Big Richard pointed out to me that it’s National Diversity Day, which, he noted, is the dumbest idea ever, so he suggests the following alternative:
Celebrate the People Who’s Ass We’ve Kicked Day.
A day to reflect on the people we’ve decimated over the last 300+ years. From the East Coast Indians during the colonial times to the Iraqis of today. We’ll Look at:
– Why we kicked their ass?
– Why they went down so easily
– Look to see if they need a new “whoopin”
– And sample some spoils of our conquest like local food, plunder, land and prostitutes.
It’s already late, so I’ll make this an audience participation feature, and kick it off with:
Eskimos
Why we did it? They were hogging all the baby-seal-clubbing for themselves. Funnest thing EVER!
Why they lost? For bringing a snowball to a gunfight
Need more whoopin? Nah, they were smart enough to trade in their dogsleds for snowmobiles, and they still piss off hippies by killing whales. At this point, we should just give them a pat on the head and a blubber-flavored cookie.
Spoils? PALIN!!!
Who’s next?
Aliens
Why we did it? They were trying to invade Roswell, New Mexico. And, we thought that just maybe we might actually build something useful there someday. Never happened, but what the hey, I’m sure it was still fun killing aliens.
Why they lost? In 1947 there were no hippies. So, we just kicked their butts, then to really humiliate them we experimented on their sorry asses.
Need more whoopin? They sure do, they’re way too cocky these days. James Carville hasn’t even bothered wearing a disguise in years.
Spoils? Yeah, so we got their microchip technology, so what?
British:
Why we did it? They were getting too snobby. A couple more years and they would’ve starting referring to us as “bitter clingers”.
Why they lost? They were too concerned with eating crumpets and bedding loyalist women to put up a good fight.
Need more whoopin? I don’t think so. We’ve already proven we own them. Muslims and socialists are taking care of the rest.
Spoils? British pride. We ripped it out of their chest and swallowed it whole. Tasted like tea.
Spanish:
Why we did it? They blew up our ship! Untrustworthy Spaniards! Be more careful with your mines!
Why they lost? They were an old and decaying empire. In addition, they were fighting a bull rebellion back at home.
Need more whoopin? They’re Spanish! They’re untrustworthy! So, yeah!
Spoils? A couple of territories. Oh, and a newfound status as an emerging world power. Thanks, Spain!
Mexicans
Why we did it? I’d love to claim it’s all because they killed Davey Crockett, but to be honest – they had a bunch of land they weren’t using, we got drunk and realized how easy it would be to conquer it, and the rest is history.
Why they lost? We were fighting an army that actually took siestas! We quite literally just snuck up on them while they were napping and killed them. Oh, and the greatest General they could muster was Santa Anna. Sounds like you’d be more likely to find him sliding down a chimney than leading a bayonet charge.
Need more whoopin? We took more than half their country the first time, could they really handle another round? We’ll find out if they keep firing on our border guards.
Spoils? Texas! Unfortunately we also had to take California, which we are considering giving back.
Goobacks:
They took urr jerbs!
Aw, poop.
Why didn’t anybody let me know it was National Eat Blubber Day?
Get your O-STIKA armband here —- http://www.amarketplaceofideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/o-stika-armband.jpg
Japanese
Why we did it? Nukes needed testing.
Why they lost? Nukes needed testing.
Need more whoopin? No. They will supply the robot armies which will finally liberate the moon. So we can nuke it.
Spoils? Future spoil of sexbots. Also, blue hair pr0n.
Germans
Why we did it? We got tired of Hitler’s mustache and, let’s face it, he was a faggot.
Why they lost? Their arms got tired doing “Sig Heil!”
Need more whoopin? Someday. They always do.
Spoils? Beer.
Germans
Why we did it? We got tired of Hitler’s mustache and, let’s face it, he was a faggot.
Why they lost? Their arms got tired doing “Sig Heil!”
Need more whoopin? Someday. They always do.
Spoils? Beer.
Indians
Why we did it? Europe was starting to suck so everyone who could, got out and came over here. We needed the room.
Why it was so easy?
The Indians has really poorly enforced immigration laws.
Also, When we told them God was on our side, they believed it.
Take smallpox, for instance.
The pioneers got sick, but most recovered.
The Indians got sick, and most died.
That sort of thing can be really hard for a village shaman or medicine man to explain.
Need more whoopin?
Why? Did they discover oil under their casino?
Spoils: Tobacco, Chocolate, Corn (‘we called it Maize’), Potatos, Some other useful herbs, and those cute little yappy dogs whose name I can’t spell.
The Italians.
– Because they had Mussolini who, unfortuately agreed politically and socially with Mr B. Hussein Obama.
– It was easy because they had been infuence too much by France, which is pretty self-explanatory.
– Again? Not right now. What news of Italy and their threat to America? None. Their internal issues with Obamaism are more than enough to keep ’em busy.
– Spoils, ah . . . Pizza, Sketti, Meatballs, and of course, the Lamborghini. But we mustn’t forget the prestigious advent of organized crime.