As you all know, I support Fred Thompson and his policy ideas. Yet, many of you wonder, “What is Frank J.’s vision for America?” Well, off the top of my head, here it is:
FRANK J.’S VISION FOR AMERICA
A fist in every hippie’s face.
Criminals on fire, running around the streets.
Every time you turn on the TV, foreign countries exploding.
Tax collectors shunned like in biblical times.
Guns.
Increased vigilance for pirates.
People deported for being to big a sissy to be an American.
Everywhere a BBQ.
Giant cars left on to burn gas for no reason.
Liberals treated like lepers.
Dinosaurs roam the streets, delivering mail.
Lawyers exiled. Disputes settled by kung fu.
Rocket shoes.
Every movie has America as the hero and huge terrorist body counts. Even Disney films. And romantic comedies.
Monkeys slaughtered.
Katanas are back in style.
Illegal immigrants flee home and write back letters of apology.
Giant robots for some reason.
Everything has bacon in it.
I think that’s a pretty good vision. Anything you’d add to it?
So, in your vision for America, there are still Liberals and Hippies?
I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed.
The rest looks good though… especially the bacon…
“Everything has bacon in it.”
I was with you up to this point. Some strange reason pork makes me sick. Now, if it was steak, or even better lamb………..
Anti-gravity
This allows the introduction of flying cars, personal flight belts and Independence Day-style flying military bases from which we can cause the foreign country explosions discussed earlier.
Nothing says “America, biatch!” like the projection of overwhelming military power through a vessel the size of a small town.
Mmmmm… Bacon!
But in everything? Bacon filled Oreos? Bacon Cheesecake? Excuse me while I hurl….
Ok, I have to agree with most of the rest! Especially the Dinosaurs. My son loves dinosaurs and dragons. And knights. He even has his own swords. We use hippies for target practice. When he turns five I might let him use real hippies.
Free beer.
Stores that insist on playing music play Mozart all the time.
Silicon Valley Jim,
I’ll go with the music rule as long as Beethoven and Handel are also acceptable.
#2 – Posted by: AR on January 17, 2008 02:16 PM
Would it be acceptable if everyone were within Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?
Abigail –
They’re acceptable, all right. I just wanted to start negotiating from an ideal position.
#6 – Posted by: Abigail on January 17, 2008 02:34 PM
#5 – Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on January 17, 2008 02:30 PM
Come on now, Gustav Holst! Also, a little Louis Armstrong never hurt anyone.
We all get free M1911s and Desert Eagles!
Free boob jobs for college cheerleaders and 24/7 female beach volleyball TV network.
One of these machines in every yard.
Bacon makes everything better. Including bacon!
“Everywhere a BBQ.”
Can you verify your position on BBQ? Do you prefer Eastern NC, Western NC, Memphis, Kansas City, Texas Beef, etc?
Liberals put in stocks on the public square with appropriate signage…
No more dude on dude action allowed
Public Restrooms are for going to the Restroom only
Global Warming Supporters forced to move to Canada
Manly Women Illegal and sent to Alaska where nobody will notice…
How about criminals doing hard labor? If they’re on fire running around the streets it’d be fun to watch, but they may catch something good on fire.
When did the Katana go out of style???
I’d add the ability to carry a double-barrel shotgun everywhere I go…
i want the illegals to also send back the money they stole along with a letter of apology
Anti-terrorist Ninjas, with parachutes.
What is your policy on old/overweight women who wear clothing with the word JUICY anywhere on it? Can we send them to Alaska too?
Democrats are fined for having babies.
Global warming supporters are required to wear one. And anyone seen wearing one is hung up by it.
Anyone that stars in, appears in, dreams up or watches a reality TV show will be flogged
Everyone in the Washington DC area will be required to pass advanced driving school or walk.
Well most spill out from maryland. Worst drivers on the planet.
All colleges and universities that aren’t either Christian or Military shall be bulldozed and the land shall be turned into shooting ranges…
All American males shall carry a gun and all American females shall be glad of it…
Marriage shall = one man and one woman…period! If you disagree you shall either move to Canada or be shot! Abortion shall be illegal and any doctor caught performing an abortion shall be immediately aborted…
If you are part of some whack job cult that claims to be ‘christian” and you protest at our military’s funerals, prepare to be buried immediately following the ceremony…at an unmarked grave…outside the hollowed ground…you pricks!!!
#16 posted by Whitehorse “How about criminals doing hard labor? If they’re on fire running around the streets it’d be fun to watch, but they may catch something good on fire.”
How about we burn the criminals along with orangutans (they burn good) to generate steam for electricity so that every Hooters in America has a Zero carbon footprint!!
Fred Thompson shall be POTUS and Hillary and Bill Clinton shall be thrown to the scrap-heap of American politics and history and everything else and they shall go away and never be heard from again and that includes their really ugly daughter!!!!
“too” big a sissy to be an American…
come on… you’re a bada$$ blogger… you can at least get to and too correct… It really ruined the list for me… and I was getting in to it…
Nicotine, chocolate, caffeine and alcohol are declared THE major food groups. Puff, chew, swallow, swallow…
Funneling beers will become an olympic sport.
Fred Thompson shall be POTUS and Hillary and Bill Clinton shall be thrown to the scrap-heap of American politics and history and everything else and they shall go away and never be heard from again and that includes their really ugly daughter!!!!
#29 – Posted by: ussjimmycarter on January 17, 2008 03:58 PM
I’m sorry ussjimmycarter, but Bill and Hillary will not be thrown on a metaphorical scrap-heap. They will be thrown on a literal bonfire, along with Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Michael Moore, Al Sharpton, Al Franken, Al gore, (that’s a lot of Als) and anybody else who has ever recycled anything or spoken mournfully about the carbon footprint they were leaving.
“The Star Spangled Banner” is still sung before every major sporting event, but it should now be followed by a rousing version of “America, F*ck Yeah!”
Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while now. All joking aside, I do believe it would be in America’s best interest if we had a conscripted National Guard, starting with ROTC programs at age 14 and ending around age 28 or so. Advancement to the still-volunteer military could be opted for, and accelerated training tracks would be provided for those who wished to join the superior ranks of actual military service.
An all-volunteer military is and always will be one of America’s best assets, but conscription into the guard would certainly help our country’s resolve and let’s face it, we’d all like to see those 18 year olds serving for something. Whaddya think?
Nuclear power plants.
Nuclear cars.
Nuclear home power plants so no more electric wires criss-crossing the sky. “Darling, we need a recharge, pick up some nuclear pellets on the way home, okay?”
Then the middle east can go back to knifing each other for shekels from the tourists. As we float by in our nuclear powered cars.
Frazetta_girl, what about nuclear-powered hand warmers? And socks!
Tax Credit for carrying concealed.
Double Tax Credit for carrying two.
Triple Tax Credit for carrying two plus extra magazines.
Quadruple Tax Credit for carrying a shotgun concealed.
I would like to see everyone who scans blogs looking for the smallest typo rounded up and put into camps. (ahem – cough AgKoch)
We will design the largest tractor in the world – one that is powerful enough to pick up Michael Moore and dump him over the border.
A permanent 100% tax credit for anyone who can prove they have beaten a terrorist to death using a Bible, Torah, or baseball bat.
All elephants ground up and turned into spark plugs.
Anyone who says, “If __________ (put any Republican here) wins the election, I’ll leave” will find the ATF on their doorstep the morning after __________ is inagurated to escort them to the nearest border crossing.
Manly Women Illegal and sent to Alaska where nobody will notice…
#15 – Posted by: ussjimmycarter
LOLOLOL you should get something for that one!
Can we hunt hippies for sport? And will there be a special to get them mounted? For that matter, are they scored like turkeys or what?
And wheres my damn bacon????
Everything has bacon in it.
…especially terrorists.
Convert liberals into biofuel instead of wasting all of that tasty corn.
Good! Someone covered flying cars.
Harry Potter elves or their equivalent. FrankJ aren’t you working on a robot that covers Harry Potter elf duties? That would be really good!
I take mail carrying dinosaurs to mean that a time machine has been invented, because cloning Jurasic Park style is way too far fetched, and I am so in favor of time machines.
Yessss! Bacon in everything!
Bacon in the taxicabs! Bacon in the zippy-korans!
Bacon in the Outlet Mall! Bacon in the footwash stall!
CAFE standards reduced to 9 mpg.
Nationally televised wet tshirt contests.
Legal to destroy Hondas on the street.
outlaw the dude on dude action? sure. but at the same time we need some serious quotas for mandatory chick on chick action!
Drug tests and term limits for congressmen and women.
All members, affiliates & sympathizers of PeTA shall be mulched into a high protein feed for pigs. Said pigs will then be processed into munitions to be used exclusively on islam-o-facists.
#47 – Posted by: innominatus on January 17, 2008 05:25 PM
So, are you saying bacon in the “Subdivisions”?
First time I’ve seen an obscure Rush reference here…
Instead of a budget and a Defense Department, the US Marine Corps is given a blank check, and told to go forth and do good things with it.
The VA gets a blank check too.
Instead of waterboarding, all terrorists will be tortured by giving them kidney stones.
Anyone who says, “If __________ (put any Republican here) wins the election, I’ll leave” will find the ATF on their doorstep the morning after __________ is inagurated to escort them to the nearest border crossing.
#41 – Posted by: cptnmoroni on January 17, 2008 04:43 PM
I will definitely second that one. Oh, and Frank J’s list, too. 🙂
The Mainstream Media are all dumped into the stream to be eaten by Piranas.
Michael Moore sits on Keith Olbermann’s face and they both die.
Jeeze. Thanks for that image, Jimmy. Y’know, my son just puked a little while ago; I think I’ll join him.
we need some serious quotas for mandatory chick on chick action!
#49 – Posted by: Gullyborg
All members, affiliates & sympathizers of PeTA shall be mulched into a high protein feed for pigs. Said pigs will then be processed into munitions to be used exclusively on islam-o-facists.
#51 – Posted by: AlanABQ
I like the way you guys think!
San Francisco falls into the Pacific ocean and sinks.
Have I got just the candidate for you. . . .
(well, other than Fred. . . .)
http://www.madmikein08.com
Wow! Who turned the comments funny up to eleven?
#47, #52 AlanABQ –
Acutally I was going for more of a Dr. Suess vibe and didn’t even realize that it kinda worked with that song. Conform or be cast out!
P.S. When you listen to Manhattan Project do you cheer like I do?
Eliminate federal art funding and use the extra money to subsidize the firearms industry.
“Every movie has America as the hero and huge terrorist body counts. Even Disney films. And romantic comedies.”
Have you seen the new Iron Man trailer? It’s basically an ugly American arms dealer (the worst kind of dealer) who turns into a giant terrorist-killing robot. All of course, done to the song Iron Man. Seems to fit this discription.
Master Shake! you beat me to the terrorist aspect of the bacon thing, damn!
I think I could get used to dipping into my chocolate milkshake with a crispy piece of bacon though, frank.
As far as the BBQ, there should be a regional BBQ czar. I want the job for the Northwest. It would be a variant of the ‘Kansas City’ style.
Crushed hazelnuts in the dry rub, hazelnut and apple wood smoke, then spritzed lightly with homemade applejack.
~P&B~
#64 P&B
I think you’re gonna get flamed for using the word “spritzed” in something other than a John Edwards thread.
Don’t forget: Obligatory Huey Lewis music playing in lieu of Britney Spears on every coastal city to bring back the beach culture of the 80’s. Every teen movie must end on a pro capitalist/improve yourself through merit note, or at least mock the 90’s defeatist culture that has taken root in pretty much every movie now. And all American military units with air support are required to play Wham! songs when bombing terrorist targets or conducting special ops. Reason? If terrorists begin to establish that said operations are Americans at their most metro, imagine the fear that would project if we actualy got serious. (Lawrence Welk music out of Apache helicopters also a good idea…harder stuff reserved for increased projected levels of brutality)
Don’t forget: Obligatory Huey Lewis music playing in lieu of Britney Spears on every coastal city to bring back the beach culture of the 80’s. Every teen movie must end on a pro capitalist/improve yourself through merit note, or at least mock the 90’s defeatist culture that has taken root in pretty much every movie now. And all American military units with air support are required to play Wham! songs when bombing terrorist targets or conducting special ops. Reason? If terrorists begin to establish that said operations are Americans at their most metro, imagine the fear that would project if we actualy got serious. (Lawrence Welk music out of Apache helicopters also a good idea…harder stuff reserved for increased projected levels of brutality)
oh shoot, sorry for the double post there. Feel free to delete with my apologies. I didn’t think it worked the first time so I doubled clicked. Durr.
innominatus
LOL! What can I say, I live here in Benton county OR, like you. That kinda speak just rubs off, ya know. sorry to say!
~P&B~
fireworks are legal every where!!!!
free keg parties aboard B-52’s with flights over iran, syria, and anyone else who pisses us off while the partiers piss out the bomb-bays onto them. talk about your acid rain will ya!!!!
anyone who doesn’t stand up for the Star Spangled Banner is immediately beaten!
Since all liberals are lepers, they’ll be exiled to a leper colony. But not the current one in Hawaii. Their leper colony will be where the robots are trained. It will look like the future of the Terminators where giant robots will crush the millions of hippie skulls scattered across the land.
And it will be good.
So, in your vision for America, there are still Liberals and Hippies?
We have to have something to punch, you know. In fact, liberals will be bred specifically for that purpose.
Everyone in the Washington DC area will be required to pass advanced driving school or walk.
Can I get a witness? Oh, and no liberals will be allowed to own SUVs to ruin their aesthetic value by slapping “No blood for oil!” stickers all over them. (Those are all over the place)
The VA gets a blank check too.
Only if the fraggin’ hippie civvies currently polluting it are all fired and deported to Mexico in exchange for all the current people there waiting in the queue to legally obtain a visa.
In fact, anyone currently waiting patiently to enter the States legally will all be granted instant citizenship. (unless they are terrorists. who will simply be stuffed with bacon and beaten with baseball bats by any Jewish people who want to participate) All illegal immigrants will be wrapped in bacon and dumped in the middle of Saudi Arabia.
In addition to Frank’s list…
“Defense Department” changed back to “War Department”
All troops in Europe, Japan and S. Korea begin arriving home for future annihilation of northern Mexico. Once completed, a twenty mile wide buffer zone (called a militarized “wildlife refuge”), from Tijuana to Matamoros is established with no humans allowed.
Noam Chomskey given free ride on a space shuttle and then ejected from the cargo bay.
300 new nuclear plants spread across the land.
Political Correctness proponents flogged on pay-per-view and then deported (on basic cable) to the Netherlands.
No more labor unions (somehow we’ll manage).
Ted Kennedy given free ride on a space shuttle and then ejected from the cargo bay.
Banks open and mail delivered on all federal holidays.
“International Talk Like a Pirate Day” (Sept. 19th) is made a new holiday.
Death penalties carried out within 18 months of conviction.
Justice Darth Vader Ginsburg given free ride on a space shuttle and then ejected from the cargo bay.
Proficiency with M1A rifle required for high school graduation.
Socialist, Communists and their fellow travelers are deported to the workers’ paradise of Cuba (where Michael Moore does not go for his medical care).
Katrina evacuees stop biting the hand that feeds them or else are deported to New Orleans.
Ray Nagin given free ride on a space shuttle and then, well you know the rest….
Voter Information Packets that you recieve before every election come with 50 rounds of .30 cal and a hand grenade.
Running over a Congressman or Senator shall be a mistameanor with a $30 fine. If it can be proven in court that you backed up over said offical after hitting, the fine will be waived.
The official bird of the USA will be changed from the bald eagle to Rodan.
The US arms industry will be allowed to sell any of their products to any American who wishes to buy, as long as they can provide proof of citizenship. This culminates in the release of the civilian version of the M1A1 Abrahms tank, which is identical the military model, except that it has more luggage room and a built in iPod dock.
The 19th Amendment is repealed.
Hey! Lay off Alaska!
I need some glimmer of hope that a land of free men will survive the coming Clinton Dictatorship.
The UN would become a comedy club where foreign leaders would dance for America’s amusement.
#73 — come up with something better for Teddy. Launching fat into space is impractical.
only 300 new nuke plants? Try > 1000 unless you can do some real high-capacity jobbies. We need the de-salination capacity — run nuke plants just to de-salinate seawater and pump fresh stuff BACK INTO the ground.
20 year rolling reboots on the federal gov’t — EVERYTHING, possibly including military, in the national level gov’t that isn’t in the constitution gets zeroed out and repealed every 20 years.
If we zero out military, put that concealed carry stuff in the constitution.
Drugs that increase I.Q. and decrease whinyness are put in the drinking water. The dose near D.C. is 2x-4x. San Francisco is used to test human tolerance levels for the drug.
Annual census that gets an accurate check and count of everyone including legality status with corrective action for lack thereof.
Dating services to help the manly women hook up with the dudes who wanted to get it on with other dudes.
The military-
…head money for KIA’d Mooslimb terrizts
…keeping the lootz
…Posse Comittatus-wtfpwnd into the trashcan
…more bullets/carbines/frags, less invisible/faster-than-light sooper jetfighters
I didn’t notice anything about cattle prods. Until we standardize Klingon pain sticks, they’ll have to do.
“Klingon Pain Sticks.” That’s funny, AZ. I want one.
Ronulan hide recliners-once they get the smell out!
Auction off rights to carry out death penalty to highest bidder with proceeds going to family of victim. Make the execution a TV show hosted by Drew Carey or possibly that Ty guy on Home Makeover with interviews of the now happy family of the murder victim.
Three drink minimum.
Open borders, but only for hot girls willing to cross naked.
Auction off rights to torture terrorists. I want to be able to open the windows of my house and hear the screams from Guantanamo.
Restart American whaling industry, just for fun. Ditto seal clubbing.
Actually follow the Constitution.
Take back all our oil from the criminal dictators who stole it. Yes that means you, Mexico and Saudi Arabia. Why do criminal gangs disguised as governments have more right to oil than the honest Americans who found and developed the oil fields thru voluntary trade?
Tail fins on all modes of transport – including buses, scooters, bicycles, subway trains, and autogyros, possibly excepting airplanes.
Advanced autogyro development.
Milkshakes must be made using only milk and ice cream – and bacon, if we must – but no more of these fake soft-serve ice cream “shakes”.
Get rid of trans-fats – fast-food fries must be fried in lard again.
Cosmopolitan magazine is banned, not for the covers but for the toxic stupidity in their articles.
Women may conceal-carry without a permit simply because they are women – evens out the odds a little against the bad guys.
A Sonic drive-in on every corner.
And I’m with Skullcrusher on his last one. I’ve long had a personal plan for taking back the eastern Arabian oil fields, involving one aircraft carrier group, one Marine Expeditionary Unit, several camels, and a big stick. What are they going to do, throw the Saudi military at us??? Then seal off the area, for its own sake (keep out the crazy terrorists) and also as a practice run for new border enforcement procedures. They can keep the desert resources they’ve developed themselves – I’m not heartless. Mexico is tricker. I say we just stage a coup d’etat there, take over the bloody place, make it a halfway decent country. Heck of lot easier than Iraq. The rest of the world hates us already, right? – I mean, that’s what I hear from liberals.