He’d Still Get His Ass Handed To Him

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After failing miserably to win in any measurable fashion against Democratic frontrunners Obama & Clinton, John Edwards is trying a new strategy: running against Ronald Reagan:

“I would never use Ronald Reagan as an example of change,” Edwards said. “You think about what Ronald Reagan did, to America, the American people, to the middle class, to working people. He was openly, openly intolerant of unions and the right to organize.”

Even running against a 96-year-old dead man, Edwards fails miserably. If the election were held today, and the lifeless, fleshless, Alzheimer’s-besotted remains of America’s greatest President were running against Edwards, it’d be 1984 all over again, except that Edwards wouldn’t carry Minnesota or D.C.
Here’s a few other opponents Edwards would fail against just as miserably:

  • Fred Thompson
  • An empty chair that Fred Thompson once sat in.
  • A ball of Jeffrey Dahmer’s earwax.
  • Frank J and/or that dog he claims to own. Has anyone ever seem them in the same room together or been given ANY reliable proof that they’re NOT the same person?
  • Any random wad of gum scraped off the underside of a table.
  • Ron Paul
  • Just kidding.
  • Full-volume Billy Mays.
  • A cable-TV price increase.
  • Dilbert’s pointy-haired boss.
  • Trump’s hair.
  • This jar of fuzzy… something… I found in the back of my fridge.
    fuzzy fridge stuff.jpg

If you can think of anything else that would make an electoral sweep against the Johnster, pipe up in the comments.
Unless you’re Billy Mays, in which case, pipe down.

35 Comments

  5. I think this posting brings to the forefront a new GOP candidate:
    Zombie Reagan in ’08
    You just know the commies are itching to raise Lenin’s corpse, so who else to defeat him but a commie-smashing undead?
    The only problem with this is that he already served two terms. Can death and necromancy get you around the term limits?

    Reply to this comment

  15. the unopened ketchup packet he struggled with
    my 18 year old deaf, and blind lap dog
    my five year old daughter
    a hairdresser
    a used tampon
    anyone of those winners off of americam idol
    ann coulter

    Reply to this comment

  17. Ronald Reagan was not opposed to unions or the right to oragnize. He was involved in and president of the Screen Actors Guild for the better part of a decade.
    He left the union and union movement because he recognized the unions stopped acting in the interest of the workers and acted in the interest of union heads.

    Reply to this comment

  19. -that dark, unidentifiable substance found in the corners of bathroom stalls, worldwide
    -a Jordanian contractor working on a FOB in Iraq, who’s job is cleaning the above substance out of porta-shitters
    -the goat that the above Jordanian lost his virgnity to

    Reply to this comment

  32. Zombie Regean, god that goes saounds awesome. Maybe he could use his great communicator skills to turn the normal zombies into willing drones…drones that would do jobs that Americans won’t! Think of it, illegals are either given the choice between going home, and getting in line or being torn into pieces as the undead Gipper inspires his necrotic legions to secure the border! everybody wins! well, maybe not the illegals, but hey they get to live if they move fast enough!

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