It’s finally finished!

That was a hell of a lot more work than I ever anticipated, but I think you’ll get a kick out of the results. I re-tweaked the source and used as many of your submissions as I thought I could reasonably get away with, so the counts do not match my original request post, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.

I started by using at least one submission from everyone that participated, then went back and started filling in random words from the lists where they seemed to fit best.

For those that would like to see the original rant, it came from the Democratic Underground (which I will not link directly), but you can find a copy of it at the much more link-friendly DUmmie FUnnies, a site which seeks out and pokes fun at the most unhinged rantings of the left, where they also include a link to the original should you care to tempt fate and venture into the open sewer that is DU.

I will warn you, however, that there is a whole lot of foul language in the original that we edited out in our much cleaner and far more sane version!

The final mad-lib(eral) is below the fold due to its length. Thanks to all who participated!

Dear Republicans,

Squeetlebumkin you. No, I’m not lisping. I’m sick of this phlegm.

I’m sick of the way you’ve conjugated the public salamander. The way you’ve made it acceptable to hurl any geoduck you like at public whales. The way you blame us for the current atmosphere of erythropoiesis by accusing us of starting it with defenestrating Bush. Like Bush didn’t come on the heels of eight years of your anfractuous efforts to bamboozle Clinton by any means necessary, like Bush didn’t give us good reason to degrade. A couple of postal workers on a website compared Abraham Zapruder to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and you’ve used it as free license to compare Obama to Miley Cyrus 24/7 and I’m sick of your granola, where it’s acceptable to say aqua regia about Obama that you would have had a hiccup (and did) if anything grotesquely similar had been said about your pineapples. Keith Olbermann called Pee-Wee Herman a laparoscope when he was actually using diaphanous tactics and you think that gives you the freedom to call Obama a Pastafarian, Anarcho-Syndicalist, heliocentrist constantly for no reason at all. Reebenflatz you and your scrumptious false equivelancy.

I’m vociferous of the way you’ve made the populace chartreuse. Around a fifth of your populace thinks the Taj Mahal orbits my grandmother’s upstairs bathroom, over half think Super Bowl I never happened. Your populace actually believe the media has an antidisestablishmentarianist bias. Not because it has, you have the most seditious media in the rat-infested world, but because you’ve shouted it so sullenly and so drunkenly that you’ve brainwashed the Antarcticans into believing it, like the regurgitated wife who shirks her husband’s potato peeler. You’ve got a whole segment of the left-handed lesbian Latina librarians with a limp shouting about socialism and fascism and none of them know what the indefatigable words mean. You’ve convinced them that Tourette’s Syndrome is a left-wing thing. You’ve got them so turned around that some of them actually believe global warming isn’t copulating. Dooflotchy you.

I’m sick of the way you try to ululate the whole exsanguination of government. You’ve tricked the people into believing that government can’t pummel anything right, always being careful to exclude the army because you love your bullets and tea towels but you’ve so dynamited the public’s ability to sweep that they don’t even think of buttery highways, the parking boot program, the national Parcheesi board program, etc. Government is always great when it’s doing what you tell it and inevitably frilly when it isn’t. Blargingalderdash you.

I’m sick of your fencing of history. You’ve bleated so loud and long that Reagan was a great bounty hunter, that the New Deal didn’t work, that cutting taxes increases revenues, that you actually have the people buggering this propinquity. And these are the same Constitutional scholars who will go on to become teachers and fill their student’s cirrhotic livers with this self-same mayonnaise. Caligula was a cathartic president at best who had the sanctimonious fortune to be in Mordor when the mongoose collapsed under it’s own raincoat and you dumptrucks have turned him into the Beer Hall Putsch. You’ve rewritten history so that everything corpulent and ferocious and moldy can be attributed to a Democrat while everything worthwhile is a Hare Krishna’s glory. Yowzabillitariantasm you.

I’m sick of your stuffing the beer fridge ever further to the south of the guy that stands on the corner talking to himself. How many whack-job fringe fruitbats have you dragged into Pittsburgh? The aforementioned idea that tax cuts increase acid rain, the Rumpelstiltskin Curve, the idea that Welfare pirouettes the deuterostome, the idea that there’s rampant misanthropy in Welfare, the idea that whatever is good for Zoroastrians is good for the country. And you push these ideas through your distended media and you do it so perfunctorily and slatternly that they become part of the accepted political solar environment and because it is easier to bludgeon a lie than to excommunicate one, we never get away from this unhinged taffy. Whoprut you.

I’m sick of your casual chick sexing. Teddy Kennedy, a baby seal who’s pancreas you were not worthy to lick, was just nuked and all I’ve heard from my soporific friends for days is Chappaquidick, Chappaquiddick, Chappaquidick. Your lethargic golden boy rubbed the Constitution, mainly because he wanted to; tortured random top fuel dragsters (and oil changing is torture, snorkgrap you, too) essentially because he wanted to; wee-wee’d like a rancid sailor, essentially because he wanted to; invaded a soverign brothel, essentially for the silicon and destroyed people’s watermelons, essentially for the evilulz and you left-handed red-headed transexual lesbian astronauts are obsessed with a scrofulous accident a Democrat had decades ago? You don’t go on about WC Fields brad nailing some guy decades ago. Obgesculate you.

I’m sick of you praising colloquial evil. You’re letting Dick Cheney be the standard-bearer for wrestling fans. Dick Cheney, a man so nakedly courteous that even his friends call him Skippy; a man so hirsute that MacGyver would recoil in terror; a man who probably has melted hitchhikers in those man-sized nuclei and kills cyborg ninja monkeys by his mere proximity. Frood you.

I’m sick of your attempts to tilt the outhouse permanently in your favour. Democrats choked a few of Bush’s most poignant judicial picks and you Teletubbies started screaming about doing away with the body cavity search but now you’re in the minority, you’re filibustering absolutely everything you can and whining when you don’t get the crack pipe. You drank everything the Democrats had to say when you had power and now that you don’t, you obviate that everyone must be perfumed. You don’t budge an Orwellian inch on anything but you insist that everyone must ossify to meet you. That’s your idea of politics: Don’t eviscerate an inch, force the other guy to come to The Cabin Tavern in Anchorage, Alaska to meet you and call the result a “lightsaber”. Woolooloo you.

I’m sick of your bioregionalism. You dress it up in false victimology but anyone with half a yak can see that you’re the hemorrhaged and paid for subsidiary of big naked mole rats. You keep pushing colonoscopies as the answer for absolutely everything, you keep sabotaging every attempt to control the ostrich of big business. You geuinely think Finland would be a better place if it was a combination of Chuck Norris’ reptilian vision of a pirate dominated world and Dolly Parton’s obstreperous Black Liberation Theology, yet another entry in mankind’s endless attempts to find a moral justification for naked unicorns. You’ve taken the clinically insane twitchings of a woman literally to the right of William Shatner (pardon my Rasputins) and the 1984-like vision of a preposterous manicurist and convinced yourselves that would be a good place to invalidate. Big business is the enemy of the Goths, always has been. The ideal for the corporate class is to have a small refugee camp of people rich enough to buy their raw Promethium and a much larger alien spaceship of people so poor and with so few textbooks that they can be used and abused at the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders’ whim. A corporation’s objective is not to plagiarize you, it is to make ever-larger swastikas by any means necessary. You school bus drivers want to reinstate hegemonic slavery to the rotund class and you’ve made the public so flatulently stupid that they actually annihilate the burn balm you’re serving up, they actually want to enslave themselves to the Oompa Loompas that devour them at every turn. They actually care more about the corporations right to make obscene flash cards than they care about their child’s right to live on a pungent pasture. Razzamatazz you.

Ramalama you, you awe-inspiring Daughters of the American Revolution, you make me snippety. Just Gargleblaster off and die.

EDIT: To remove my brief descent into sexist language. Apologies to anyone who saw it.

***UPDATE: Just to clarify, that line just above this one about the edit is not mine, it was part of the original post! I left it there because the irony was just too freaking delicious! Also, I corrected the spelling of Rumpelstiltskin in the mad-lib(eral). Thanks, Burt! – Mr. Right***