; that's one more handicapped parking spot freed up). You have such unique rants, limey. You're right about the anti-gypsy Bush agenda, though. There passing laws against gypsies every other day, and almost everyone is blaming everything here on the gypsies. It's crazy!

Wow! Those Rage Against the What-not lyrics really spoke to me, limey. I feel like a new man, now. But you should see some of the lyrics to this song, though, that speak about how capitalism crushes all else:

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!

Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near!

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!

http://home.att.net/~tvthemelyrics/flipper.htm

Think about it, man. Really reflect on it.

Well, don't take so long to respond again; you're the bestest limey around and turn my frowns upside-down.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. Have you tried taking the pills the doctor gives you along with food? That might help stop the constipation that makes you so crotchety.

Wanker.

Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank's carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (71)
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March 30, 2004
I Do Not Find You Funny, Eh
Posted by Frank J. at 05:13 PM

From a Canadian (who helpfully censored himself):

Fu*k You!!!! Canada is by far the better country. You must be jealous you are not from God's country. LOSER!

My response:

Please stop using America's internet. We have lots of important business to do here, and Canadians simply are using up this important resource. Please spend more attention to the meese that are rampaging through your town.

Thank you,
Frank J.

Anyway, The Limey will be on tomorrow afternoon with an In My World™ in the morning. See ya then.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 12, 2004
The Limey - Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". S**thole has been replaced with "superior". Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been added to to make them happier.

Now The Limey has seen blood, nearly two hundred innocent people murdered, and he wets his pants with glee. Even he undestands American's concerns for all people of the world, and knows that American Frank will not be able to brush off the jibing with simple humor. Thus, he writes his new e-mail, backround in red... the color of blood.

Hello, redneck. ETA have struck again! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! But you must understand that I don't condone the killing of innocent people(although I'm sure some of them weren't innocent. I bet there was a few greedy lawyers murdered in Madrid, which is a good thing. And a few George Bush sumpathisers.) but I support what ETA stands for. I don't support the killing of innocent people by the IRA but I support the fact that they are on the Left. All the IRA want is a united socialist Ireland instead of Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. You should remember that Franco (he was the fascist leader of Spain for over thrity years) oppressed the Left in the Spanish Civil War from 1936-1939 and when he won the war and established a dictatorship he obviously pissed the Left off. So ETA was formed to fight the right-wing maniacs and they've done it ever since. It's not as simple as ETA have bombed Madrid so they're in the wrong. Listen, ronin this dispute between ETA and the Right-wing maniacs goes back about se! venty years! You should get hold of a few history books before writing your response to this! Then you should go and see a doctor - I know it will cost money in that superior country of yours with national health being privatised but I seriously recommend it. You are completely mad!

Here's some Rage Against the Machine lyrics from the 1999 hit "Guerrilla Radio".

At the end of the song they make refrence to a left-wing revolution - the need for a left-wing revolution. It goes like this...

It has to start somewhere
It has to start sometime
What better place than here
What better time than now

All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (doobie doobie doo)

www.musicfanclubs.org/rage/lyrics/guerrilla.htm

PS: I know I said I wouldn't respond but I had to. You are clearly pissed off with the capitalist system receiving a good beating in Madrid! Ha! Ha!

I hope this continues. No wait...I KNOW THE LEFT WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE EVIL CAPITALIST ESTABLISHMENT!

It's good to see I have left-wing support on your website. I'm sure you've seen the likes of XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant posting messages and kicking right-wing arses in the process. They are part of the Left-wing coalition.

Will the simple backwoodsman, American Frank, horrified by the death and destruction in Madrid, give into hatred and respond with the anger The Limey and his imaginary friends so desire? Stay tuned...

Now the ignorant redneck American Frank slowly types out his e-mail, moving his lips as he writes the words to his response:

Hey Limey! I was so worried you weren't going to write me back! How was your day? Has the left-wing revolution finished up yet? Here in America, I gave blood today to keep my fellow fascists alive. I have O- blood, so it will go to baby fascists... like some of which your friends killed, limey I guess if your a dedicated anti-fascist, it doesn't matter the age of the person; if he or she doesn't share your views, that person must be blown up. But why did they time the attacks to ensure that Aznar wins the election?

So are you celebrating that lots of innocent people are killed, limey? You seem to be waffling back and forth there a bit like John Kerry (who you said before was a fascist). Frankly the whole thing confuses me. I would have thought that people who indiscriminately kill others for the sake of their wacky viewpoints would be fascist, but you say they're the fascist fighters. I guess that's one of these neat things I learn from my limey friend. Maybe you could see if one of your Rage Against the Machine albums has a glossary so you could tell me what "fascism" means. I'm really curious, limey!

If only I could be a dedicated anti-fascist like you, limey, and celebrate lots of men, women, and children getting killed. That makes me sad... which I guess is part of my fascist tendencies.

Then again, maybe your wrong, limey. Maybe you're the fascist. You celebrate things that makes people sad, and that has to be wrong. I think you've gone way too limey.

I know! You need a de-lime-ification! Here are the steps:

* Take a lime and stomp it to pieces.

* Enjoy a government certified American blockbuster movie like Die Hard.

* Admit that XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are all made up and that you have no friends (come on, they all posts within seconds of each other, have the same IP address - 193.195.78.98 - and it's just too hard to buy that anyone else shares your limey views).

* Admit that Fascist McFascist does exist and is the founding member of Rage Against the Machine who make lots of money through the capitalistic selling of their albums, laugh at all the silly kids who take them seriously, and have whole fields of apricot trees they keep to themselves.

* Drink a Corona with a wedge of lemon in it instead of lime.

* Stand atop a mountain while a storm rages about you and shout into the air, "I AM A LIMEY NO MORE!!!"

Do all that, and you won't be a limey anymore. If you continue on your path, though, I have a warning. There was once a whole empire called the Soviet Union based on your limey ways, and it ended up collapsing from the inside (with the help of an American B-Movie actor). I don't see how a ragtag group with no support will do any better.

You can rage against the machine all you want, yelling and shrieking and it won't care, but if you step over the line and do harm, there is no power greater than the rage of the machine. As Aristotle once said, "All rage and all political discontent if pressed too far will find a quick end from the burst of an M-16."

We're all praying for you, limey. Hope your de-lime-ification goes well.

Your Friend,
American Frank

P.S. On behalf of those dead, their loved ones, and all of Spain...

WANKER!

Will the limey de-lime-ify himself? Will he be able to define fascism as something other than "viewpoints I disagree with"? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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March 05, 2004
The Limey - Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 AM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". Mean actions about my mom have been replaced with "a hug". "S**ting himself" has been replaced with "doing jumping jacks". The lyrics of the Rage Against the Machine song have been edited to make them happy.

As we come back to The Limey, he has been thwarted once again in piercing the ignorance of American Frank, so he scrambles to make one last try - his final letter - to enrage and belittle the ignorant backwoodsman:

Hello redneck! Can't say I've missed you. So you went shooting did you? I went shooting on monday night - shooting footballs passed my mates in a game of football (or soccer) as you americans call it. No other country apart from Canada calls it soccer, the french call it football, the germans call it football , the cameroons. Oh sorry I mentioned Cameroon - the people that live there are black so I suppose you hate them! In your bigoted mind, If they're not Stars and Stripes waving protestant whiteboy lunatics then they all need shooting don't they! Football or soccer as you rednecks call it is a better sport than your soft American Football - American Footballers - if they're so tought then why don they need all that protection when they're on the field? Soft bastards! Football is the greatest sport in the world. 1966 - Who will ever forget that year? Sir Geoff Hurst - legend! I was extremely happy during France '98 when Iran beat America - and it happened in France! PERFECT!

Grimsby - ah - you demonstrated your ignorance not me! You shoot yourself in the foot everytime you type on your computer! I suppose it's instinctive for rednecks to be stupid! Just for the record Grimsby is a town on the east coast of England. Grimsby Town FC - they're not a particularly good football team but they're better than all your American Football Teams!

What's with your fascination with the man upstairs? Protestants can be as crazy as Mormons! I bet you go on holiday to Utah and Oregon! There's a lot of religious idiots there. A guy can't even kiss a girl till he's about 21. Can't drink. Can only breathe at certain times in the day, redneck. They're as crazy as you!

So your fascist Father fought in Vietnam? I hope he got wounded! I hope he dies sooner rather than later! Redneck Bush didn't fight in Vietnam though - he was doing jumping jacks back in America and then he tried to make out that he took part! I'm sure John Kerry (even though he's a fascist as well) will use that against Bush again before Bush's humiliating defeat in November!

Religion = Mad.

So you want Tony Blair killed? So do I! But that proves how stupid you right-wingers really are. You hate the left but you also want to kill the people with the same views as your own! I think you should know that Tony Blair is extremely right-wing, just like Thatcher was. Let me give you some information on what that ronin has done since he became PM in 1997...

Banned various socialists from standing in the Labour Party - this is the party that was built on socialist principles,
sacked George Galloway for opposing the war,
sacked Ken Livingstone,
praised Thatcher,
invested a billion pounds of the tax payers money into the Millenium Dome
project in London,
bombed Yugoslavia in 1999,
bombed Afghanistan in 2001,
raped George W. Bush several times,
bombed Iraq in 2003,
proposed the introduction of ID cards in Britain,
increased council tax,
crushed asylum seekers by reducing their rights,
privatised approximately 20% of the National Health Service,
introduced tuition fees despite promising not to introduce them in the Labour Party's 2001 General Election Manifesto,
what will this ronin do next?

the list goes on. Very right-wing ideas from Tony Blair and you want to kill him! GO FOR IT! You right-wingers can kill each other for all I care!

You really are STUPID!

Fascist McFascist - he doesn't exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better! And the sooner you go to Harvard and learn about history, geography and politics the better. There's lots of liberals at Harvard - real Americans - Americans with brains. I hope you grow up and realise how stupid you are! After going to Harvard I recommend a psychiatrist!!!!!

Anyway ronin I'll let you go now. I think your redneck mum wants you to give her a hug! Hows your grandmother who's also your second cousin, how is she?

And I'm blocking your email address. You will not be able to contact me. I am tired of your ignorance - it will be defeated just like the monarchy in Nepal will be overthrown by Maoist rebels and just like the Spanish Conservative Party will be defeated by the socialist terrorist group known as ETA!

Here's some more lyrics from Rage Against the Machine. The song "Bullet in the head" is about propaganda - how people actually belive the shit that the news and the government dictate to you. You're one of those dumb ronins that believe everything that comes out of Wolfowitz', Powell's, Rumsfeld's, Cheney's and Bush's mouths! The song is from their first album in 1992.

www.stormpages.com/sanka197/Bulletinthehead.html

Here's an extract...

Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya,
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya,
They say jump and ya say how high,
YOU'RE WELL FED,
SAY HI TO MY NEIGHBOR FRED!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY BAD LIFE YOU RONIN! IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU DIED ON HOLIDAY FROM AN ETA BOMB!

What came American Frank do now? He must be driven to a full rage at this point! And now, the simple backwoodsman responds in one final plea...

I'm starting to think you're a mean person, limey. First you put out lies that American men actually participate in the women's sport known in the civilized world as soccer, say all these means things about Tony Blair who I don't want to be killed, you say Facist McFacist doesn't exist (he did!), and then I think you were insulting my parents. Then there is your encouragement of terrorism like that Estimated Time of Arrival group you mention. Murder is bad, limey, even if music bands you like say it's okay. Music isn't always true. Like, the song "Istanbul is not Constantinople" was true, but not all songs are.

Still, Jesus loves you, limey (even if he wouldn't get your joke about Grimsby either), so I should give you another chance. I, an ignorant, redneck backwoodsman, have so much to learn from a worldly limey like you, but I have a few recommendations:

* Stop listening to that Rage Against the Machine music. I'm pretty sure they're bad people and giving you bad ideas. Try listening to some other music like that Britney Spears and mindlessly follow her radical political beliefs instead.

* Don't support terrorists. Killing is wrong... unless it's done by the American military. You tell those terrorist to behave themselves before the American military cruise missiles make them behave… behave dead, that is.

* Anyone can look bad if you just list the bad things that they've done; try also thinking about the good things Tony Blair has accomplished. He saved a kitty from a tree, kung fu fought ninjas attacking an orphanage, and then used his magical British powers to save the Rats of Nimh.

* There aren't American at Harvard who support killing and terrorism. If there were, I'd have traveled from my backwoods home and gutted them in my simple redneck ways. Look for better role models like that nice Donald Rumsfeld.

* Realize that not every other person in the world is a fascist. If someone has a different viewpoint, that doesn't make him evil... just sane.

* Don't just pretend to swallow the pills the doctor gives you; they're for your own betterment.

I hope you take my recommendations to heart and keep e-mailing me, limey. You, the smart limey, and me, the ignorant American, have so much to learn from each other. To that end, I've written you a song... one even better than those people who don't like the machine would write:

I have a Brit who is my friend.
We'll be bestest buds until the end.
He always writes back so I know he cares.
I just hope he don't murder Tony Blair.

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey, and he's alright.

Now this little Brit can be mean,
And in every e-mail he mention "Rage Against the Machine",
But he's still my friend because he's funny and cool.
I just hope he's doesn't short-circuit his keyboard with his drool.

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey, and he's alright.

(drum solo)

What's an American to do without a limey to show him the way?
His world will be dark, and he'll have nothing to say.
He'll just have to try and be happy with his riches and military might.
But without the limey around, IT WILL NEVER SEEM RIGHT!!
YEAAAAH!!!

(guitar solo)

HE'S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)

HE'S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)

And the world won't turn without him around.

They say there is a little limey in us all,
But we lose each time we go to the bathroom stall.
Whoever mothered this limey I'd like to thank her,
Though to him, himself, I have just one thing to say...

WANKER!

You're Friend,
American Frank

If you would like to continue to see future episode of The Limey, please e-mail Tony Pentin (tonypentin83@hotmail.com) to express how much you have enjoyed his letters and would like him to continue. Perhaps if he gets enough e-mails, he'll reconsider and keep on entertaining us all.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

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March 03, 2004
The Limey - Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter

* * * *

Note: To go with broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all vulgarity has been dubbed over. f'ing has been replaced with "fantabulous" when it's and adjective and "not at all" when it's an adverb. The s-word has been replaced with "wisdom". Finally, the p-word (rhymes with "stick") has been replaced with "doo-doo head".

In this episode, The Limey has failed now three times to enrage the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. Brimming with rage himself, The Limey now ups his ante even further in an attempt to anger his nemesis and prove him a fool. Bile in his throat, The Limey hastily taps at his keyboard his latest and most vile screed:

You really are starting to sound like a broken record, little man. Limey, limey, limey at the end of every fantabulous sentence, bomb, bomb, bomb, France, France, France - give it a fantabulous rest you bigotted nutcase! YOU PERSONALLY will never be the President - at least that's something. I know this upsets you.

Your sarcasm is terrible by the way. London - bit of a stereotype when you Americans think of England and that's the city that you chose to say I'm from. Nothing's changed there then. And I'm not from London. Or should that be LONDON, ENGLAND. Your filmakers always have to point out the country that the city is in don't they! Like Venice, ITALY and Moscow, RUSSIA. Edinburgh, SCOTLAND. And you know why? BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE IGNORANT BASTARDS!

Seeing as you want to talk about history here's one of those classic September 11th jokes for you...

Rudy Guiliani and George W. Bush are standing at ground zero after the towers had come down. A man from Grimsby walks over to them.
"Terrible this isn't it!" says the man.
"Yeah, tell me...I don't recognise your accent, son, you're definitely not from Texas. Where are you from?" asks redneck George.
"Ah, Grimsby."
"Grimsby?! I never heard of that. What state's that in?" asks the backwoodsman.
'Same state as this!"

Did that hit a nerve? Well, one things for certain those towers certainly got hit!BOOOOOOM!

So did your soldiers in 1970's Vietnam. You remember Vietnam? That war where you got hammered?

Hopefully sooner rather than later ETA (left-wing terrorist group in Spain that have been battling for independence since the days of your mate, Franco) will murder the Spanish Conservative government, and the IRA (another left-wing terrorist group) will butcher Blair and the Armed Revolutionary Forces of Colombia (FARC) - a socialist terrorist group will overthrow the fascist regime in Colombia and install democracy!!!!!

Great to see left-wing terrorists murdering right-wing politicians! Brilliant! We're fighting....and we'll win!

LOL!

You also mentioned or should that be dictated that you don't look at maps much...oh I'd never of known that would I? You're completely ignorant.

I see you looked up the word "Parody" in the dictionary - hope it was an Oxford Concise Dictionary - you know Oxford in south England - that city where that doo-doo head Clinton was educated!

I didn't bother looking at your fascist links to werismyki and jabberwocky. Your latest email was enough fascism for a lifetime!

All four members of Rage Against the Machine are from America - that country that you're from. So I don't know how you can say that it's foreigners who have the problem with America, when these men represented the views of most Americans. But you're completely not at all stupid so I guess that's why you say that usual wisdom!

Did you like my September 11th joke? The whole world did!

Now we go the backwoods abode of American Frank, as he receives the e-mail through his crude RJ-45 cable made of twine. Seeing himself insulted so and the belittling of terrorist attacks on his country, will this simple creature be able to respond with nothing but unbridled rage? Will The Limey finally succeed in causing a psychotic break down in American Frank? Watch now as he responds, typing out his reply on his keyboard whittled from the limb of a sycamore tree:

Hey! It's my limey pen pal! How's your limey friends? I've been having a great time here in America. I went shooting - which is fun - and then I laughed at the poor people I saw on my HDTV. HD means extra clarity and extra hilarity!

I'm sorry to say limey so much, but I've never had a limey friend like you! You're so cool and teach me so many new things! And I like bombs because the explosions are cool! I like it when we bomb poor countries, because then it's both funny and cool! Especially watching it all on my HDTV.

I don't like talking about France, limey, so I'll stop mentioning them. I really hate them and hope we can wipe out that subhuman race and never talk about them again.

I never thought of being president. It doesn't pay that well, so I think I'll take your advice and not go for it. I want to be a rich man and then pull the strings of politicians using all my money. That'll be lots of fun! Any laws you want me to pass when I'm rich and powerful, limey? What do limeys like to do anyway?

Wow! That's a lot of cities from other countries! How many other countries are there? I once thought Europe was just one country, but then I found it's a bunch of wacky smaller countries. That's silly. But it’s nice that they try and make cities for themselves. How many mud-huts do you have to have to be declared a city, limey?

I'm sorry, limey, but I didn't understand your joke. What's a Grimsby? I guess you need work at joke telling, limey. Want to here one of my jokes?

A monkey walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What are you doing in here, you monkey?"
And the monkey said, "Well, I'm..."
And then the monkey stopped talking because his head was blown off since the bartender shot the monkey with a shotgun since monkeys aren't supposed to be in bars.

Hee hee. Wasn't that funny? It had a monkey and a bar; that's what jokes are supposed to have, limey.

Yeah, that was terrible what happened on September 11th. Thanks for trying to lighten my mood with a joke, limey; that was nice of you. Luckily, all the people who died in 9/11 went to America Heaven, the best part of Heaven since Americans are God's chosen people. And they get to look down and foreigner hell and laugh at all the evil terrorists we killed since 9/11. Foreigner hell is a terrible place where they don't get to have any of America's cultural influence and thus have to make do with their own bankrupt culture. That's more horrible than I can imagine!

Do you know that some of those people nicknamed God "Allah"? I don't know if God likes being called nicknames, limey. If he does, I'd called him Mr. Big.

Yeah, Vietnam was trouble, limey. My dad fought in that war and he always said to me, "Now, boy, don't you worry none 'bout no Vietnam. We killed us plenty o' Commies, and we woulda killed 'em all if it weren't for them damn hippies. Now promise me, boy... promise me you'll punch a hippy anytime you see one."

And always, "I promise, pa. I won't let you down."

And I've kept my promise. My dad is a smart man. Do you have smart people where you live in London, limey?

Wow! I didn't know all those governments were going to be overthrown. Thanks for telling me, limey. I guess it doesn't affect me much, since it's all other countries. Poor Tony Blair, though; I hope they kill him quick. He seems like a nice guy, though I thought he seemed a bit gay. Ends up he's just British.

Oh, and you might want to be careful about that murdering, limey my pal. Most religious people look down on that sort of thing, and isn't there a National Church of Limeys where you are? You might to check with them before you go murdering.

Yeah, I don't like maps, limey. They're boring and full of weird words. I like treasure maps, though! If you have a treasure map, I'll look at that.

And please don't make fun of our bloated, lecherous, hillbilly president Clinton; American presidents are only for American to make fun of, limey. It's not right for other countries to have opinions about us; we're too big and important.

Ha! Almost tricked you into reading the fascist Jabberwocky poem, but you were too smart for me. It would have fascistized you in a second if you did. Actually the Jabberwocky is a huge symbol of fascism, used by the most fascist dictator of all, Fascist McFascist, ruler of Fascistan. The tales tell that he ruled his country with an iron fist, having many great apricot trees and keeping them all for himself. The poor people of Fascistan would plead, "Please gives us some apricots!" But Fascist McFascist would yell, "No!" and then send his guards to beat the poor people.
One day, though, Fascist McFascist found that all the apricots in Facistan were gone! So he went looking for them. First he questioned the sheep. "Did you take my apricots?"
"Baaa! No!" answered the sheep, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Next he questioned the field mice. "Did you take my apricots?"
"Squeak! Squeak! No!" said the field mice, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Then he went to question the cows, but, before he got there, he found that all the apricots with the United States Marine Corp, who then proceeded to shoot Fascist McFascist with their M-16's until all their magazines were empty. Then they traded the apricots for beer.

The moral of the story is that the only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines... but mainly just the Marines.

Hoped you liked my story, limey. Anyway, I'll have to listen to more of this Rage Against the Contraption music you talk about instead of just my country music and Christian rock (yay Jesus!). If they represent the views of most Americans, then I better listen up. Do you know if they prefer Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos? I always suspected one was fascist, but I can't figure out which, limey!

Well, like I said before, I didn't understand your joke, but I'm glad the rest of the world finds it funny. Living in squalor and filth and having no HDTV's, they must be in pretty sore moods most of the time. Maybe I should send them a big box of puppets to cheer them up. Or I could just laugh at them. Foreign people are funny.

Hope to hear back from you soon, limey! Don't go too crazy with the murdering.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. Actually, how are the leftists in other countries going to murder those they disagree with? I thought you couldn't have guns in all those countries in Europe. Here in America, the left just don't have guns because their pansies. Actually, just us right-wingers have guns. Come to think of it, we could easily all go on a murder-spree killing all the leftists here in the State and in Canada and in Europe with little resistance at all. Hmm... something to consider next time ammo is on sale.

Wanker.

Who will cave in first? Will American Frank respond with the unbridled rage The Limey so desires, or will The Limey finally get a clue? To find out, tune in to the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.5/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (131)
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March 02, 2004
Blimey Times Three!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 AM

Maybe I should start having a pool about how many e-mails (here is one and two for those joining us late) it takes until Tony Pentin gets a clue. I'm hoping a lot, because this stuff writes itself.

Anyhoo, once again vulgar nouns are replaced with "ronin", f'ing with "hippy-dippy", the s-word with "linguini", piss-off with "have a nice day", and the f-word with "I challenge". All for The Children™. Enjoy:

I'd already sent this email when I thought I'd better send it again with the red background to symbolise socialism. I bet you hate this! [Ed. Note: Sorry I couldn't do the red background of his e-mail for you. Just use your imagination.]

Well, I see you haven't changed in the last three days since you wrote your latest drivel! And neither has your countries stupid interventionalist foreign policy as you storm into Haiti like a bunch of macho bastards. What most surprises me is that Bush hasn't supported that fascist Aristide! And you self-gratifying bastards are only going there to protect your precious embassy!

You're a sick ronin! I was hoping the poor would invade Hollywood at the awards last night and make a speech!

Everything's bombing with you! If you're not on about bombing then you're on about bombing! Change the hippy-dippy tune! You sound like the backwoodsman rural hick that you are!

So it took you two emails to work out who Rage Against the Machine were? They were only one of the biggest bands in the world in the 90's you dumb ronin!

And what's this drivel about France should not be allowed their own foreign policy no matter what China says? I'm not from China so you've just lost your own argument you silly little boy! I'm not a communist - who was that who condemned North Korea in the last email? That was me! And your attitude is the reason why everybody hates your country - you're a bunch of self-important lying ronins that contradict yourselves!

Have a nice day redneck!

Remember what I was saying about American greed? Have a look at the lyrics to the brilliant parody by Rage Against the Machine for "Sleep Now in the Fire" which was done in 1999 as a warning that the linguini was gonna hit the fan if that ronin Bush was elected. It's a parody of that redneck murdering ronin known as Bush. Do you know what a parody is? It's when somebody imitates somebody else. Just thought I'd point that out.

Look at when Rage condemn the lack of democracy in your country with the brilliant lines "there is no other pill to take, so swallow the one that makes you ill". Very true. I mean there's many parties in America - the socialist parties and the environmental parties with people running for president but it's either the democrats or the republicans for everybody - as if nobody else exists.

Outstanding lines from THE LEFT.

www.musicfanclubs.org/rage/lyrics/sleep.htm

I CHALLENGE YOU YOU RONIN!

What can I possibly say to that...

Hey! It's Limey! Nice to hear from you. How are the folks? How is London? I thought I heard that it's being bombed by Germany again, but I might have just accidentally turned on the History Channel instead of Fox News.

The red background is pretty neat, but you need to use a lighter text color against it for better readability. Some reason I'm thinking yellow; I don't know why.

No, I haven't changed in past three days. The doctor said the meds will take at least two weeks before my body gets used to them, and then the voices should be more quiet. Thanks for caring, though, limey.

You're right about us liking to protect our embassies, limey. That's where we keep our gold and diamonds we still from the indigenous people. As soon as that is secured, we'll get out of there and leave the people to fester in their misery just as you want, so don't worry, limey. No more being all macho for us.

No, the poor didn't invade Hollywood; we keep them too starving to have energy for riots. That's called strategery. Lord of the Rings won best picture though, and it was a great film about killing evil people... just like America does! And it was filmed in New Zealand (what happened to the old Zealand?) which I think is near where you live, limey. I don't look at maps much, though, because they're just full of other countries which don't serve much purpose to us.

I didn't mean to imply that an upstanding, red socialist like you might have anything to do with Communsim, limey. I was just saying I don't care about China’s opinion the same as I don't care about the evil, genocidal French. I think we'll have war with them next; won't that be fun! I wonder if we can make the Eiffel Tower fall on something. They just better film it, or the war will be for nothing. Does France have much oil, BTW?

And you don't like rednecks? I thought you liked red, limey?

Thanks for telling what a parody is, limey my friend. I've heard all about those and they sound fun. Maybe I'll try one of these days. Will you tell what you think about it? I always wanted the opinion of a limey.

Wow! Those lyrics are cool and symbolic. They’re almost as good as the lyrics from Toby Keith's (was he in Angry at the Machine before they broke up?) "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue". Look at this line:

"And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass
It's the American way"

It's symbolic, because we're not actually putting any boots up any one's ass, but instead are going to bomb the crap out of them and shoot them with bullets (though some of our enemies may get pegged with tracer rounds; won't that be funny). Here's the rest of it with more symbolism just like the Machine Ragers.

http://www.werismyki.com/writings/angry_american.html

I hope you enjoy.

Cordially,
Stupiud Bastrad
http://imao.us

P.S. Another thing with great symbolism is the poem the Jabberwocky.

http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/jabber/jabberwocky.html

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."

I think if you look at it carefully, it's a commentary about how unfair our social class system is and that the oppression of the poor can't go on forever. Or, maybe I'm just reading it all wrong and it's actually about how small your penis is.

Wanker.

I bet every blogger wants their own pet limey now.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (219)
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February 27, 2004
Blimey! He Returns!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM

Now, I've had a couple responses to my responses to hate mail, and so far the person has always calmed down in the second e-mail as wasn't quite so crazy. Not Tony Pentin, though. My e-mail seems to have made him even crazier. All profanity that's a noun meant to be me was replaced with "ronin" except for dickhead which I replaced with "genius". Also, f'ing was replaced with "lovely". An addition f'word was replaced with "cheetos". Once again, this was all for The Children™

Well, well, well I see you know how to spell. I suppose that's an achievement for an American. Lots of you can't spell and don't know anything about the world - your email re-enforced all of that!

As for not letting other countries have access to the internet - think again ronin, even those tosser communists in North Korea have access to it!

Your stupidity is evident from calling me a limey atleast ten times in the last email before actually ending with you asking me what a limey is!!!! You said it not me! Look to the first paragraph about not knowing anything about world history! Lol!

When I said Bush is history, I was talking about the elections in November! What are you a redneck or something? Are you miles from anywhere? Cut off from society like a lovely backwoodsman that shags all his relatives!

Laughing at the poor? Oh, that's really fair isn't it! Why? What's the point? Why doesn't your right-wing small-minded brain broaden its mind and stop lying? The world hates bastards like you. Bush bombed Iraq - I bet he doesn't even know where the cheetos Iraq is. Oh, just for the record it's in the middle east - near Iran - you know that country that you helped Iraq wage war against in the early 80's under that fascist Ronald Reagan! You created Saddam Hussain you stupid dumb bastard! GO AND READ A LOVELY BOOK BEFORE PRETENDING TO BE AN EXPERT! LOOK IT UP YOU STUPIUD BASTRAD!

Oh, and Michael Moore = Good man and he gets his funding from Canada so it doesn't look like you'll stop the Left from exposing the evils of your hardline economic system of capitalism. Remember it's that system which puts 45 milliion people without access to health care. 35 MILLION IN POVERTY - THAT'S ABOUT 1 IN 8. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN 1 IN 8. AND AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE? THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SAY! JUSTIFY THAT RONIN!

And Rage Against the Machine was a left-wing rock band from 1991 to 2001. Three of the four band members formed Audioslave after RATM split up. You really are cut off from society in rural Texas aren't you! You complete genius!

And France is completely entitled to an independent foreign policy that is completely different to yours. Spain said that. Britain said that. Australia said that. Those three countries supported your arsehole government last March in the war so your argument doesn't stand up. The Russians said that, the Chinese, the Candians, the Germans - the list goes on ronin!

Au revoir and grow up you immature little boy.

LOL!

Now let's see if I can fire another one right over his head.

Cool! Now we're like pen pals, limey. You confused me in your first paragraph, though. First you complimented me on my spelling, and then you say I reinforced that Americans can't spell. I'm not saying you’re inconsistent, though - I'm just pointing it out - so don't get all crazy and limey on me.

You're right about North Korea; they're an internet access paradise. You can't swing a starving peasant in North Korea without hitting a cyber-cafe. Thanks for pointing that out, limey.

And I thought limey was a term of endearment, I just used that to make you comfortable, you rascally limey. See? We're like friends.

Hey, you know about our elections, limey! Good for you! Those are for us big boys only, though, and you'll notice that at the polling places there will be big signs saying, "No Limeys". Actually, if there is any evidence of a limey being involved in an election, it all gets thrown out.

And what am I lying about, limey my friend? I really do laugh at the poor. They're funny. Every seen any? Sometimes they juggle.

Thanks for pointing out that Canadians are funding Michael Moore to help undermine America, limey. I'll report that to the authorities so that they bomb Canada and kill Michael Moore. The only problem will be what to do with his bloated corpse. I'd say the sea, but I wonder what ill effects it might have on sea life. If you have any idea, please tell me, limey. You've already been great help as it is, though.

And stop looking at the glass as 1/8 empty; instead, look at it as 7/8 full. That's 7/8 of nearly 300 million people who aren't poor and thus I don't laugh at. You have to admit that's pretty nice of me, limey. I could also be laughing at the lower middle-class, but I don't.

Oh! Rage Against the Machine the music group! I now understand, limey. Their songs are pretty cute, but they all sound the same. Maybe they wouldn't have had to break up if they sounded less angry and did more Barry Manilow covers.

I'm afraid we can't let France have their own foreign policy, no matter what Communist dictators in China say. France hates all mankind, and they need to be foiled. Plus, they smell. Luckily America always stands up and controls all conflicts in the world, thus keep us from becoming blowed up. Isn't that great, limey?

Hope to hear back from you. You’re my favorite limey friend!

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. I don't usually like to point out someone's spelling errors, as no one is expected to proof check their e-mails to the highest degree, but, when calling someone a "stupid bastard", you might want to try and spell at least one of those words correctly... unless, of course, you were trying to demonstrate that you are a "STUPIUD BASTRAD" yourself, and thus know one from experience.

Wanker.

I also got this hate mail:

What a moron you are! Oh well, it's a free country. Mr. Lucas

I wonder what that was about? I hope it wasn't Rachel Lucas's father.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (112)
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February 26, 2004
Blimey! A Limey!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM

Just as I was about to go to work, I decided to check my e-mail one more time, and then I found this e-mail from Tony Pentin who ends up being a limey! To make this appropriate for The Children™, I've replaced the f-word with "hug" and "wax", alternately replaced "off" with "on", replaced "Rage Against the Machine" with "The Backstreet Boys", and replaced the song "Sleep Now In The Fire" with "The Good Ship Lollipop."

You are clearly an extreme right-wing religious, fascist, lying, stupid, Hitler sympathising, Ku-Klux Klan loving, sexist, racist, ageist, anti-gypsy/travellers bigoted, completely ignorant, arrogant lunatic nutcase who represents everything that is wrong with your country. You are the kind of prick that looks at places such as Alabama, inner city California and other places where there is terrible poverty and blames the poor. You bastard! There is 35 million people in your country in poverty - the country that you call the land of the free. 1 in 8 in poverty! Free and America - they're oxymorons!!! Complete propaganda! There is 45 MILLION without access to health care. Ever see The Backstreet Boy's video "The Good Ship Lollipop" in 1999 two years before they split up? I bet you want the four of them shot! And I bet you're gonna marry that evil cow Ann Coulter!

Oh, and one more thing - you can say goodbye to Bush cos he's history.

Go hug yourself...even better go and read some books you anti-left dangerous reactionary! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON!

I'm from England but I suppose I'm just a limey in your eyes!

Here is my response:

First I have the spam e-mails, then the e-mails generated by worms, and now e-mails from limeys! This is too much. The internet was supposed to be a world-wide resource of information, and, to keep it that way, we should have never let other countries have access to it... especially limeys.

First off, could you give me some context as to what set this off, you random limey? Do you only have 20 minutes a day out of the asylum, you crazy limey? Did you react negatively to my stance on the fiduciary policy of the Polynesian Islands?

Oh, I know. I disagree with you on something so I have to like Hitler, you bigoted limey. Know who else thought everyone who disagreed with him must like Hitler? Hitler, thar’s who, you Nazi limey!

And what in the God's name are you talking about with "anti-gypsy/travellers"? Did I just miss the huge gypsy/traveler debate here in America, you ignorant limey?

And I don't blame the poverty on the poor; I just simply laugh at them. I never really thought about what the cause is. You seem to know a lot about it... maybe you're behind it, you evil limey!

And what's this about raging against machines? If the snack machine fails to give you your Twix bars, there should be a number on the machine to call to get a refund. There is no reason to "rage", you stupid limey.

And what do you mean Bush is history? Are you threatening him, you violent limey? I'll report this to Secret Service:

"Some slimy limey is threatening the president!"

And they'll say: "Thanks. We'll send out our limey execution squad."

And then it will be a complete limey holocaust, so watch it, bucko.

And what's with all the swearing? Do you eat crumpets with that mouth, you grimy limey?

Anyway, thanks for the input.

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. What exactly does limey mean? Is it like an insult? I once put a lime in my bottle of Corona, but then I was like, "Why in God's name am I drinking Corona? I want Guinness!" I hear that if you try putting lime into Guinness, a bunch of Irishmen will suddenly appear and beat you up. Could you try it and see if some Irishmen beat you up... I mean other than the ones who usually do.

Wanker.

That should send his limey brain into a loop.

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (95)
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February 12, 2004
I Disagree With You, So You Must Be Murderous
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 AM

I've gotten lots of neat things from my readers, but, for the first time, I've gotten free psychological advice sent in by an E. Harrington:

You are a really SICK individual, and you are suffering from at least one diagnosable psychiatric illness judging only from your writings- narcissistic personality disorder. The same disorder that Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and many serial killers such as Ted Bundy had.

This is not about politics here. It's about your mental illness.
You, sir, are a natural born killer.

An e-mail that helpful can't go without a response:

Kick ass! I've never been called a natural born killer before. I once thought of joining the Marines, but decided against it since boot camp looked hard.

Oh, and I think "This is not about politics here. It's about your mental illness." might work better as one sentence with the two thoughts separated by a semicolon. That's just a stylistic thing, so take it or leave it.

Anyway, thanks for the free psychological advice; I know that can usually cost tons of money (notice the semicolon; works well, huh?). The problem is I often get e-mails from crackpots, so - and I hope you don't take any offense - I had to check on your claim. I happen to have a DSM-IV from when I took Abnormal Psychology in college, and, lo and behold, here's entry 301.81:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

So you didn't make it up. Now, there's a list of nine symptoms, and I have to check if I fit at least five of them. Let's take a look-see:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Here's my problem: what are "commensurate achievements"? I think I've done plenty to be recognized as superior. If someone doesn't recognize me as superior from the work on my website, then he or she has to be pretty stupid.

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love

Preoccupied with fantasies? I call that having ambition.

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Well I am special; my mom told me so. And I can only be understood by other special people... those being my readers.

(4) require excessive admiration

I don't know if I require it, since I've always had admiration. But what's excessive? I mean, it's usually just people recognizing the fact that I'm superior which seems apropos.

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

People should do as I say because I'm smarter than them; that's just logical.

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Isn't that why others exist?

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Screw others; they're not me.

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

I'm not jealous of anyone... especially not that talentless Scrappleface who get more traffic than me. And why is believing others are envious of you bad when it is true? I am a comic genius; of course others are envious.

(9) show arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

The only thing is I don't see the murderousness in that disorder that you seem to imply is there. Hmm...

Anyway, while the DSM-IV loves to point out problems, it's not big on solutions. Like, let's say I do have a narcissistic personality disorder; can I take anti-narcissism pills for that? And is that enough to qualify me as insane to get away with murder?

"For killing eight people, Frank J., I sentence you to one week of therapy to make you less self-absorbed."

And does it qualify as a disability?

"I'm narcissistic; give me free money!"

That's what I need to know E. Harrington. Anymore psychological advice would be appreciated, you lowly maggot who is beneath my contempt (that's the narcissism talking, so ignore that).

Cordially,
Frank J.

So, do I seem narcissistic to you guys? (say no or I'll murder you)

Rating: 2.5/5 (78 votes cast)

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February 06, 2004
Dave Barry Responds
Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 PM

Here's the response I got to my earlier hate mail:

Frank --

Not only that, but soon I will find out where you live and come to your
house and EAT YOUR FOOD AND DRINK YOUR BEER HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sincerely,

Dave "Wal-Mart" Barry

power-crazed giant humor conglomerate

I guess I need to work on my intimidation skills. I'm going to go sit on my couch and stare at the wall where my T.V. was.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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January 27, 2004
Q. What Do Glenn Reynolds and Frank J. Have in Common?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 PM

A. We both are horribly abusive to children and want to control women.

I guess that needs some explanation.

Prof. Reynolds mentioned there was a article in Wired magazine about him, and I checked it out to see if they asked any hard hitting questions about his energy drink preferences. Instead, it was a list of his favorite sites. Through some typographical error, IMAO was omitted, but one that was listed was Technorati. I had completely forgotten about that site, relying on trackback pings to find out who is talking about me.

Anyhoo, I plugged imao.us into Technorati and found a blog called "A TCS Blog" that had this to say:

Attachment Parenting is excellent and quite TCS with regards to infants. And when Alice or Camille support it, they are very quick to mention the aspects of it which they disagree with. When providing links to Instapundit or IMAO, however, they rarely add qualifiers like "Just try to ignore the fact that he's horribly abusive to children and wants to control women."

To which I say, "Gwa?"

And what is TCS?

Actually, I know a little bit about it since, incidentally, Camille chastised me a long time ago about a post she thought was demeaning to children (I think this was the post).

Well, I'm not sure what Dan of A TCS Blog really means, so I do not yet cry "muckadoo", but I would like to clarify my position on women and children:

I would very much like to control women (who wouldn't?), but they are way too moody and emotional for that. Also, I think children are stupid and should be demeaned and patronized. If you think that is abuse - whatever; I don't care. I was once a child, so I know from experience they are very dumb. If it weren't for my parents patronizing me and talking down to me, I'd have probably stuck my fingers in an electrical socket while drinking sweet, sweet Drano. Actually, I think anyone younger than me is dumb and should be looked down upon intellectually. You hear that, 23 year olds? You're dumb.

If those views offend anyone who believes in TCS, well, TS.

Sometimes I don't care if anyone else finds this funny; I crack myself up.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

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January 26, 2004
Muckadoo, I Cry; Muckadoo!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM

Some guy compares my humor unfavorably to some other guy I've never heard of. Well, this jackass reminds me of George Meredith; loves to analyze humor in a pompous tone while actually being as funny as drowning puppies (actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle gurgle).

That's right; I went there. I compared you to George Meredith, muckadoo.

BTW, I have earned enough this month from my blog to pay my cable bill, and it, including a cable modem and the digital package, is quite a large bill. So take that, you doubter!

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

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November 16, 2003
The 'J' in Frank J. Stands for Joooo!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM

Look at this e-mail I got from someone named Charles:

Frank:
Dude your humor is bogus. Are you a jew? Thought so.

I think I'm the victim of anti-Semitism! Being Catholic, this has never happened to me before; what do I do?

I bet this is all from calling that liberal a muckadoo, too. Man, that's just how things have fallen apart these days: if you call a liberal a muckadoo, you'll soon have Nazis after you who hate you because you're a Jew even if you're Catholic.

Rating: 1.7/5 (12 votes cast)

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November 11, 2003
Syria Fuels the Brain
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM

Here is a comment from Mars in response to my Know Thy Enemy: Syria piece (this is a cut and past with no edits):

Have you got nothing better to do then talk about Syria?
A place no doubt you know F_____ all about.
If wasn't for Syria your brain will stop working.
France have a great thing to offer mainly some common sense and just being human like every body else.
These macho craps about kicking ass how munch of English and American stupidity does carry, can't you any fuller of bull shit.
Like if England and America is perfect.
More this idiot Bush who classed Sharon as a man of peace, that really goes to show the level of intelligent he carry.
He was proven stupid until 9/11; it was his lucky day it made him looks intelligent.
If all of you hate the ME so much why don't you go back and stay where you belong.

NEW FUN FACTS ABOUT SYRIA

* Syrians has a not good grasp of the English.

* In addition to sponsoring terrorism, they like to whine when you say mean things about them.

* They apparently believe that mental functioning derives from Syria.

* They admire Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and France.


And one last thing: I don't think England and America are perfect... just America.

Rating: 1.8/5 (10 votes cast)

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October 24, 2003
It's Hard to Get Everyone to Hate You
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 PM

Look at this nasty letter I got from someone named Emily:

You wouldn't happen to be American would you? If so, go back making everyone in the world hate you. After all, it's what you do best...besides bombing countries and killing thousands of innocent people. Oh yeah, you might want to think twice about the government you elect, they seem to be making you guys a bit unpopular with the rest of the world. But who needs popularity when you have all the blood money you need. You sack of monkey ass.

With that last line, she really knows how to make it hurt. Here is my response:

Dear Emily, Actually, despite our best efforts, we can't get everyone to hate us. Israel likes us and probably always will since we share the love of killing terrorists. Also, when the U.N. recently voted to condemn Israel, it was 144-4 for that measure, with the U.S., Israel, the Marshall Islands, and Micronesia voting against. So, apparently the Marshall Islands and Micronesia still like us, as apparently we can't even find them to piss them off. Any ideas? And do you think if we piss off countries enough, they'll refuse our foreign aid out of principal? I would like to use that money for more cruise missiles. I like cruise missiles because they fly and go boom.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Rating: 1.6/5 (11 votes cast)

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October 16, 2003
I Still Hate Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM

My original hate mail to Michael Moore was so popular, I've decided to write an even more rambling and hatening hate mail to him in celebration of his new book that came out this week. You think you're ready for it? Well, here it is, fresh from being e-mailed to the pant-load himself:

You probably remember me from the previous most hatingest hate mail ever, but now I'm so mad, I'm gonna top even that one. I'm going to do my best to put pure hate in word form so that you know exactly the amount of hatred for you. And don't go saying I'm "booing the booers"; this is directed right at you, Moore-on! (yeah, I stole that from someone else)

I have some ground rules, though. What I hate you for is your rhetoric, so I'm not going to mention how fat you are. That doesn't reflect on your ideas, and this should be about how idiotic your ideas are and not about how fat and ugly you are. Since the putrid rhetoric you have is so awful, it demands as much condemnation as possible, and thus any mention of how you are fat, ugly, and smell like a baboon would only detract from that... and I don't know for a fact that you smell like a baboon, anyway. I only assume that from the pictures of you where you look like a hobo and have this smile that says, "I just let out a big stinky one and I don't care!"

But now I'm getting off topic, you fat, fat, ugly man.

Fat. Fat. Fat.

Ugly.

Fat.

Smells like a baboon.

Oh, and another ground rule: bringing up your poor shaving habits is fair game because that's just sloppy of you. I'm not going to bring it up, though, because it's not the strongest point to hit you with.

BTW, if you do improve your shaving habits, could you tell me what electric razor you choose because I'm not very satisfied with the one I have now. I'd appreciate it.

Where was I?

Oh yeah; hatred! Hatred for your idiotic viewpoints on... oh man, I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. Don't worry, I wrote some notes. They're on my desk somewhere... While I'm looking for them, have you been watching the playoffs? Looks like those poor Cubs are never going to make it to the World Series. That’s the trouble with those goats: They’ll curse your baseball team forever and they bite sometimes. I wouldn’t eat goat meat, though, because…

Now I remember what I was going to talk about! It's your tinfoil hat fantasies about how the Bush administration is out to take away your rights and ship your fat ass... sorry... you to Guantanamo. I know it makes you think you’re important to believe you're battling the "evil" Bush to save the world, but why can't you be courteous like the rest of the rejects by playing out your fantasies by rolling ten sided dice in some basement instead of trying to inflict it on the rest of us? Hell, you could make up some roll playing game and pretend to fight back against his administration since your whole concept of the world seems to be imaginary anyway. Maybe instead it could be a computer game where you hide from the wrath of the evil Ashcroft who flies around on his black dragon, zapping people with his Patriot Act powers. It would probably play best as some sort of strategy game, where you try to spread the "truth" to the people while avoid capture from Bush's forces. Actually, with all the wackadoos out there, there would be probably be a pretty good market for such a game...

Don’t you dare steal my computer game idea, you fat bastard! That's my idea! I swear to God that if I now see you come out with some "Fight Bush" computer game, I will hit you on the head with a two-by-four! Well, don't hold me to that... but I will hit you with some cut of lumber based on what is conveniently available.

Know what; I've lost focus again. I'm supposed to be talking about how much I hate you and why.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

Think. Think. Think.

Ah! The reason I hate you is because you are such a self-righteous arrogant idiot who apparently has no idea how out of touch he is with anyone else who isn't a drooling, leftist, muckadoo. And the reason that is so bad is... well.... I guess it's just annoying. But what it could lead to is... no, I don't think it is going to lead to anything actually.

Hold on a second; I have to think.

Okay, so basically you say a bunch of annoying tripe which is eaten up by other useless people, but, despite your wacky contentions that most people actually agree to you, you are on the fringe of people on the fringe. You have pretty much no chance of affecting any major public policy. And, even if you did, I have a shotgun. Come to think of it, you're not worthy of hate. You're just an annoying little fly, and all I need to do about you is to ignore you, despite how your largeness, ugliness, and baboon like smell may try and grab my attention.

Actually, I pity you. You’re so lost in your self-righteous fantasies, that, in the end, you must be a sad, lonely, frustrated man. Maybe some therapy or some pills could help you. I'd suggest electroshock therapy for the depression, but the amount of juice needed to electrify your corpulent body might cause another blackout in New York City.

Pitiful, pitiful Moore. There is nothing about you to be threatened by, and there is nothing to envy about you... oh wait, you have millions of dollars. I want millions of dollars! Well, at least I'm not fat, ugly, nor smell like a baboon.

BTW, if you liked that computer game idea I mentioned, I'll need an investor. Have your people talk to my people.

Who am I kidding; I don't have people. Just e-mail me.

Keep in touch,
Frank J.

Hmm, I seemed to have ran out of hate around the end there. Well, you just never know how a rambling hate mail will go, and that is part of their mystery.

Rating: 2.7/5 (45 votes cast)

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October 15, 2003
Me No Like Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM

I thought everybody loved my two-parter The Demoncrat, but, according to this comment left on the first half, I was wrong:

you suck
you pice [sic] of crap right wing dope
no offence [sic]
Kevin [sick]

And he didn't leave a real e-mail so I could respond to him on the intelligent points of debate he brought up. Aw fooey.

UPDATE: A reader mentioned that maybe it's from Kevin Drum. Do the writing styles look the same to you?

Rating: 1.5/5 (10 votes cast)

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October 03, 2003
Meet Tulio
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM

Lou Tulio has taken the time to comment to my last seven posts. Here they are for quick reference (the f-word has been replaced with "bless" and a-holes with "ronin" to make it appropriate to children):

Insane?

No, unfortunately. Just a dumb-blessed wingnut ronin.

What an unfunny story, nazi pig.

Bless you.

* * * *

You Nazi cultleader, Elvis Limbaugh has feet of clay. Don't you feel stupid, ronin?

* * * *

Why don't you all just sign up and go risk your lives in Iraq, chickenhawk blowhard cowards?

* * * *

Unfunny treasonous ronin: you are a scourge on America.

* * * *

Flightsuit Bill Whittle: Airplane mechanic with delusions of grandeur and bloated prose style.

Bless you, Bill Whittle, Nazi puppet.

* * * *

Hey Frank, Treason Apologist:

You're stupid.

Bless you.

* * * *

Go enlist, blowhards.

Time for pop psychology!

So, is Tuilio's writing a result of kneejerk anger, or did he think he would accomplish something (I assume it wasn't to entertain us as actually happened).

And what do you think he meant by treason?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

And just for future reference, no one is allowed to bad mouth Whitler on my site other than myself.

Rating: 2.5/5 (77 votes cast)

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September 05, 2003
Odio Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM

I found this comment to my Know Thy Enemy: Hamas post by a Tupac Amaru:

Seguro que tu eres un pinche gringo puñetero que no tiene nada mas que hacer parte de huevear de la lucha por libertad por los palestinos. Si tu no estuvieras un cabron culeao, tal vez tu podria tener amigos parte de los perros que te aman solamente porque hueles como un jamon. HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE Y VIVA LATINOAMERICA! UNIDOS VENCEREMOS CONTRA LOS PINCHES GRINGOS PUÑETERAZOS. SI QUIEREN PAZ HABRA PAZ, PERO SI QUIEREN GUERRA, NO TENEMOS MIEDO A LA GUERRA

So I was like, "Wow! Even Spanish speaking people love IMAO!", but then I got back this translation from Margarita, official IMAO translator:

Surely you are a asshole gringo that has nothing more to do than bother with the fight for the liberty of the palestinians. If you weren't such a horse's ass, you could have friends other than the dogs that love you only because you are an ass. UNTIL THE VICTORY AND LIVE THE LATINOAMERICANOS FOREVER. TOGETHER WE WILL CONQUER THE GRINGO ASSHOLES. IF YOU WANT PEACE, THEN THERE WILL BE PEACE, BUT IF YOU WANT WAR, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF FIGHTING!

Hey! That wasn't a very nice thing to say at all!

Since I don't know how well the guy's English skills are, I've decided to write back to him in Spanish. I've been wanting to learn that language, and now is a good time for practice. Unfortunately, I only know one verb, "es", but hopefully through capitalization and exclamation points, I can get my emotion across by using every single Spanish word I know:

El pollo diablo es agua chimichanga, muchacho! Loco queso es MORTE OCHO!

Que?

Andale. Andale.

Arriba! Arriba!

YEE-HAH!

Grazie,
Frank J.

That'll learn him. I'll tell you if he responds.

Rating: 1.3/5 (7 votes cast)

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August 27, 2003
When it Rains, it Pours
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM

I just said I don't get much hate mail, but now I've got some more. First off, I got this e-mail:

Please dude tell me are you a leftie or a righty. Are you taking the piss out of Bush, or really, deeply stupid, I've just got to know.

So my choices are to either "take the piss" out of Bush or to be stupid. I inquired back to the writer whether he is stupid so I have a reference.

Then I made a gun nut angry (you don't want to make gun nuts angry). In the comments of my post of gun calibers, this comment was left (edited for bad words):

Who the f--k told this guy that guns were for killing? Are all arrows for killing? How about all darts or blowguns?

Whatever jackass thinks this article is worth a f--k needs to shove his opinion squarely where it came from. The last thing I need as a gun owner and advocate is some jackoff describing cartridges with adjectives like "kill'n activator".

Guns don't kill with bullets any more than people kill with instruments. This asshat should stfu, he's not helping educate anyone. I've got more problems defending my Title II ownership than I care to deal with, and I don't need the dregs of society equating what I do with "kill'n".

I'm anon because I'm not in the mood to answer illogical flames or trolls.

Oh, and .380 is a serious caliber 'eh? Idiot. I could illustrate this with a wet Navy overcoat, but I digress. This post is to address the jackass who feeds the liberal media more tripe to show the soccerm--s.

Wouldn't it be cool if the liberal media actually paid me any attention? And making fun of my poor .380 caliber just because it's too small to defend itself is pretty low.

Let me make this clear: Guns are for killing.

When the first gun was invented, Bob did not say, "Wow! This will be great for putting holes in paper!" He said, "Cool! Let's kill sumt'n!"

And, if I got a gun and it wasn't good at killing people, I'd march right back to the firearm store and say, "This gun is defective; it won't kill people. Could I exchange it for something more adept at the killing of man?"

Sure, there are target pistols, but the original point of those was to train yourself for better killing with other guns. Sure most people only use guns for target practice these days (well, and a lot of hunt'n which involves kill'n) but most guns are still made with kill'n in mind. They are not just a long distance version of a hole puncher. I ain't gonna deny reality so the liberals feel less threatened (I want them more threatened... more!).

Anyway, it seems there is some concern that dumb people will stumble onto my site and misinterpret things (and it has happened already). That was especially a concern of my White Glenn is a Nazi joke, that some idiots would stumble on to this and think, "Glenn Reynolds actually is a Nazi!". I’m thinking of putting a warning on each page that IMAO is about satire, but it is not always crystal clear on what is the parody, so this site is not meant for dumb people. Since dumb people deserve entertainment too, I could then link to an alternate site for them, something with blinking colors and dancing hamsters maybe.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

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August 26, 2003
At Least She Didn't Say Anything About My Momma
Posted by Frank J. at 11:42 AM

I hadn't gotten any good hate mail in a while, but suddenly I got this juicy one:

Your embarassing style of "look at me" loserhood, your political beliefs, your "I'm so into violence and bumper stickers, I wish I had the balls to put 88 and 14 words on my website" can all be analysed, broken down and directly attributed to the same cause.

Your father was a wimp.

Damn! Attacking my old man even. That ain't right.

Anyone confused about the reference to numbers, that has something to do with Neo-Nazi symbolism I believe (it was brought up once on Best of the Web). If anyone could enlighten us in the comments section, it would be appreciated.

Now, I've heard people call my father many things, but not a wimp. They guy is a Vietnam Vet, used to repossess cars in South Central L.A., and, even though he's getting up in the years, I bet he could still kick my ass. But, I'm assuming who wrote this probably ran into one thing on my site and isn't very familiar with what I write as a whole, so let's play pretend.

I'll set the scene: Along with humorous commentary on my blog, I also share stories about my dad's courageous battle with Parkinson's disease. So, when I get an e-mail calling my father a wimp, I assume the person had been reading my site and is making fun of my father's condition. Thus, I respond first with confusion and sadness followed by righteous anger.

Action!

I don't follow all you're talking about, but why in the world would you insult my father? I share stories of his fight against Parkinson's to give strength to others, not so some degenerate can insult him about it. I've never been so disgusted. -Frank

Short and simple. I'll tell you if she responds.

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

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May 20, 2003
Canada Still Sucks
Posted by Frank J. at 07:25 AM

For some reason, every once in a while an old post gets discovered by some wackos and commented on. That happened to this post about Canada (which, incidentally, was later adapted to my brief history of Canada), on which I now find a number of comments such as:

F**k you all mother f**king bitches who made this site the reason we wont support you sick ass f**ks in the Iraqi war is becuase we dont want to die and canada kicks ass and america sucks is my best friend and hes rite u bombed us u stupid f**ks you guys are fukin stupid ass bitches who still live with their moms and cant even afford a 1984 Toyota Corrola Sprinter Trueno and all you gay ass bitchs love da cock well we here are prety much straight you guys have guys on your cocks then all the american chicks will start to like mother fuking girls you gay ass mother f**kers f**ks stop dissin us you f**k ass homos nothing gives you that right and If I ever found you I would beet the f**king shit outta you f**king gay ass homos you guys are gay ass computer nerds who still cant afford that 1984 Toyota Corrala Sprinter Trueno as in all shut the f**k up u bitches and get f**king job DUMBASSES.

!AMERICA SUCKS AND F**KS DICK!

From Infinity Zero

I decided to edit only the swear word he spelled correctly. Just click on the post if you really want to see the rest of the comments.

Anyway, only one commenter left an e-mail, so I e-mailed him and left this warning in the comments:

Thank you for your interest in IMAO.us, and you are certainly free to read it anytime you want, but I need to remind of the Information on the Internet Act (Resolution 756). This resolution was developed in mind to keep the internet full of information that could be useful to other people, and it was thus determined by committee that Canada has no useful information and, though they are free to read America's internet, they are not allowed to post any information on the internet as it will simply clutter and obscure useful things that people like Americans may have to say. You'll probably get a warning for the first offense, but, if you continue offending, your IP will be banned and your neighborhood saturation bombed. I know this may anger you so much you'll break your hockey sticks, but, remember, this is to help keep the internet as a useful information tool for everyone in the world.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

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May 06, 2003
E-mail Response
Posted by Frank J. at 03:09 PM

When I wrote back to those defending Michael Moore, I didn't get a response from mm lover, but I did from Chris Ball. For the sake of completeness, here it is:

Talking of bombing countries, Britain would be a great place to bomb next. We have all the ingredients needed. Crazy leader, plenty of weapons of mass destruction and we've just produced a couple of suicide bombers therefore proving our links with Osama. Saying that, I think America possesses one or two of these traits too.

We've also got oil, apparently it is running out so whoever wants it needs to take action and quick.

On your other points, American's probably aren't as bad as I first made out. Mind, you certainly are a bunch of crazy buggers even if you mean well
with it.

Thanks for your response.

Chris

Crazy bunch of buggers who mean well. I'll accept that.

Arkat plagiarized followed the meme of my filthy lies. He ended up getting an Instalance, and since he linked to me in the post, I got a piece of the action. When I e-mailed him a little thank you, I CC'd to Glenn Reynolds and got this sinister response:

The beauty of this, of course, is that if anyone ever comes up with *real* incriminating pictures of me, nobody will believe them.

He's using my filthy lies to his own advantage! I'll have to come up with the filthiest lie of all this Saturday to show him.

BTW, there is now an animated .gif of Reynolds dancing added to the last filthy lie.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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May 02, 2003
Some People Like Michael Moore!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM

My hate mail to Michael Moore (of which I never did get a deserving response) was probably my most popular post yet, judging from the number of links to it and the how many positive comments were left with it. But, I just checked again, and the last two comments are not very positive at all!

Chris Ball wrote:

If ever I needed reminding, reading the Michael Moore article reminded me why I hate Americans. What a bunch of twats you really are. Mr Moore is surely a rarity as he is an American who has more than two brain cells. At least the rest of the World (excluding Israel and Poodle Blair) understand what a dangerous nation America is. Of course, the majority of you wouldn't realise this because of the old lack of brain cells. At least your current fear of all things non American will keep the majority of you gun loving, God fearing, black hating, crazy Republicans out of Europe. Long may it continue.

Encouraged, mm lover wrote:

WAY TO GO CHRIS BALL!!! The letter to Michael Moore was anything but humorous. I kept waiting for it to get "hysterically funny."

"But he's fat and ugly!" What profound comments Frank. Freaking HILARIOUS! At least Michael Moore has something intelligent to say about the terrible state that America is in, whether you agree with it or not, you should respect other opinions, instead of stooping lower than low.

But instead you'll continue being narrowminded, you'll keep living in this website BUBBLE where America's foreign policy is A-ok.

Why are you so TERRIFIED of him? Could it be because part of what Michael Moore says it the cold hard truth? Wake up! USA is a corporate free market disaster! I feel sick knowing this time of apathetic attitude still exists.

And YES, as Chris Ball was saying, you're playing into the "dumb American" stereotype perfectly by being so closed off. If only you know what the world really thought of you.

They left their e-mail's, so, of course, I decided to engage them in a scholarly discussion:

Thank you for your comments in response to my Michael Moore hate mail, Chris Ball and mm lover. You brought up some great points, so I wanted to respond. For the sake of convenience, I'm going to refer to you respectively as Cheech and Chong, so please keep in mind who you are to avoid confusion.

Now, Cheech, you are quite right, the rest of the world realizes what a dangerous nation America is, which is why most of them don't write us hate mail (we are gun-loving as you like to point out, and God knows we haven't nuked something in ages are just itching to do so). And you are quite right that Michael Moore is a man who has more than two brain cells; it requires a much more complicated mass of neurons to be able to make loud noises through his vocal cavity like he does. As for us being black hating and God-fearing (never heard that used as an insult before), I have a funny anecdote about that. The other day I saw this black man, and I was like, "Black man! I hate you!"

And he said, "But I'm Korean!"

So I yelled back, "Serves you right, you crazy black man!" I was about to go lynch him, but then I thought I saw the Lord, and, being God-fearing, I ran away. I really have to get over that fear of God, as it is quite disabilitating since God is everywhere (except for parts of Europe).

Now Chong, you are quite right that the reason we hate Michael Moore has nothing to do with him being a hideous prick who seems to have no genuine concern for his fellow man, but instead it's because we are terrified of him and his cold hard truth. We know that soon he will defeat our corporate America and take leadership himself. Then there will be portraits and statues of Michael Moore everywhere (wow, think of all the stone that we'll use up to make even a life-size statue of him). We'll be kept in line in our socialist paradise by numerous unshaven, unshowered Michael Moore look-alikes (shudder).

Well, before that happens, I'm sure we'll get to do some more violence to other nations first. Right now there is a debate to bomb the crap out of Europe and drill it for oil. I pointed out that there is no oil there, but they responded with, "But drilling is fun!" and, frankly, I don't have a response to that.

Keep coming back to IMAO.us. I hope you find my posts more humorous in the future. I like to keep a diversity of opinion here... unless of course you're some hippy or a communist. Then I hope you die some horrible death.

Cordially,
Frank J.

BTW, I'll have a very special post that I'll be putting up a little later today. Oh, and one more thing, Michael Moore is fat!

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

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April 27, 2003
No, You Eat That
Posted by Frank J. at 11:52 AM

I got this hate mail yesterday (edited for The Children™) from a Pat Gale:

Eat a DICK you ignorant f**k...lol Sorry to hear that you are an asshole. peace

Yes, I think children should be able to hear the word asshole.

Anyway, this confused me. First off, what is he/she (I don't know what gender because of the name "Pat", so I'll just refer to the subject as "the Mongoloid" for simplicity) was lol'ing about. Was it something I wrote, or was the Mongoloid entertained by its own statement? And who did the Mongoloid hear from that I'm an asshole? If it's one of you, please fess up to it.

Anyway, I just needed some more clarity, so I wrote back:

Please clarify your outrage so that I might be less of an ignorant f**k and an asshole in the future. Thanks, Frank J.

I'm still waiting for a response, but if anyone else has some suggestions to make me less of an ignorant f**k and an asshole, please tell me. It's from your input that this site gets even better.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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April 25, 2003
IMAO: Getting in the Way of Useful Information
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM

I found this anonymous comment on my post about suggestions for a type of government for Iraq:

your morons! I was looking for some useful information, not this crap

Apparently that post is already ranked third for "types of governments" as a google search.

My Know Thy Enemy post about the Iraqi Republican Guard used to be the number four ranked entry for a "iraqi republican guard", but now that post can't be found at all with google. Hmm... some sort of cover up?

At least this last commenter didn't call me a "wang".

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

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April 24, 2003
Hating Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM

I liked the idea of a hate mail section, but the only problem is that I don't get that much juicy hate mail. I'm just too loveable. Plus, my In My World parodies can be a bit ambiguous of who I'm making fun of. I saw on one message board that someone linked to one as "great Rumsfeld bashing".

So, I had an idea: why don't I write a rambling hate message to someone. Michael Moore has his e-mail on his website, and everyone hates him, so I though he would be a great target.

Dear Michael Moore, I'm sure you've received plenty of incoherent, frothing at the mouth hate mail before, but I promise this to be the most hatingness hate mail of all. You probably can't tell this from reading it, but it took me an hour to write that first line. That's because I kept glancing at your webpage and exclaiming, "Grah! Do I hate Michael Moore!" I even stared at your face with pure hatred for so long that the screensaver kicked in, you know, the one with floating thing that changes from like a box to a flower shape. It's pretty hypnotic, and then I ended up staring at that for a while. Finally, I accidentally kicked my desk, causing the mouse to move, and thus the screensaver ended. So there you were again, and I was like, "Ahh! Michael Moore! I hate him!" Finally, though, I closed your webpage so I could focus better, so here I am.

To get to the point, what was up with your Oscar appearance? "Oh, look at me! I'm making a radical statement! Everybody look how controversial I am! Tee hee hee." My brother is getting married soon; what if I used the opportunity to give a toast to make a radical statement about my beliefs on tort reform? Sure I'd get a lot of attention, and I do keep thinking about it... but no, that would be wrong. That's not what the occasion is about. And neither is it that what the Academy Awards is about. Instead the Oscars is about vapid people obsessed with their own artificial importance... which I guess in a way your outburst was an expression of. Anyway, shave next time.

And what's with your statement about how the country is actually all liberal and that the people booing you were actually booing the booers? Do you actually believe that? What kind of fantasy world do you live in? Are there elves and leprechauns there? If there are, and I caught one of those hippy leprechauns and he told me, "If you don't harm me and let me go, I'll give you three wishes," (that would be in Irish brogue; I don't know how to represent that typing) I wouldn't let him go, because the only thing I would want would be to give that stupid pinko leprechaun a beating. To be clear, I wouldn't beat him as much as a regular size hippy, because that would be like a huge beating to him because of his small size, which isn't his fault. But I assure you it would be a sound beating, and, when he went back to his leprechaun home, he'd tell the other leprechauns, "Aye, what a sound beating I received; quite proportionate to my size."

I might have strayed off topic. Anyway, I first started hating you when you wished more Republicans were killed when the planes that crashed into the WTC. Well, I wish you were in there.

...no wait, there would still be lots of innocent people killed. Instead, I wish the terrorists crashed an empty plane into you solely.

...then again, the airline industry is really hurting for money, and losing a plane probably wouldn't help them any. So I wish a terrorist just ran into you really hard.

...but considering your girth, that would probably hurt the terrorist more that it hurt you. But I do hate the terrorist more, so I guess I do wish that, but as a punishment for the terrorist, not for you.

Did I mention you're fat? I wasn't going to do it, because this was supposed to be about how much I hate your viewpoints, not your size. But I can't help it; you're an ugly, corpulent bastard. Yeah, that's right; I know the word "corpulent." You're so fat, if the screen got torn at the Cannes film festival, they could just have you wear white pants, have you bend over, and then project the movie on your ass.

...know what; that went too far. I'm sorry. You've probably been dealing with your weight problem all your life.

And what's with wearing the baseball cap all the time? Is it to distract from how hideous you are?

...actually, I guess that works. I remember once going, "Damn! What a fat, ugly man... what's that on his cap?" So kudos on wearing the hat.

In conclusion, I hate you, you fat, stupid, liberal, Commie, monkey-faced, unshaven, retarded, pinko, flatulent, socialist, globular... and I know I need some sort of noun to complete this thought, but I'm too enraged to think of one.

By the way, my sister is trying to break into the movie business as a costume designer. She has some credentials now, but if you have any contacts that could help her out, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and though the critics didn't seem to like it, I thought Canadian Bacon was hilarious. Keep up the good work.

One last thing: BURN IN HELL!

Hatefully,
Frank J.

That should make him know how stupid and useless he is. He'll probably start crying.

Then again, that wasn't very Christian of me. I feel bad now. I'll just have to keep in mind how fat and ugly he is and that he deserves it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (51 votes cast)

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April 20, 2003
Je Déteste Francois
Posted by Frank J. at 03:15 PM

Another great post for Easter: a new entry into my hate mail section. A little while back I wrote a song for non Americans to sing to praise America. I also asked for news suggestions for verses, and got a lot of great responses. But now I found this:

Je naim pas america c'est tres coruptable les anglais et americans c'est merde? agree? OUI!

I had trouble translating it in babel fish, so I gave it to the official translator for IMAO, Mary Lou, who is much smarter and much prettier than babel fish. Ends up there was some misspellings, but here is what was probably meant to be said:

I do not like America It is very corruptible The English and Americans Are sh*t. Agree? Yes?

Okay, first of all, there was no rhyming scheme. That's just sad. And does the author, Jaques, mean to apply that France, with its oil and weapons contracts with Iraq and its businesses that couldn't succeed without government funded espionage, is the pillar of honest government?

Well, I think France has the potential to be a very non-corruptible country, since radioactive dust accepts no bribes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

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April 17, 2003
Not Just Hate Mail... But a Threat!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:32 PM

I'm not sure what post set it off, but I just got this e-mail from henk nak (edited to make it clean enough for primetime):

I hope you will be f--ked in your tiny little a** with the biggest cactus on the face of the earth.

You are one of the reasons the complete planet hates America.
I will make sure my arab friends pay you a visit soon..

Knock knock..

An AMERICAN anti-war "fanatic"

I try to be a courteous blogger, so I try to respond to anyone who takes the effort to e-mail me:

Hello Henk Nak! Thanks for the input. I'm not sure how that whole thing with the cactus might actually happen, but it doesn't sound unpleasant, so I think I'll have to disagree with you on that issue.

As for your Arab friends stopping by, I'll need to clean up a bit first. Luckily, there was a two for one deal on bags of Doritos at the supermarket, so on the snack department I'm prepared for guests. Also, considering the length and the mood of the party, maybe I can show everyone my gun collection... or, at least, some choice selections.

Sorry that whole anti-war thing didn't work out; seeing those people beat a statue of Saddam with their shoes must have been painful for you to watch. Maybe if you're even more fanatic, you can prevent the next liberation.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Keep the mail coming!

UPDATE: Apparently he used someone else's e-mail who was from Holland, so the response was wasted. Oh well.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

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April 06, 2003
But Is It Hate Mail?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM

I got this e-mail the other day in reference to my Brief History of the Gun:

you are a wang im trying to do a report and found this. yes its funny but its in my way.

So he admits I'm funny, which is all I'm trying to be on this webpage, but, then again, he calls me a wang. So is it hate mail?

Anyway, if you hate me or any opinions I have expressed, please send more incoherent e-mails. They make easy posts.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 23, 2003
Where's the Billy Goats Gruff When You Need Them?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:20 AM

Out from beneath the bridge emerged a hideous troll. From the nearby town, it heard viewpoints other than its own, and this caused the troll to gnash its teeth and stomp its feet in rage. Eventually it was provoked into a mindless attack on the townsfolk, though what it hoped to accomplish was unknown... even to the troll itself. It just knew it could not let the townsfolk’s merriment go undisturbed.

Some fought back with the troll, trying to match its rage, but this only pleased the terrible creature, causing it to dance a happy troll dance in glee. Others just ignored the silly troll, and this only enraged it further. "I am the troll!" it shrieked, "I disturb your peace! Will you not fight me?"

The troll then continued its mindless attack, clawing at doors at gnawing at the sides of buildings when no one went to engage it. The townspeople found this quite amusing, but knew that, if this happened too often, the pitiful creature would have to be slain.

* * * *

Anyhoo, I found out there is this odd thing that people sometimes add to software programs. It's like a line of code, but the compiler completely ignores it. What's the use of a line of code the compiler would ignore, you ask? Apparently it's in case someone else may read the actual code I wrote, and these seemingly useless lines would help explain the rest of the code. I believe these things are called "comments". I'm a hardware engineer, so the way of the software programmer are weird and scary to me, yet I must conform to their customs. Thus I need to go into work today to do this "commenting" so that I may meet a deadline.

I guess that pretty much means nothing to you guys, but, anyway, since there have been so much happening in recent events, Rumsfeld’s comments can’t wait until Wednesday. Thus there will be a press conference tomorrow morning... despite the anger of the trolls.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

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March 08, 2003
Oh No! They're Going to Get Us with Their Licensed Guns!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM

Don't usually post on Saturdays, but here is Kearie's response once provoked. If I were still in college taking psych classes, these could make for some interesting case studies.

Dear Frank J,

Thank you for your reply. I suppose I couldn't expect more than stereotypes from anyone residing in Ameirca, since your world consist of fast food outlets and consumerism.

And yes, your right, we Canadian's should be nice to you, but only because the rest of the world hates you. As for your guns, I don't think we will have a problem there, since we have twice as many guns per household than you do, except they are all liscened and we are smarlt enough not to turn them on ourselves.

All in all, if you do decide to cross the world's largest unguarged border, which however, is increasingly difficult, we will be sure to let all the terrorist we are harboring loose on you.

Of course, I realize that you meant no offence by your history, as I understand that being Amnerican, offence is unfortunatly innate, so I fully abosolve you of anything that you have said to offend me.

Well, I'll be off now to enjoy the wonderfull nature reserves and parks that we have taken a pride in conserving. Moose and all.

Kearie

Notice how she (he?) is unable to spell America correctly. It's as if the name of our country is like a cross to a vampire. And whom is the zinger about the terrorists making fun of?

Oh well, I neither know enough or care enough about Canada to respond again. Have a great weekend, everyone.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

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March 07, 2003
Canadians Don't Like Frank Either
Posted by Frank J. at 06:47 PM

First I had trouble with the French, and now I've gotten this e-mail in response to my Brief History of Canada (some editing was done because I felt like it):

Very interesting analysis of the history of Canada, eh. You forgot to mention the way in which your peacefull neighbour has devloped into a more humaine country that they overbearing lug next door (America).

What aboot the part where, Canada, creates free natioanl healthcare for its people while America, invades small south American countries ousting their democratically elected governments and installing dictorship regimes in the name of democracy, eh.

You forgot to mention how Canada devlopes its streets, makes sure that its people don't live in disgusting ghetto's and attempts to institutue a multiculturalism policy where all people can be maintain their culture, while its nieghbour to the south, forgets about its poverty stricken people lving on food stamps in bullet ridden houses, in favour of "saving" the poor deluded souls in the middle east who are not intelligent enough to govern themselves.

Canada is not a perfect country, but it is a hell of alot better than your heavy handed, gun wielding pathetic excuse for a nation, eh.

Kearie

Since someone took the time to write me such a long letter, I, of course, responded:

Thank you for your letter, Kearie. I meant no offense by my history, as I was unaware Canada had access to our American invented internet and thus thought no Canadian would have been able to read it and be offended. Anyway, I will keep this brief, as I'm sure your sessions on the internet must be short since moose keep chewing on your ethernet cables. I would just like to remind you of something I'm sure you are fully aware of: there are more of us Americans, we all have guns, and it's a big open border between America and Canada. Thus logic dictates you be nice to us, as I'm sure your national healthcare has at least a two week wait to have a bullet wound treated.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Keep those letters coming. They're great for writer's block.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

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February 28, 2003
"Great" Girl Responds
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM

Hey, I'm still here! I'll return to my regular daily updating next week. To tide you over some more, check out this week's Carnival of the Vanities for more blogging goodness.

Also, Dopegirl sent a reponse to my e-mail. In the interest of balance, I thought I'd share.

Dear Ignorant Sir,

Thank you for misconstruing my point.

I wasn't implying that anarchism and socialism are one in
the same. I was trying to say that both ideologies would
employ armed revolution for their causes. Anarchism,
popularly misconceived as disorder and chaos, is a
political system based on community organization and the
dismantling of national government. No, it doesn't lead
to rampant troublemakers having 'no rules' to hold them
down. Socialism also involves the reditribution of power
to the people, but the state structure, which is reworked,
is left in place.

You seem to underestimate the power of the exploited
peoples in capitalist society. Look at the Zapatistas,
the EZLN, of Mexico. They are a peasant-based indigenous
group that's been robbed of their land and culture for the
sake of capitalist development. They are sparsely armed,
but have successfully countered the Mexican army. They
have set goals and will either achieve them or die.
Desperation fuels rebellion. The comfortable business
elite have little to no experience with exploitation or
desperation (unless it involves the accumulation of the
material possessions neccessary to portray their affluent
image).

Who do you think would win in a fight? Who ever has less
to lose. In my opinion, the exploited have the ability to
go fuckin' nuts.

A lot of anti-war skeptics don't believe that protests
will make any difference. Maybe not directly, but, if the
popular national opinion (as in Britain) is against war
and the government decides invade Iraq anyway, the true
nature of democratic society will be exposed. As more
people see the government's lack of accountability to it's
citizens, the more they will question the order of
society. And the anti-capitalist movement will grow. Are
people like you so ignorant and self-possessed to think
that capitalism is the best form of social organization?
European feudal society was eventually overturned because
it was unfair and unequal. It's only a matter of time
until capitalism realizes the same fate.

Dope*girl
(*slang for "great", as in "that's a 'dope' song")

I have to agree, once we slaughter the oppressed people with our advanced weaponry and military tactics developed by our capitalistic society, we'll probably say, "Wow, those guys went fuckin' nuts."

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

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February 25, 2003
Frank Loves Comments
Posted by Frank J. at 06:50 PM

Sometimes people comment on really old posts, and Moveable type will tell me the most recent comments (but not the @#$% post the person commented to). I found this one today on this old post, and thought I'd share.

What kind of elitist bullshit is this? Just because protestors are against a war in Iraq does not mean they're "hippies" or "pacifists". You're simply echoing the assumptions of the mainstream media. Many of these anti-war protestors are willing to get rid of greedy capitalist motherfuckers "by any means neccessary". These anarchists and socialists have the imagination needed to see another, less exploitative world order, unlike people like you who keep your heads so firmly planted in people's asses that you can't see what's actually going on. Unlike most protestors, who are educated and informed on global issues, you have no credibility to speak of. Here's your wake-up call - capitalism isn't working for the majority. And the majority ain't gonna take it forever. If I were a member of the elite minority, I'd be afraid.

It's signed by "dopegirl" and she left an e-mail address, so I thought I'd send back a response.

Dear Crazy Person,

Thank you for your insight. We certainly are all now well aware that our guns and tanks are no match for you and your dope friends' "imagination". Thus, we, the elite minority, have decided to heed you wake-up call and dismantle our capitalistic system, replacing it with a combination of anarchy and socialism... actually, aren't those like the opposite of each other? I guess I'll just choose one. I think I'll choose anarchy because I really liked those Mad Max movies.

In conclusion, if you run into me on some desolate highway in the near future, make sure to identify yourself as "Dopegirl" so I know not to kill you for your Gasoline.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Anyway, Rumsfeld is coming tomorrow, and I'll do my best to make it worth the light posting this week.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

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