Who won Super Tuesday?
Archive of posts filed under the I Hate Frank category.
Thought of the Day
You’ll always be happy as long as you can still enjoy the simple things in life — such as wearing a warm poncho straight out of the dryer on a cold day. I bought the poncho so I could dramatically sweep it over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. Now the poncho is just something I throw on on a cold morning when I’m too lazy to get dressed and want to lounge around reading the nets. I guess that means that instead of being a pajama-wearing blogger, I’m a poncho blogger… which is way cooler.
[Not advisable.]
Where’s the Thompson campaign?
Broken News: Aquaman endorses Fred Thompson
ATLANTIS (AP) – As noted by Frank J. this morning, Aquaman has announced his endorsement of Presidential candidate Fred Thompson.
Speaking at a press conference from his mother’s bathtub, Aquaman proclaimed “Who better than I, a fictional character, to endorse a fictional candidacy.”
Aquaman’s first order of business as a Thompson supporter was to telepathically enlist the aid of the official fish of the Thompson campaign: the flounder.
On to Montana
People Respond to Whether the U.S. Military Should Kill Terrorists
Many people liked my editorial yesterday called “I Think the U.S. Military Should Kill Terrorists (Redstate even had it on the front page), but some people didn’t like it.
I will respond!
Mirror writes:
INSPIRING!! So I guess you’ll be down at the recruiting office this afternoon to sign up, then. But why did you wait so long?
Did you even read the article? It wasn’t called “I Think Frank J. Should Kill the Terrorists.” You are very stupid if you couldn’t understand the point of such a simply argued editorial. You should check that the toys you put in your mouth don’t have lead paint from China.
SplendidOne write:
I don’t think it our government’s job to kill anyone who is not actively involved in planning, and has the real-time potential to conduct, or is actively involved in conducting terrorist activities against the United States.
You already lost me. You need to write in short clear sentences like me.
Even with real terrorists, the job isn’t to kill them it’s to protect us from them. Killing is one way to do that; it’s not the only way. And killing them seems to be messy, in that lots of innocents also get killed. (FYI, “brown skinned people who aren’t Christians” is not a definition of “terrorist.”)
Obviously you don’t have the new edition of Websters.
Funny how the our oh-so-effective military can’t seem to get the number one terrorist – Osama bin Laden.
So we should get rid of the military because they haven’t killed one particular terrorist out of a million? You’re stupid.
If you aren’t going to volunteer, get trained, and go out and kill terrorists while in the military, how about contracting with the Bush administration to get Osama for us?
I think you’re sucking on the same toys as Mirror.
I bet that one individual, even starting out untrained, given, say $50M and unlimited spending authority on it, could find and kill bin Laden within a year.
I bet you’re retarded. I literally bet a thousand dollars on that.
Oh, wait, I forgot, Osama’s “not important” anymore. 🙂
Lead poisoning can affect memory.
Steveo writes:
I have an idea!
We should give soldiers police authority! That way, when they aren’t at war, we could have hundreds of thousands of extra policemen all around the country. The military should be in charge of police. After all, they’re trained in just what police officers do everyday: handle weapons and kill criminals. Crime would be way down, for sure.
Makes sense, doesn’t it??
Are all the criminals in the U.S. actively plotting to kill us right now? If so, then you have a point. Otherwise, you are retarded.
Ever notice how people who comment here to disagree with me tend to be retarded?
Happy Pi Day
Dumb People Approach with Caution
Suddenly a bunch of the monkey-faced have found this post and are putting their hyperventilating stupidity into an ASCII text representation. Apparently they didn’t get it was a joke, though the only way to make it more obvious I was joking would be to write “I’m joking” every other sentence.
I’m not going to do that.
I need some sort of way to screen angry stupid people and keep them off this beloved interweb site. Maybe I could just place shiny things on the sidebar to distract them…
Get Frank’s book free!
Well, actually not directly anyway. I didn’t know about this before today:
Nearly a year ago, The Motley Fool published an article titled “You’re still paying for the Spanish-American War,” which noted that, bizarre though it may be, we’ve all been socked on each phone bill with an excise tax that went into effect long ago to pay for the Spanish-American War. Well, sometimes our friends in Washington do something right. The tax has indeed finally come to an end, and we’re even being offered refunds.
The money is out there for you — you just have to jump through a few hoops in order to get it.
Here are a few things to know, courtesy of Dick Hansen at refundphonetax.com and also from the Internal Revenue Service:
You are to claim the refund on the 2006 tax form that you file in 2007.
You can opt for a standard refund of $30 (if you have one exemption), $40 (if you have two), $50 (if you have three) or $60 (if you have more). This option requires no documentation from you.
If you have (or want to go through the trouble of procuring) your telephone bill statements from March 2003 to July 2006, you can get a refund based on amounts you were actually charged. In most cases, this can amount to a lot more than the standard refund — perhaps as much as $100 to $300 for many of us. You’ll need to fill out IRS Form 8913 for this.
If this is the first time you’ve heard of this, you’re morally obligated to use a portion of the refund to buy one, two, maybe even three, copies of Frank’s book. I would recommend you buy a copy with your own money, but I haven’t read it because Frank hasn’t sent me a gratis copy yet–cheap S.O.B.
I for one, welcome our new Democratic overlords, and the wealth of comedic material they will provide us in the next two years!
Oh, also, starting Monday, the posts will be placed in the sidebars, to make room for more ads. Thanks for your patronage!
P.S. Oh, yeah, they will be in the right sidebar, because there won’t be enough room on the left because that space is already dedicated to . . . ads.
P.P.S. You know, on second throught, we should probably use the right sidebar for ads too. Starting Monday, the posts will be in the bottom footer.
Are You Threatening Me?!
Look at this e-mail I got:
Hi,
We mailed you several times, but you didn’t bother to reply.
Please note that there is a spam post in your following pages mentioning our site.https://www.imao.us/index.php/2004/11/free-speech-is-for-winnersan-editorial-by-frank-j/
http://www.imao.us/cgi-bin/deaconman.cgi?entry_id=2322Please delete the entire comment, otherwise we will have to take legal steps against you.
Regards,
Webmaster, [link]
So I search my e-mails and find one other from them:
Hi,
We, at [link], contacted you many times regarding our link to our website, but got no reply from your end.
Please note that we found a spam posting in your following page where our site’s link has been given:
https://www.imao.us/index.php/2004/11/free-speech-is-for-winnersan-editorial-by-frank-j/
Some ‘Nick Jonson’ did the posting, please check and delete it at the earliest. Sometimes we surprise how you are continuing with such spam posts for somany days!
Please delete the post, please don’t provoke us to take any legal steps.
Awaiting for your earliest action.
Regards,
Webmaster, [link]
Wha?! Legal action against what? Some guy was spamming my comments – apparently on their behalf – and they’re going to sue me under… what statute? Sue me for having a link to them that I didn’t even write? What the hell is this?
I mean, I could delete it, but I demand to be asked nicely. It’s not like I like spam, but, as soon as it hits my website, it’s my spam, and I can do with it as I please.
Frank J. Doctoring Photos from Disney World?
OK, now things are getting weird.
Frank J.’s Disney World photograph shows blatant evidence of manipulation. Notice the repeating patterns in the smoke; this is almost certainly caused by using the Photoshop “clone” tool to add more smoke to the image. (Hat tip: LGF.)
It’s so incredibly obvious, it reminds me of the faked CBS memos. Smoke simply does not contain repeating symmetrical patterns like this, and you can see the repetition in both plumes of smoke. There’s really no question about it.
But it’s not only the plumes of smoke that were “enhanced.” There are also cloned buildings. (See below.)
Verdict: obvious fraud.
UPDATE at 8/6/06 12:11:am:
IMPORTANT!
The original for this faked photo has been discovered. And it was taken on July 26, 2006. (Hat tip: Spacemonkey, who took the picture on a night out on the town with Frank J.)
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here’s a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won’t be another like The Limey. Also, I’ve came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.
Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I’m no troll expert – IMAO doesn’t get as many trolls as the serious political sites – but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here’s the main rule:
NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.
Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll’s postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention – that’s all. It doesn’t matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes – he could say 2+2=5 – they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can’t reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.
DON’T GET ANGRY.
If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It’s just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don’t detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.
So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it’s for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you’ll be less likely to get frustrated.
Anyway, remember the two rules: you’re not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, “Tsst!” The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you’ll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here’s an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:
Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)
It’s not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:
Dopegirl Response (language warning)
Much calmer, and that’s all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That’s what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.
“There’s no Fascist McFascist!”
He still makes me smile.
‘Tarded Leftard
Some leftard called me a rightard, but he’s the one that’s ‘tarded because he can’t even undertand simple humor (due to his ‘tardedness). I hate it people are so ‘tarded they don’t even know how freakingly ‘tarded they are. It just makes me shout, “‘TARDS!”
Ya know?
Jonah Goldberg Wants Me Dead!
I saw this post over in the corner, so I sent Jonah Goldberg a simple e-mail stating that I don’t want to be shot either. Here’s his reply:
well, if **one** of us has to be shot, you know how i’m voting…
It’s true! He wants me shot dead! We’ve known for a while that Jonah wants me out of the way so I won’t be able to steal his job, but he’s a fool if he thinks I, Frank J., can be intimidated so easily!
But, if I do get shot, make sure to tell the police it was Jonah Goldberg. The truth must get out.