Science Backs Zombies
So “scientists” have studied the possibility of zombie attacks and declared it would most like wipe out all of humanity. They say that unless we strike back quickly, it might “lead to the collapse of civilisation” and perhaps even spread to places not scared of the letter ‘z’.
Of course, I want to see their data and all their assumptions on zombies (do they live forever or do they eventually starve?). Still, I think they should rerun their model but with America having space lasers, giant robots, and dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers. I don’t think zombies could last against our awesomeness in that case.
Also, when are they going to do a scientific model to tell us who would win in a fight between ninjas and pirates?
(17 votes, average: 4.76 out of 5)
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August 19th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
They’re Canadian “mathematicians”, of course they think they’ll lose the war.
All that shows is that we’ll have to close the northern border as well as the southern border in case of a zombie outbreak.
As for ninjas V Pirates
http://www.spike.com/blog/deadliest-warrior/84263
Dude.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Oh, and you know how else they’re wrong?
The zombies in Dawn of the Dead were fast zombies, they either meant the original, 80s version or, more likely, Night of the Living Dead.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Assuming they get us all, do they eat each other? Does anybody know if they can they procreate?
August 19th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Arrgh Matey – one month til Talk Like A Pirate Day!
(my cubemates are happy it’s on a Saturday this year…)
August 19th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
If robots controlled by monkeys come to power around the same time as the zombie uprising I think they would cancel each other out and humans would survive. But we’d have a helluva mess to clean up afterwards.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Also, can zombies swim? I think people on islands, or other continents are safe. And let’s face it, if anyone is creating a pathogen that will accidentally kill all human life, it’ll be Europe.
In either case, Alaskans are all safe because we have guns… Except we tend to eat what we shoot… Damn those crafty zombies.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I thought we already had a zombie problem, they voted for Obama.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
If the zombies get you first, Frank, can I have your laptop?
How about your nuclear codes? They’d really come in handy during a zombie apocolypse, because Obama would probably make an executive order for government health care.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
In response, the Obama administration has announced a new program – complete with a logo containing a big gay “O” – that will give control of all funeral, burial and cremation decisions to the federal government.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Pirates would win every time! While the Ninja is jumping around doing all his funny sounds and all the Pirate would simply blast him with his Pirate Cannon or the Ninja would throw those real sharp thingies at the Pirate and the Pirate would be like “Boring” as the bounce off his hook … Ninjas are way gay compared to Pirates! That’s why they run around with little pajamas with itsie bitsie footsies in them!!! Cute!!!
August 19th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Why did the article spell “civilization” with an “s” (“civilisation”) but spell “zombie” with a “z” (instead of “sombie”)? Silly Canadians. That’s why I rarely go to Canadia.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
#9 “Too long have we failed to live up to our promises of safe, quality servicesss for the post-living. Let me be clear: those who oppose thissss plan do so out of pettynessss and spite, because they have never lost a loved one to mass zombie attack. I have said we need to step up to achieve meaningful change, and now is the time we were meant for.”
August 19th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
They eventually starve without someone to feed on. Same as liberals.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Both ninjas and pirates are masters of the sword, which are necessary for decapitation of zombies.Can’t they just get along long enough to rid the world of zombies? Zombie chant: O-bah-muhh,O-bah-muhh,O-bah-muhh….
August 19th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I hate to disagree with you, Frank, but we Americans invented the internet, the Select Comfort Sleep Number bed, and Halo. We are awesome. We don’t need no stinking space lasers, giant robots, dinosaurs with rocket launchers, or even Fred Thompson to fight off some stupid zombie attack.
Now, while each of these would help (especially his Fredness) fighting the zombie hordes, regardless of the weapons we use, the final score will be what it always is:
USA – 1
(Fill-In-The-Blank) – 0
In fact, if we could sucessfully create zombies, we would put a bunch of them in cages and then drop them in places like all over the world so they would finish off the foreigners for us. Then, we would just march in after they’re done doing our dirty work and wipe the zombies out. That would take the better part of the morning after which we would go watch a baseball game or something.
Face it Frank, this is our world. Nobody messes with the USA.
August 19th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
We need to take the whole Zombie thing to the next level. Zombie chicks, TV Ratings, Cage Matches, Zombie Hot Cars, Zombie This, Zombie That, Madden Zombie, Zombie Dallas Cheerleaders, Zombie Hooters Babes and Zombie TwoFer Nights! Zombies vs. Joes vs. Pros! Zombie British Open, Zombie Chick Jello Wrestlin’, Zombie Bull Ridin’ Zombie Bowling,
August 19th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
pirate vs. ninja? that’s like dividing by zero. everybody knows the only thing that can kill a pirate is another pirate, the same thing with a ninja. maybe a fight between a ninja pirate and a pirate ninja is in order.
August 19th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
BUT! BUT! Look at the bright side!
If zombies rise, Zombie!Reagan could rule forever!
Although it would be difficult to hunt down the opposition. Zombies eat brains and dems just don’t have that particular feature
August 19th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
$100 says at least a portion of this study was backed by government dollars. Any takers?
August 19th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
James, that’s absolutely correct.
If you think about it, we’ve already fought wars with pirates (Barbary Coast variety) and with ninjas (WWII).
We beat the ninjas so bad all they do now is figure out how to sneak into robot bordellos and sell all their weapons to American high school students.
It took the pirates like 200 years before they forgot their last butt-kicking and messed with us again and now we’re taking head shots at 200 yards from a pitching boat to a pitching boat instead of just blowing them up. They’re target practice
It’s so cool being an American. I’m very happy I live here.
August 19th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Errrrr.. strike “James” and insert “cptnmoroni”
August 19th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
The zombie menace is overrated. Vampires are the real threat.
I possessed undeniable evidence that the CIA has developed vampires who do not have the traditional vulnerabilities. The new strain can endure sunlight and ignore wooden stakes.
A clever DNA modification can also prevent them from even seeing the cross symbol. So they do not fear that either.
But that modification meant they could not detect any cross-shaped weapon directed against them. Field trials proved these new vampires were stopped by dropping a two ton cement cross upon each. Being eternal they live on but the heavy cross makes them immobile. Thus they are no longer a threat.
My dog ate that evidence last night. He has behaved strangely of late and stays under the bed from dawn to dusk.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
the possibility of zombie attacks and declared it would most like wipe out all of humanity. They say that unless we strike back quickly, it might “lead to the collapse of civilisation”
You say that like it’s a bad thing. I say we make Robot Zombies and program them to thin the herd for us. So who is the herd that needs to be thinned? See #7 and #13, and toss in Congress as well.
Once that’s done, then we can all take the afternoon off and go to that ball game before going back to work to rebuild America into Conservative utopia.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Joey is right! I was going to say that the article forgot to mention Congress allocated $13 million for Zombie research in Canada. You can read more about this and their “Blue Smurf” research on Recovery.gov:
http://www.recovery.gov/?q=search/node/Zombies
August 19th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Here’s a better question: who would win in a fight between Fred Thompson and Fred Thompson?
August 19th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
#25
They both would
August 19th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Dang. One of the commenters over there linked to the actual research paper. Those guys are super serious about this. They have all sorts of mathematical formulas and stuff. Maybe this is real. Do they know something we don’t?
August 19th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I’m getting really tired of all the racist use of the word “zombie”. That’s our word. The term for all of you to correctly use is “Deceased-Americans”. Haters.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Oh yes, and by the way. BRRRAAAAIINNNNS!!
August 19th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I saw the episode where they pitted a ninja against a Spartan.
The Spartan won.
SPAAARRRTAAAA!
August 20th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Most of the zombies are Democrats. They’ll turn on each other if a big “R” is plastered on their forehead. So, stand your ground with your big marker pen and don’t write ’till you see the
whitesred of theireye socketsrotten brains .August 20th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Re:Monkey Robots – We’d run the risk of ZOMBIE MONKEYS CONTROLLING ROBOTS!
Nice rack on that one zombie.