Palin tomorrow!
It’s do or die time.
Archive of entries posted on 2nd September 2008
Kos Kids and the Palin Rumors
So, if you haven’t been following the crazies at Kos, here’s basically what they’ve been saying about Palin:
Palin faked that she was pregnant with Trig to cover up that her daughter Bristrol was actually pregnant. When the baby was born and they found out he was black, so she bleached his skin to further conceal the truth. When nosy reporters got close to her secret, she killed a hobo, put the corpse in a gorilla suit, and froze it to claim she had bigfoot and cause a big media distraction. The hobo had hobo friends, though, and they started asking questions, so Palin had to murder them too and bury them in the middle of nowhere. But then there was a proposal to build a bridge to nowhere so she had to oppose that to keep people away from her secret. Then she still wasn’t able to conceal the truth, so she forced Bristol to get pregnant again and changed the medical records so that it looked like Bristol was pregnant when Trig was born so Trig couldn’t be hers. Finally, she joined a radical Alaskan separatist group to prepare to secede Alaska from America to join with Russia and wipe out the U.S. to fully conceal the truth.
Anyway, a good deal of the Kos Kwazies believe all this, while other argue that it’s good to put out these rumors even if they aren’t true, not realizing there isn’t anyone outside of the Daily Kos dumb to believe any of this. So, what should we do?
I say we make a fund raiser to buy them helmets.
The people at the Daily Kos are obviously so dumb they are in constant risk of head injury. You may say, “So what. I want those left-wing nuts to have head injuries.” That’s just putting politics above basic humanity, though. We shouldn’t want anyone to hurt their heads. So it’s incumbent upon us to buy the Kos Kids helmets. That way they can type away safely, diving under a table when they think they hear Rove with less risk of head trauma. Also, we’ll be able to spot them at political rallies in their nice new helmets and can give them cookies and milk to help them calm down.
That’s what compassionate conservatism is all about.
WEsistance Challenge: Operation WE Demand
I declare Operation Rumor Has It a success.
Or at least fun.
Now it’s time for:
OPERATION WE DEMAND
The Premise: This was inspired by the most offensively petulant display of childish foot-stamping and breath-holding ever produced by someone who wasn’t 5 and standing in the checkout lane with one hand on a Snickers bar – this WEtard commercial [hat tip – DamnCat]:
Please note the irony of deriding smokestacks that emit no soot as not being “clean”.
Anyway, if WE can get whatever WE want by simply wishing really hard while glaring peevishly into a camera, why stop with the merely-precluded-by-the-laws-of-physics desire for perpetual motion machines and decreasing entropy?
WE need to demand MORE!
Suggested format:
1) Brief mention of your love of WE.
2) Make some outrageous, yet only MARGINALLY insane (for a WEtard) demand. Try to walk the fine line between enthusiastic and demented, while leaning towards the vaguely plausible.
3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.
Feel free to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.
Sample letter:
Dear WE,
I ***LOVE*** your WE DEMAND commercial! Warming deniers really needed to see what kind of non-violent, non-verbal disapproval they’re in for it they don’t give us what we want!
But I thnk we need to demand more. And this one is brilliant because it’s like judo because we pretend to give them what they want but we’re really getting what WE want. I noticed in the video that there’s no clouds of black smoke coming from the smokestacks. This might make people think that fosil fuels are CLEAN! So let’s demand that that they remove smokestack scrubbers! The only way to make people see the damage we’re doing to our fragile planet is to let the deniers SEE smokestacks belching thick clouds of ash, soot, and sulfury gasses like a man-made volcano.
Let’s see them deny THAT!
By Any Means Necesary
Robert “Rainphish” Guevera
As before, you don’t HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Rumor Has it, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there’s nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.
After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your entry to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I’ll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.
BONUS LINKS (as requested by slapout):
Hippie Chick Name Generator
Hippie Dude Name Generator
In My World: Shoulda Listened to Admiral Akbar
The left wingers were scampering through the forest and soon saw their prey. “It’s McCain’s new VP pick Sarah Palin,” one said. “Let’s get her!”
Palin stood assuming in an open field, and the left wingers were soon upon her. “You’re inexperienced!” one shouted.
“You’ve barely been in politics!” said another.
“It was irresponsible of McCain to pick someone as unexperienced as you as a running mate!” shrieked another.
“So it would be better for her to be at the top of ticket?” asked a familiar voice from behind.
“IT’S A TRAP!” one of the left wingers shouted, but it was too late. The ground gave out beneath them and they all fell into a pit.
“Now we’re trapped!” a left-winger cried.
“And you brought me with you!” Barack Obama yelled angrily as he sat on the floor of the pit.
“Aww, how could we fall for such an obvious trap?” one left-winger whined.
“It must have been Rove!” one shouted. “I thought I heard him.”
“You’re ‘The One’!” a left-winger said to Obama. “You can get us out of here!”
“I’ve never held a real job in my entire life!” Obama said. “I don’t know how to do anything useful!”
“Muh ha ha ha!” laughed the hooded figure of Karl Rove who stared down at them from above.
“Could you throw down something to help us up?” Obama asked.
“Yessss,” Rove hissed, “I can throw down some… FLESH EATING BEETLES!”
The group screamed as giant beetles rained upon them.
“What do we do!” one cried.
“I know!” said another. “We can yell misogynistic things at Palin! That’s bound to help us!”
“Good idea,” Obama said. “Let’s do it quickly.”
One of the left-wingers looked up. “Uh… she has a moose rifle… and I’m pretty sure she knows how to use it.”
“Oh,” Obama said. “Then let’s wait on that.”
John Hawkins Blackballed
Apparently, John Hawkins got blackballed from the Republican National Convention because he’s been critical of McCain. So are they not going to let any conservatives in there?
Let’s Be Honest
Ay yi yi . . . jottings from the RNC
Is it over yet? I work a couple blocks from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul and am a police reserve officer as well, so I have a few thoughts on this whole brouhaha.
First, why St. Paul? I love the Twin Cities–I’ve been here for almost 15 years, and would never move anywhere else (unless I win the lottery, in which case I’ll be buying a condo on Santa Monica beach), but it is not by any stretch of the imagination an appropriate place for a convention. There is nothing to do here that would be of the remotest interst to people from around the country. The geography is boring, there are no landmarks to speak of, and there is little to do here. Sure, you can go out to the Mall of America, but, truth be told, it is simply a really, really, big mall. You can also go to the Guthrie Theater, but there are lots of comparable theaters all over the country. If I was FORCED to have it here, I would have it in Minneapolis, NOT St. Paul. Downtown St. Paul is shabby (I work there), and there are hardly any good restaurants to speak of. Most major businesses have moved over to Minneapolis. We have a skyway in both cities, and, while the Minneapolis one is largely thriving, the one in St. Paul is run down and and dying. Practically every other spot for a business is empty down here. Or at least it was. Interestingly, all these long deserted spots have been filled with temporary businesses. I’m not entirely sure if that is to take advantage of the increased foot traffic (which I’m not sure there really is any–there don’t appear to be anymore people down there than there would be for a playoff sporting event), or whether St. Paul is trying to give the illusion that it isn’t a backwater, dying midwestern city. I wouldn’t be surprised if delegates and news personalities were abandoning the event for “hurricane” Gustav, simply because they don’t want to waste a week in this ho-dunk place.
Second, speaking of farts in a hurricane, I can’t believe how politicians fell over themselves to scale back events here and rush to the gulf coast for that non-event. It always amuses me how they fall over themselves to please people who will never vote for them anyway. I can see making preparations to cancel events if things go badly, but preemptively shooting oneself in the foot has become the GOP’s favorite pasttime as of late.
Third, I worked several police reserve events this weekend, and there is almost no excitement in the air. The only thing people seem to be interested in, is how many smelly hippies get tear-gased. Maybe things will heat up this week. The majority of city council members in both cities are anti-police, so the cops are doing their best to keep order while be undermined by civic leaders who hate Republicans and both law enforcement and the enforcement of laws.
Fourth, Sarah Palin . . . yikes. This chick’s middle name must be Samsonite, because she is carrying some heavy baggage. Hmmmmm . . . let’s see — she’s from a far-removed state, has zero experience (even less than Obama if one can believe that!), and her family is a mess. She should gracefully bow out, go home to focus on getting some experience and spending time with her young baby. She might also do well to swing by the Safeway to pick up some cucumbers and a box of condoms and have a long talk with her kids. What’s the point of preaching abstinence to your kids if you’re not going to keep a close enough eye to assist them in managing those raging hormones? One might think that being from Minnesota this is just sour-grapes, but I think Tim Pawlenty would have been a lousy choice for VP. I’ve heard him speak a number of times, and he comes off as an empty suit (though his wife is wonderful). Don’t even get me started on his “no new taxes pledge,” and then imposing a tobacco tax that he described as a “fee” to save face. Don’t pee on my shoe and tell me it’s raining. Also, I think he would have been chewed up and spit out by Slow Joe, as I suspect Palin will be. What’s wrong with Condeleeza Rice, or any number of other people that might actually have the experience to be President today, or next month? Does anyone really believe that if McCain is elected and drops dead in February that Palin is ready to be leader of the free world?
I’ll walk around later and get some pictures up, though there’s not much to look at.