The government will leave you alone as long as you pay the “Don’t tread on me” tax.

I thought you had to be on an Indian reservation to bet on America.

Betting on America? Voting for Obama is a bit like putting all our money on double zero.

Scientists are announcing that the Higgs Boson was located and then killed by Obama in a drone strike.

With outsourcing, illegal immigrants may have to go overseas to do all the jobs Americans don’t want to do.

They’re checking whether Arafat was poisoned so they can give his Nobel Peace Prize to whoever did that.

Why is Obama asking if I have an offshore bank account? Will he tax me if I don’t have one?

I don’t know why Obama ever thought he could be a good president. I hope whoever was his high school guidance counselor was fired.

The president is so whiny I want to see his birth certificate to prove he’s not a little girl.

Obama lost $500 million on Solyndra and another $100 million betting he could beat the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken.

We keep hearing how bad the jobs situation is, but how have hobbies been doing?

I don’t know who Guy Fieri is beyond the fact that I intensely hate him.

Why did Spider-Man get all the powers of a spider except for blood drinking?

I hope Obama already ordered the fake Greek columns for his DNC speech because those take a while to make.

Don’t try and sell me a Wes Anderson film by saying it’s filled with “whimsy.” Tell me when he lays off the frick’n whimsy.

Can we use the Higgs Boson to make a warp drive or resurrect dinosaurs or can I go back to not caring?

Has Obama considering solving unemployment through a not having a job tax?