Secret History of America
Oliver Stone is going to do a Secret History of America series for Showtime revealing interesting things he’s discovered about the past sixty years. I’ve gotten my hands on some of that information:
OLIVER STONE’S DISCOVERED SECRETS
* Elvis assassinated Kennedy.
* The Korean War started when we found out the North Koreans are secretly aliens.
* Communists cloned Obama in a secret lab in Kenya.
* Teddy Kennedy is actually a shaved bigfoot.
* Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were invented by the CIA to ensnare urban youth with its deliciousness (Reese’s is a sponsor of the series).
* The Snuggie was invented decades ago but kept secret by the government until now.
* The scarce commodity oil that give the Middle East influence — actually made from readily available corn starch.
* The moon landing was faked on Mars.
* We actually totally won the Vietnam War but pretended to give up to give useless hippies self-esteem.
(23 votes, average: 4.74 out of 5)
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August 20th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
* Ben Franklin actually lied us into the Revolutionary War in order to get a government contract for his company, “Halliburton Cannonballs, inc”
August 20th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Superman’s alter ego is not Clark Kent, but in fact……. Fred Thompson.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
* Ron Paul and Lyndon LaRouche are actually the same person with a split personality disorder.
* The real winner of the 2000 presidential election – Zippy the Water Skiing Squirrel
* Bill Clinton was not a natural born citizen of the United States as Arkansas was secretly expelled from the union in 1938.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I’ve refused to get HBO because Bill Maher is on there. I’d feel like I was helping pay that punk’s salary.
Thanks for giving me justification for not getting Showtime too.
Read IMAO, save money!
August 20th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
* Lincoln was actually assassinated for an executive order abolishing the National Endowment for the Arts.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
*The Al Gore we know & love today is actually a Disney animatronic gone haywire. The original AG was killed by a marauding pack of rabid penguins.
*No one anctually performed at Woodstock; it was just one massive group hallucination.
*Harry Reid didn’t get into politics until after his master Sirius Black died.
#4 – I may have to subrscribe to HBO briefly when “The Pacific” premiers… it may be worth the short term pain.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
* Fidel Castro was killed by order of Richard Nixon in 1970. Dick Cheney has secretly ruled Cuba ever since. He is currently building an army of robots, ninjas, and zombie pirates to retake the United States.
* The United States did not bomb Hiroshima. Fred Thompson jumped out of a plane.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
* Lee Harvey Oswald was the product of an affair between Joe Kennedy Sr. and Joan Crawford.
* President Truman called on 7-year-old Chuck Norris to defeat the alien invaders after the 1947 Roswell crash.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
* Liberalism doesn’t actually exist. It has been mathematically proven to be impossibly stupid and null.
* Nancy Pelosi doesn’t actually exist. The figure we see on TV is an old stuffed male drag queen from the 1930’s who wasn’t preserved particularly well.
* Barney Frank wants to fund a special NASA mission to URANUS!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
* Teddy Kennedy is actually a shaved bigfoot….This statement is a direct insult to all Bigfoot-Americans and shall be reported to the proper authorities forthwith. Consider yourselves warned…..Grog D. Bigfoot, The North woods, WA. PS And we’re sick of all those, “Does the Bigfoot s**t in the woods.” statements too!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Japan did not attack Pearl harbor, Hawaiians detonated bombs they placed on those U.S.Naval Vessals.>>>Bill Clinton is the bastard son of Sen. J William Halfbright.>>> Dubya’s grandfather Prescott Bush helped finance Hitler.>>>The Branch Davidians in Waco spontaneously combusted.>>> Retired SCJOTUS David Souter is Janet Reno’s common law husband.>>>Thomas Jefferson plagiarized his servants’ ideas on freedom.>>>Ninjas were the first to discover America, but were undetected.>>> Abraham Lincoln built the first subway system, then called the Underground Railroad.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Actually, if you read your history, number nine is true.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
> Ron Paul and Lyndon LaRouche are actually the same person with a split personality disorder.
There’s a Paul Lynde joke in there somewhere. I just can’t find it.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
As bizarre, stupid, outrageous, funny, and outlandish as the pseudo-secrets that have been posted here so far are….I’ll bet the ones that will be reveled by Stone are even more bizarre, stupid, outrageous, funny and outlandish! Americas secrets according to Stone should be a real hoot!
August 20th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
THE MAN PLAYED A RAT!!! C’mon Basil, it’s like you’re not even trying!
August 20th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Oliver Stone and ALL Hollywood liberals have Top Secret Security Clearance and access to information we mere mortals could never get close to…just like Madonna and all the other fools that played at Al Gore’s Live-8 concerts had access to information regarding global warming that we could never understand.
We can learn so much from their superior wisdom.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
* The Stonecutters rule the world.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:12 am
The United States blew up those ships in Pearl Harbor. I mean, like have any of you seen steel, like burn or something…like that’s soooo lame!
August 21st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
“Japan did not attack Pearl harbor, Hawaiians detonated bombs they placed on those U.S.Naval Vessals.>>>”
This explains a lot.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I guess I’m the only one who noticed it … Dude, your link was wrong. What’s up wit dat?