STAR WARS SPOILERS*

Yes, that’s right I’m going to ruin it all, right here and now by giving away the biggest secrets the new Star Wars movie has to offer (even though I haven’t seen it yet)!

*WARNING: Do not venture beyond the break if you don’t wish to have these secrets revealed to you!

• Chewie meets up with his long lost twin brother, Krunchee!

• Bruce Willis’ character has been dead the whole time!

• Uncredited cameo by Kanye West, interrupting a monologue by Kylo Ren to say, “Yo, Kylo, I-I’m really happy for you, I’m-a let you finish, but I just gotta say that the Babylonians had one of the best Empires of all time!”

• Boba Fett… still being slowly digested.

• The leader of the new Sith Empire? No, not Jar-Jar… C-3PO!!!

• Rosebud is a sled!

• Han Solo’s long rumored demise? He’s killed, quite ironically, by a malfunctioning door aboard the Millennium Falcon!

Sy Snootles is the third cousin twice removed of Watto!!!

• The Resistance (nee The Rebellion) finally makes up for a dreadful oversight when they hold a special ceremony to give a long-overdue medal to… Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen intergalactic diplomacy and cooperation between star systems,” citing Obama’s promotion of Death Star nonproliferation and a “new climate” in interplanetary relations fostered by Obama, especially in reaching out to the Sith Lords.

• Kylo Ren takes off his mask to reveal… he’s actually Max Rebo!

• The reason Luke doesn’t appear in any of the posters or trailers… just call him Caitlyn!

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