People are resigning from the Bush administration, and thus President Bush needs to find replacements. Here are some of my ideas:
Mr. T: Mr. T is always a good choice for everything because he’s a choice that will make you look tough since he’s tough. In fact, if you look up “tough” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Mr. T staring at you with pity for being such a fool that you had to look up “tough” in the dictionary. Plus, I believe Mr. T is a minority of some sort, which gives you 2X point multiplier in the game of politics, drastically increasing your progress towards earning an extra life.
One of Those Aliens that Screech as They Jump and Latch onto Your Face: If you knew President Bush has one of those aliens things that jumps on people’s faces in his cabinet, you’d probably leave him alone. This is a good appointment if President Bush just doesn’t want to be bothered during his last two years.
A Robot: It will inevitably happen one day, so why doesn’t President Bush be the first to appoint a robot to a political office. Of course, AI isn’t really that great for robots yet, but it doesn’t take complex programming for a robot to fulfill the functions of a political office. If you had a robot Ambassador to the UN, for instance, when it was going to a UN conference, all you would have to do is program it to kill whoever is talking and it would make a very effective American ambassador. That programming would also work for press conferences.
Rumsfeld with a Fake Mustache: “It’s not Donald Rumsfeld. It’s… uh… Ronald Dumsfeld! Yeah! That’s the ticket!”
Frank J.: People are always saying, “Hey, Frank, you like to tell politicians what they should do, yet you’re not willing to become one yourself. You’re a chickenhawk!” Fine, I’ll put my hat in the ring to become a politician. I’ll allow President Bush to appoint me to some position on a few conditions. First, I shouldn’t have to move to D.C. for it. I’ve lived in Maryland before, and I didn’t like it. I don’t see any reason in this day and age I can’t just do my work at home at my own computer. Second, I shouldn’t hear any complaints if I spend a lot of time blogging; that’s how I think. Finally, the pay better be right. I’m not a charity worker. You want me to save the country, you better be willing to put up some big bucks for it. If the President does meet these conditions, he will get the smartest man available who can solve absolutely any problem that comes before him as long as you never take nukes off the table.
Chuck Norris should be Secretary of War (no more of this sissified Secretary of Defense business) and use the *Power of Beard to bring peace to the middle east. He should also roundhouse kick the UN down to Venezuela.
*The Power of Chuck’s Glorious Luxuriant Beard would cause all of the imam’s/terrorist’s/etc’s beards to flee in shame and terror leaving them bare-faced and ashamed. I bet you most of those guys don’t look half as scary without their beards.
And Mr. T wouldn’t put up with any “jibba jabba!”
I think that the President should nominate Frank J for something just for the fun of the confirmation hearings. I’d even buy a television to watch them. Just imagine a Democratic senator flashing up one of those photoshopped images that the other bloggers have put up here. Or Glenn Reynolds testifying in Frank’s behalf.
Elbows and nukes off the table at dinnertime, young man!
Vince Vaughn as Lester Long for SecWar.
“Some people just NEED killin’!”
“…so why doesn’t President Bush be the first to appoint a robot to a political office.”
Frank, Al Gore was vice president for 8 years. Clinton already beat Dubya to the punch on the robot thing.
I think Frank J should be the Secretary of Chastisement. His job would be to go around smacking Senators, Representives, the President, etc. with a rolled up newspaper whenever they behave like an unruly pet. Whatever constitutes that behaviour is at his discretion as is the time when said chastisement takes place, be it in the middle of a speech or the middle of the night when the chastisee least expects it. Also, this cabinet position should not be appointed by the President, but should be elected by the people completely separately from anyone else. He doesn’t get a vote on anything which will make him incorruptible by lobbyists. He gets an office and a film crew for when he goes on a chastising run and then the tape is aired on C-SPAN thus making it the most popular cable channel ever.
This is all fine and good, but let’s face facts. For the next two years- IslamicFacist will kill us and each other, due to America’s lame duck status.
Thanks Dimocrats!
We must look ahead. That’s why I want to be the first to say it:
Frank J/Dumsfeld ’08!
With Bolton as the new Karl Rove, of course.
There, I’ve said it. Except that I meant Jrank F/Dumsfeld and Bon Jolton- but you get the picture
“There, I’ve said it. Except that I meant Jrank F/Dumsfeld and Bon Jolton- but you get the picture”
Bon Jolton. Didn’t he used to have a band with Sichie Rambora?
Also, think of this:
SarahK as pistol packing First Lady and Tee-Shirt Babe. A win/win situation for everybody. Not including sheeple that don’t have a will to live, or people that want us dead- but that’s their problem.
G Fresh
I’m not sure. But I believe that Sichie was married to Leather Hocklear.
What a small world it is- Because I wouldn’t mind wearing some Leather (if you know what I mean).
OT, but: FrankJ, did you write this? http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/LOMWTDEBS Ninjas!
How about Richard Simmons! He perfectly reflects the current Republican leadership including our President!
when you said to nominate a robot, I thought you were talking about Al Gore, and I was all set to add this to the list of proof that you are actually a liberal. Then, I kept reading, and you were talking about sending a Robot to kill diplomats at the UN.
“Good. At least Frank J. hasn’t gone soft yet.” I said.
I think he left me a voice mail today about that UN thing. Said “he wasn’t happy about it”.
Still he thinks I could help out. I’m from Texas and I have a moustache.
I thought that losing John Bolton… Or, well losing John Bolton’s powerful mustasche was a complete disaster. Not if Mr. T is poised to take his place though! We need the UN to hear “Stop yo Joooo killin’ jibba jabba Kofi foo.” and “Don’t touch my country sucka.”
Frankly, it’s about time John Bolton resigned. He hasn’t had a hit in years, and now he’s singing Sinatra songs. Perhaps someone from the grunge era could have a more fitting presence at the UN.
We need to take the nukes off the table and put them on Iran and N Korea and other good uses
Should we even bother nominating someone legitimate at this point. Let’s give the lefty wankers the man they really want and be done with it.
BONO!!!
A savior for all humanity, with a guitar wedged in his kester.
Ok, I’m being a tad cynical and disingenuous.
Seriously, this is the point where they appoint someone very lawyerly to negotiate a contrived settlements that appear to give fair consideration to the needs of all parties. In practice this is no more than cover for a complete retreat from our position. It is clear that our advisories have no intention of conceding anything and will advance their position the moment we complete our concessions. Of course at that point we will be so preoccupied with investigations and who to blame that our full retreat from the world stage won’t matter much. That is until they have to figure out how to keep our boys from dying in an increasingly violent war in Afghanistan. That retreat should be pretty easy once we have set a president for it.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and our enemies will be so preoccupied killing each other to bother with us? Maybe Not! Maybe out enemies aren’t so stupid? How long do you think the present Pakistani government lasts when we cut and run, two years, maybe three. Does Iran really want an all out war against Israel or would it rather go for something more lucrative, the Gulf? Don’t ask which gulf stupid. Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, Jordan, Qatar, Yemen, Somalia, Egypt and the Sudan surround what country with what resource? Hint: Once again I’m not talking about Israel. By the way the Sunni militias in Sudan’s Darfur region are already infiltrating Chad. The Arabs don’t give a shit about the people in Darfur, they’re just in the way. Chad is the gateway to Sub Saharan Africa and Northern Nigeria. Lets see, we have oil in Southern Nigeria, uranium in Niger, and a route to infiltrate the Muslim nations in North Africa.
Oh, Yippy Skippy! It’s official! We’re all morons now. Fifty years of mass media has done our country in.
Sorry Guys, I got on a rant that’s not funny at all. Watching reality unravel is too depressing. Back to navel gazing and butt picking for me, my friends.
Remember to double3 the points for Mr. T again since he is gay.
I think we should get some voodoo witch to raise John Matuzak from the dead. Then we could nominate him sec of war and put him back on steroids. Who would want to screw around with the Tuz, who is now undead and back on steroids. No one, not even John Bolton, who, btw, is a robot.
Forgive me for pointing this out…
I realize that the Vice President is not technically a member of the Cabinet, but since Clinton had a Robot for Vice President (you can tell he’s a robat because his AI program is SEVERELY lacking) Bush would be the second to have a Robot in a high position in his administration.
That was “adversaries” not “advisory” in the above post. Damn spell checker.
Not sure if you guys saw but Bob Novak is reporting that Khalilzad will likely replace Bolton at the U.N..
It certainly could be worse.
Mega Man: He’s a highly destructive war machine, programmed not to kill humans. Perfect for the UN, as there aren’t any there.