“I think you Mexicans will find this new amnesty plan to be very generous,” President Bush told the group of Mexicans assembled at the table in front of him. “You just have to pay your fines and back taxes and then you’re all set.”
“Why should we pay your taxes, Gringo?” the head Mexican asked. “We’re Mexican; we don’t pay your taxes. You give us amnesty without back taxes!”
Bush thought about that. “Okay… I guess you don’t need to pay taxes. Just pay the fines and everything will be even-Steven.”
“The fines are too much. We don’t want to pay no fines!”
“Half-fines, then.”
“Why should we pay any fines? You guys tricked us over here! We were happy in Mexico.”
“Well… I guess fines might be harsh, then.”
“You pay us!”
“What?”
“You pay us to apologize for hassling us for crossing into land which is really ours! You do it or we leave!!”
“No no! Don’t leave!” Bush pulled out his wallet. “I have twenty bucks; how’s that?”
The head Mexican snatched the twenty dollar bill. “That will do… for now.”
“So when do they get to vote?” Nancy Pelosi chimed in. “Can they vote tomorrow?”
“There’s not an election tomorrow.”
“Why don’t we give them all the vote and hold an election tomorrow!” Pelosi exclaimed.
“I don’t know about voting,” the head Mexican said. “You aren’t going to make us pay taxes in the future so we can vote, are you?”
“Well… you kinda have to pay taxes to be citizens,” Bush said sheepishly.
“Maybe we don’t want to be citizens. Maybe we want to come here, do whatever we want, and not pay taxes.”
“And vote!” Pelosi shouted. “Don’t forget to vote!” She turned to Bush. “Why don’t we just let all Mexicans vote as part of the compromise?”
“And we want bridges,” the Mexican said. “We hate getting wet crossing over here. Build us bridges!”
“I don’t know if the Republican base will like allowing all Mexicans to come over here and do whatever they want and vote.”
“And the border guards annoying us,” the head Mexican said. “We want you to murder them.”
“I really think my Republican base isn’t going to like us sanctioning the murder of border patrol agents,” Bush said.
“Why not?” Pelosi asked. “It’s because they hate brown people, that’s why. You’re either for murdering border patrol or you hate brown people!”
“You better do it!” the head Mexican threatened. “Or we’ll stop picking your lettuce!”
Bush stood up in shock. “But lettuce in the basis of a garden salad! What would salad be without it!”
“That’s why you better think of what’s more important to you: Us Mexicans or your Republican base!” The Mexicans all got up to leave. “We’re taking some chairs with us. For our next meeting, make sure you know how to speak Spanish.”
The Mexicans grabbed chairs from the meeting table and left the room. “Don’t forget to register to vote!” Pelosi called out to them. “Actually, registering isn’t important; just show up to the polls.” She turned to Bush. “I think this compromise on immigration is turning out very well.”
Bush frowned. “Yeah, but you’re a soulless harpy. I’m more worried about what Republicans are going to think.”

“How has it been going explaining to the Republican base that the reason they have a problem with the immigration bill is because they hate brown people?” Bush asked Tony Snow.
“I’ve been hit in the head with a beer bottle three times so far.” He rubbed his temple. “You know, it hurts more when it doesn’t shatter.”
“Of course I know that!” Bush shouted. “Aren’t they happy that we’re giving them the fence they want to satiate their brown people hatred?”
“They like the fence, but they’re not thrilled about the air conditioned walkways you’re going to build over the fence. This bill really seems to be hurting the last bit of approval rating you have. Most of the Republican Presidential candidates are scoring points off of bashing the plan; Tom Tancredo has gone up three points in the polls vowing that, if Mexicans continue to invade, he’ll nuke Mecca. Also, Jimmy Carter called you the worst president in history.”
“What?!” Bush exclaimed. “Worst out of all the presidents? Himself included?”
Tony nodded. “He said your so bad, he’d almost think that you’re a Jew.”
Bush thought for a moment. “With all the uproar — especially from Republican voters — I’m starting to wonder if we Republican politicians miscalculated on this bill.” He shook his head. “No. The last thing I should do is listen to other people. You stick to the message, Snowman, and tell all the Republicans that the only reason they are angry is because they hate brown people. Tell them to stop worrying since it’s not like this problem will go on forever since eventually all the Mexicans will sneak in here and then illegal immigration will stop for good.” Bush thought for a moment. “Well, we might still have some Guatemalans sneak in, but they’ll have to trek through what will then be the vast wasteland of Mexico, and most of them should die in the journey.” He looked back at Tony. “So tell the angry Republicans that most of the Guatemalans will die. That should make them happy. Oh, but only tell them in Spanish; they all need to start learning that language/”
Tony looked pretty nervous. “Maybe I should focus more on talking up how things are going in Iraq.”
Bush jumped to his feet. “Hey! I have an idea! Maybe we can solve things in Iraq by having an open border there too!”
“Actually, part a big part of the problem is terrorists slipping in through the porous Syrian and Iranian borders.”
“Is that what the Iraqis say?” Bush sat back down. “I think what’s really the problem is that the Iraqis hate brown people.”