Archive of entries posted on June 2009

New Moon Project

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A number of readers noticed this, and yes, I am currently working with NASA on this project. Basically, we’re making a big explosion on the moon to see what it will look like. This will help prepare for one day nuking the moon and making that explosion as impressive as possible. My job in this project is to come up with a cover story to make it look like there’s a scientific purpose to exploding stuff on the moon. I came up with that sending debris six miles into the air will somehow help us know if water is on the moon, which I think is pretty decent BS.

Hopefully this all goes well, because then we can start working on the nuke. I plan to make nuking the moon a nuclear disarmament proposal to better fit with the Obama administration.

Random Thoughts

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If Ahmadinejad is a classic right-winger, wouldn’t the left condemn him more forcefully?

Maybe Rahm could tell Obama to not waste this Iranian crisis.

Soon Obama press conferences will just be reporters laying gifts at his feet and worshiping him.

“When fascism comes to America, it will be promising hope and change.” Eh, guess that should be past tense.

Maybe Obama isn’t speaking out against the oppression in Iran because he’s too busy taking notes.

Lesson: If you wanted someone to speak forcefully on Iran, you should have elected a president with testicles.

My wife always yells at me for punching the kitties in the head. They never say anything.

We grow up thinking we should model ourselves after John Wayne, but it ends up what women want are effeminate vampires.

It’s A Good Life

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Tonight’s story on The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique and calls for a different kind of introduction.


Imagine a place called the United States, and there’s a little building there called the White House. On a given morning not too long ago, the real world disappeared and America was changed. Its inhabitants were sure of one thing: the cause. A monster had arrived in the White House. Just by using his charm, he took away the automobiles, the banks, the sanity – because they displeased him – and he moved an entire country back into the dark ages – just by using his charm. This is the Twilight Zone.
Continue reading ‘It’s A Good Life’ »

Politicians Are Serial Killers

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Someone has realized that a lot of personality traits are shared between politicians and serial killers. I’ve told you people before, politicians are not normal people. Normal people get are happy doing useful jobs, and it takes weird people to want to be a politicians and want to mess around with how everyone else do their job.

And can’t you think of a number of politicians that society would be better off if they stuck to luring in and killing women instead of messing with all of us through their laws? Of course, Ted Kennedy showed you can do both.

lolbama! Part 16

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This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]


[reference link]

From Bryan of Colorado Right:

From DamnCat:

From Jeff:

[reference link]

From Melissa:

From Peregrine John:

From Rusty:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From DamnCat:

From Sam:

[reference link]

From Sir Wellington’s Beef Trapeze:

Also from Sir Wellington’s Beef Trapeze:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

NOTE: “If I only had a brain” will probably have multiple submissions. You might want to try something else completely, or at least use a more indirect Scarecrow-related caption.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Stab Proof Knives

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Britain is now selling stab-proof knives.

Yeah, I know. Your brain is just shouting out the numerous reasons this is completely idiotic. It’s very hard to understand how this idea could pop in someone’s head and actually survive to the product stage before being dismissed as pure stupidity. If your society is contemplating a stab-proof knife, it’s actually a lot more dignified to just roll over and die as a civilization at that point.

Anyway, I’m going to try an enumerate the reasons this is stupid, though I’ll probably miss some.

REASONS THIS IS STUPID

* Someone who is going to stab people isn’t going to buy a stab-proof knife.

* There are so many regular knives available, that getting a regular knife will always be trivial.

* But, if all regular knives are somehow banished through a magic spell, you can just take a stab-proof knife and sharpen a tip against a rock.

* Or sharpen a screwdriver.

* And it’s not like someone is going to stop being a thug because his current implement his hard to stab with.

* Thought maybe he will get so frustrated he’ll just shoot you with his illegally possessed gun.

* Finally, really? A stab-proof knife? Can’t you still cut off your testicles with it since none of you limeys seem to need them?

This is so stupid it makes me want to stab people, which I can easily do even without possession of a knife.

The Iranian Revolution Will Be Tweeted

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If you’re wanting to follow what’s happening in Iran, the best way right now is Twitter.

Yeah, I know. A lot of you are saying, “But I think it’s name sounds gay and I’m not secure enough in my masculinity to use it.” Well, let me tell you that I’ve checked, and absolutely no gay people use Twitter. In fact, a way to figure out if someone is gay is to ask him, “Are you Twitter?” If he says no, then there is a about a 50% chance he’s a flaming homosexual.

Anyhoo, if you want to get live updates of what’s going on, you can follow the #IranElection hashtag and should pretty soon find out who the big players are.

Random Thoughts

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What do you expect Obama to do for the Iranian protesters? Isn’t his blank stare support enough?

I haven’t spoken out on Iran because I have no qualifications to speak on major issues. Obama’s excuse is the same.

I have to believe that Obama is working on something behind the scenes as it’s hard to believe any administraion could be this wussy. Of course, I’m too young to remember Carter.

Capitalist Propaganda: “200”

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From 1975, proof that at one time, not all hippies completely hated America. This funky little number was paid for by the government and animated by Vincent Collins, who is still alive and well and living in San Francisco and going by “Vince” these days. Most internet sources refer to it as 200, but at 2:46, it’s clearly titled “BI CENTENNIAL”


[YouTube direct link]

The music is chipper & upbeat, the images are all positive and patriotic. My only complaint is the stupid peace sign on the flag.

It was weird to watch, because I kept waiting for Mount Rushmore to morph into a 3-headed Hitler who sends his eagle-morphing-into-a-vulture flying into the ghetto to devour screaming, helpless minorities or something.

Never happened.

It’s all good. Right down to the cornucopia spewing out cars, hamburgers, TV’s, hot dogs & baseballs.

Bookmark this one for July 4th.

Award!

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Wolfman George of Monkeys on Horses! has honored IMAO with the “Monkeys on Horses ‘You Blew It Up! Award” Award.

Why did IMAO blow up the Statue of Liberty? Several reasons:

* Because replacing the statue costs less than having Obama do fly-by photo-ops over it.

* Anything to prevent Letterman from calling her a slutty airline stewardess.

* We didn’t blow it up, we just “restructured” it.

Besides, Obama told us that if we didn’t blow up the Statue of Liberty, he’d declare IMAO “too big to fail” and have it come out of bankruptcy as a cat blog.

FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 1 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

Random Thoughts

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Illegal immigrants do the jobs that we won’t do because illegal immigrants are already doing them for less money.

Palin is as smart and capable as her supporters think, but they’re going to be disappointed when they one day find out she’s a politician.

Anyone try that search engine Google? I think it gets me a lot better results than the others.

Tiller was like a hitman but for babies. Much lower risk than taking out hits on adults and more profitable. Plus, as long as the baby didn’t have any friends, the cops won’t even care.

When Tiller was assigned a hit, did he get a name or was he secretly slipped a manila envelope containing a sonogram of his target?

Anyway, it was pretty paranoid for that one guy to shoot Tiller. He was at no risk; Tiller only killed babies.

Know who is silly? Poor people. Why don’t they have more money?

The economic crisis is because we don’t have enough money, and the biggest offenders of not having money are the poor. I blame them.

I bet the next season of Lost will do a lot better in the ratings if they somehow make it a procedural.

I need to secure my Facebook user name before… Oh! Too late! I’ve already stopped caring.

I pity the North Koreans for when Obama finds out about them weaponizing plutonium. No one wants to be in the path of his righteous anger!

Maybe we should grade Obama on a curve and say we approve of his job performance as long as no one is getting nuked.

So is what’s happening in Iran basically what liberals’ feverish imaginations thought happened here in 2000?

My guess is Obama is reacting to to the Iranian election by thinking, “What would JC do?” JC, of course, is Jimmy Carter.

Obama didn’t play golf today; that’s just what he wanted Iran to think. Just wait for his decisive action tomorrow! You’ll be stunned!

Feel so impotent reading all the stuff happening in Iran. I should have got Tiger Wood’s Golf ’10 for Wii so I could pretend to be president.

As soon as the Palestinians get their own state, we should declare war on it. That would be hilarious.

I was so hoping Iran would get a president with a name I could one day hope to learn to spell.

Hey, liberals. I heard that Ahmadinejad is against abortion. Unleash your full wrath upon him! Also, not a supporter of gay marriage. Ahmadinejad is certainly no friend of Meghan McCain.

You’d think liberals could put at least half the anger they aim at Prop 8 supporters towards someone who has executed gay people.

Letterman should totally make a joke about raping Ahmadinejad’s daughter. No, that’s going too far.

Remember back in the olden days when dictatorships didn’t even feel the need to have a sham election? We’re progressing.

Everything in the world collapsing is a change… and it leaves a lot of room to hope for things.

At what point is The Atlantic Monthly an accessory to mental illness?