Archive of entries posted on 6th September 2019

All Che Wants To Do Is Dance

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[To the tune of Don Henley’s “All She Wants To Do Is Dance”]

♪

They’ve been picking up pensioners
And giving them a pen:
And all they want to vote are Dems.
Libs have been trouble
Since I don’t know when
And all they want to vote are Dems.

They’ll register everything but the kitchen sink
Never leave it up to chance
They mix up the right
With everything that stinks
It works on all of those who are dense.

Crazy Biden on the screen with blood in his eyes
And all they want is a dunce, dunce, dunce
Wild-eyed pistol-grabbers who ain’t afraid to lie
And all they want to do is —
All they wish you knew is —
Dense.
And fake comments.

They want defeat
Comin’ off Wall Street
They want their party
They want a let-down
And all of this to-do is —
All they want’s another France.

Well the government bugged Trump’s boardroom
Without probable cause
And all they say is “It’s not spying.”
They keep the boys in business
With weapons and laws
And they shrug and say that they weren’t trying.

Yeah, but that don’t keep the boys from making a buck or two
On MS-NBC
Selling out the country
Like the guns that they sold too
They’re all Che wannabees
And all Che wannabees are fools
Who play the rules.

Well, of course, they’re off to Cherbourg
On the last plane out
On CNN in the airport
They can hear the people shout:
They said, “Don’t get caught in hanky-panky
But if you ever do
Be sure to bring some money
‘Cause all we want is our advance…
And Macron’s pants.”

They want defeat
Comin’ off Wall Street
They want their party
They want a let-down
All they want to do is —
All they want to be is —
France.

♩♩♪

Buttigieg Accidentally Reads Generic Call For Stronger Gun Laws With Blanks Not Filled In

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“Hmmm… maybe I should have made it multiple choice?

“OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – In a gaffe which may or may not have serious long-term consequences for his already stumbling, bumbling, lackluster, low-polling campaign, Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg jumped the gun – so to speak – by holding a press conference and reading aloud from a pre-written statement calling for stronger gun laws. Unfortunately, his staffers forgot to fill in the blanks to reflect the latest mass shooting, and “Mayor Pete” – blinded, perhaps, by teleprompter fever – read the statement verbatim.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. I come here to note with [sensitive-sounding emotion] the tragic loss of life in [name of city] in the great state of [name of great state]. In this horrific shooting, [number] people were shot, and [smaller number] people were killed in an act of [intensifying adjective] violence. We also do not rule out racism, as [even smaller number] of innocent [collective skin color adjective] people lost their lives during this incident. Unquestionably, it is now time to pass [law that wouldn’t have prevented the shooting, even if it had been obeyed, unlike the law against murder which was utterly disregarded] to make sure this never happens again. Thank you.”

Buttigieg campaign spokesman Joseph Isuzu offered an interpretation of events that the candidate’s critics may or may not find plausible.

“Some people are suggesting,” said Isuzu, “that because this statement appeared to be written out far in advance, it means that your beloved Mayor Pete is a two-bit, snake-eyed, confidence man completely devoid of human emotions or decency. Nothing could be further from the truth. Pete read his all-purpose statement because he believes – as I’m sure all of us do – that all people who are victims of mass shootings – even ones who haven’t been shot yet – are of equal value and deserve the same consideration. Specifically, their value as faceless, interchangeable pawns in our gun-grabber game of thrones. Which actually IS important to us. As are, in that very narrow sense, all of these victims Pete honors in his own personal, if non-specific, way.”

The timing appears especially unfortunate following Buttigieg’s stumble in CNN’s climate change town hall where he referred to Earth as [planet in solar system].

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