Archive of entries posted on October 2011

Nuke the News: 20/20 vs. 9-9-9, Not Waiting, and What NASA Is Up To

Posted by on

* Rick Perry has now come up with a bold new tax plan filled with bold tax flavors. Instead of 9-9-9, we have 20/20 which is a 20% flat tax on income and a 20% corporate tax. Of course, those add up to 40, while Cain’s plan only adds up to 27… if that’s how you judge these things. I have no idea.

I do like the filing taxes on a postcard idea. That should stimulate the economy, though at the same time there will be a ton of job losses with IRS agents, tax accountants, and people who make income tax related software. Growing pains I guess.

Mitt Romney has offered no new tax plan — those are scary — but he will try and soothe the economy with his confident, presidential looking smile.

* Obama has a new simplistic slogan: “We can’t wait”. I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t that more of slogan for how most Americans are feeling for the 2012 opportunity to kick Obama out of office? Still, the White House is operating under the fantasy that there are people still out there expectantly waiting for Obama’s new plans. If there are, they’re probably restrained and under medication.

* Based on the economic forecast, it’s projected that Obama will get 43.5% of the vote. That’s probably not going to do it. Anyway, Science! made this prediction — just like it has for global warming — which means we can’t doubt it and there is no reason to even have the election unless we’re anti-science and so should probably just start moving Obama out now. Obama, your Hummel figurines are out on the curb.

* We’ve now witnessed one of the strangest sights ever in a political ad: A man smoking a cigarette. Yes, at the end of the Herman Cain ad, this man just casually puffs at a cigarette like that’s something people do. No shame whatsoever. It’s unprecedented.

I bet Obama is hoping the ad is successful, because then he’ll smoke all through his campaign ads. Since he can’t really make a positive ad for himself, he might as well use them as smoke breaks.

* So now that Qdaffy is gone, how much sharia do you want in Libya? A decent amount? A lot? Well, there’s going to be some. It may be a more moderate sharia, though, so instead of getting murdered for breaking stupid Islamic laws, you just get severely beaten or something. And they’re bringing back polygamy, so yay.

The countries in the Middle East seem kind of in a rut no matter what help they get, and I notice one common factor among all the troubled countries there. I’m going to be polite and not point it out, though.

* A 74-year-old grandma tried to sell a speck of a moon rock she had from her deceased, engineer husband, and NASA ended up capturing her in a sting where armed, flak-jacket wearing feds swooped in and dragged away the frightened old woman. So if you wondering what NASA is doing now that the space shuttle has been retired, they’re devoting all their resources to SCARING OLD LADIES. We really need to find those people some more space stuff to do.

* Netflix has lost 800,000 subscribers. That’s capitalism for you: You raise prices, people don’t like that. Good to know that’s still working.

* Onion article: “Mitt Romney’s Goal To Connect With One Voter By The Time This Is All Over.” I’m sure he’ll eventually excite one voter, but if you pull the lever excitedly or grudgingly, it still counts the same.

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

We just need to create two Americas in two alternate universes: one for cons to run and one for libs. I call dibs on this universe.

In the other universe, Jrank F. writes serious, left-wing commentary and has a really patchy beard. He also has a daughter Cutterbup who is the ugliest child ever, and a wife KarahS who is nice and never nags.

In the other universe, a sincere but disheveled in appearance Ritt Momney is having trouble running against the eloquent Pick Rerry.

Herman Cain has hit the 9-9-9 point so hard that it’s exactly the same in both universes.

In the other universe, the only constants on the McDonald’s menu are the McRib sandwich and the Shamrock shake.

In the other universe, Qbama was too busy being productive in the private sector to ever run for office. Plus, he was born in Hawaii, which makes him a citizen of Japan and thus ineligible for the presidency.

My wife made me homemade cheesy biscuits! (gluten free)

Facebook Scrabble claimed that “tled” is a word. Google was unable to come up with what it means. Best guess is it’s what you are when you’re under the leadership of Mr. T, which makes it THE MOST AWESOME WORD EVER!

All these beards in baseball makes it hard to tell people apart.

“A MAN smoking a CIGARETTE?! My word! What a queer thing to see.”

SarahK was celebrating the Rangers win and then she suddenly took a puff of cigarette and blew the smoke at me. I was flabbergasted!

Are there other types of gasted you can be than the flabber kind?

After the smoking ad, Herman Cain has shot up on Intrade to having a 99% chance of winning the primary.

1

S-s-s-s-s-mokin’!

Posted by on

Have you seen the new ad from the Herman Cain campaign?


[Direct link]

CBS calls it “bizarre” and notes that the ad is, currently, unlisted. Which means you can’t go to the Cain YouTube channel and find it unless you know where to look.

ABC takes the opportunity to run down a list of Cain campaign staff with “interesting” backgrounds.

The Atlantic asks, “For real?”

Rather than go on, let me sum up the reaction: the ad generated a lot of criticism from people who already didn’t like Herman Cain.

I’m not a smoker, so it didn’t particularly appeal to me. But smokers don’t like being criticized, just like everybody else.

Obama smokes, but hides it. Cain’s campaign manager smokes, and posts it on YouTube.

I’m wondering how this is going to play out.

1

Choices

Posted by on

Everybody is talking taxes. Okay, not everybody. But some of the major Republican candidates are.

Herman Cain has a plan … two actually … to remake the tax code. One is his 999 plan. If you keep reading about 999, though, you’ll see that the long-term plan is to convert to what some call the Fair Tax. 999 involves income, corporate, and sales tax. The Fair Tax is simply a national sales tax.

Now, Rick Perry has come out with his own plan: a 20% flat tax rate for everybody. It’s an income tax, not a sales tax.

Waste of time. And here’s why.

Changing the tax code won’t do any good if the government keeps spending. They want to talk income, when the problem is outgo.

“Captain Smith, the lookout has spotted an ice berg dead ahead!”

“Very good, Mister Murdoch. Have the deck chairs rearranged immediately!”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

If we don’t cut spending, then 999 will become 20-20-20, then 30-30-30, then 50-50-50, and so on. Or, Perry’s flat tax won’t be 20%. It’ll be 40%. Then 60% And so on.

We’ve got to cut spending. But that’s hard. We can’t handle hard. Never have been able to.


[Direct link]

Oh. Well, maybe we were able to do hard things. Maybe we still are. If we only decided to.

But if the whiney tittie babies that are occupying Wall Street, or sitting in the cabinet, or sitting in the Oval Office were around earlier in our nation’s history, things would be different. And not good different.

“Go to the moon? Imperialist! I’ll make a movie about it. Now give me a sandwich. Extra mayo.” — An nameless Hollywood filmmaker.

“You’ve brought us into this war under false pretenses. Germany didn’t attack us. Japan did! And that’s because of our support for Jews! We need to bring our troops home now!” — An unnamed Texas Congressman.

“That’s just like an evil Republican president. Next he’ll be using troops to seize property from people. What? He suspended habias corpus? Somebody needs to take Lincoln out.” — An unnamed Democrat

“Look at those awful Tea Partiers! It’s not safe to visit Boston Harbor any more. I tell you, they’re going to get violent one day!” — An unnamed government worker

The whiners and complainers need to shut the hell up. And we need to make some hard choices. It will be difficult, and hurt at times. But, like exercise, that’s when you know it’s working.

But, until we quit rearranging the deck chairs, we’re going to crash head on into that ice berg. Then, folks won’t be talking about pulling the car out of the ditch; they’ll be trying to get the ship off the bottom of the ocean.

Nuke the News: Contractors, Biden 2016, and Hippies as Bad as Nazis

Posted by on

* So we’re leaving Iraq now for good. I’m not sure if we won or if we just got tired of it (maybe that’s the same thing). I guess that’s good. Or bad. Or something. I have no idea anymore.

The thing is, though, there will still be thousands of armed Americans in Iraq — it’s just that they’ll be “contractors”. I guess that’s the new way to fudge things, because they’ll run around shooting people and getting shot but no one ever counts them as American troops. I wonder if we’ll see more contractor deployments in the future as a way to pretend we don’t have a military presence in places.

“Yes, we have no military presence in that country — just 10,000 contractors.”

“Doing what?”

“Well… contract stuff. You know, renovating kitchens, building indoor swimming pools, murdering dictators…”

* Obama’s approval rating has a hit a new low in Gallup. The only president who had a lower 11th quarter average in approval than Obama was Carter, so he’s still the low watermark. All Obama has to do now is aim to be better than Carter and hopefully lose the presidency in a somewhat competitive election instead of a huge landslide.

* Bobby Jindal won reelection to Governor of Louisiana in a landslide Saturday, getting 66% of the vote against nine other opponents. The DNC didn’t even bother supporting anyone against him. Jindal just needs to be careful to keep hiding the fact that he’s a minority, as people are very racist in the South… especially Republicans.

* Joe Biden said he hasn’t ruled out a 2016 run for president, which makes him the only one left in America who hasn’t ruled that out.

Then again, if we don’t support him for president, he may rape and murder us.

* In hippie news, Occupy Wall Street protesters in England (kind of far from Wall Street) have shut down St. Paul’s Cathedral. It’s the first time since the Blitz the cathedral was shut down. So, SMELLY HIPPIES ARE AS BAD AS BEING BOMBED BY NAZIS!!!

Also, since Occupy Wall Street protesters are just like us, they spend most of their time talking and debating about drums. Are they really so clueless that they think “drumming circle” means anything to anyone else other than “dumb hippies”?

* Fareed Zakaria, that really weird guy with that freaky Cheshire Cat grin, says there should be a 50% inheritance tax, because, I guess, the government really owns everything and we should just basically just surrender this idea of private property to it. What we really need is some sort of restraining order we can issue to certain people to keep them away from government, because I really want to make sure thinking like that never even comes within a hundred yards of actual policy. Man, it’s so much easier when people with views like these are in an enemy nation so you just shoot them; it’s confusing on what to do when they’re citizens of your own country.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Our son’s teacher emailed us to be ‘vigilante’ about head lice. Time to go turn in my badge. But not my gun.” –Scott Simpson

* 22 more days until Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything comes out. I hope you’re all working to save up that $1.99.

I’ve also got the first seven chapters of my SF novel ready for people to give a critique of (and will have the rest ready soon). Tell me if you’re interested in giving it a look. I’m not at this point as interested in edits as I am high-level critiques like whether the story is at all engaging and what you think of the characters. I would just post the chapters here on the blog, but I’m worried about that causing problems with publishers later on.

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

Why are they trying to make another dollar coin? Who uses coins anymore? What are we, medieval peasants?

Had a nightmare that Biden was pounding on the window of my bedroom, trying to rape and murder me.

My Facebook fan page has over 100 likes. I’m well on my way to being the most famous writer ever.

Wow. Jupiter is super bright this year. I mistook it for Venus.

Really annoys me how every time it’s a strike, the umpire yells, “BALL!”

What an exciting World Series if you’re one of the select few who care about one of the teams playing.

The Week in Doug

Posted by on

From the audio files (by the way, #2 is highly recommended for its entertainment value):

1) “…The President presides, then takes on the responsibility for making decisions. He presides over experts. And the experts are people you hire based upon their accumulated knowledge from experience. You can get very good advisers, like Reagan did. That’s exactly what Cain has said he would do…”

2) “…Liberals think that Obama is smart, frankly, because they use their own lack of intelligence as a yardstick. He is not that bright…”

3) “…The Democrat Party treats African-Americans as if they’re children. And you are not children… Definition of brainwashed: persuasion by propaganda or salesmanship. It’s not the most polite term… but it’s fitting…”

4) “…Then there’s this idea [about the national sales tax] that future Congresses are going to be raising taxes. Now, let’s understand something – that’s a risk that exists NOW!…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Notice that Sharpton and the others do NOT attack Cain’s policies. They do not debate him on the merits or the principles. The left only go after his skin color. It’s what Democrats used to do in the 50’s and 60’s.”

2) “Any time there’s a black man who comes out of the gate as a conservative, places like the Washington Post will put on their figurative white hoods and attempt to scare black conservatives back to the confines of the Democrat plantation.”

3) “This is not a jobs bill. This is a stimulus bill. A money-laundering, tax-and-spend stimulus bill.”

4) “Joe Biden never stops putting his foot in his mouth. And he doesn’t stop stepping on his foot once it’s in his mouth.”

5) “Take away Obama’s teleprompter and he makes a freshman candidate for the debate team wince with his inability to think on his feet or even sound coherent.”

6) “Obama has spent his whole life being taught the ‘injustices’ of America. Not the opportunities of America. He’s been indoctrinated in Marxism rather than the concepts of liberty. Do you think he was ever told, or lived for a moment with the idea that he could achieve anything he wanted through hard work and taking chances?”

7) “Romney sounds slick. Very smooth. How many people do you know who are actually like Mitt Romney in real life? He comes off like a game show host.”

8) “They hate Cain’s candidacy. It spoils their narrative of casting conservatives as racists, of course. That’s why they have to twist themselves into knots to find ways to say he’s not really black.”

9) “The federal government should have absolutely zero interest in local government responsibilities, such as fire, police, and education. Keep the feds the heck out of local matters, please.”

10) “Are these bus tours resonating with anyone? Why does he keep doing them on the taxpayers’ dime? It just makes his poll numbers go down. In other words, I support them. Keep doing them, Mr. Obama.”

Re: #7 – I think Doug may owe Pat Sajak an apology for that one.

Who’s gonna lose, week 8

Posted by on

As this year’s college football season creeps along, you’d think that none of the games matter until November, when Alabama and LSU square off, then in December when Oklahoma and Oklahoma State do their battle. That is, if all you did was listen to the hype.

Truth of the matter is that there is no such thing as a meaningless college football game. If you don’t believe me, go ask the players. Games that don’t lead up to the so-called national championship game in January do matter a great deal. And that so-called national championship game really isn’t, until they implement a playoff. I have the perfect solution to that. I’ve talked about it in past seasons, and might share my brilliance with you again this year. But not this week.

If you don’t like college football, then there’s little hope for you. If you are a fan, you might not agree with this week’s picks. But that’s part of the fun of being a fan.
Continue reading ‘Who’s gonna lose, week 8’ »

Nuke the News: Frank J. Fan Club, Obama May Not By Eligible for Reelection, and the Illegal Declaration of Independence

Posted by on

* It seems kind of pretentious, but I made a fan page for myself on Facebook. You can like it and then follow my rising writing career through that new Facebook thing. I assume everyone is already following me on Twitter… where I’m HILARIOUS.

* Don’t know what to think about this Qdaffy thing other than that I hope killing dictators will be the cool new thing from Obama. “There can be only one!”

* Apparently, Steve Jobs told Obama that he was headed for a one-term presidency. So not only was Jobs a genius innovator who changed the face of technology in this world, but he also could make extremely obvious observations.

You know, Obama should really start wearing a black turtle neck all the time. Then, when he’s voted out of office, he can just declare that he was too cool for us.

* Of course, maybe Obama doesn’t want to run for reelection. Do you know who he put in charge of submitting the paperwork for him running for office? Joe Biden.

BIDEN: “Okay, here’s the paperwork.”

CLERK: “That’s a ham sandwich.”

BIDEN: “It can’t be. I had my lunch in one box and the paperwork in another, and I stopped and ate my lunch before coming here… wait the lunch was kind of dry.”

CLERK: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t put Obama on the ballot if all you have is a ham sandwich.”

BIDEN: “Don’t make me rape and murder you!”

* Pew Research did a survey on what’s the first word that comes to mind when the Republican candidate names are mentioned. For Perry, it’s “Texas”, for Herman Cain, it’s “9-9-9” (successful branding!), and for Romney, it’s “Mormon” — which is way better than the first word that comes to my mind. They also did a survey of the first words that came to mind when Obama was mentioned, but they couldn’t publish it because it was obscene.

* Hey it’s another half-billion loan of our tax money spent by Obama — this time to build electric cars in Finland. When Obama talks about the jobs he’s saved and created, is he talking America or worldwide? At least this company hasn’t gone out of business like Solyndra — and why would they; Finland has a very stable, non-Obama economy.

So, yeah, let’s give Obama hundreds of billions more to spend; he’s super smart with it.

* British and American lawyers had a debate in Philadelphia about whether the Declaration of Independence was legal. The British lawyers argued that secession was not the proper tool by which to settle internal arguments, and the Americans countered by shooting them with muskets.

Works every time.

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

The left are extremely racist because they don’t get called on it. The right is constantly wary of racism, but the left don’t have to worry. They’re for high taxes. They can’t be racist.

So what’s the chance of nice Christians now running Libya?

Remember when Obama vowed to kill Qdaffy if he was elected? He’s a man who keeps all his promises.

Herman Cain: “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.”

So the White House really isn’t going to stop Biden from going around threatening to rape people if the jobs bill isn’t passed?

Anyway, the point is, I want you to hear what I have to say, but I don’t want to hear what you have to say.

I still don’t get the point of Legos videogames. What’s next? “Playing Outside: The Videogame”.

The World Series is on again? But it was just on yesterday. I thought it came on once a year.

“But there is no joy in Mudville – mighty Casey was intentionally walked.”

So baseball is all about beards these days.

Watching the World Series just feels like a duty as a citizen. Like jury duty. I tried getting out of it.

I don’t care who wins or loses. The important things is there aren’t extra innings so I can go to bed.

I can’t not vote

Posted by on

There are still some people that don’t like any of the Republicans that are running. Or, at least, don’t like the ones polling the best.

Currently leading the pack is Atlanta businessman Herman Cain. He’s the guy who has no chance whatsoever, despite leading the polls. Some people don’t like him because he has no experience in politics, except for losing a Senate race (2nd in a 3-man primary). He’s too conservative for moderates. He’s too black (color) for some liberals and not black (racial stereotype) enough for other liberals. And he has too much testosterone for Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann fans. He’s trending up.

Then there’s Mitt Romney, who everybody hates and the media and GOP establishment has declared the frontrunner, even though he currently polls in second place. Front-runner must not mean what I thought it meant. He’s too liberal for anyone who’s not a liberal. He’s trending neither up nor down.

Rick Perry was the great hope before he ran. Once he declared he was running, suddenly nobody liked him any more. His being a former Democrat hurts him with conservatives. Supporting some benefits for illegals hurts him too. After briefly leading the polls, he’s now third or fourth, depending on the poll. But he’s trending down.

There’s Newt Gingrich, who was written off months ago but is in 3rd or 4th place, depending on the poll, and trending up. He lead the conservative takeover of Congress back in the Clinton years, but committed the unforgivable sins of sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi and supporting a RINO over a TEA Party candidate in New York in 2010. Plus, he pisses people off by being smarter than them. I can relate.

Then there’s Ron Paul, who’s been nuts for years and keeps getting nuts following him. Including two children that share my DNA. Kids. What are you gonna do? Anyway, Ron Paul has really crazy followers who either take too much drugs or not enough medication. He’s got like 3 really good ideas and 800 really nutty ones. His followers focus on the 3 good ones when they argue, then slip up and tell you how evil Jews are and how the Twin Towers were blown up by George Bush. Like I said, crazy. He’s trending up.

Michele Bachmann is trending down. She’s like the hot chick you wanted to date, then while sitting in the restaurant, you realize that she talks to the silverware. She’s still hot, but you keep thinking she’s going to go all Glenn Close on you and you’ll find your rabbit in the kitchen.

Jon Huntsman is still hanging around because some libertarians — and a bunch of liberaltarians — like him. Probably because he thinks pot should be given out instead of condoms. Or something. I was never quite sure what he was saying. Philosophically, he’s what you get if you cross Ron Paul and Mitt Romney. Now, go get that image out of your head.

Sarah Palin and Chris Christie aren’t running this year, though they still have fans thinking they will.

Now, despite the things I listed about the candidates that different people don’t like, there are groups that like each of these candidates, and like them a lot. Way too much, for some.

There are some Ron Paul or Rick Perry or Sarah Palin or Michele Bachman fans that say they won’t vote for anyone but their candidate. They focus on the things about the candidates that they don’t like (can you count to 999?) and say how unqualified that makes that candidate.

“I’ll never vote for Newt Gingrich!” or “If they nominate Herman Cain, I won’t vote” or “RONPAUL!!!1!!!” or the like.

Honestly, there are things about each candidate that I don’t like. Been that way since the 1976 election, the first where I was old enough to vote.

There are some candidates I really like (though, like I said, not everything they say), some I like okay, and some that I really don’t like. But, come November 2012, I’m going to vote.

Over the last several months, and again Thursday, someone said to me that if the election came down to a certain candidate (rhymes with Sherman Payne) against Obama, he wouldn’t vote. Others have said something similar in the past.

I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t not vote.

You see, if we end up with a candidate that we don’t really like — I won’t name names, but say his name rhymes with Ritt Momney — I still can’t sit the election out.

Think about it. Who will vote for those candidates? People that really like them. What kind of people would really like Barack Obama or some polarizing Republican? You already think the people that support those candidates are nuts. Well, yeah, they might be. And they’ll vote.

I may have two crazy candidates from which to choose, but I would rather choose than let a bunch of crazies choose between the crazies. I’ll vote for the least worst, and I’m responsible if that candidate wins. Plus, I’ll know I did everything I could to prevent the most worst candidate from winning.

I can’t not vote. I may not like the final choices, but I’m not going to go off crying like a little tittie baby who got his toy took from him.

I can deal with it.

Nuke the News: Obama Making All the Right Choices, Demands, and Only $1.99!

Posted by on

* Reports are that Qdaffy is captured or dead or something. I hope they give him a proper Muslim burial and chuck him in the sea.

* In an interview with Jake Tapper, Obama said, “I believe all the choices we’ve made have been the right ones.” So look at the state of the country right now. THIS IS WHAT HE MEANT TO DO! Isn’t that basically admitting to treason? Why won’t someone go arrest him? Maybe he’s replaced all federal officials with terrorists. He really did think of everything. All his choices have been the right ones… FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF THIS COUNTRY!

* Here’s an interesting factoid: Obama has gotten more Wall Street money than all the Republicans combined. But he stands with the 99%. Or at least with THEIR MONEY THAT WAS TAKEN FROM THEM BY GREEDY WALL STREET BANKERS!

* But don’t worry: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is on top of our economic problem. He said:

“The massive layoffs we have had in America today, of course, are rooted in the last administration, and it is very clear that private sector jobs are doing just fine.”

Wait? He thinks that the massive losses in private sector jobs is “just fine”. He’s a part of the “right” decisions Obama has been making! HE WANTS OUR ECONOMY TO CRUMBLE! Why are these people out there destroying the nation and not in prison? And who are these “Nevadans” who keep electing Reid? Why aren’t they also in prison?

* And it only gets worse from this administration. Right now, Joe Biden is going around THREATENING TO RAPE EVERYONE! If the jobs bill isn’t passed, he has vowed to rape everyone he can. Here’s what he said at a recent townhall meeting:

“You are going to pass this jobs bill or I am going to rape you. You, listening to this now — you will be raped. You can try to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, but nothing will stop me from raping everyone if this bill isn’t passed.”

Again, why do we let these people walk the streets of our nation? Isn’t anyone watching them?

* Occupy Wall Street is still out there being angry at stuff, and they’re still working on exactly what that stuff is. Luckily, they now have a Demands Working Group to work on their demands. As part of that, they may have a discussion on what demands are… so once they figure what a demand is, I’m sure they’ll have lots of them.

Organizing hippies has to be like herding kittens… except kittens don’t smell so bad.

* Wisdom of the Day: “There should be a high-end steak house called Carl’s Sr.” –Dave Weigel

* Getting close to the time to really start pimping my new ebook Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

It now has an Amazon page ready for preorder (though, since it’s an ebook, it doesn’t make much difference if you preorder it or get it on the day it comes out — November 15th — same day as the new reading device the Kindle Fire). My book is also at all the other ebook sellers.

And it’s only $1.99.

Yes, it’s a short ebook. But you’ll get your $1.99 worth guaranteed. The part where I compare Obama to every previous president is worth the price of admission alone.

So everyone has to buy it. At $1.99, you have no excuse. If you’re rich enough to be reading this blog on some internet connected screen, then you’re rich enough to have $1.99. What is that; less than twenty minutes work at minimum wage? And you have between now and November 15th to save it up. So you will buy this book. No excuses.