The second most beautiful, intelligent, and charming Sarah in the world (Frank’s missus, of course, being the first), is turning 45 today, so the question naturally arises: what’s an appropriate birthday present for the woman who proved that global warming isn’t man-made, but is in fact woman-made, as a result of her personal hotness?

Some people think the right thing is a snarky, condescending column written by a inexplicably-obsessed left-winger who seems a little miffed that Palin got more Google searches than Obama.

Knowing Sarah, she’ll probably smile politely at that one and say “thank you very much for that thoughtful gift”, because that’s just the kind of classy dame she is.

Meanwhile, let’s see what else is on the gift list:

“… and yes, I *do* plan on jumping out of my own cake.”

* WhySarahPalinIsSoFreakingAwesome. A gift that EVERYONE can share. If you haven’t gone there either yet or lately, go now. I guarantee that if you’re not delighted, you are either dead or liberal. Remember to hit the “older posts” link at the bottom of the page so you can see all the coloring contest entries.

* A camoflage moose-rifle. With a pink trigger. Because deep down, Sarah’s really kind of a girly-girl.

* A electoral college recount that shows that – at the last minute, and in secret – all the electors decided to vote their conscience and do what’s best for the future of America, thus making Sarah Palin the first unanimously-elected President since George Washington.

* Katie Couric’s perky little interview-editing, hatchet-jobbing head on a pike.

* [pause]… lipstick.

* Wolves. Dead ones. Entrance wounds on the top, exit wounds on the bottom. Lots of ’em.

* Coupon for free surgical removal of the knives that McCain & company stuck in her back after the election.

* Drilling so many oil wells in ANWR that space aliens viewing it from orbit would think that Alaska was being devoured by a giant radioactive porcupine.

* A GoateeSaver. Technically it’s a gift for Todd, but Sarah’s the one who has to look at that scruffy thing every day.

* My promise to vote for her in 2012. PleasePleasePleasePleasePleeeeeeeeease?

I heard Bill Clinton’s buying her a blue dress, but that’s probably just a rumor.

What are YOU getting Sarah for her birthday?

I heard on the radio the other morning that Vice President Joe Biden was coming to Boise to attend the Special Olympics, and for some reason it took my brain a little while to comprehend that sentence. At first, I thought they meant vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman, but eventually I remembered that Biden is now vice president. President Obama was never hard for me to accept, but for some reason VP Biden is just something I can’t wrap my brain around. And as someone who follows politics pretty closely, if it takes me a moment to remember who the vice president is, it seems like barely any of the general public will be able to name him at all.

I was reading an article on how the bad economy is hurting illegal immigrants, and then I noticed this section:

The remittances dipped 3.6 percent, from $26 billion in 2007 to $25 billion, according to Mexico’s central bank. Remittances are Mexico’s second-largest source of foreign income, behind only oil. Other Latin American countries also have seen money sent from immigrants in the United States slow.

Whoa whoa whoa… wait a second here. MEXICO HAS OIL?!

Okay, I have an idea now, and I’ll try to explain it slowly but go ahead and tell me if you don’t follow. Anyway here it is:

Let’s invade Mexico for its oil.

Kinda like Mexicans don’t worry about ignoring our border, I don’t see why it should be a big deal to just kinda walk into Mexico and take it’s oil. It doesn’t even have to be a big production; just gradually send a bunch of troops over there and the Mexicans will be like, “Wow, there sure are a lot of American troops vacationing here… oh crap.” And I don’t think the Mexicans like have a functioning government to complain about it to… not that we’d feel obligated to listening to complaining.

Anyway, it’s oil right near us past a boarder no one takes very seriously; might as well just take it.

With Barack Obama now walking into windows and doors, is he literally so dumb he needs to wear a helmet?

I had something to add to yesterday’s post about giving Iran warheads filled with face eating squirrels. Once the squirrels come out of the warheads and eat all the scientists’ faces, this would be a good statement for America to make: “Ends up the nuclear war heads didn’t work, and Iran’s scientists were unable to save face.”

Also, someone was wondering how you can train squirrels. Training squirrels is a lot like training cats — you have to find something they like to do and simply train them to do it on command. Luckily, all squirrels like eating human faces.

Finally, a reader suggested instead filling the warheads with money. Then, when Iran launches them at the Jews, they just end up funding them. I think that’s an excellent idea, and as long as we’re throwing hundreds of billions around on stupid crap, it won’t really make a difference to fill up a few warheads with barrels of money.