[High Praise! to Hyscience]
Archive of entries posted on 15th October 2012
The Secret You Need to Tell All Your Democrat Friends
If Obama Were Your Houseguest
[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]
I suppose technically this would be a horror movie…
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #10,060)
Wisdom of the Day: iPhones Biden HD Santa
iPhones are like children. They stop working when you throw them off a roof.
— Anti Joke Apple (@antijokeapple) October 12, 2012
If Ryan can’t stand up to Biden, how can he stand up to… whoever the vice president of Al Qaeda is?
— Simon Maloy (@SimonMaloy) October 12, 2012
Accidentally turned the TV to a non-HD channel. Ruined my whole day.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 12, 2012
My kids don’t believe in Santa because he never brings them anything.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) October 15, 2012
Obama to Be Enshrined on Mount Rushmore
You’ve Been Judged!
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “After the debate, Obama said to Biden… ”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Link of the Day: Is Obama the First Woman President?
[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]
Honest Question: Where Are The Men?
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Where Solutions to America’s Problems Come From
Found this nice review of my new book. So I assume everyone here has read it by now, so the focus should be on implementing my ideas. We got this stupid presidential election stealing all the focus, though. I mean, I got all the solutions to everything right in my book
So buy my book!
A Moment With Joe Biden: Helping Big Bird
[by Son of Bob]
And now, a moment with Joe Biden…
BIDEN: …but there are some folks on the other side that want to cut off funding to PBS. PBS! Apparently, they have a problem with Big Bird. I’m serious. I’m serious folks. These folks are upset because a few million dollars goes to help fund Sesame Street. Such a worthwhile program. Tax dollars well spent, I’ll tell ya. Well, I know a lot of families that love Big Bird, whose kids learned to read and write, in part, from watching Big Bird. So, when Romney cuts funding to PBS, Big Bird will go away. He’ll go away folks. How else are they going to get the money to produce these great programs? How? I mean, c’mon man, how much can they possibly make by selling some clothing, and toys, and making movies? These shows cost thousands of dollars to produce. A business like that can’t survive without help from the government… everybody knows that. But, apparently not these Republicans. They think that somehow a show like Sesame Street or Barney the Dinosaur can make enough money just by selling merchandise to keep on going. Apparently, they just don’t understand how businesses work…
This has been a moment with Joe Biden.
Horrible Horrible Sharing
Ragu has had some interesting ads lately. My sister heard this one on the radio and it seemed worth sharing:
The roll call one is good too.
Obama Thinks the Answer to Everything is Racism
[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]
I strongly recommend checking out the whole post at The Looking Spoon, because there’s about a dozen of these over there, and the humor of them has a cumulative effect.
Space Jump
So a guy jumped from space. This is horrible.
When I was a kid, I was told by now we’d have a colony on the moon. And if you just felt like vacationing to the moon, you just go ahead and do so. The golf courses there would be great.
Instead, we now can’t even get down from space properly.
“Hey, I’m stuck in space.”
“Well, we can’t send a rocket to get you because we don’t have those anymore. I guess you’ll just have to jump.”
How low tech is that? We can’t even get to the moon anymore and now to get out of space we have to jump.
OBAMA!!!!
Straight Line of the Day: Joe Biden’s Teeth…
Nobel Participant Prize
Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.
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According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.
“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”
The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.
“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”
In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.
“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”
The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.
“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”
Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.
It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.
NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.
9 Pieces of Advice for Obama in the Next Debate
Hey, so I’m back!
Yeah, I was gone. I totally was.
Whatever, anyway, I know what you’re all saying, “Can’t you help out Obama in the debate tomorrow?” And really I should help him out because he’s the president of the United States and just seems so scared confused all the time. You really feel for the little guy.
Anyway, Obama needs to be aggressive for this next debate. In the last one, he let Romney run all over him. This time, he need to come out full force with everything he has. That will really get the left to love him again. Here’s some ideas:
ADVICE FOR OBAMA’S NEXT DEBATE
* It’s going to be a town meeting style debate, but you can’t give people the idea it’s okay to question you. So if one question from a citizen seems negative, immediately drop to the floor, start pounding the ground, and scream, “I’m the president! I’m the president!”
* If you disagree with anything Romney says, don’t just stand there. Cover your ears and screech, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
* When you shake hands with Romney at the beginning, bite him. But be careful; that can come off poorly if done wrong.
* If you don’t have a good answer for any question — like any questions about the horrible economy — just say, “I killed bin Laden! Bin Laden dead because ME!”
* If something Romney says frustrates you, throw some papers around and shout, “Me angry!”
* Take a low dosage of the Joker venom so you can smile all the time like Biden.
* Scream “Ahhhhhhh!” constantly so no one can hear what Romney is saying.
* If what Romney says about your job as president is especially mean, don’t be afraid to cry.
* Finally, if things seem to be going poorly, just run off the stage screaming, “I hate all of you! This is stupid!”
If you do these things, Obama, you’ll be the hero of the left again. Like Alan Grayson.