1. No cop ever said “I smell wine on your breath, with just a hint of a bouquet of blackberry.”

2. Those grapes need stomping, and I’m wearing just the boots to do it.

3. Grapes grow on beautiful sunny vines, not in a stinky chemical broth in a brewery or distillery vat that mobsters die in.

4. You can impress your date by knowing the difference between reds and whites.

5. 50% alcohol, if you slip the waiter a twenty.

6. Girls will order six glasses of wine, but not six boilermakers.

7. Pairs well with fish, chicken, beef, and putting your sportcoat on inside-out and leaving your credit card behind on the table.

8. Useful for changing the color of your shirt.

9. She looks like Pussy Galore when sipping it, and acts like her, too, later.

+ Note: If you order wine and say “Shaken, not stirred,” you will look like an amateur.

10. Waiter can usually buy a new car when you’re through.

11. But prices start at $1.09.

12. If you order champagne — a type of wine — be careful. Mess you up.

13. A wine flute differs from a musical flute in ways that scientists still haven’t discovered.

14. If you drink enough wine, the city, state, or county will help you go on a diet.

15. Joe Biden will sound just like you.

16. All women will start to look like MaryAnn and/or Ginger. And who doesn’t want to live in that world?