Some helpful tips for Earth Day:
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1) Save the rainforests! The wood will come in handy for building re-education camps for right-wing extremists.
2) Build a windmill. Not only will it provide electricity, it’s also good for killing birds, which you can fry up on your solar panels. Mmmm… fried eagle.
3) Encourage everyone you know to ride bicycles, then steal their tires and burn them to heat your house.
4) Save the whales! We may need to start using their oil again.
5) Plastic bottles last forever in a landfill. Coat them with several layers of lead paint before throwing them out to keep BPA’s from leaching into the groundwater.
6) Only buy organic vegetables which use no pesticides. Being pre-chewed by bugs makes them easier to digest. Sorta like being fed by a mama bird.
7) Eat fish only from mercury-contaminated waters. If you don’t, then mercury will accumulate in their bodies until they become completely made out of liquid metal and begin assuming the form of loved ones in order to hunt us down and kill us.
8) Don’t drive when you can bike. And lubricate the chain with whale oil.
9) Instead of throwing away food scraps, toss them into a compost pile in your back yard. The compost can be used to replenish soil nutrients in your garden, while the compost pile itself will attract rats, which you can shoot for target practice and leave where they lie to create more compost. Circle of life!
10) Support the Endangered Species Act, which protects animals with dwindling numbers so that their population can recover so that they can be taken off the list so that they can be quietly hunted to extinction without jack-booted government thugs interfering with the natural order of things.
How will YOU save the planet today?
