Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
A new study shows that people who ignore texts are happier. Other keys to happiness…
Archive of entries posted on December 2013
When Will Obama Voters Answer for Their Racism?
So in the latest episode of MSNBC’s show “That’s Raaaacist!”, the term “Obamacare” is racist. I hope you all feel enlightened by that.
Of course, if Obamacare is a slur, doesn’t a lot of that fall on Obama for making Obamacare suck so badly? A joke Reagan told was that he knew his economic plans were working because people stopped calling it “Reganomics,” but the opposition is still calling the ACA Obamacare and will do so for years to come.
But why is the racism always focused on those opposed to Obama? When will those who elected him answer for their racism? Years from now, people will look back at this obvious useless idiot Obama and be really confused how he was elected and reelected. And a lot of that is because so many people saw Obama and thought “black man” would they should have instead thought “incompetent, arrogant, unaccomplished dimwit.” Obama was never a triumph over racism so much as a symptom of it.
A job for Obama
After January 20, 2017 — a date which can’t come soon enough — Barack Obama will be in a position he’s placed millions of Americans in: he’ll be out of a job.
But, he has his eyes set on a new job already: he wants to host SportsCenter.
Now, some people laughed when they heard that. But consider: he has the qualifications.
For instance, I bet you thought the NBA team in Miami was the Miami Heat. Not so. Obama knows what no other person on this planet knows: it’s the Miami Heats.
His bowling prowess is legendary. Not only did he bowl a 37 when he was running for president, after he took office, he compared his bowling skills to Special Olympics. That’s the kind of skill and commentary that’s missing from sports today.
Of course, he would bring a unique perspective to our nation’s pastime. Not just the mom jeans, or his little sister pitching style, but his unique knowledge of Chicago’s Kaminsky Field, which most residents of the Windy City don’t even know exists.
Some of you say he has no qualifications to host SportsCenter. But, lack of qualifications didn’t keep him out of the White House, did it?
What do you think? Is SportsCenter host a good fit for Obama? Or is there a better job out there for him?
Random Thoughts: Finished Book, MSNBC, and Knockout Game
Turned in the manuscript for my next book today. It’s a good feeling.
This will be another humor book. Still working on getting my fiction published, but making progress there — albeit slowly.
Anyway, this next humor book will be out in print and not just ebook — like I’m a real author — though no idea when that will be.
Every day I hope to find in the mail the DNA test that’s the first part of getting your Twitter account verified.
Why doesn’t MSNBC have a nightly show titled “That’s raaaaacist!”?
When you have two knockout game players try to knock each other out, that’s just called “boxing.”
Economics: It Has Laws
Organizers of a movement demanding a $15-an-hour wage for fast-food workers sponsored a one-day strike in 100 cities last week.
If successful, expect the Dollar Menu to be replaced by the Hour Menu.
College Football Playoffs 2013
Next year, the NCAA begins a 4-team playoff for the college football national championship.
This is in addition to the three other college football national championships the NCAA already has: Division 1 FCS (1-AA) on January 4, 2014 in Frisco, Texas; Division II on December 21, 2013, in Florence, Alabama; and Division III (the Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl) on December 20, 2013, in Salem, Virginia.
Division 1 FBS (Division 1-A), finally gets a playoff of sorts next year. This year, it’s still the BCS. And, as always, it’s true that you can’t spell BCS without BS. I don’t know what to say about next year’s “playoff” other than it’s a half-ass attempt to get it right.
Here’s what’s right, and what I’ve been proposing for years: A 16-team playoff, consisting of a field of the 10 conference champions, plus the five highest-ranked non-conference champions.
The questions are how to pick the five “wild card” teams, and how to seed the teams. Minor details. But, the major details are the 16-team field with the conference champs.
Now, how to pick the “wild card” teams? I’m gonna use the Coaches Poll. Or the BCS standings. They are close, but not quite the same, both in teams and in ranking.
First, the easy part: Here are the conference champs, who get an automatic bid:
| Conference | Champion | Record | Coaches Poll |
|---|---|---|---|
| Atlantic Coast Conference | Florida State | 13-0 | 1 |
| Southeastern Conference | Auburn | 12-1 | 2 |
| Big Ten Conference | Michigan State | 12-1 | 4 |
| Big 12 Conference | Baylor | 11-1 | 5 |
| Pacific-12 Conference | Stanford | 11-2 | 7 |
| American Athletic Conference | Central Florida | 11-1 | 15 |
| Mountain West Conference | Fresno State | 11-1 | 20 |
| Conference USA | Rice | 10-3 | 31 |
| Mid-American Conference | Bowling Green | 10-3 | 32 |
| Sun Belt Conference | Louisiana-Lafayette | 8-4 | NR |
Now, we add the “wild card” teams.
| Conference | Team | Record | Coaches Poll |
|---|---|---|---|
| Southeastern Conference | Alabama | 11-1 | 3 |
| Big Ten Conference | Ohio State | 12-1 | 6 |
| Southeastern Conference | South Carolina | 10-2 | 8 |
| Southeastern Conference | Missouri | 11-2 | 9 |
| Big 12 Conference | Oklahoma | 10-2 | 10 |
| Atlantic Coast Conference | Clemson | 10-2 | 11 |
I’d seed them by Coaches Poll, champions first — kinda like the NFL does — and match the teams up with Number 1 hosting Number 16, Number 2 hosting Number 15, and so on. And, I’d left the teams that lost in the first round still go to a bowl. The first-round losers will either be a conference champion, or a top 15 team. Most bowls would jump at either.
Here’s the seeding:
| Team | Qualification | Record | Coaches Poll |
|---|---|---|---|
| Florida State | Atlantic Coast Conference (Champion) | 13-0 | 1 |
| Auburn | Southeastern Conference (Champion) | 12-1 | 2 |
| Michigan State | Big Ten Conference (Champion) | 12-1 | 4 |
| Baylor | Big 12 Conference (Champion) | 11-1 | 5 |
| Stanford | Pacific-12 Conference (Champion) | 11-2 | 7 |
| Central Florida | American Athletic Conference (Champion) | 11-1 | 15 |
| Fresno State | Mountain West Conference (Champion) | 11-1 | 20 |
| Rice | Conference USA (Champion) | 10-3 | 31 |
| Bowling Green | Mid-American Conference (Champion) | 10-3 | 32 |
| Louisiana-Lafayette | Sun Belt Conference (Champion) | 8-4 | NR |
| Alabama | Southeastern Conference (Wild Card) | 11-1 | 3 |
| Ohio State | Big Ten Conference (Wild Card) | 12-1 | 6 |
| South Carolina | Southeastern Conference (Wild Card) | 10-2 | 8 |
| Missouri | Southeastern Conference (Wild Card) | 11-2 | 9 |
| Oklahoma | Big 12 Conference (Wild Card) | 10-2 | 10 |
| Clemson | Atlantic Coast Conference (Wild Card) | 10-2 | 11 |
And, here are the first round games:
- Clemson at Florida State
- Oklahoma at Auburn
- Missouri at Michigan State
- South Carolina at Baylor
- Ohio State at Stanford
- Alabama at Central Florida
- Louisiana-Lafayette at Fresno State
- Bowling Green at Rice
Some really good match ups in the first round, and some really lame ones, under my seeding. But, seeding is a minor detail.
Put a 16-team playoff like this in place, and, whoever is left standing at the end, whether it’s an eighth-straight SEC team, a team from the Sun Belt, or one of the other quality teams on this list, and you’ll have a true national champion.
Are You Sure You Want to Do This?
[High Praise! to After Math]
[reference link for those unfamiliar with paper matches]
Blues Brothers Mall Chase Scene (Lego Stop-Motion Animation)
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #272,453)
If you’re curious as to how it stacks up against the original, here’s the side-by-side comparison video.
Death From Above
The Pentagon has placed an order for three-dozen, state-of-the-art micro-drones that resemble birds and can be launched by hand.
That should be a very effective tool, as long as the enemy doesn’t have a lot of wind farms.
Segway: Now With Testosterone
Link of the Day: Does Progress Follow Effort?
[High Praise! to 4of7 of Little Worlds]
4of7 asks the question that plagues every artist (and, indeed, any human being who ever attempts to improve himself): “Am I any better now than when I started?”
Click over and judge for yourself.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Wisdom of the Day: Baby Dinner Phone
[looking at photo of baby]
uhh, i dont even *shrugs* what do you want me to say?
*girl snatches photo back*
i mean it's definitely a baby
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 6, 2013
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Which Is A Problem Because My Parents Are Horribly Prejudiced Against Board Games.
— Sean (@asimplesean) December 6, 2013
Thanks for leaving my side, only person I know at this party. I'll just be here staring down at my phone, wishing for the world to end.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 6, 2013
Mission: Impossible
Families USA, a “non-partisan organization”, was given a $1.1 million grant to gather “success stories” of Americans dealing with Obamacare.
Guess all the unicorn- & yeti-hunting grants dried up.
Obama Warned Us – The American Military
It’s not the powerful weapons that make our military the strongest in the world. It’s not the sophisticated systems that make us the most advanced. The true strength of our military lies in the spirit and skill of our men and women in uniform.
BARACK OBAMA, speech, Aug. 17, 2009
“Too bad they no longer have a Commander-in-Chief worthy of them.”
NSA “Spying” on Video Games
So, apparently, the NSA has been spying on World of Warcraft and XBox Live — or I should say “spying.”
*boss walks in on NSA agents playing Call of Duty*
BOSS: “What are you doing?”
AGENT: “We’re… uh… spying on Call of Duty. It might be being used as a digital terrorist training camp. We don’t want them earning killstreaks in real life.”
BOSS: “Oh, okay. Carry on.”
AGENT: “Actually, next we’re going to have tournament to spy on Mario Kart if you want to join in.”