Archive of entries posted on April 2009

Frank Tips for the Swine Flu

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People are getting worried about the swine flu. It’s probably just alarmism, but here’s some tips anyway to keep healthy:

* If you see any pigs, don’t put your mouth on them.

* Same goes for Mexicans.

* If someone is showing flu symptoms, lock him in the basement or a closet if to avoid infecting others.

* If you start showing flu symptoms, try and hide the fact so you don’t get locked in a basement.

* If flu continues to spread, read Stephen King’s The Stand to prepare for inevitable conflict between good and evil.

Just always remember what Smokey the Bear says: Give a hoot, be prepared for flu.

Terror Attack

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I have some words for Obama:

No, Obama. You do not fly your plane in low over New York because you want a nice photo. That is a bad president. You scared lots of people and that is wrong. No no.

So do you think Obama signed off on the whole thing or did his staff not hear his objection because he once again had a bucket stuck on his head? And it’s funny he’s been doing all this stuff against “torture” and then starts doing psych-ops on his won people.

Well, anyway, I wonder when we get to see the photos?

lolterizt! Part 80

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Chris:

From Jedijson:

From Jedijson:

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

[reference link]

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Random Thoughts

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My Theory: Swine flu is God’s vengeance for Miss California speaking out against gay marriage. Why didn’t we listen to Perez Hilton?! Why?!!

The first hundred days are almost over, and the U.S. still exists in some vaguely recognizable fashion. A lot of you owe Obama an apology.

How many times is Obama allowed to interrupt primetime each season? If he has something important to say, can’t he just e-mail us?

If Obama wants people to tune in, he should announce he’ll do his speech Wednesday without a teleprompter. It’ll be like Fear Factor.

We can’t torture terrorists in Gitmo, but we can still beat them to death with a flashlight on the battlefield, right?

So is it technically a terror attack when it’s the president scaring everybody?

Do you think FOX is going to broadcast “Lie to Me” instead of the Obama press conference just to give us all an easy setup to a joke?

To be honest, if someone said to me, “Would like to scare the crap out of New York to get a photo op?” I’d be like, “Awesome.”

Since torture doesn’t work but waterboarding did work on KSM, doesn’t that prove that waterboarding isn’t torture?

First saw Lady Gaga on April 1st episode of American Idaol. Thought it was joke and laughed hysterically. Found out wasn’t a joke and felt sad.

There should be a season of 24 that starts with white corporate people as the villains, but it ends up Muslim terrorists are behind it all pulling the strings.

Palin Legal Defense Fund

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Beyond just the disgusting treatment Governor Sarah Palin has received, she’s also been hit with a lot of frivolous lawsuits like when someone tried to claim her strangling a moose with piano wire is “animal cruelty”. It’s called hunting where I come from. So now she’s got a legal defense fund if you want to help out. Any extra funds will go towards shooting hippies from a helicopter.

Award!

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PammyV of Right Wing Chick has honored IMAO with the “This Blog Is Traditional Right Wing Homeschooling Mom Approved” Award.

IMAO has all the wholesome goodness of a Wonder Bread and Kraft American Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product sandwich, but with only half the fat and calories. No wonder Moms love it!

FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 6 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

Ladies Fight

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The Taliban has a new thing to complain about: All the women we’re sending over there to kill them. And there’s an odd bit of racism to it to. The Taliban spokesman warned the Pakistani prime minister about “Western white women who take up arms and come from 20,000 miles away to fight against us here.” Why is he only worried about the white women? The other races want to shoot him in the head just as much.

It will be pretty cool, though, when they’re whining about all the dinosaurs we’re sending over there blowing them up.

Random Thoughts

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Do you think the NEA becomes enraged every time a poor kid gets a good education?

You miss the series finale to Prison Break, and the only way to know what happened is to jab a terrorist with a hot poker. Would you do it? I’d do it, and I’ve never even watched Prison Break.

So do liberals watch 24 and think Jack Bauer is the bad guy?

If innocent lives could be saved by harming an evil man, only a sociopath would object.

Torturing a hippie into admitting torture works doesn’t actually prove torture works, but it doesn’t disprove it either.

Actually, have there been any scientific studies on torture? Like have we tried torturing monkeys? I have, but not in a lab setting.

If the liberals do arrest Cheney, that would make an awesome season of Prison Break.

With this swine flu, all the Muslims are going to be like, “We warned you, infidels. We warned you.”

I thought torture was compassionate conservatism. Usually we don’t let them live long enough for that to even be an issue.

They’re really getting worried about the swine flu. The CDC is locking up anyone who smells like bacon. Poor Rosie O’Donnell.

RiffTrax

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If there is one thing that probably best epitomizes my humor, it would be Mystery Science Theater 3000. I always wanted to see that humor applied to something other than bad B-movies, though. The closest they came was a summer blockbuster special where they made fun of short clips of the summer releases, but they probably couldn’t ever afford to get the rights to anything other than old, really bad horror and scifi.

Now, though, the makers of MST3K have RiffTrax. You supply the movie, and then sync up their running commentary to get the full MST3K effect (just use the mp3 they give you to manually do it, or use their player to sync it up automatically). SarahK had been watching Twilight over and over, and when I saw through Twitter manly micro-blogging site that limits you to 140 characters that they had a track for the movie, I finally gave it a try. I did my own impromptu riff when I was first forced to watch, but the professionals are even funnier. I think we’ll try out a Potter one next.

So, check it out if you want to get a little more use out of some DVDs you might have lying around; it’s some damn funny stuff. Plus, I have my own suspicion (with evidence!) that Michael J. Nelson is a right-winger.

Award!

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NunyaB of Why Sarah Palin Is So Freaking Awesome has honored IMAO with the “Freaking Awesome? You Betcha!” Award.

You ever see that look that nerdy guys get when some totally hot chick asks them what time it is, and their legs start trembling and you can tell they’re wishing that Star Wars was real so that they could use the Jedi Mind Trick on themselves in order to answer the girl’s question in something besides a nervous squeak?

Sarah Palin makes me feel like that ALL THE TIME.

FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 6 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

The Church of Obama

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Let’s get serious for a minute.

ABC News reports that CIA agents that the Obama administration doesn’t give them the support they need to do their job:

“We ask these people to do extremely dangerous things, things they’ve been ordered to do by legal authorities, with the understanding that they will get top cover if something goes wrong,” (Dr. Mark M. Lowenthal, former Assistant Director of Central Intelligence for Analysis and Production) says. “They don’t believe they have that cover anymore.”

This is important. Very important.

Back in the 1970s, in the post-Watergate era, the Democrats overreacted to everything. They hated Richard Nixon — to a degree not seen until their hate of George W. Bush. And they were going to wreak vengeance, no matter the cost.

It cost us a lot.

I remember it well. I recall when Idaho Senator Frank Church chaired a committee (the United States Senate Select Committee to Study Governmental Operations with Respect to Intelligence Activities) that effectively gutted the U.S. intelligence community.

One of the effects of the Church Committee was a drop in morale in the intelligence community.

Being a spy — a field agent — isn’t all James Bond. It’s not any James Bond. It’s mostly being where you don’t want to be, with people you don’t want to be with, risking imprisonment or death if exposed.

But, knowing you have the support of your country helps.

After the Church Committee, many felt they didn’t have that support.

Couple that with the restrictions placed on the intelligence agencies, and suddenly it’s very hard to do the job.

What could go wrong?

Well, for one thing, the CIA could be caught flatfooted should the government of a friendly nation be suddenly overthrown by Islamic radicals. Such as happened in Iran in 1979.

Think about that one event. Had we seen it coming, could we have prevented it? Maybe. And imagine the world today had the Islamic Revolution not happened.

The intelligence community still hasn’t recovered. Though morale is better, many of the restrictions still in place have made it hard for intelligence to be verified to the proper degree. It’s never easy, but the restrictions make it harder.

Credit goes to Frank Church for the situation today.

And we’re about to have part two of that whole situation.

The Obama administration is poised to hang CIA agents out to dry.

Look for a drop in morale in intelligence agencies.

And look for Congressional committees to “clean up” the intelligence community.

Then look for something to happen because of a failure of the intelligence community, because of the agents not being able to do their job.

Frank Church hurt this country greatly with his committee’s work that hurt our spies. And he was a Senator.

Imagine what damage the current president will do.

Obama’s first 100 daze

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Obama magazines
Time magazine covers of Barack Obama since April 1, 2009

Am I the only one who can’t go anywhere without hearing about Obama’s first 100 days?

It’s on every Website you visit. And not just news Sites like CNN or Fox News, but other Websites too. Like… [Note: some links are NSFW]

The list goes on and on. Obama’s first 100 days everywhere.

And on magazines. Every magazine on every news stand has Obama’s picture on it, and a story on his first 100 days.

Then, there’s the McDonald’s First 100 Days Happy Meals, Hallmark First 100 Days Christmas Ornaments … oh, the list goes on and on.

I, for one, will be glad when Obama’s first 100 days are behind us. Then there will be only 1,361 days to go.

Award!

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Kevin of Exurban League has honored IMAO with the “Lunar Renewal Agency Award of Merit Award – ‘For your tireless efforts to bring light to the dark side of the moon'” Award.

Well, SOMEBODY’S gotta do it, because the Lunar Renewal Agency has been sitting on its hands for decades now. The dark side of the moon has been dark since 1973, and it’s WAY past time someone did something about it.

FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 6 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

Quote of the Day

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The mental image I will have in my head from now on, any time I hear the word “green“:

When it is broken down, the philosophy of environmentalism is the philosophy of life on earth without humanity at all. Green becomes the color of a forest that grows over unmarked graves.

Here’s a visual aid for the mental-image impaired: