It will be cool if Fidel Castro dies in time for my upcoming three-day weekend; then SarahK and I can head down to Miami for the big celebration. Whenever he finally keels over, I will smoke a cigar for the occasion no matter what SarahK says (though it will probably be done quietly on the back porch).
Still, it feels like such a shame that Castro gets to die from some horrible ailment rather than our hands. I mean, we’ve had this Communist country right next to us for so long, and we’ve never killed the blasted dictator (not to mention his American sympathizers). We could practically snipe the guy from Key West, and yet he’s lived this long.
Back in the day, the CIA had plans for assassinating Castro, some of which they tried. Here is the most comprehensive list I have of them, as moot as they may soon be:
CIA PLANS FOR ASSASSINATING CASTRO
* Exploding Cigar: This was the obvious one: get Castro to smoke an exploding Cigar. He takes a couple puffs while surveying the misery he’s caused to his country, and BOOM! There goes his head! Ha! It’s funny because he wouldn’t expect it! Unfortunately, he stopped smoking cigars for health reasons… health reasons of not wanting to smoke one of the exploding cigars the CIA left for him!
* Special Delivery: The plan was to send Castro a couple of boxes labeled “Bananas” (Castro loves his bananas). When Castro opened the crates, out would jump giant gorillas trained to tear the limbs off anyone who has a beard. Animal rights got wind of this plan and protested gorillas being locked in a crate for so long. This caused the program to be shut down. No one knows what happened to the gorillas or the limbs of the animal rights protestors.
* Exploding Celebrities: One habit Castro never quit was shaking hands with vapid celebrities who think the murderous Communist dictator is such a great guy. CIA planned to put a bomb on one of these celebrities that would go off when Castro shook his or her hand. This would be easy to do secretly since these celebrities are so vapid. A court ruled that the CIA wasn’t allowed to blow up vapid celebrities, though, and the implications of that ruling have haunted us to this day.
* Disappearing Beard: There was a plan to get a chemical on Castro that would cause his beard to fall off as he gave a speech. Then mobs of angry Cubans would beat him to death for being a phony. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, something else fell off instead allowing many puns using his name “Castro”.
* Exploding Elian: If we couldn’t have Elian Gonzales, it was decided no one could. Thus a bomb was made to put on little Elian. When inevitably Castro would have a big public greeting of Elian before sending him off for reeducation, Elian would explode, taking out Castro with him. It seemed like an honorable end to that controversy, but then Attorney General Janet Reno nixed the plan – not because she was against blowing up children (she ate them on a regular basis) but because she was afraid it would make America look vindictive. Well, we are vindictive, you Brobdingnagian she-male!
* Just Shoot the Bastard: He was always appearing at the U.N. giving speeches, so why not just shoot him? It’s not like the U.N. could do anything about it, the impotent nit-wits. John Bolton was planning to do this next time he saw Castro, but now he may never get the chance. His mighty ‘stache is now wet with tears of opportunity lost.
Well, when Castro dies, I just hope we won’t have to put up with his ugly mug on t-shirts. And then maybe the Communist regime will fall and Cubans can take regular boats over here instead of risking their lives on rafts to escape Commie Cuba’s glorious “free healthcare”.
And Cuban cigars for all!