Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
A new handheld gadget scans your body and diagnoses illnesses in seconds. It also…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
A new handheld gadget scans your body and diagnoses illnesses in seconds. It also…
… is the only doctor you’re gonna get under Obamacare.
… automatically updates your file at the NSA.
… has a built-in voice that sounds suspiciously like DeForest Kelley.
…votes Democrat for you.
…send you the bill… it’s called a trickcorder.
… has a 3 handicap.
… sweeps out your lungs, changes your fluids (replaces your blood with ice water) and rotates your limbs.
… can assign you an illness if for some reason you don’t already have one.
…act as a Death Panel on you behalf.
…gives trekkies a woody
… can compute your personality problems to nine decimal places.
…has the ACA as it’s EULA
…analyses your ability to pay, and assigns treatment options on that basis.
oops…that shouldn’t have an apostrophe.
…has the ACA as its EULA
… provides a “sick note” for any reason. (With in-app purchase.)
… has the ability to figure out what the heck happened to Anonymiss.
Actually, I’m just kidding on that one. NOTHING can do that.
“..slices, dices, and makes julienne fries.”
… comes with a built-in library of outdated Reader’s Digest and People magazines, for those who feel deprived of their quality waiting room time.
…comes in two models. one calls everybody “Jim”, the other gives you pointy ears.
@17: “but wait! There’s more!”
…can tell if you’re a racist.
…makes you wait for 40 minutes before starting the scan which only takes seconds.
…tells you to quit smoking and gives you a prescription for marijuana.
… withholds this information until a sizable chunk of money is paid.
… goes “beep” and “beyoop,” which is pretty cool.
… will go the way of the car that runs on water, once the AMA hears about it.
A New Handheld Gadget Scans Your Body and Diagnoses Illnesses in Seconds. It Also…
… will perform a colonoscopy when you’re not looking. (Caution: It might destroy your clothes in the process.)
Reads your Insurance Card,
Notifies your local Death Panel,
Deducts payments from your accounts,
Informs the NSA of your Political Affiliations,
… will send nude photos of you to the TSA, the NSA, your Outlook contacts list, and your friends on Facebook.
… may send Janeane Garofalo into hysterics for some reason.
… has a “USDA Approved” tattoo applicator. Not sure what’s going on with this.
@18 – What about Highlights for Children?
…can answer every question your TV has told you to ‘ask your doctor’.
… is programmed to believe its mission way too vital for any sick humans to jeopardize; so be on the lookout for that.
… uploads urology findings to YourTubes.
…can blow up latex gloves to entertain the younger patients.
…slices, dices, and makes thousands of Julienne fries.
@17 – Just saw yours….
. . . .likes to perform prostate palpations and sigmoidoscopies, so the scan is a whole lot like the ACA.
. . . can keep its patient if it likes its patient.
. . . accepts Visa, MasterCard, and Discover.
. . . will prepare your federal income taxes for you, using form 1040-O (for Obama), which sends all your future paychecks to the IRS.
…can do the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.
…can sign you up for Obamacare in weeks instead of months.
A New Handheld Gadget Scans Your Body and Diagnoses Illnesses in Seconds. It Also…
…streams unlimited Netflix
…can diagnose problems with your car
…is a great addition to any home’s decor
…fits nicely in your pocket. (Is that a handheld body scanner or are you just happy to see me?)
…has an accuracy rate of 32.76%
… has a weak sense of humor, because it calls its results a diode-gnosis.
… allows you to tweet an inner-selfie.
It goes “ping!” (This is my favorite). You see we lease it back from the company we sold it to and that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
…complies with the ACA by asking you prying questions about your sexual habits, responding with automated laughter. Ends by signing you up on eHarmony and charging you $20 to view your “matches.”
…reminds you to ask your doctor if any medicine is good for you.