Here’s one from 2005 by SpaceMonkey. Or Spacemonkey. Or Space Monkey. We’re not really sure. — The Editors

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Warning!!!! (Mostly) Non-Political Humor Ahead.

What will be the next way to space?

Rockets? We’re using those now so ‘next’ doesn’t exactly apply. But since I brought them up, they are too expensive and too dangerous. And they are inconvenient, you have to endure all those gut-wrenching G forces,

“Hello lunch. Its… been a while.”

Then there’s the [sigh] fire. All these years have passed and humans are still using FIRE to get to space? Fire is something you yell for fun in a crowded theater, its not for exploring the final frontier.

Space Elevator? Electric, better than fire. But listening to elevator music for over 6 hours is enough to make just about anybody completely Dean out.

“Hmmm, was that the 23rd or the 24th time I’ve heard ‘New York, New York?”

“Do I care?”

“Why do I keep asking myself questions?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ack! Now I’m answering!”

duh duh dada dada DUH – Start spreading….the news…..-

“Yeaarrrrgh!”

And everybody dies.

And can you imagine standing, waiting, watching the floor indicator for that long either? No amount of small talk can fill a 6 hour elevator ride.

“Nice weather we’re having.”

“Yeah.”

“I wonder if the weather will be nice up at the space station.”

“Umm, There’s no weather in space.”

“But what about solar flares and coronal mass ejections?”

“Listen PSYCHO, I’ve got MACE and you are FOUR hours from a drinking fountain. Back off and keep any…mass ejections… to yourself!”

And somebody dies.

People go insane having to wait like that. For many of us, in an enclosed room, insane arrives in MUCH less than six hours. So the unbuilt, scary, space elevator is out.

The next way to space and you heard it here first or possibly elsewhere, is the….

Space Escalator. Yeah that’s right, a SPACE ESCALATOR. Imagine, if you will, riding an escalator all the way to space and back. Would that be awesome or what? Yes, the answer is yes. Yes, it would. The open air, the wide open vistas. Truly awe inspiring travel.

“AWWWWW”

I figure it could use a big carbon nanotube bean stalk deal like the space elevator would use but instead of being cooped up in a can all the way to space and back, you would hold the rail and it would just wind around the stalk in a double helix. One helix goes up, the other goes down, just like at the mall. Except for the helix part. That’s all me.

You could throw paper airplanes or rocks or hippies or whatever off and see how far they’d go and how long you can hear their screams. I’ll bet base jumpers would go nuts for a chance to jump off the space escalator. Sky diving, without the airplane! And for the hippies, without the parachute!

Safety issues are less serious too. If the electricity went out, you could just walk the rest of the way. Contrast that with the horror of enduring a power failure while inside a space elevator. Not scary enough? Imagine I’m one of the people trapped in there with you. In the dark. [shudder]

And everybody dies.

With a space escalator, the stairs’ direction of travel could be reversed in the event of an emergency like a power failure. That way you could just let gravity carry you back down and round and round and around and around and….ugh. Sorry got a little sick there. Sick, sure, but SAFE!

Think of the great fun the teens would have going the opposite way the escalator is moving. Up the down helix. Also just like at the mall!

I know at some point, on the way up and down, people making a trip on the space escalator will need air and stuff of that nature. That’s where I think people could board some sort of a little pressurized roller coaster cart like vehicle and that would do the trick. Equipped with parachutes for safety, they would turn any, um, mishap into the ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE!

Round and round and round. THEN…..

[LOUD SCREEEECHING NOISE].

“ARRGHH, WE”RE OFF THE TRACKS! ”

Faaaallllllll

“Wheeeeee! ”

“Keep hands and arms inside the spacecraft at all times, please.”

Faaaallllllll

“Wheeeeee!”

Then, the parachute opens. [Kachoonck] and you are pulled forward in your seat.

You ride that baby forward and backward, swaying under the parachute on down to earth. Arriving exhilarated and ready to ride again.

And NOBODY dies. Well, except for a few hippies.

That’s the next way to space, the Space Escalator. Folks, even the accidents are fun!