Bush dialed a number at the phone at his desk in the Oval Office. “Guess who’s still President! …That’s right: me, bitch! …Yes, I do have to call you ‘bitch,’ you dumb frog… What do you mean I should foster better diplomatic relations with you? What the hell do I need France for? I have Colorado for dumping nuclear waste in. Well, I guess I can use for dumping old bombs. Anyhoo, tell your terrorists friends I’m coming for them soon.”
Bush dialed another number. “Geuntetag and gesundheit, guess who’s president again, you stupid kraut… That’s right! Now say my name! …Say it! …Put more emphasis on the ‘dubya.’ …Yeah, that’s my name, and you better get used to it because it’s going to be around for another four, mo’fo’.”
Bush hung up and dialed another number. “Hey, you don’t sound like Arafat… He’s dead? Probably died because he heard I’m president again. Yeah, that’s right! So who is this? …Well, Abbas, better watch what you do ’cause I’m president again!”
Bush hung up and kicked over his desk. “Time for more action!”
Scott McClellan ran up to him. “I’m about to hold a press conference, and I was wondering…”
“I’ll handle this one,” Bush announced.
“I don’t know if that’s wise.”
Bush backhanded Scott to the ground. “Shut up. I’m president again!”
Bush walked out to greet the press.
“What is your reaction to how, during the confirmation hearings, Condoleezza Rice pulled out a Tec 9 and…”
“Shut up!” Bush yelled, “I’m president again! Now I ask the questions!” He thought for a moment. “Nah… that would mean you people would still talk. How about I just say stuff and you listen. First off: I’m president again! I don’t have to worry about reelection, so I can do anything I wan’!”
“But…” one reporter began to say.
“Hey, I wonder if any of you reporters can catch this paperweight with your head.” Bush threw a heavy paperweight at the reporters, smacking one in the head and sending him to the ground. “Guess the CBS correspondent wins. Heh heh.”
“I think you gave him a concussion!”
“I know I did!” Bush declared, “’cause I’m the president again! Now listen up, dumbasses: It’s time for me to put my unaccountability to good use. After I feel I’m done with Iraq, I’m going to start attacking other countries. ‘cept now, I ain’t even going to tell you people why. I don’t have to justify myself; I’m president again! As for domestic, I’m giving all the tax cuts to the rich… the really really rich! No one can stop me… ’cause I’m president again! And I’m going to change Social Security… even if I have to throw all the old people out onto the streets. Even the Democrats can’t whine their way out of that one… ’cause I’m president again! Then I’m going to do targeted missile strikes on people in Hollywood and college professor’s I don’t like. Some may call that suppressing freedom of speech, to which I say, ‘I’m president again!’ Oh, and I’m going to have protestors forcefully bathed.”
“You’re insane!” a reporter shouted.
Bush kicked him in the face. “Damn straight, so best stay outta my way! Yee-haw!”
A car sped into the crowd of reporters, hitting a few. The door opened to show the soon to be Attorney General.
“What’s up, Speedy Gonzales?” Bush asked.
“I told you not to call me that!” Alberto shouted back, “Anyway, I saw some people standing around looking suspicious, so I thought we might go violate their rights.”
“Sounds fun,” Bush answered, “You have your sombrero?”
“I keep telling you I don’t wear one, you stupid gringo!”
“Do you have your piñata bat at least?”
“Of course! Do you think I’m loco?”
Bush jumped in the passenger side of the car and put on some sunglasses. “Let’s roll!”
Not gonna say it.
One of the best IMWs yet.
And, as a student trapped among numerous hippies, I agree on the forceful bathing of protesters.
They dump nuclear waste in Utah. At least the company I work for does.
Genius. I think you need to have bush saying something very southern like Git ‘er Done!
GWB to stupid hippy Reporter: What did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP!, I’m president again. Yee Haw (followed by Yoesemity Sam style 6 shooters firing randomly into the air)
Frank, I think as you go along with this particular storyline, you’ll need to flesh out Alberto’s car a little. Rumsfeld in a Buick was friggin hilarious, and I’m still not sure why. I’m saying Alberto probably ought to be rollin in a ’63 Impala coupe with hydraulics, curb feelers, fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror, and maybe a pinche chihuahua in the back.
Sticky,
Maybe I can have a contest to come up with the best description of Alberto’s car.
Hey! No nuclear waste in Colorado! We’re a red state! We have mountains here, and national parks, which makes sarahk happy! If Bush needs someplace to dump nuclear waste, pick a blue state for cryin’ out loud!
MountainMama, speaking for all of us stuck in Blue States, don’t give us more grief. We have to live here with all these lefty wack-jobs already. Don’t add to our burden!
Force bathing hippies. Now that’s a dirty job. No offense Undercover.
One of the best ever.
The pres can keep dumping nuclear waste in Boulder. BUt maybe he should start dumping the rest in a blue state.
“What’s up, Speedy Gonzales?” Bush asked.
“I told you not to call me that!”
Classic, Frank. Simply classic. :oD
Yeah….dump any nuclear waste you have in Boulder. Then we can build a big wall around it. And no more hippies will come out.
Frank! Car Contest, yipee!
Gonzales — a charp chort chevy wit four on the floor.
Condi — MIB power car.
Rummy — the green hornet’s car with the ghost of Bruce Lee at the wheel.
Duba’ — The batmobile from the TV show, not the movie of course. Cheney is the driver.
Oh, sorry, Undercover Hippie. The real conservative solution to nuclear waste would be for someone to invent a way to turn it into power, or home heating oil, or fertilizer, or something useful and needful for all mankind. 🙂
Nearly perfection.
But Condi is too smart to use a POS like a Tec-9.
She strikes me as a high caliber gal… the kind that likes to know that what she knocked down will stay down.
Dual .45s, or a Thompson. Or if she’s a deadeye and can be sure that each bullet will count… a casull or Desert Eagle. But you really need both hands for those cannons.
If Rummy ever gave up his garrote, he’d use a casull revolver.
Very funny. Sad part is, aside from the dramatics, it’s all true. I can only condemn it. If someone sees an idiotic situation as it is, and still agrees with it, I guess that makes them an idiot. GWB is a traitor, and should be executed like one.
Hey Joe, Satan’s calling you. He says to pick up some milk before you back to hell. He’s got brownies, and you can’t have brownies without milk.
If you’re gonna dump nuclear waste, I suggest Canada. It’s huge and under populated, so I say we move all Canadians to western canada, and use eastern Canada for dumping ground. How about it, science?
best. ever.
Yep, a good backhand is exactly what Scott deserves! And he’s not alone – there aren’t too many competent people to explain the phenomenon that is Bush to the public.