The first presidential debate is Wednesday, and it’s time for Romney to win over that 0.4% of people who haven’t decided how they’re voting yet for some reason. I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but I don’t really like Obama and I want him to lose, so I thought I’d give Romney some debate tips to help him win.
DEBATE TIPS FOR ROMNEY
1. When you shake hands at the beginning of the debate, headbutt him. That’s will psych him out for the rest of it.
2. In your opening statement, say, “I plan to prove tonight beyond a reasonable doubt that Obama should be executed for treason.” Obama probably isn’t expecting a trial, so that will really throw him off.
3. Bring visual aids to help make your point. “This kitten is the economy, this bat is Obama’s economic plans…”
4. Constantly brandish a pipe while speaking. This may cause Obama to not use his attack lines out of his natural fear of being beaned with a pipe.
5. If you make a gaffe, quickly start dancing Gangnam style so people forget all about it.
6. Have a particularly delicious dog walk out on stage during the debate. If you can get Obama to attack and eat a dog on stage, that could cost him a percentage point or two.
7. To really throw Obama off his game, start slapping him when he’s trying to speak. If the moderator complains, slap him too.
8. No matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never let Obama be clear.
9. Wear a sombrero and speak like Speedy Gonzales to win over Latino voters.
10. If the debate is going poorly, request trial by combat. That may not be in the debate rules, but they might not know that.
11. Another way to psych out Obama during a debate is to fire a gun into the air and random intervals.
12. People haven’t liked the past four years; make sure to point out who was president then.
But 47% of the population have experiences incredible prosperity without doing anything for the last 4 years. Should we remind them of that?
13. Make small errors, like saying “chicken poodle soup”. Grin when you say “walking the dog”.
14. Dress like a member of the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
15. Giggle uncontrollably any time Obama says something stupid, which means giggle uncontrollably just about continuously.
16. Do an armpit fart every time that Obama lies (unless, of course, you’re too busy giggling uncontrollably).
Romney could whip up the cure for leukemia on his podium and the MSM would still declare Obama the debate winner.
17. After shaking Obama’s hand, count your fingers then pull out a bottle of purell and empty half into your palm. If asked, say something about communism being contagious.
I see someone’s been reading Game of Thrones.
18. demand that obama explain his presence in scotland:
http://www.bbc.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-19783214
The sucker’s handshake followed by the smoothing of the hair is a classic that never goes out of style. It’s deeply satisfying while not-so-subtley telling your opponent, “I hope you brought an apple for me, punk, ’cause you’re about to get schooled.”
Don’t shake hands. Look over his head and wait for him to bow.
Offer to split the country in two, Red and Blue, with their respective presidents. Meet again and 4 years – winner take all.
Offer to help him out by having Bain split him into parts to repackage and sell, parts to keep and improve (convert), and parts to trick China into buying.
Stumble into Obama’s teleprompter. If you can knock that over and break it, you should do fine.
Bring a pie. Obama is bound to ask you for a slice of it, since you are a rich guy. When he does start a pie fight. You will draw a sharp contrast between Obama who wants to re-slice America’s pie, and You who wants America to have more pie.
Every time Obama lies or does something lazy or stupid, cuss him like you are Gordon Ramsey. Everyone loves Gordon Ramsey, he is on TV every night.
In closing arguments, say that Obama added 166 million to your debt during this 2 hour event.
And always say “your debt”, not “the debt”
Be sure to speak to the occupant with small words so as not to confuse him.
Never wag your finger at the occupant, he may think it is a tail, and that can only end badly.
After every sentence the occupant speaks, cough the word liar!
19. Look slowly all around. When the moderator asks what you are doing say, “Shhh. I think I can hear the planet healing.”
20. Whenever Obama says something reasonable, say, “That sounds very reasonable. I wish we could believe you.”.
21. Whenever Obama says something stupid, say, “That is why you should not be president.”
2. In your opening statement, say, “I plan to prove tonight beyond a reasonable doubt that Obama should be executed for treason.”
Now, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT!! I think this could really work!!! And just keep coming back to it, proving your point. Ignore whatever questions the “moderators” ask and just keep hammerin’ away (like the Dems always do anyway)! It would be beautiful!
I want Airing of Greivances AND Feats of Strength
Come out dressed like Rocky Balboa. After your assistants remove your robe shadow box a bit before going to your corner.
Wear a tie with little wiener dogs printed on it. Obie won’t be able to take his eyes off it and will be drooling before the first commercial break.