Hey, so I’m back!
Yeah, I was gone. I totally was.
Whatever, anyway, I know what you’re all saying, “Can’t you help out Obama in the debate tomorrow?” And really I should help him out because he’s the president of the United States and just seems so scared confused all the time. You really feel for the little guy.
Anyway, Obama needs to be aggressive for this next debate. In the last one, he let Romney run all over him. This time, he need to come out full force with everything he has. That will really get the left to love him again. Here’s some ideas:
ADVICE FOR OBAMA’S NEXT DEBATE
* It’s going to be a town meeting style debate, but you can’t give people the idea it’s okay to question you. So if one question from a citizen seems negative, immediately drop to the floor, start pounding the ground, and scream, “I’m the president! I’m the president!”
* If you disagree with anything Romney says, don’t just stand there. Cover your ears and screech, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
* When you shake hands with Romney at the beginning, bite him. But be careful; that can come off poorly if done wrong.
* If you don’t have a good answer for any question — like any questions about the horrible economy — just say, “I killed bin Laden! Bin Laden dead because ME!”
* If something Romney says frustrates you, throw some papers around and shout, “Me angry!”
* Take a low dosage of the Joker venom so you can smile all the time like Biden.
* Scream “Ahhhhhhh!” constantly so no one can hear what Romney is saying.
* If what Romney says about your job as president is especially mean, don’t be afraid to cry.
* Finally, if things seem to be going poorly, just run off the stage screaming, “I hate all of you! This is stupid!”
If you do these things, Obama, you’ll be the hero of the left again. Like Alan Grayson.
* Take advantage of the fact that you know a lot of celebrities. Toss in statements like “You know, just the other day I was discussing foreign aid for Egypt with my friend Snoop Dog…”
use the term “poopy head” a lot.
take the red pill.
on second thought, don’t take any of your meds. a little randomness can look macho.
practice your “death stare”, but not the one Michelle uses as it looks buggy eyed.
* If Romney starts bad-mouthing your stimulus bill again, just proclaim, “I’m taking the bus and you won’t see me at the pancake social!” and walk out.
you smoke, right, Mr. Prez? light up a Marlboro and wear a fedora for the Bogart tough guy look.
challenge Romney to arm wrestling. scratch that. those stick arms couldn’t win anything.
Whenever it looks like Romney is scoring points…fart…loudly.
quote random lines from The Godfather in your best Don Corleone voice.
in the animal kingdom many creatures use visual display to dominate lesser members of the flock or herd. so, strut like a bantam rooster.
also from the aniumal kingdom, “mark” Romney’s podium as a sign of dominance.
disassemble your ball point pen and blow spit wads at the moderator to keep them from asking you impertinent questions.
tear off your shirt and begin hoisting dumbells and flexing while shouting, “Paul Ryan’s got nothing on THIS!”
work in the phrase “you meddling kids!”
every time Romney sounds like he’s criticizing you or your policies shout, “I object!”
BARRACK SMASH!
if romney seems to be getting the better of you, pull a slice of roast dog out of you pocket, wave it at him then take a big bite.
no one will know what it means, but all will be amazed.
* Loudly announce: “WAFFLE BREAK!!”
Keep teleprompter hidden in the podium so it can give you the answers. If someone discovers him, just pretend you are pulling up your zipper.
Robin is a hero of the left? Well, he is a petulant sidekick, so I guess it fits.
Obama should definitely wear green tights to the debate. With a yellow mini cape. And periodically kick out his leg toward Romney when he makes a good point. Not only will it be distracting, but it won’t be visible on the split screen because it focuses on their faces.
If it gets too quiet during the debate, simply prance and dance aroun d the stage while singing old show tunes. It gets their attention every time.
Admit it was all a horrible mistake, beg America to forgive you, then lead the audience in saying The Pledge of Allegiance (with your hand over your heart).
Or just make sure you have a bigger flag pin than Romney.