Archive of entries posted on 15th December 2010

The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody

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Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…


But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!


The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.


It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.


But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.


But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”


“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”


“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”


And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.


The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.


She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.


She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?


Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.


She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

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National Security Threat: Fat Kids

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Michelle Obama has once again reiterated that fat kids are a national security threat. She said, “Fat kids are a threat to our national security. And they’re disgusting and fat! I hate them!”

Michelle Obama upon seeing a fat kid.

It really is time we started to taking the threat of fat kids seriously. Think if there was a terrorist attack and people couldn’t exit a building due to slow moving fat kids in the way. And it’s getting harder and harder to spot suspicious activity when no matter where you look your view is blocked up by fat kids. And how can emergency vehicles respond when they have to constantly dodge all the fat kids slowly waddling across streets?

Thus, the FBI has a new area on their website where you can report fat kids whenever you see them. You can also report kids eating lots of sweets who you suspect of getting fat. Remember what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent fat kids… though that’s not really my area of expertise.”

The New Republican Majority Is a Failure

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I just want to get ahead of the curve and declare the new Republican majority a failure. They were supposed to bring change to Washington, such as smashing through the walls of Congress in a tank and then leaping out and start beating up all the Democrats to avenge the Constitution. All of Obama’s bills were supposed to be repealed. An army of griffins were supposed to kill all the unicorns. But instead Republicans are all like, “We don’t actually take office until January.” It’s business as usual. It’s disappointing. It’s pathetic.

And what’s with the tax deal? It should have been even more tax cuts for the rich and taxes raised on the poor to motivate them not to be poor to really help get this economy going. The left were only screaming about the tax deal; a really good tax deal would cause the left to have heart attacks and die. And why does Obama still sometimes appear on TV while talking. I thought they were going to put a stop to that.

I think it’s time to start talking a third party. Mine will be the Awesome Party. Our position will be pro-things that are awesome and against things that aren’t awesome. There will be no compromise. If someone starts wanting things that are against an awesome agenda, they will be thrown out of the party. Literally. A big guy will pick them up and throw. Or possibly a trained gorilla, because that would be pretty awesome.

Random Thoughts

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No Labels will stop using words as they are a gateway drug to labels and will instead communicate through smells.

A semicolon is just a lowercase i that’s tripped.

The next RNC Chair should be Darth Vader so we can be a Party of “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Or, in China, the Party of “DO NOT WANT!”

You know that whiny hippie song about signs? Maybe No Labels should adapt that to being about labels and make it their theme.

Do you actually need a sign saying, “Long-haired hippie folk need not apply?” Isn’t that usually implied?

Bad ideas for awards

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Earlier this month, Wayne State University decided to stop awarding the “Helen Thomas Spirit of Diversity in the Media” award.

What does that mean? Well, it means that they actually gave a “Helen Thomas Spirit of Diversity in the Media” award. Which, to me, is a bigger story than stopping the giving of a “Helen Thomas Spirit of Diversity in the Media” award.

Earlier this year, she finally retired after catching flack for saying that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go home.” To which Konzentrationslager, she didn’t say.

Anyway, she recently defended her comments, then said the Jews were out to get her.

That was finally too much for Wayne State University, which had given the “Helen Thomas Spirit of Diversity in the Media” award.

What should they replace it with?

Well, how about something that makes just as much sense as a “Helen Thomas Spirit of Diversity in the Media” award? How about:

  • Barack Obama Leadership Award
  • Markos Moulitsas Humanitarian Award
  • Julian Assange Safe Sex Award
  • Keith Olbermann Journalism Award
  • Al Gore Science Award

There must be plenty of examples of awards that some liberal institute of higher learning could give. Any other ideas?