WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama stunned the world today, declaring that he was resigning the Presidency immediately to “start a successful bank in order to inspire the struggling banking industry.” His new “Obanka” will avoid the mistakes of other financial institutions and lay the groundwork that will lead the world back to prosperity

Official Obanka corporate transportation – zero carbon footprint!

Obama says he made the decision after spending “literally dozens of minutes” studying the causes of the current financial crisis. “I don’t want to sound arrogant,” said Obama, “but I’m a really smart guy, and I figure that running a bank can’t be that hard. So I looked at what the floundering banks are doing, and I’ll just do the opposite.”

First on the former president’s list – executive compensation. “Millions of dollars for people who are under the constant pressure to make life-and-death-of-the-company decisions every day? Bah! What’s so hard about that? A ‘decision’ just means saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something. Essentially it’s just flipping a coin. How much should a coin-flipper get paid? The NFL says about $80,000 a year. Who needs bonuses?”

Along with eliminating bonuses, other perks are on Obama’s chopping block as well. “Wells Fargo wanted to take their top salespeople to Vegas as a reward for their hard work. Dumbest idea ever! Recognition only motivates weak-minded fools who lack internal value references and obsequiously seek the approval of others. However, on the off chance that a weak-minded fool sneaks through the Obanka application process, I suppose I could toss out gold stars or smiley-face stickers or something. That should pacify those wheedling little attention-beggars.”

As for company transportation, Obanka will be literally ‘grounded’ in reality. “No one will fly in a corporate jet,” said Obama. “Maybe using them saves precious time and avoids the scheduling uncertainties of commercial air travel, but I can promise you that no one at Obanka gives a flaming marshmallow about punctuality. Banks don’t make money by watching the clock. They make money by following government rules forcing them to loan money to people without a prayer of being able to pay it back.”

“Compassion,” concluded Obama, “not profit, is the REAL key to success.”