Archive of entries posted on 5th March 2012

GM Halts Production of Volt, Receives $100 Billion Retooling Grant

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DETROIT (AP) – General Motors announced that it would no longer manufacture its cutting edge electric car, the Chevy Volt, citing poor sales figures and mounting losses. Instead, GM said it will accept a $100 billion dollar grant from the federal government to retool its Hamtramck, Michigan, production facilities to build more profitable, non-automotive products.

“Can I borrow a cup of electricity?”

While the specifics of the new product lines are still being debated within both the GM boardroom and smoky backrooms on Capitol Hill, General Motors spokesman Chris Lee held a press conference announcing the products his bosses hoped would return financial stability to the venerable 103-year-old company.

“Solyndra’s bankruptcy,” said Lee, “left a warehouse full of overpriced, unusable solar parts. Since the government already paid for those with a $500 million loan guarantee, it only makes sense that GM should use government money to buy those parts again, thus maintaining the level of federal spending that is the foundation of America’s vibrant economy.”

“Since GM doesn’t make a solar panels, we will likely just bolt the parts to bumpers of 2012 Chevy Sonics and pray that hipsters start liking them ironically.”

“Also,” continued Lee, “we’ve determined that the tiny springs used in the Volt’s suspension system are, coincidentally, perfectly suited for use in ‘Obama 2012’ click-top pens and bobblehead dolls, thus allowing for full repurposing of our current unused inventory.”

GM will also use its grant money to buy out the bankrupted remains of Hostess bakeries.

“This is a match made in heaven,” said Lee. “Turns out that the golden sponge cake in Twinkies is – in both taste and consistency – nearly identical to the foam rubber padding used in the Volt’s driver and passenger seats.”

To offer GM your suggestions for products they should make instead of the Chevy Volt, use Twitter hashtag #ReplaceTheVolt

Nuke the News: Slut!

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I have a new New York Post column in which I introduce the phrase “kung fu fighting invisible ninjas”.

One of the greatest success stories of Barack Obama’s presidency has been his ability to govern despite hundreds of millions of Americans who just can’t stand the fact that the president is black. They’re also about 99.9999 percent invisible, but that’s not the salient point. The point is that they’re racist, which we all know is wrong, and good people have stood up to them, and thus far the presidency has survived.

Go read, enjoy, and then proclaim to all how smart and clever I am and that everyone should read me.

* So unemployment is crazy high, gas prices are skyrocketing, Iran is working towards nuclear weapons, so we need to… Oh! A radio talk show host called a woman who spent $3000 on contraception a slut! The president needs to drop everything and focus on that!

We have a lot of big problems in this country. What we also have are really boring problems and thus seem to easily latch on to distractions. We’re a country in dire need of Ritalin.

* Apple says they’re responsible for creating 514,000 jobs in this country. Not only did they create those jobs, but they didn’t forcefully confiscate any of our money to do it. And we got cool things like iPads as part of the deal. Obama took our money, lost jobs, and all we got out of the deal is him interrupting our favorite TV shows with his asinine speeches. So is Apple better at helping our country than Obama? Yes, but you can say the same for the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

* Andrew Breitbart wrote a column before he passed away: THE VETTING, PART I: BARACK’S LOVE SONG TO ALINSKY.

I guess Breitbart decided it was time to start looking into Obama’s background. Over three years into his presidency seems like a good time — especially when the rest of the media has refused to.

Also, the death of Breitbart has inspired the creater of HBO’s Carnivale to come out as a conservative. Hollywood is a hard place to work if you don’t mindlessly subscribe to all left-wing viewpoints. It’s a lot of biting your tongue to just do your job.

Oh, and I thought I never interacted with Andrew Breitbart, but I forgot that he once stole my race card. So I never got to meet him, but he once stole from me. That’s something, right?

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon G.:

Obama 2008: “This is the moment when our planet began to heal!”
Obama 2012: “Uh… I can probably hook you up with free rubbers.”

Random Thoughts

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The scary thing isn’t those whose religion influences their politics; it’s those whose politics are their religion.

It was wrong for Rush to call that girl a slut, but don’t pretend you weren’t all thinking it.

Rush’s point about how if we have to pay for her contraception then she should have to post sex videos was extremely valid, though.

Liberals parade a woman saying she’s going bankrupt from all her sex and get up in arms when she’s called a slut. Seems like entrapment.

We could have political discussion where we don’t call people sluts and wish death on each other. Not saying we should; just saying we could.

What I get from the left is that we’re over the whole right to privacy thing on bedroom stuff and have moved on to subsidizing it.

I know freedom is mildly difficult, but why doesn’t the left try to find a solution using freedom to the contraception problem? For instance, you could start a charity to give out free contraception. Isn’t that better than using the govt to force people to do things?

Unless the goal is to force people to do things they don’t want.

So the White House responded to Rush Limbaugh. Eventually they’ll be spending all their time responding to YouTube commenters.

Kind of find it weird how few of the stories claiming Rush called Fluke a slut actually quote the statement.

TANSTAFC

“I got a $3000 contraception bill while in a prestigious law school.” #FirstWorldProblems

I always make fun of undecideds, but SarahK is talking about us caucusing in Idaho on Tuesday, and I realized I’m undecided.

Not as bad as being undecided in the general, though. You’d have to keep your head down a hole for that.

I think I might be a Romney backer. He’s worn me down and grudgingly won my respect. Like John McClane; just can’t knock him down for good.

Of course, I like write in a newspaper now, so I don’t need to not vote and be objective or something stupid?

The left are apparently very ignorant about birth control and its easy availability.

I wish my statements about Fluke caused a national outcry 🙁

If the point of contraception was to allow promiscuity without a lot of out of wedlock births, it’s been an epic failure.

People make fun of abstinence education, but an objective look at the facts says attitudes about sex is the biggest problem.

The left thinks making contraception more available will help things. Can they ever fail so spectacularly that they actually change course?

If you want examples of people desperately clinging to old, failed ideas, look to “progressives.” They threw money at education. It got worse. They made contraception more available, out of wedlock birth skyrocketed. The did a war on poverty, and crime and poverty skyrocketed. And their solutions are always that they just need even more of their failed ideas. Why are they called “liberal” or “progressive”?

In this day and age, Rick Santorum is the radical and iconoclast and the hippie is the tired defender of the status quo.

Celebrated finishing my manuscript by watching the Breaking Dawn Rifftrax. Because that’s how the Flemings roll.

David Frum is a little troll — in a number of different senses of the term. Ignore him.

Did anyone ever find out how Fluke got a $3000 contraception bill? Did she hire a personal bodyguard for her groin?

Manuscript done! The next book will probably be on sale in July… about the time of my blogs 10th anniversary, incidentally.