Straight Line of the Day: Frank J. Should Run for President on a Platform of…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Frank J. should run for President on a platform of…

32 Comments

  1. …70’s footwear.

    …no amount of lead in the water will make him dumber than a Democrat.

    …protecting us from his Secret Service detail.

    …replacing the daily news briefing with random thoughts. Just not daily.

    …chants of Four More Years are for four more White House Comic-Con hostings.

    …Vice President Harvey will actually be the one with his finger on the button, of the autopen.

  2. …. Austin Values!

    AFD: Man Set Fire To Rug To Let People Know He Isn’t a ‘Loser’ (Austin, TX)
    kxan | Jan. 16, 2016 | William Milm

    … Investigators spoke to the suspect’s mother, who said she found Hodge sitting on the floor next to a small fire on the rug. She began yelling at Hodge, who then picked up the burning rug and set it outside next to wood siding, which caused minor fire damage.

    Sitting in a patrol car outside Hodge told investigators he was inside his room when he began to get in a bad mood due to a program he was watching about politics. He then burned a Syria hat with a lighter and placed it on the rug, all the while recording the scene on Instagram, according to Hodge, to make a political statement and to let people know he is not a ‘loser.’

    “A Check-In with every pot, and a char in every Grrr-Hodge”

  3. … anything at all but this:

    [Frank J] Relaxes By Singing Show Tunes
    The Washington Post | February 2 | Alexandra Petri

    For at least the second time in recent days, the Texas [author’s] wife, [SarahK], has described his method of relieving tension during anxious campaign moments: show tunes.

    “He’ll call me and just sing me a Broadway tune,” Mrs. [Fleming] told a crowd here on Tuesday.

    It can happen without warning, “right before one of these debates” or “in a stressful moment in a state,” she said.

    It is usually well received — “he never ceases to defuse a stressful moment with a moment of levity,” Mrs. [Fleming] said — but not always.

    “I’m thinking, ‘I’m on a finance call right now,’ “ Mrs. [Fleming] recalled. “Do you really need to be doing this?”

  4. @22 rodney dill:

    Great suggestion!

    Instead of kissing babies (since he has enough of those), Frank can hand out BACON! at campaign events. It would be a great way to attract low-information voters and force them to listen to conservative views. And the pork farmers would love him. Yeah, he’d win Iowa, for sure.

    Get hot, Frank.

    (Oppo – you can’t get a rise out of Frank, regardless of how hard you try. The guy is just incognito – either that or he’s stuck in the kitchen (barefoot) washing baby bottles or in the laundry holding smelling the ammonia from dirty diapers, etc., etc.)

  5. @22, @28

    Great suggestion, indeed! Frank should buy lots of bacon. We Iowans don’t care whether he gives it away, eats it himself, uses it as a sex aid, burns it – just as long as he buys it. We have twenty million pigs here (while California has San Franciscans, because we got first choice), and they’re all just dying (quite literally) to be turned into bacon, spare ribs, Italian sausage, ham, pork chops, pork tenderloin (I’ll stop here before I get too hungry). His campaign slogan can be Make a Pig of Yourself for Frank!

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