Time to celebrate our American presidents (now with racial diversity!).
Some presidential facts:
* Teddy Roosevelt was shot five times during a speech, and he didn’t even pause (he was too busy reading the teleprompter).
* George Washington once cut the head off a hippie with an ax and didn’t lie about it.
* Jimmy Carter spent half his first one hundred days with his head stuck in a desk drawer.
* James Garfield hated Mondays but loved lasagna.
* Thomas Jefferson actually invented the internet, but lacking computers it was just a bunch of pieces of paper suspended by strings.
* “The Monroe Doctrine” was originally the name of James Monroe’s shotgun.
* Abraham Lincoln started the first biker gang.
* For some reason, most lists of presidents leave off Benjamin Franklin even though I’m pretty sure he was president.
* Much more tech savvy than Carter, Barack Obama spent a lot of time of his first couple days with his tongue stuck in the DVD drive of his computer.
Franklin was Alexander Hamilton’s Vice-President and became President when Aaron Burr killed Hamilton. Don’t they teach anything in school anymore?
* Lyndon Johnson had a phone installed in his White House bathroom and made his most important calls while sitting on the can taking a sh*t.
* Are we still happy that Richard Nixon went to China?
* Dwight Eisenhower thought UFO’s were part of his “military-industrial complex” that he warned us about.
* John F. Kennedy was actually a Republican and the first Neocon.
* George Herbert Walker Bush was not born on planet Earth. His birthplace is in a globular star cluster called “A Thousand Points of Light.”
Few more fun facts I’ve come across over the course of my own studies:
* Andrew Jackson was the first President to order the expulsion of a French Ambassador – by cannon.
* George Washington could walk on water – but tragically, only if no one was looking.
* Dwight Eisenhower is the only President to pass the Folgers Crystals test.
* The Cuban Missile Crisis was actually caused by JFK’s incessant drunk-dialing of the Kremlin. It was only averted when he promised to stop referring to Politburo as a bunch of ‘vodka swilling chowda heads’.
* After decades of research by dozens of historians, the general consensus is that Chester A. Arthur was actually a figment of America’s collective imagination.
* Before becoming President, Martin Van Buren was a children’s cereal mascot.
Abe Lincoln used to keep a bucket next to the bed “for bladder emergencies” That bucket haunts the White house to this day.
Real or fake, why does any of it matter? I mean, anything that happened before the current crop of liberal college fags were, like, 16 doesn’t matter anyway. Learning from and not repeating the mistakes of history is highly overrated. Besides, no matter how many times a policy failed, it WILL work when an Obama or a Clinton tries it. And time spent learning history is time wasted that could be spent playing X-Box.
Harry Truman was a fan of ‘role playing’, where he would play ‘Auntie Harriette’ to Stalin’s ‘Uncle Joe’.
Bill Clinton insisted that his humidors be overweight & Jewish.
Ronald Reagan used to get Gorbachev in a huff by pointing to that odd mark on his head and saying, “You sure that isn’t a coat hanger scar there, Gorby?”
One time while Bark Obama was in college, the his IQ test results came back negative. To this day he’s thankful & still practices “safe smarts”.
Son of Bob, I see you went to Beloit!
http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/2012.php
Basil was actually Frank’s history professor in college. That explains a lot.
Lincoln invented his famous logs after going on an extreme fiber colon cleansing regimen.
skool tawt me nuthin I lern abot the world by reading IMAO well ok I look at the pictures my wife reads the important stuff to me ——- I think ————— Todays history lesson was great.
Heh. Jimmy thinks I’ve been to college.
#11 Basil,
Jimmy just insulted you (by calling you a college professor). Are you going to let this stand unchallenged?
Basil are you dist-herb-ed?
#12 FreemonSandlewould:
Only when people pronounce my name with a long “a” (as in “fate”) sound instead of the correct short “a” (as in “fat”).
#12 HCG:
>Jimmy just insulted you (by calling you a college professor). Are you going to let this stand unchallenged?
I actually thought of Pete Van Wieren (who was nicknamed “The Professor”). Or the guy from Gilligan’s Island.
#1 – Basil FTW! 😉
As the Stooges would say: “And howwww.”
Every 9th president:
9: William Henry Harrison negotiated a treaty with Somalia on his deathbed.
18: Ulysses Simpson Grant invented the pocketwatch.
27: Upon leaving office, William Howard Taft had his wife place a curse on the White House that would never allow anyone with facial hair to serve as president again, making sure that his own mustache would never be surpassed.
36: Lyndon Baines Johnson joined forces with President Andrew Johnson to form one of the most famous soap companies in the world: Procter and Gamble.
45: Sarah Louise Heath Palin will be pretty much the only president with four names.
54: Vladimir Putin is an ABBA fan.
Theodore Roosevelt saved the “Teddy” bear cub only because he knew that cub meat tastes better.
CSA President Jefferson Davis was known for using a Confederate flag to cover his living room window. He also flew small flags on the sides of his carriage and allegedly ordered his driver to play ‘Dixie” on a bugle whenever passing the homes of friends.
William Jefferson Blythe joined the ranks of Josip Broz (Tito), Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin), and Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili (Stalin) in assuming a new surname based on someone he wished he was related to. He also made use of Harry Truman’s famous desk sign reading, “The Buck Stops Here,” adding to it a downward-pointing arrow.
James Earl Carter was the love child of Jim Nabors and a Great Pyrenees named Belle.
Only two presidents have ever died in a foreign country: John Tyler, who died in the Confederate States, and Jimmy Carter, who was killed by a suicide bomber thirty years ago during a trip to the Middle East (we haven’t had the heart to tell him yet; besides, the houses he makes are so cute).
Peren, when they aren’t falling apart on top of landfills that is.
I said cute, not useful.
Baycil…you are just one of Franks sockpuppet pseudonyms Frank uses so try to keep calm. This is the same conversation I have with Bobby Buckette. No one likes an angry ventriloquist dummy. They get left in the box with that permanent scowl on their faces. Anyway my real name is Cilantro so you have NOTHING to be upset about. Is your last name Rathbone?
I used to grow Sweet Basil, dry the leaves, crumble them, put them in decorative jars and give them to relatives as Christmas presents. (I’m a cheap b*st*rd). I put a cute label on each jar that said, “Sweet Basil – good on everything”. My brother-in-law Joe asked, “What about watermelon?”. No more Sweet Basil for you, Joe! Then one year I make blackberry jam (the blackberries were free). Sorry, Basil, I’ve been mispronouncing your name in my head for months. No offense meant!
Oh yeah, President’s Day … uhmmm … Nope! I got nothin’!