NASA discovers life on Earth

Posted on December 3, 2010 6:59 am


Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?


Well, now, Dwayne, I wouldn’t go so far as to say we wasted people’s money. It was money we got from Congress, so it’s government money. It’s not like the money belonged to people.


We at NASA have focused our efforts on things that are really important. Not silly things like space exploration. I mean, why would NASA want anything to do with space. It’s not like “space” is in our name or anything.


Yeah, for reals. Nobody wants to go out into space. A bunch of old dudes did, but that was back in the ’60s when they should have been protesting the war. Instead, they got on top of rockets and went to the moon. Borrrringggg!


What we did was, like, totally awesome! We went to Mono Lake. And, for you old fuddy-duddies that think we should be going to the moon and stuff, if you look at how it’s spelled, “Mono” and “moon” both have the same letters. And that’s close enough for us.


Anyhow, we went to this place and went looking for life. We thought, where in the world would we not find life. And the first thing that came to our mind was a hole with water in it. You never find life at a water hole.


We took our cameras out and made a video. And to make it all space-like and such, we made it look like that video from that Star Trek movie where the camera zooms over the Genesis planet. You remember, right? Anyway, we did that to make all you space-geeks happy.


We found these little potatoes that fed on arsenic. Just like those old women did in that movie I saw on the TV one night. Only this was for real.


I got so excited, I made my “O” face. It looked like this.


Then I went out and had a cheeseburger. And I ate it all my myself. Like this.


Let me jump in for a minute here and say that it’s a very exciting discovery we made. It means that when we’re looking for life on other planets, we can expand that search to include all kinds of chemical reactions in our methodology.


We should have thought of this back in 1976 when we discovered an interesting chemical reaction on an experiment with the Viking lander on Mars. When we did follow-up tests, we found nothing. It never crossed our minds that the tests for life could have discovered and killed the life all at the same time.


Oh, well. Live and learn. Anyway, I thought we were going to talk about life on Titan when I agreed to be here. Turns out that we’re talking about some microbe in the bottom of a water hole in California.


I see a lot of you are already bored now that we’ve told you what this big secret announcement is all about. So I’ll do some magic tricks to entertain you. Watch these two pieces of metal.


Now it’s a chain! Magic! This is my nephew Kyle’s favorite trick. Have you seen Kyle? He’s about this tall.


You and your silly magic tricks. I just came here because I thought we were going to the Oprah show. I wanted a new car. Instead, I get this crap.


What about me? NASA wouldn’t even spring for a short flight to have me on the stage. I have to call in over the phone.


Hey, you’re lucky you don’t have to be here. I could have been sitting at my desk on the phone, playing Angry Birds on my iPad. But no. I’m wasting a day attending this nonsense.


Tell you what, let’s take some questions from the audience.


Anyone?



Nobody has any questions?


Yeah, I got one. Have you seen my glasses? I had them earlier, and now I can’t find them.


No, but we have a team looking for life under a rock in a McDonald’s parking lot. If they find anything, we’ll let you know.


I want to know who this guy is behind me. He’s been following me around for about a week.


He’s with me.


Have any of you dated Charlie Sheen?


The rumors are simply rumors and nothing more. Charlie and I are just good friends.


How has the NASA’s Muslim outreach program benefited the taxpayer?


We went looking for Muslims and found poisonous microbes. I’d call it a success.


That’s all the time we have today. Thank you for coming. I’m Dwayne Brown, from the NASA communications office. And I have posted my resume on monster.com.

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38 Responses to “NASA discovers life on Earth”

  1. seanmahair says:

    As a woman I must say, what a spectacular waste of time, energy and opportunity. While I’m sure this will be important someday, or not, I’m reasonably sure NASA isn’t the organization to do it. I realize they are trying to keep those high paying, NASA jobs by convincing the public they can’t live without them but …………..maybe they should take on more relevant problems such as :

    Finding a way to keep Obama from getting his head stuck in a bucket

    Creating a reality serum for Liberals

    Sending illegal aliens to colonize Pluto or some other planet far, far away from Earth-we don’t want them sneaking back into the atmosphere when our backs are turned

    Fix the time/space/reality rift that is Hollywood California

    But since their out of their perimeters any way how about they find a way to put rocket launchers on dinosaurs and deploy them in Iran, Afganistan and other friendly nations around the world. It could be part of the bail out program that we in our largess have had going secretly (transparency in government-ain’t it grand) .

    Now that’s a project we could get behind.

  2. OddRobb says:

    If those microbes don’t have any technology that we can reverse engineer to develop a super death ray of doom (or some other cool crap like that), then I want a full refund of my tax dollars!

  3. ussjimmycarter says:

    So while the rest of us were created by God, how is it that Democrats keep emerging from the primordial ooze? It does explain their very under developed frontal-lobes and the seeming need to genetically eliminate other forms of life through abortion…

  4. rugger says:

    It may not be space related but finding bacteria that use arsenic in their biochemistry is actually pretty cool.

  5. Jimmy says:

    I actually watched the first 10-15 minutes of that news conference and got so annoyed by Felisa Wolfe-Simon’s voice and BS presentation that I had to turn it off. It was beyond bad… It was vomitus.

    [It was one of the most difficult things I've ever watched that didn't involve Barack Obama or two girls and one cup. If anyone missed it, it's on teh youtoob. - B.]

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    For my money, Basil, this is the funniest thing you’ve posted on this site.

  7. MarkoMancuso says:

    rugger,

    What about bacteria that use arsenic in their marriage?

  8. storm1911 says:

    “We went looking for Muslims and found poisonous microbes. I’d call it a success.”
    Basil, you knocked that one out of the ball park. NASA has been downgraded under bHo to a high school chemistry class. If that pond got those Berkeley dope smokers excited, imagine the thril they will have examining a septic tank.

  9. Burmashave says:

    What a hoot, Basil!

    NASA is kinda like what happens at a high school when the budget for field trips is cut. They’ve got no rockets to go into actual space, so they have to content themselves by venturing to the creek behind the football practice field.

    As for this being an absolutely positively unbelievingly never-seen-before new form of life, lemme get this straight. This bacteria is a strain of common bacteria, which in the lab can adapt from eating phosphorus to arsenic. Now, that may be interesting, biologically speaking; however, I (non-Scientist!) would not call it a completely new form of life (note “member of a common group of bacteria”).

    Returning to my high school analogy, the smart kids — being the ones who weren’t goofing off by throwing rocks in the creek — have come running back to the school shouting, “Look what we found! Look what we found!”

  10. Proud Infidel says:

    Basil, I love your version of the NASA conference much better.

    “We went looking for Muslims and found poisonous microbes. I’d call it a success”

    Translation: We went looking for Muslims but instead found something a lot smarter. Poisonous microbes! We rawke!

  11. DamnCat says:

    6. MarkoMancuso says:
    For my money, Basil, this is the funniest thing you’ve posted on this site

    Agreed!

  12. Choey says:

    Let me see if I got this straight.. They went to California and found strange life forms…. Gosh… I don’t know what to say..

  13. Lolziter says:

    Agreed with Marko.

    Also, Burmashave–from what I heard, they not only “eat” arsenic, they also incorporate it into their DNA. As a biochemist, I find that pretty damn awesome. And yet, you’re right… it’s a bit of a stretch to call it a “completely new form of life.”

  14. john says:

    Basil, hands down the funniest piece you’ve posted on imao.

  15. zzyzx says:

    Where are your glasses?? They’re on top of your head you stupid f**kin’ moron! Hey, you aren’t looking for a job with a major government agency are you?

  16. Proud Infidel says:

    These NASA clowns are talking about some damn microbes in California (like, you know, all lifeforms in California are microbes, DUUH!) when they should be preparing the space invasion fleet to attack Titan. We have a space invasion fleet, don’t we? We don’t? What are we wasting all that money on then? Oh, right, looking for intelligent Muslims. Silly me!

    At the very least send Chuck Norris over there to beat some sense into them.

  17. Burmashave says:

    @Lolziter: You are right. It is definitely fascinating. Generally, scientists need to exaggerate the importance of their findings in order to get attention. NASA needs to do it to get funding, so it’s a double whammy for Science!

  18. Larsinkima says:

    An arsenic bomb could prove useful in their muslim outreach program.

  19. Whitehorse says:

    Made “O” face & then got a cheeseburger… Priceless! I dated a chick like that in college…

  20. LuMP says:

    This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. And I get paid by NASA. Really – we do great work!

    [Cousin-in-law of mine retired from NASA. I know that y'all do great things. But, seriously, yesterday's news conference was excruciating. It would help if you had engineers running things and not politicians. And a Congress and White House that would support your work. - B.]

  21. WhiteSnow says:

    I agree with seanmahair (and don’t have to be a woman) that NASA is a waste of tax dollars especially during these hardtimes.

    For me, I want to know where is the outrage with this wast of tax dollars? There’s a new book out where Americans take a stand against federal tyranny that everyone needs to read cause it’s about each of us & possibly our true destiny in history. I recommend it.

    http://www.booksbyoliver.com

    NASA, according to my retired uncle who worked at WhiteSands, also claims NASA wastes money & the only thing they have really done is perfect the ball bearing. He should know. Good article

  22. seanmahair says:

    It makes one wonder however if there are any intelligent, professional, serious minded women in the scientific field who
    A. find wasting taxpayers dollars on dubious subject immoral.
    B. aren’t poster children for affirmative action.

    While I don’t know either of these women I must say that as representatives of NASA they are somewhat less than stellar (no pun intended, really)

  23. Terry_Jim says:

    The magic trick was pretty good, once he put them together,
    did Stephen Benner demonstrate his nunchuck skills?
    ‘Cause chicks like a guy with skills, magic skills, nunchuck skills,
    putting people to sleep at a press conference skills…

  24. Jimmy says:

    “…less than stellar…” Hehe. But you could say, “they’re on the money,” i.e., the public dole Kind of like “climate research.” Particularly since their research is terrestrial and they just LOVE speculating about “astrobiology.” (That term makes me laugh.)

    Until we go out there, “astrobiology” is one of the junkiest of junk sciences and is right up there with cosmology! Hey astrobiologists! Read your damn spectrometers, draw a conclusion about macroscopic chemical properties and then move on to some real work. What a joke.

    Oh, and by the way. The real work in remote astronomical sensing is being done by “physicists.”

  25. Son of Bob says:

    So, please allow me to sum this up. At the end of the day it all comes down to this: The chicks at NASA are fugly.

  26. Jimmy says:

    Hey, Basil (and Frank): John Hawkins (of Linkiest) finally linked to IMAO (after a long drought) and declared it “website of the day.” Congrats, Basil!

  27. ss396 says:

    Let’s see: silicon is right below carbon on the periodic table, and sulfur is right below oxygen. Because of this, Science!™ has postulated life forms based on silicon and sulfur. How big of a leap is it to extend that thought to arsenic (right below phosphorus)? Next news flash: life forms using lithium instead of hydrogen.

    Geez, did these brain-feeders think that the periodic table arrangement is random?

  28. Michael Z. Williamson says:

    The post is funny.

    The comments show the disgraceful state of publik edukashun in Amerika today.

    There seem to be three commenters with sufficient grasp of science, and budgetary concerns, to grasp what this means.

    THAT would be hysterical if it wasn’t disgraceful.

    I’d like to offer a complimentary Glock to any commenter who’d like to shoot themselves in expiation.

  29. Burmashave says:

    Remember when we had big time whining about NASA’s budget? It was from the hippies during the war in Southeast Asia.

    Reality Check: The annual budget for NASA is $20 billion. We just crapped away $800-900 billion on the porkulous. We could have thrown NASA a bone from the stimulus and never missed it. Unlike other Science! type programs, NASA does actually produce dual use technologies. In fact, the technology we live with today would be very much different had it not been for the Apollo program.

    We will likely soon be paying Russia for heavy space lifts. Let me say that again. We will soon rely on Russia for a specific strategic capability. My post above was tongue and cheek. NASA doesn’t have the funds for actual space research, so they’re stuck looking for life in a pond. As for the quality of their researchers, dontcha think that all the real rocket scientists left long ago?

  30. maor says:

    If they had any PR sense, they would have released the news with no fanfare, and waited for biochemists to go nuts on the internet.
    When the media calls to ask whether they really discovered something that biochemists think is spectacular, they could nonchalantly reply that hey, they guess so, but they’re just doing their job.
    That might actually impress a few taxpayers.

  31. Steve says:

    Guys, this *is* what NASA does, and it has been for a long time. They aren’t just about space and they never really have been. This discovery is very, very important and the fact that no one recognizes that demonstrates the kind of apathy we Americans have towards scientific discovery that allowed NASA to become the underfunded, overly-beurocratic mess it is today.

    You want us to go back to space? Start giving a damn about science.

    NASA and all our other scientific agencies will wither unless the public and politicians support them, because building and designing and launching a SPACESHIP costs an obscene amount of money. Even politicians aren’t stupid enough to spend an obscene amount of money on one, easy-to-target thing unless the public wants it.

    I love you, IMAO, and there are a few good laughs in here, but….

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

  32. ccoffer says:

    Then why the hell is it named NASA?

  33. puschmj says:

    Steve, you are probably right. Americans don’t care about anything of consequence anymore. Some are waking up, most are still watching reality TV and eating cheetos.

  34. seanmahair says:

    Dearest Michael,
    I am not a scientist, nor do I work for the government. I don’t pretend to know the intricacies of budgetary concerns nor do I understand the impact a study of this type could have because the very people who are supposed to explain the import to me are so busy trying to justify the spending of millions of dollars, they either can’t or won’t explain the why.
    Why us this important to us? Why at this time when people are losing their jobs, dying of preventable illnesses, killing each other over drugs and killing themselves with those same drugs as well as other habits is this worth the massive expenditure?

    I can give my opinion about this project because scientist for the last decade have lied, obfuscated, prevaricated and out and out fibbed concerning the Ponzi scheme of “Global Warming”. Not only did the lie about it, they continue to lie about it. These spokespersons gave me NO reason to believe other wise.

    So forgive me if I don’t pay much attention to the NASA folks. I expect scientists to lie to me actually. Now I’d be disappointed if they didn’t.

    Sigh.

  35. seanmahair says:

    National
    Aeornautics and
    Space
    Administration

    N A S A

    Whose mission statement is “NASA’s mission is to pioneer the future in space exploration, scientific discovery and aeronautics research”. According to this.

    But that’s just what THEY say.

  36. ss396 says:

    Dear 28. Michael Z. Williamson;

    To what exactly do you think this blog is dedicated?
    What level of information and accuracy are your seeking at IMAO?
    Given the informational integrity of IMAQ, what amount of learnéd discussion do you expect from the commentators?

    What color is the sky in your world?

  37. 5of7 says:

    I think I saw this movie!
    It was called ‘Evolution’ and they killed the monster at the end by injecting it with a tanker-load of dandruff shampoo!

  38. SoSoMonn says:

    That was fkkng hilarious! thank you, whoever you are!

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